I've not been in a good place at the start of the week and it took until Tuesday evening to work out the triggers. I've been catastrophising again. I'm going to die, the car will crash on the wet roads, in the dark on my way home from work. I'll be hit by a lorry. If I make it home I'll find Peter dead. This is all part of the PTSD. I just couldn't work out why it was back and had me stressing out. I've not been sleeping, eating properly and my brain has been firing at a million miles an hour. Then after events in work on Tuesday and Peter flying out to Turkey and me coming home to an empty house and getting the Christmas decorations out the loft, it hit me. It's a repeat of a year ago. A year since Stephanie died and we're doing the same things, almost at the same time. The only difference being I wasn't in work this time last year. My new job is very stressful, I've already taken a sabbatical. I'm not well, the flu?
The cat has been ever so needy this week. She's used to Peter being home in the day and letting her in and out on demand. with me being in work she's not had that luxury and has obviously been lonely and has been following me around and demanding I let her out one door, then asking to come straight back in through another door.
Sunday
Day 312 We went out for coffee and Peter drove home via the supermarket and I walked back. I got home before him so sat reading in the garden. The tent had finally dried so it was rolled up and packed away in the lounge, the I tidied up the under cover area, swept it and it's now winter ready for me to enjoy. I cooked a roast which we ate around 3pm, we watched some football. I had an early bath and read. I was in bed and asleep by 8.30pm.
Monday
Day 313 I woke at 4am. I think I could've slept longer, but my brain was far more awake and raring to go. Peter had done all the ironing over the weekend, so I sorted through that and paired socks, did some blogging, tidied my work bag up, sent some emails and prepared a parcel for posting. Then off to work for the day. A staff meeting till 5pm then home. Peter persuaded me to do my run even though I wasn't feeling it and I was stressing out as I'd not remembered the meeting. I was feeling sick, had a knot in my stomach, was anxious, panicking that I messed up the whole evening, was in tears by the time I got home. I ran 3.5km and Peter collected me as I ran to the shops to pick up a few things he needs for his trip tomorrow. I felt so much better doing the run, sticking to my plan/routine, talking it through, explaining how I'd felt and getting the support I needed. We had yesterday's left overs for dinner, watched TV, had a bath and bed.
Tuesday
Day 314 I didn't sleep at all. A sad day in work. A colleagues father died suddenly. My line manager gave me the heads up that I might like to avoid the staff room at break time with all the speculation as it was all over the news. I was really emotional due to her kindness thinking that it might be a trigger for me. Peter off to Turkey for two weeks to stay with his friend and family. After work I went to the post office. 2nd parcel to be returned after post office staff convinced me the other options (Evri and DPD) were just as good and would save me money (£2.70) Evri parcel already cost me another £3.99 to send the normal way. I couldn't get a new pre paid prescription online and over the phone the online payment wouldn't accept my Santander bank card. When I got home I discovered I'd only been given 2 weeks worth of medication instead of a month. Put both vehicles on charge, washing and drying on. Took the camping gear and fans up to the first floor and brought the Christmas decorations downstairs. Made dinner, my lunch for tomorrow, watched Eastenders, had a bath and was in bed by 10pm.
Wednesday
Day 315 Didn't sleep very well, frantic till midnight that I'd plugged the vehicles in wrong and they'd catch fire, up and down to the window. Up at 5am and put some practice GCSE maths and English papers together to print at work. Into work, covering all years in Science, it was a full on and stressful day. Out for my run after work, coffee on my own and a walk home. The run didn't go well, too cold and wet, so I made an enquiry about going the gym. Home to sort the washing, have dinner, watch TV and had a bath. Did my mums food shop online. Sorted through some paperwork, I tried making a complaint re my parcel with DPD and I tidied the dining room before going to bed at 10pm.
Thursday
Day 316 Took the van off charge and put the cables away. Home from work after a day covering in English and dialled into an online training session while I had an early dinner then off to the Doctors for my B12 jab. Called into the gym to set up my new membership and book an orientation session for Monday. Had a coffee, blogged and read and did some food shopping. Couldn't get through to DPD on the phone, so made a complaint to the Post Office who sold me the service (I'm not hopeful) Can't set up the new OVO app as Peter can't receive texts and it's linked to his number so I have to manually charge the car. Home to do some tidying in the loft and sort through some English GCSE revision papers and list some clothing on Vinted. Had a bath, watched some TV and bed by 10pm.
Friday
Day 317 It’s not particularly heavy but it’s persistent and been non stop raining for 24hrs with so much surface water. The drive to work was tricky, getting home was treacherous. A whole day of covering PSHE and PE lessons. Evening spent uploading more clothes onto Vinted, watching TV, packing for tomorrow, early dinner and bath, a nap, too many biscuits and just chilling out.
Saturday
Day 318 Plans for parkrun and pre Christmas walk in the Cotswolds with my friend Chrissie cancelled after all the rain and road closures. So I had a lie in and drove down the M5 to Gloucester to spend some time metaphysical time with Stephanie for a coffee and some shopping. It was very upsetting, but something I needed to do. I checked the roads and decided to drive on down to the Forest of Dean to visit mum and the grandchildren for a couple of hours, getting home around 6pm.
Things to make you smile:
I can't tell you half the stuff that goes on in work, but lets just say that on the 3rd call out in one lesson, I asked the Head to just take the whole back row and reroute them to save him coming back again, which he did willingly.
Things that made me happy:
Getting through a coffee and a shop without Stephanie, although there were tears and I found it hard, it was comforting to be able relive some happy memories. An unexpected call from child 4 to say him and the family are visiting in December and having some spare time for a visit with child 2 and his family.
On the blog this week:
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Word of the Week - Things
It sounds like a rough week, I catastrophize everything and it's exhausting. I have no advice just wanted to send some love and hugs! I am glad the running is helping and good luck at the gym.
ReplyDeleteThat is so kind that your line manager gave you the heads up about your colleagues father dying. xxx