Keeping the romance alive during lockdown - sponsored post

My husband and I spent 4 months apart during covid, he lives in Dubai and I am supposed to be setting up ready for our new lives in the UK for when he retires in the next 2-3 years. With a world wide pandemic our plans for me to travel month on month off between the UK and Dubai have been put on hold.

For the past 4 years we've been spending more and more time apart, Peter with his work and travel and me with our growing family in the UK and Australia, visiting our adult children for holidays, marriages and the birth of our first grandchild, sadly there have been deaths also that have caused us to be apart for long periods of time.

We've met up for a holiday in Greece, Egypt and South Africa for a week at a time and travelled back to visit each other when we've been able to.

Sadly living in Dubai has meant expensive phone calls and text messaging due to a ban on voice over internet. It's also difficult to send and receive post, so we've ordered gifts from local companies for each other on line to be delivered directly.

Long distanced relationships are difficult and expensive to maintain, regular contact is important, taking time out during the day to speak with each other about how our day has been, who we've seen and places we've been is vital, to feel part of each others life and not living separate ones. Sending a message before going to bed and waking up to receive one in the morning which you feel valued within the relationship also.

Lockdown has been difficult for most of my friends, some who were dating have seen relationships come to an end, other who have been dating have moved in together during lockdown and I've got friends who are feeling trapped in relationships due to their personal social life coming to a sudden stop and now spending 24/7 with their partner with no respite from an unhappy relationship.

Peter and I have been together for 20 years, neither of us have used online dating, but we have many friends and family who have met their long term partners through free dating sites such as Match Me Happy where you can sign up to meet like minded singles in your area, where at least while covid is around you can still have the opportunity to meet up in restaurants and cafes for social distanced meet ups.

For Peter and I, relying on phone calls and messaging daily has helped keep our relationship alive, but there is something different about spending time together face to face, just to relax and enjoy each other's company.

Peter managed to get over to the UK and I’m currently in Dubai for a few weeks. The testing and quarantine required for our travels cuts time we can spend with family and friends but it does mean we have some good, uninterrupted quality time together.
 

Maintaining a long distance relationship

Well here goes.

After 20 years together last month, our semi separate lives began in January 2020.

During the past 20 years we've been used to spending time apart with Peter's job, but for 2-3 nights a week in the UK or Europe.

In January 2011 we left the UK and moved to South Africa, for 4 years I was only away for 2-3 weeks once or twice a year, apart from 2013 when I was in the UK for 4 months evicting tenants through the courts. Peter travelled further afield and for longer periods of time.

In December 2014 we moved to Dubai, Peter's travelling was similar to the first 10 years in the UK and I was the one away for longer periods of time. In fact for the past 3 years, I've spent half the year on and off in the UK and he has travelled during these periods.

In October 2019 we started having issues with our current tenants and as we had plans for Peter's retirement in 2023, it was easy to make the decision for me to return to the UK and reoccupy our family home. Peter was now spending more time and for longer periods in South Africa with work and with me escaping the summer heat for 3 months, it was decided I'd be based in the UK and we'd both travel to visit one another as often as we could.

I moved back into our family home in January 2020 with the cat and dog, back in Dubai for March and again in May to supervise the packing and moving of our furniture, half to the UK, half to a new apartment in Dubai.

Peter will then come to visit for a fortnight for a wedding in June.I will be going out next in October, when the weather has cooled. Inbetween if Peter is travelling to Turkey or Egypt the p[lan is I can fly out to meet him.

So far, we've not really noticed a difference, he can concentrate more on his job, not worry about the cat and dog when he has to work late or travel and I am making friends and enjoying life in a community, something that was lacking for me in Dubai.

I'm not working and I won't be looking for work until 6 months before Peter retires, so I have the freedom to travel out to Dubai whenever I feel like it. While Peter is working it makes sense to get the house sorted while he still has an income coming in.

We have an app in Dubai that allows us to make and receive voice over internet and video calls, which means we can talk freely and openly, something we haven't been able to do when travelling since January 2018 when all voice over internet was blocked. It also means that Peter has more contact with the family as we can video call more often when I visit Child 1 who is unable to verbally communicate and to watch our grandchild grow and not feel left out of the milestones in her life. Last week Peter was able to watch the baby roll from back to front and share the experience with us all in real time.

I'd love to hear from you if you're in a similar situation. How long has it been going on for? What's the best/worse thing abiout being married and living in different countries? How do you manage/cope?

Do our adult kids still need their mum?

I'd like to think so, but then I examine my relationship with my mother and realise I don't actually need her, I actually want her in my life.

I left home at 17, I've not been parented since, our lives are very different from each others. I now live abroad, but I've always had the need to spread my wings and as much as I think my mother would've liked me as a 'home bird' it was never going to happen. She also moved away from her family at a young age and has remained close with them if not geographically but through visits, letters and regular phone calls.

Around the time I left home, her mother went to live with her for a few years. it wasn't the most successful of stays, but it made her realise that when her time came for being looked after, it wasn't going to be done by her children.

But we're nearing that time, not in the next few years, but in the future for certain. It won't be me needing my mother, it will be her needing her us.

Over the last 2 years the roles have been changing slightly since my father died in 2017. I don't do my mother's finances, I just help and advice her with them. I have no access to her money and every telephone call I make on her behalf she has to verify she's happy for them to talk with me.

I now get to spend time with my mother doing nice things, lunch, coffee's, shopping, short breaks and her visiting us in Dubai. There's no definitive role. She no longer has a say or input in my life in regards to decisions I make, she is not the first person I consult, that is my husband, but she is informed of our decisions, our future moves, our choices and it's been like that for almost 20 years now.

My parents never consulted me after I reached adulthood about moving house or going on holiday, they just informed me. I do the same now. But I still inform her and the children of what is going on, travel plans, my health, friendships and what I bought when I went out shopping.

I'm hoping the same can be said by my children. So far so good. We've been involved in all the major decisions in their lives, they consult us about things, they tell us their travel plans, their plans for the future, if they've bought a new car, but they don't ask us to help them anymore. They'll run their ideas past us, but usually at that point they've made their decision. They'll ask for financial advice, but not for money, with planning their futures, renting a flat, buying a house, planning for their wedding.

They'll ask to stay in our flat and treat it with respect, it's always clean and tidy when I want to use it, we don't charge them rent for living there for periods of time in between jobs or travels. They respect us as adults as we do them.

They are all adults now, they are all financially responsible for themselves, they have other people to consult with before us as parents, which is how it should be.

We've done our job, raised them with minimum hassles, to be strong and independent individuals, with their own views and opinions, but do they still need their mum?

Who knows? We've really not been tested yet as parents to adult children, the 4 boys range in age from 19 - 29. They've all needed guidance at some point since leaving home, help sorting out finances, support making decisions to move abroad and change jobs. We live 3000 miles away from them, we're not there for the day to day stuff, although they do tell us about their normal lives.

We're not there to help with the driving lessons, or take them out for dinner to check in, we have to rely on them contacting us if they need support, we don't see the changes and aren't around to pick up on hints and clues, that they might need us. We rely on them to tell us.

They are all adults now with the youngest turning 20 next month.

Do they need their mum though? No I don't think they do anymore, I'm not and shouldn't be the first person they turn to for help, support and guidance, but they do keep me informed of their life decisions, they know I'm here if they need anything, they know they have a home to go to whether it's using our UK flat or coming to visit us in Dubai. They know they can ask for financial help, but they rarely do, if ever. They know they can tell me anything and I'll support them.

They choose to have a mum as adults, I'm not their friend. That's my husbands role........lol.

Getting out of a rut and blowing my own trumpet.

If you've been reading my blog posts recently you'll notice I've been stuck in a rut and quite a negative one. I feel isolated and lonely and bored and quite frankly depressed most days.

I introduced a 9am rule to ensure I wasn't wallowing around in my pj's all day, something that happens easily when you don't work, your kids have flown the nest and you live 1000's of miles away from family and friends. I'm also taking steps to look after myself with exercise and eating better.

Having just passed the 7 year mark as expats (4 in South Africa and 3 in Dubai) you'd think I would have adjusted to life living abroad by now and got used to it, got on with it. I mean how miserable can it actually be living in the sun without a care in the world?

But I'm not an easy going person, I thrive on stress/deadlines. I had 5 kids at home, a carer, I did 2 degrees back to back (still need to finish one) I ran the local football club, sat on the PTA, had hobbies, baked and ran kids around the countryside to various activities.

When we became expats, we still had two kids at home, but I stopped working (laws in SA prevented me) I couldn't finish my degree (the OU wouldn't let me in SA) the eldest learnt to drive, there were no more school runs. I got involved with a couple of charities, I re established my identity, I made friends, I found a purpose, we got a cat and dog, the kids left home and just as I felt I was getting someone, we upped sticks and moved to Dubai, where I had to start all over again. New place, new rules, new friends, new routines.

But with the deep fear of having to give it all up again and risk everything I'd built up and move into the unknown, I've not settled into life in Dubai. I taught here for a year, but working full time and having a myriad of dramas back in the UK and with a husband who works long hours and is away a lot, I gave the job up, it wasn't working. I can't establish a routine other than back and forth to the UK.

I've tried the coffee mornings, I've met people online for coffee dates, I've made a few friends, but I know I'm keeping my distance and besides, try as I might I just can't keep my big mouth shut and can't (don't want to compete with the false world of living beyond my means to impress those who are living beyond their means.

I also find it hard it talk about the good stuff in my life, it feels like I'm bragging, showing off and besides people are much more interested in the doom and gloom anyway. In general it makes them feel a lot better about their own lives. I find people are happy to read about other people's problems but they're not so keen on actually listening to them. I also find when I talk about the positives in my life that people find it hard to understand I actually envy other peoples lives also.  I also share a lot of stuff online and I'm very open, which some people can find difficult to handle if they're more private about their feelings. Why do I share online? Because I'm lonely and I'm looking for interaction and feedback to know I'm not alone.

But for my own benefit and not to piss anyone off (if you are pissed off, deal with it) here is what is good about my life and why and what I can do to build on it. In general I tend to find when people blog/post about how wonderful their partners are or how financially secure they are, that usually there are deeper problems and that they are only fooling themselves, so here goes:

I love my husband and he loves me. We have a secure and safe relationship, where I can be me. I can scream and shout, I can cry, I can blame him for how I feel. I am safe to explore my feelings and emotions, he never holds these things against me. 

I have a good relationship with my adult children, we have regular contact and they will often come to me for help, advice and support. Usually they have already made their decisions, but they still run them past me first, this makes me happy, that they feel they can come to me without judgement.

I have a good relationship with my mother, it could be better, there are still a few hangups for both of us to let go, but since my father's death last year, on the whole I'd say I think as Mother and daughter, we've finally nailed it.

I have a handful of friends who I can trust with anything, who will and have been there for me when needed and know some of my deepest and darkest secrets. BTW hubby knows them all also.

Living as an expat allows me the luxury of not having to work, I accepted a few years ago that my career is not important to me anymore, I achieved something, I can hold a conversation about the workplace and if others want to judge or even exclude me on the basis that I don't have a job then that is their loss and they're certainly not worth my time anyway.

I have money in my pocket to do things. I can go for coffee, I can accept an invitation for dinner, I can buy new clothes, shoes, handbags if I want, when I want. I don't have to worry about saving up for Christmas. I can book a flight and hire a car when I need or want to go to the UK and not have to worry about family emergencies. I can spend money on the house and garden to make it more comfortable and enjoyable for me to spend time in. I could hire a maid if I wanted to do the boring tasks such as cleaning and ironing, but TBH, if I didn't have that to do, I'd be even more bored and I've got used to living in a show home. I'm proud of my home, I'm relaxed about hubby turning up unannounced with colleagues he's forgotten to mention are coming round for dinner or even staying the weekend.

I'm not frightened to try new things, tackle challenges head on, it doesn't mean that I don't get stressed or upset or sometimes even feel like I'm going to fail and sometimes failing. I'm getting better at asking for help and have learnt last year how to say no to people who just drain me and take and give nothing back

I am generally happy being me, with what I've achieved, how people will come to me for advice, based on my experiences in life, turn to me to get difficult things done and sometimes I actually admire myself for what I capable of doing and how I do manage under such severe pressure and stress on some occasions. I've just got to accept that being lonely isn't a bad thing, that it's ok to be bored. It's ok to do nothing, it's ok to spend the day drinking coffee and watching TV as long as I break it up with some exercise (walking the dog) and eating properly. It's ok to go out for coffee and eat lunch on my own, sit on the beach and anything else I fancy doing.

I sent this to my niece last week, I'm not one for inspirational quotes, but today it suits me also.

Are you lonely? or bored? What do you do to combat it?

Life without friends, I couldn't do it.

My friends the past few months have been a lifeline for me after my dad died and I found myself 1000's of miles from my home in Dubai trying to juggle my emotions with dealing with his sudden death, clearing out a life times collection of his stuff that had little value or worth to others, helping mum sell the house and purchase a new flat, one son emigrating to Australia, another being deployed to the Middle East, the teen leaving school, my health, a scare with cancer and a diagnosis of pneumonia, as well as the general day to day issues. Whilst hubby stayed in Dubai keeping our lives afloat financially and everyone else around me, despite their grief, apart from mum, still had their own homes, families and day to day lives to return to, some normality.

I'm a very social person, I'll chat with anyone, anywhere. I've made friends in the town where my parents and family live. I've never lived there. I'm known in the coffee shop, with the only question they need to ask is whether I'm drinking in or out that day. I know all the neighbours where we bought a flat last year and we chat. The woman in the post office asks about my son in the Middle East when I post a BFPO box out to him and enquires about the other kids and their girlfriends as various, random packages are sent to different locations. In the pub, they know my drink and even make me a cup of tea, if I just fancy some company and not alcohol. I've been offered the use of a car, lifts to the airport, my phone book list has grown. I've met my Mums neighbours, I pop round for a drink, met lovely baby twins that have melted my heart, their Mum was so kind to me and the teen the night my dad died and now probably a life long friend in the making.

I’m still in touch with school friends from when I was 5 in primary school and from secondary school aged 11+. We will meet occasionally, as in once a year or even less, but we chat maybe once every few months or so on face book.

I have another set of friends that come and go more frequently in my life, where we can go a couple of years without seeing one another, but keep in regular contact online and via mail, in fact I have a couple of friends I have regular contact with with that I've never actually met. These friends have shared happy and sad times with me, not necessarily at the same time or same events, important events in both our lives, our partners and our children.

I also have friends that have come and gone, been there for big events in one another lives and for day to day stuff also that I no longer have contact with, we've drifted apart through life experiences, fall outs or just grown apart for whatever reason.

I have day to day friends, acquaintances, people I meet up with when I'm in Dubai or the UK, but we're not involved in one another lives to share emotions, thoughts and feelings, just day to day stuff, say hi and hang out with from time to time.

I have another set of friends who have featured prominently in mine and my children’s lives and me in theirs also for a very long time. Three friends I've known for 24, 19 and 15 years. These 3 friends don't do social media, but their children do. Keeping in touch has been harder, especially when we lived in South Africa and the postal system was less reliable, but since moving to Dubai 3 years ago and with more frequent visits to the UK, the friendship has become closer, we've shared births, marriages, divorces, children leaving home, in one case the arrival of grandchildren. Our partners get on well, our kids grew up together, we've babysat one another kids, their kids looked after ours, our kids are now looking after their kids, we've all moved houses, lost a parent (or two) recently. We all know one another, we all ask after the others, everyone knows how important these friends are in my life. The kids are in contact with the adults, with the children, both through me and independently.

These 3 friends in particular are my lifeline, they keep me going, they are part of me. Everyone I met holds some significance in my life, be it on a short journey or for a lifetime, in real life or online. There's always someone around that just has the right words at the right time, even if it's just a random stranger asking if I'm ok in a supermarket like they did last week, when something triggered my upset about my Dads death.

Sharing my son with another family.

Child 4 was the last to leave home in 2014, he was almost 20 and had been the last child at home for almost a year after child 5 returned to the UK to boarding school.

Child 4 is the only child we've had an input with into adult hood, he was at home the longest, therefore the one we spent the most time with as a young adult.

He was the only one we taught to drive, who we left home alone to look after his younger sibling while we travelled and the one who did the school runs, food shops and picked us up after a night out.

Apart from the youngest who finishes school this year, the other 3 boys manage their own finances, careers and lives in general. But they always come to me for advice and support before making major decisions. They respond to messages, but unlike child 4, they rarely initiate just general day to day chat.

However things are changing/have changed with child 4 in the past few months since he got himself a girlfriend. I don't mean that he's stopped talking to me, tagging me in photo's or even become distant. I mean he now has a whole new family involved in his life. He tags me in photo's of days out with his girlfriend and her family, his achievements and just general stuff he thinks I'll like, same as usual, but now not only is his girlfriend commenting on his posts, so are her family, their extended family, friends and neighbours.

These are people I don't know, but who are getting to know my son just as well as I do. Whose comments are similar to mine, because they know what he's like and how he'll respond. People who share 'in' jokes with him. People who he tells things to at the same time as he tells me. People who are important in his life, of equal importance to me.

I'm not jealous, but I do envy their relationship with my son. My relationship with my son is now online, we live 4000 miles apart, he sees his girlfriend most days after work, he goes round her house and eats his tea with her family, he walks their dog, he talks to her dad about the football, he asks her mum to help with removing stains from his clothes.

As a Mother to 5 children, all bar one being adults, I've accepted a long time ago, that they would all grow up and leave home one day, that they'd get girlfriends, get married one day and eventually have children of their own. What I didn't think about was how their new families had families of their own.

I'm off to Belfast for a few days in March to meet the girlfriend and her family and the 3 of us are taking a road trip to Dublin, it's a short visit, but it will be nice to meet the girlfriend and her family and get to know the people my son now shares his life with on a daily basis.

My view on life with teenagers

Well that’s it really, everytime we go out as a family, everywhere we go, this is my view of everything.

If I want to talk to hubby it’s a matter of push and shove, but really I don’t actually mind as it saves me from all the banter, the mickey taking, the male humour that drags me down after an all day outing.

How do you view life with teenagers?

Expat Life

I've done a blog post swop, wht's that I hear you ask? Well I write an article for The Expat Hub and they write one for my blog.

After 2 years, I'm still struggling with the points below, but acceptance is coming as I meet more expats and openly discuss my feelings.



Settling in can be hard


Moving abroad and away from friends and family is never an easy decision to make. Everyone moves for their own reasons whether it is because a partner has landed a new job, or simply that you want to retire to sunnier climes. Depending on your circumstances there is a good chance that you will encounter some problems along the way. We take a look at some of the most common problems suffered by expats and how to overcome them.

Loneliness

By far the most common problem reported by expats wherever they are. Moving away from your loved ones and in some cases living in a nation with a completely different language can lead expats to feel isolated and alone. It’s a well known fact that many expats remain hidden inside their homes for the first few months after their move, this is because they find it difficult to socialise and mix with their new neighbours.

The best way to overcome loneliness is to push yourself to try and get involved in the local community, after all what are you going to achieve by hiding indoors all day? Check the local press for clubs and meetings to join. Do volunteer work at a charity or school, anything to get you out and mixing with the world.

The internet is also a great way of making contact with the outside world. You could join our Expathub forum and interact with other expats in similar situations. A problem shared and all that. A good trick that expats use is the fact that when you move abroad nobody really knows you! It’s the perfect opportunity to reinvent your-self.

Cultural differences

The issue of cultural differences when moving overseas is often a problem for expats. Some nations are home to a completely different way of life compared to what you’re used to so it definitely pays to do some research on your destination before you move. By knowing about the culture of your new home you can prepare yourself for the differences and be aware of what will be expected of you if you run into problems.

If you’re even contemplating about leaving your homeland for pastures new then you must be fairly adventurous already. The old saying ‘when in Roma, do as the Romans do’ is just as relevant today as when it was first said centuries ago.

Relationship problems

For any move overseas to be successful everyone involved needs to want it “as much as each other”. While there are very few cases where all parties are pulling in the same direction at the same speed and with the same strength, there needs to be a general consensus that the move overseas is in the best interests of all concerned.

Sadly many expat relationships break up after a fairly short period of time in their new country because one is unhappy or doesn’t share their partner’s enthusiasm. Don’t use a move abroad as a new chance to patch up a relationship, chances are that it will make things worse and you could end up being stranded in a foreign country. Overall if you’re going to emigrate make sure both sides of a partnership want it the same amount.

This article was provided by The Expat Hub the number one stop for expatriates looking for advice, support and information.

I am depressed

From the moment you are born your identity is changing, from self imposed identity from your parents, their beliefs, place of birth, how they raise they, through to school, social groups, peers, incidents both positive and negative. What career path you take, who you marry, having children, death, and divorce. It’s all about identity which in turn provides self worth.
As a former psychology student I know all about identity. I’ve written assignments on it after studying for hours. Yet I’ve still managed to lose mine and with it I have become depressed. I wasn’t depressed when I had my children, or when I moved, or married or divorced, I saw all that as a new chapter in my life. Throughout life my identity has changed from being someone’s child, student, mother, and wife. I’ll never stop being someone’s child or someone’s mother, but I know that relationship will change. One day my parents won’t be alive anymore, one day my children will leave home, I may go into old age alone and not be someone’s wife anymore and I’ve always been aware that this will happen but I would by then have other things that make me, me.
Employment, study, where I live, friends, they’d still be there, maybe different from what I started out with, but in essence the same things brought around by gradual changes to my life, some internal (the desire to learn more) some external (moving, changing jobs) But now those things have been taken from me and I’m a little bit lost.
Maybe that sounds a little harsh ‘Taken from me’ I chose to support my husband, uproot my family, leave my parents and adult children and friends behind in the UK while we restarted a new life in South Africa. But I didn’t choose to lose everything, employment, friends, and relationships with family. I naively thought it would all come with me, different but still there. It’s the law here that prevents me from working, continuing with my degree. I never realised how hard it was to make friends when you don’t have a work place or a school play ground to hang round in. That’s how I’d always done things, I’d progressed from one thing to another, losing people along the way and gaining new friends as I moved on either through work or the children’s school or my own education. Some of the acquaintances I had in the UK have now become firm friends; others have drifted by the way side. They never realised how much I needed their support, clung onto contact with them. Because they’d all been a part of whom I was and without them, without employment and education I had nothing. I lost my identity.
At this point I hear you sigh ‘melodramatic, got an easy life, sun, pool, no need to work, what on earth has she got to complain about?’ Some days I can’t physically get out of bed, Hubby takes the kids to school and at 1.30pm I drag myself out of bed, half dress to collect the kids from school, other days I’m manic, up at 3.30am housework, cooking, baking, shopping, coffee, volunteer work, getting things done, staying up till midnight, crying with tiredness, sewing, reading, writing letters, blogging, tweeting. At the moment I’m going through the ‘eating everything in the house’ stage. I’ve put on 6 kilos, that’s nearly a stone in weight. I’m still going to the gym daily and swimming, but the length of time I spend in the pool is less and less, it’s more about routine than keeping fit. I have lists, that all I seem to do is rewrite, reorder whilst drinking coke and eating sweets. I’ve been on anti depressants, I’ve told people what’s going on, but I’ve never described how I feel. I fell lost, empty, lonely and sad.
The medication helps me deal with these issues but it doesn’t take away those feelings. Lots of people including hubby say ‘go home, return to the UK’ I don’t want to, I don’t give a stuff if you think it’s because I don’t want to be a failure, It’s because I want to and know that I will succeed, that we will succeed, that this move will have been worth it for all of us, not just hubbies career or the children’s education but for the life experience we have gained from being here, the opportunities that have arisen. I know that by talking openly about depression will help me, will help others and maybe my experiences can one day be used to a greater good.
Right now I just sound ungrateful, miserable, depressing. I’m lucky, to have these opportunities, to have my health, that my children are healthy and achieving both here and back in the UK, but the reality is I’m none of the above by choice. I am depressed, bare with me.
It took me 39 years to be who I was, to form an identity. So far it’s been 2 years of grieving for what I’ve lost, who I’ve become, because the problem is after two years I just haven’t become anyone else yet. It takes time to create a new identity, I need a few more experiences, meet new people, develop existing friendships and find a purpose to my life other than that of a daughter, wife and mother.