Assisting a School leaver into work

Our teenage son, child 5, is privileged and entitled. He has benefited from a private education in a UK boarding school and on leaving school in July has moved into a one bed flat with all his bills being paid for by the bank of mum and dad, his current situation is unemployed. He is lucky, has no understanding of the real world and doesn't have anything to worry about, unlike other people's children who left school this year.

Sounds cushy, doesn't it? And those very words have been said to me on numerous occasions.

The reality is somewhat altogether different.

We live in Dubai, our son was educated in the UK, because at the time we were living in South Africa and there was no support for his dyslexia. There was no British Curriculum available to him until he was 16. Our older son, child 4, found out the hard way that whilst he finished Matric with qualifications to go to University in South Africa, that when his qualifications were converted back in the UK, at the age of 19, he had the equivalent of 5 GCSE's but does not hold English or Maths.

Sending our son back to the UK was not an easy decision. Both emotionally and financially. His teenage years have been spent in a bubble, no parent support, no freedom to get a part time job and no socialising in the evening in town with others, learning valuable lifeskill that his 3 older siblings had.

On leaving school in July 2017 having had applied for apprenticeships, we quickly discovered that the qualification he did at school enabled him to get straight into the world of work, however he had no work experience. All the apprenticeships in his area of interest and knowledge would just be teaching him the same course we'd paid for him to do during his last 2 years in school.

We didn't know this, we were led by the school, the promises they made for his future, but we weren't there to attend the parents evenings, ask the questions, meet the other parents and find out what the reality of all this was going to be.

I spent the summer in the UK, my job as a mum this year was to help him apply for jobs, take him to interviews, help him get a part time job to gain some experience and then get him settled into a place of his own. I was open an open ticket from Dubai and he was my only priority.

Then a week after I collected him from school, my father died and everything stopped.

The teen carried on applying for jobs, I ran him for a few interviews, but I didn't focus on him as I'd promised.

Now I'm back in Dubai, he has a few things lined up, a bit of part time work over the holidays. The only thing we're now paying for are the utility bills, water and electric. We have to pay the council tax, property management fees and insurances regardless of whether he's living there or not. We own the flat, no mortgage, it's our bolt hole when we visit the UK.

But it's in a small town in South Wales, with a population of 10,000 people, there is limited public transport, no train line and it is difficult for him to get anywhere for a 9am interview. He's applied online for all the local jobs, over 150 people applied for one at a coffee shop, he has no retail or work experience.

I'll be back in the UK in February, we'll do another online push together in Mid January to apply for jobs further afield so hopefully any interviews can take place while I'm over so he can attend them easily.

It's not just simply a case of finish school and walk into a job. An 18 year old still needs guidance and support to make the transition into the real world. Normally they get to do this from the safety net of home over a period of time. His brothers left home aged 18 and went into an apprenticeship and 2 joined the army, they do so from the family home, with guidance and support, with someone there to encourage them, help them fill forms and attend interviews. For us, it's very different this time round and will take a bit longer.

So I'd thank you to keep your comments in the opening paragraph to yourself, they're not helpful or even kind. We're doing what we're doing because he's our son and we have the ability to support him in this way. As a parent I'd rather have had him attend school locally, I'd rather be in the UK with him. But I'm not.

*update. Since I wrote this post over Christmas the teen has landed himself a job in the area of work he's interested in, it's a firm offer but he's waiting for security checks to come through before he gets a start date then we'll have to help him find somewhere to live.

What is the right age to leave home?

I left home at 17 and moved into a flat share with a friend, attending college and working part time in the local supermarket in the town where I grew up. Aged 18, I ventured further a field and took a job in care with accommodation.

My husband left home at18 to go to university, his parents moved to the other end of the country at the same time.

We prepared our children to leave home at 18 also. From the age of 16 we started discussing with them the what next? The two oldest boys were able to leave school aged 16 but they were told this was not an option and they knew they had to go into further education. Child 2 chose public service and joined the army just after his 18th birthday and ended up based in Germany, he left the army after 4 years and now lives back where he grew up, with his girlfriend and works locally.

Child 3 chose catering and went into the hotel trade, leaving home aged 18, moving to Reading, with accommodation, then a short spell in Cheltenham before settling in Leeds. Now aged 25 him and his girlfriend are moving out to Australia the end of the month.

Child 4 wanted to join the army from the age of 5, he completed his education in South Africa, leaving home at almost 20 now living in Northern Ireland.

Child 5 completes his education in the UK this week aged 18, he is moving 'home' temporarily with me into a one bed flat in South Wales. The plan is to find him an apprenticeship and accommodation, settle him in and I can return to Dubai.

But I'm not sure it's going to be as easy as this.

The older 3 boys had accommodation with their jobs as did I with mine and hubby had with uni. 

Many of our friends children  and our children's friends are still living at home, well into their mid 20s and in some cases are living there with their partners and even children. Most are working, but quite a few aren't and nearly all are showing no sign of moving out, wanting to move out or their parents wanting them to move out.

The teen doesn't have the option of living at home and getting a job near by and whilst I know family read this and may be upset by this next bit, they're not in a position to support him, they haven't done so to date so we can't assume they will now. He needs a room, a lift to work, a reminder to get up in the morning, lectured of eating well, gentle nagging to do some household chores, support to set up bank accounts, general parenting and guidance into adulthood. He's been in a bubble the past 4 years in boarding school, it's going to be a lot harder for him than it was for the other 3.

As his mum I need to be around, he needs to know I'm around, that I'm there so he can pop home on weekends, I can pop up in the week, help him out with his washing, just say hi and be there to offer guidance and support.

I don't think my husband has fully thought this out, I know I haven't. It's not just a case of finding him somewhere to live, paying a deposit, first months rent, some basic furniture and hoping on a plane and going back to Dubai.

I feel I need to stay in the UK on a regular basis for the first year and pop back to Dubai for visits rather than the other way round. The teen won't be living with me in the UK, it's only a one bed flat and not in an area where there are many opportunities for an apprenticeship, but I'd be in the UK, I'd be near by and I'd feel like I was able to parent when I was required instead of having to find someone else who could spare the time to drive over to find out what he needed, rather than instinctively knowing how to help and what to do.

How old were you when you left home?

Did you have parental support?

At what age did your child leave home? 

Is our youngest child ready to leave school?

I doubt there are many parents who are fully prepared for their youngest child to finish school and leave home. For us, our youngest child has already left home, so unlike with the other children I have very little idea if he's actually ready to leave school and go into the big wide world of work.

Our youngest child leaves school this year. He will be 18 years and 2 months old.

Our youngest child of 5 left home in South Africa in August 2013, aged 14 years and 4 months to return to the UK to complete his education, the last child (4 of 5) left home in January 2014 1 week before his 19th birthday, having completed his schooling the previous month.

Apart from the school holiday we haven't parented for 2 years and have since moved to Dubai. We also haven't taken much of a role in the youngest's school life, apart from occasional emails and very few visits, he hasn't needed it, he's been on track for his apprenticeship with CISCO, he has an active social life both in school on on exeat weekends with friends and I've visited the UK during the shorter holidays and him to Dubai over the summer and Christmas.

This last few months of his schooling will be busy for both him and I, and I will be making regular visits to the school as we discuss the 'what next?' in regards to where his apprenticeship will take place and the logistics around the when and the how and most definitely the costs involved in regards to housing.

Our eldest child is in a care home, children 2 & 4 joined the army and child 3 had accommodation offered with his first job on leaving home, although in later years we helped out with deposits and landlord issues as he changed careers and moved around the UK.

We've not had a conventional school life with our children, involving 4 different, but simultaneous primary schools and 6 different secondary schools both in the UK and South Africa.

Although technically I haven't been involved with school life for a very long time, I think I will miss it. Having sent the older children off to school on their first day in both primary and secondary, by the time the youngest 2 went to school I had few questions or few worries. By the time the youngest 2 left home, I'd gone through all the worries and fears with their older siblings and it was easier to let them go, but also harder as this time they were moving 6000 miles away.

As adults, we see the children 2-3 times a year, either with their visits to us in Dubai, now with girlfriends and mates or us to the UK.

But having a child in school for the past 21 years has given me stability, reassurance and a sense of time, a way to mark the year, arrange birthdays, holidays and finances. Without school I'm not sure now how I will mark the years from now on, as their birthdays will be spent at work, with friends, Christmas will be spent with their own families as the years go by.

I'm just not sure that I'm ready for our last child to leave school, just yet. Peter is of course very relieved as it means an end to private school fees and his dream of an Aston Martin could become a reality.