Saturday 3 September 2011

How do you manage a broken friendship?

When a marriage or a sexual relationship comes to an end, we know why. Rarely does a divorce or a break down in a relationship pass quietly. We either get to vent, blame, accuse, explain, beg via text, a letter, face to face or in court. Although you may not want this to end, you may feel it can all be resolved, go back to the way it once was, at least you know why, how and when...even if it was all your own fault.

When a friendship comes to an end, that's alot harder to deal with and often it just stops, no explanation, no chance to discuss/yell/ just stops.

It's hard to deal with and sometimes, in most cases, you'll never know why or understand how such a valuable friendship, where you've shared EVERYTHING, can suddenly come to an end.

I'm sure I've been guilty of this myself, but had anyone ever written/called/texted I would have replied, I would have explained why...but no one ever has.

The first time I was dumped, I knew why...I wasn't having a relationship whilst still married (please note I am now married to the man I was having the relationship with and we were both seperated at the time)

She was godmother to my son who is now 19, we shared a flat, we worked together, I rescued her from some serious dodgy situations. I took her to barcelona to the 92 Olympics, I won a competition, she missed most of the games preferring to drink or sleep late, it annoyed me but we didn't stop being friends. She met a bloke, they had two kids, I was godmother to their son, she never married, she discovered God and after attending her son's 2nd Birthday party she informed me that she found it difficult to be friends with someone in my situation and that was that...didn't dwell on that too much, moved on quickly...Hypocrite

The second ending of a friendship occured at almost the same time, this was my friend and confident, when I started my new relationship, where I stayed when my marriage ended. She had an open door policy, never needed to book anything just turn up for coffee, cake, shopping, gossip and her the same with me, I started to notice that I would pop in and a mutual friend would be there and say 'where were you last night, we had a great party' and she'd remain silent...I stopped going round so much and one day when I turned up, having given her some space she asked me not to call in again and shut the door. The mutual friend asked her why? she wouldn't tell them. I asked mutual friend not to bother asking again and shortly afterwards, mutual friend informed me she'd been treated the same way, as had other friends...a breakdown? never found out, although all I do know is that I was in a new relationship, mutual friend with moving and another friend had a baby, maybe she felt left out, her life was going no where, I'll never know. 11 years later she applied to be my friend on facebook, I declined.

The third friendship that ended was last April after 12 years, she was single, married, divorced, 2 kids, moved home with her parents, I was married, divorced, single, married and moved...we saw alot of oneanother, if anything ever went wrong we dropped what we were doing to support the other. On reflection she dropped what she was doing and I went to her, whether it was my problem or hers. During these 12 years she dropped me regulary for another friend, her friendships were always intense but would come to the stage where she'd be on the phone asking me why this person had done this or that to her, or hadn't invited her to a wedding/christening etc, she made this other friends god parents, bridesmaids etc I was always of the belief that I was more like family to here, we had some good rows/disagreements especially over opposed parenting and kids behaviours, but we always remaind friends. I posted some pics of us, both drunk over the years and some family shots, xmas's spent together, holidays etc in a private folder on facebook...and that was that, she accussed me of being spiteful, putting her daughters life in danger as her father could see them. She wrote this in the maintimeline. I tried to call her, she refused to answer, I sent a text and a PM on fb saying it was a private folder only her and I could see that, she wrote some awful stuff to me, threatening to lose me my job in child protection. I explained again it was a private folder and no one else could see it, I deleted the folder sent her a text to say put your own house in order first, your teenage daughter has an open account with pictures of her sister and you've put your GPS location and mobile number on your profile and that was that.
i sent birthday cards last year, she ignored her god son (my youngest) ignored my eldests 18th, xmas etc. We emigrated I sent her a text, she wished me well, I wrote to say sorry if it had all casued her a confusion, she hasn't replied, her daughter and my son are still friends on facebook, I've not had a response from the letter I wrote to her parents to say hi, but her sister did reply.

I promise you this is the last one.
Visited friends to say we were moving to South Africa, 'how exciting, I grew up there' lots of stories etc. Sent an invite for our leaving do, recieved a text to say 'can't make that night, all the best x x x' no suggestion to make another date, no request for address, but I've written and sent cards for their birthdays etc.

It hurts, its unfair, they owe me an explanation, I can make ones up like, jealously, being left out, left behind...but I'll never know.

It takes time, it does offend, it does upset but I guess I can't prevent it from happening again. Friends 1, 2 & 4 have now been put to bed, but friend 3 does puzzle me still and sadly I'm looking forward to the day she does get in touch and I ignore her, childish I know...but revenge is sweet.

talking has helped me get it off my feel free to share.