Trigger warning:
I wish I'd had warnings of these triggers this week.
The first one was buying cards on behalf of my mum for Christmas. I've accepted that this year there won't be gifts or a card for Stephanie. I've written a card for her care home. I was aware her name wasn't on the Christmas gift list. It makes me sad. The trigger came when I stood in the card shop in front of the 'daughter' section and the reality kicked in that there was no daughter card to be bought this year.
The second trigger was a story on Radio 2 and on the news about a dog in Northern Ireland that alerted a woman to her husband having a heart attack. He survived it. The trigger was the wife talking about her husbands breathing 'the death rattle' thankfully I had only just started the engine and I had 20 minutes before I needed to return to work and was able to work my way through the PTSD flashback to the night my father died.
The third trigger was crossing a bridge over the canal in Worcester, the first crossing left me a little uneasy but I couldn't work out why, then as I crossed back to the car, it clicked. We've crossed the bridge a couple of times since Stephanie died but it was the first time I'd been on it on my own. We'd brought Stephanie here in 2019 and I had a physical image of me placing her hands on the rail as I stepped back to take her photo. I struggled to get home, I was so sad.
The fourth trigger was I was fully prepared this year that there would be no 1st of December box for Stephanie. Peter suggested we stop at Starbucks on our way out on Saturday and I was driving. I was in charge of our route, then I realised we were going to mums first so not down the M50, but via Gloucester and this meant the same route we would drive to Stephanies's. I've moved on with driving this route, I've moved on with going to the Starbucks we used to take her to, but ... the combination of not going to see her, not taking her out for coffee and not taking her 1st of December box all at the same time was too much.
Sunday
Day 326 I didn't wake until 9am. Made a cup of tea and phoned Peter and at 9.20 I had a mad panic to get ready and pick my friend up at 9.45am as we were going out for breakfast and a wander round the local garden centre. Had a good natter and catch up and we're going out for a few drinks on Saturday with a couple of other friends. Dropped her home then back out to do a food shop. Back to bed for a couple of hours with a migraine and a ton of meds. Then the rest of the day spent cleaning the bathrooms and dusting and hoovering upstairs. I had a bath, watched I'ma. celeb and went to bed at 10.30pm. Painted my nails, updated my blog and asleep around 11.30pm.
Monday
Day 327 Woken rudely by my alarm. Into work and a good day of classes. English and Maths. I know the subject in the morning, but often don't see the lesson plan until just before the class starts so I have little time to prepare. The resources are always ready but my knowledge often isn't. Home and washing in tumble dryer, cat fed and I got changed and headed straight out to the gym. My arches really hurt so running was a no go. I went on the rowing machine and the bikes and have been advised to use the cross trainer the rest of this week until I can have my running analysed next week and I need to go back to running outdoors as well to see if it's a problem there. Picked up mum's Christmas cards which was a trigger buying cards for 'daughter' had a coffee, then home and a catch up call with my cousin in Brighton. I then ran the hoover round downstairs, cooked my dinner, got ready for work in the morning, mopped the kitchen floor, dishwasher on and emptied, a final tidy round, bath and in front of the telly to watch I'm a celeb, before getting into bed at 10.30pm.
Tuesday
Day 328 Last morning of making my own tea. Into work which went well despite not being able to retrieve students work from the DT room as it was hard tracking down someone with a key. I joked with the students I hadn't passed the test to work be allowed around sharp objects. I ended up with extra students and had a surprise year 10 maths lesson for which I was unprepared for but muddled through. Home to Peter who arrived back early afternoon. I cooked a roast chicken for dinner, unwrapped my presents, lots of yummy Turkish delight. Filled Peter in on I'm a celeb. he wasn't interested but he'll be subjected to watching it and he ends up enjoying it each year. He got gripped on Traitors in the end.
Wednesday
Day 329 Very icy drive to work with puddles cracking underneath. I invigilated two exams, covered science and maths. Home and changed and off to the gym then met a friend for coffee. In the gym I tried the treadmill again but with a gradient but the running was too painful so I walked at a fast pace of 4mph for half an hour. Got home at 7pm, watched Birmingham on the telly, then I'm a celeb on ITV plus 1 and into bed at 11.30pm. A photo of the Retail Park at night.
Thursday
Day 330 Another good day in work. One of the women I'm working with asked me where I went to school, turns out we were at the same school a few years a part, I couldn't remember her, but she knew who I was. Into Worcester after work to buy the last few bits and pieces for mum to finish her Christmas shopping that she can't get where she lives. She'll catch the bus to Gloucester one day, but I can't guarantee a Saturday where I can meet her to drive her home afterwards. We're visiting this Saturday but don't have the time for shopping in Gloucester on our way to visit. Evening spent watching Celebrity race around the world and I'm a celeb.
Friday
Day 331 Work was good. Straight home, changed and out for a run before it got too dark. I ran to the pharmacy for my flu jab, than ran onto the retail park to meet Peter for a coffee. Home for dinner and I put the Christmas tree, tinsel and lights up. Watched I'm a celeb and in bed by 11pm. Peter went to visit a friend in hospital for the day in Swindon, he did some Christmas shopping and bought himself some new saucepans. 
Saturday
Day 332 I slept till 8am, then off to the Forest of Dean, via Gloucester and a Starbucks to drop off Mum's pre Christmas gift of a colour in Christmas tree blanket, she loved it. Then off to child 2 and the family to drop off their traditional 1st December boxes with crafts and Christmas clothing. We stopped off in Malvern for a meal. Peter left me in town as I was meeting friends for Christmas drinks for the evening. I got home around midnight.
Things to make you smile:
My granddaughter aged 6 takes things very seriously. Two weeks ago she licked me instead of giving me a kiss and I gave her a side eye. This week when we were leaving, I licked her back and acted like nothing had happened, she stood there in total shock. 'Granny licked me' everyone struggled to keep a straight face, trying to pretend they had no idea what she was on about. I think I may have just started a war I'm not going to win.
Things that made me happy:
Peter coming home, A visit with the grandchildren, a night out with friends.
On the blog this week:
Post Comment Love - Link up with any post written this week
Word of the week - Gym
Sending love and hugs. It sounds like you have been having a rough time with the triggers. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteYou do so well at school, having little time to prepare for the classes.
Welcome back to Peter! I got my fella got hooked on The Traitors and now I'm a Celeb. hehehe
That did make me chuckle about your granddaughter!