2021 January 8th-10th Post Comment Love

Happy New Year and welcome back to Post Comment Love #PoCoLo a weekly linky run by Stephanie from Lifeat139a and I, where you can link up with any blog post written each week. We share the posts on twitter and comment on all linked up between us, we just ask that you Post, Comment then share the Love. 

Christmas was a strange affair for Peter and I, he spent it in Saudi and I spent it in a hotel on a beach. Due to the new covid strain in the UK, Saudi just closed their borders overnight without warning. We weren't happy especially as it had been hit and miss as to whether or not I'd make it back to Dubai at all this year, oh the irony, it turned out it was his travels we should've worried about.

Well 2021 got off to a fantastic start for Peter and I, he made it back from Saudi in time for the New Year which we celebrated by taking a midnight walk in our neighbourhood to watch the fireworks go off on the Atlantis and the Beach and spent New Years Day walking along the canal then seeing the fireworks again down on the beach followed by a drone light show. Dubai do everything so well, they even celebrate the New Year twice. 

I also started the new year off by getting the Chinese vaccine, Sinopharm, which is available to all residents and citizens in the UAE. I need my 2nd jab on the 25th January. I've blogged about why I chose these vaccine on this weeks link up.

Then disaster struck, I was admitted to hospital for 2 nights with severe lower back pain and no known cause, turns out I have a herniated or slipped disc and have been assigned 7 days bed rest as from today. I also have surgery on Saturday for an unrelated issue and I have a full time job ahead of me when I recover filling in all the medical calm forms as so much wasn't pre approved so you pay up front and claim back later. 

So I'm no confined to bed till next week, I've plenty of blogging and reading to do and have a whole back catalogue of Crimewatch from the mid 1980's on youtube lined up to watch, it's frightening just how many murder cases are still unsolved from those times.

I know 2021 is going to be an up and down year for us, regardless of Covid, I turn 50 this year, I'm unsure where I'll be living for most of this year, UK or Dubai but I'm grateful to have a secure home in both countries, who knows when borders will shut again and where I'll be, I was shut out of Dubai last year. If I'm honest I don't mind if I get shut out of the UK, it's tough being there, so near, yet so far, from family I'm usually separated from due to being an expat, it's harder when I'm only a few miles down the road and can't see them. But I'll take what I can get, be grateful for our health, the covid vaccine and the medical aid.

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I can't cope with my depression.

If I smile or a make a joke or dare to laugh, it doesn't mean I'm better, it doesn't mean I'm coping, it just means that I smiled, joked or laughed.

Being depressed for me doesn't have me rocking in a corner crying all day. I still do things, go places, talk to people.

Being depressed means I don't cope well when things go wrong, usually things that are out of my control and when something happens it's WHAM, smack in the face and EVERYTHING is brought up to the surface and I can't cope with it.

Mainly these are trivial things like dropping the rice on the floor like I did tonight after hoovering.

It doesn't matter what the cause of depression is, it doesn't matter that you don't understand, saying things like 'it could be worse' are worthless to me right now, because the thought of things getting worse could just be the end of me.

At the moment I'm watching my phone, refreshing my facebook feed, all day, everyday. I need to know if the tenants in our UK house are making the rental payments, I need to hear how my Mother is getting on as she is in hospital.

All I need is a message to say 'no change' They say 'no news is good news' but when you're suffering with depression, no news just means 'no one cares'.

I'm sure everyone thinks that they're doing what's best for you, that they don't want to worry you, burden you. But when you're depressed paranoia kicks in, you can't fight it, it's just there.

I'm writing this blog post to physically stop me smashing my head against the wall, the urge is so strong. It won't do me any good, but if I tell you I have a migraine, you'll sympathise, even if you don't suffer with migraines, you know what pain is like.

If I cut my head open from smashing it against the wall, you'll see that I'm physically hurt and you'll ask how it happened, is there anything you can do to help.

You don't see my depression, so therefore it isn't there for you to ask about. You're fed up of asking me how I am anyway because I'll say I'm fine, because when I'm interacting, when I'm sociallising I am fine or I wouldn't be able to do it.

I'm not looking for your sympathy, a reaction, concern from you. I'm asking you just to remember that sometimes I don't deal with things, sometimes I jsut cry, sometimes I just want to run away and hide until it's all over.

But that's not going to happen so I'll just keep on talking, crying and I may even try rocking in the corner, because I get no pleasure from this.

I just want it to stop.