What is 'Mum Guilt?'

I have none.

Zero guilt about anything I've done as a parent.

If I had my time over again I wouldn't do anything differently or would I?

Or would I just feel that I was under the scrutiny of social media and would I feel guilty for things because I'm told I should feel guilty more?

I didn't feel guilty as a parent if I didn't breast feed, or read enough, or went to the park more often or invested in a extra lessons or the house wasn't clean. I felt frustrated, felt there wasn't enough time in the time, but I didn't feel guilty.

I don't feel guilty for sending the youngest to boarding school. Many tried to make me feel bad for sending him away in an article we were in, in the Daily Mail. Apparently 'Boarding school is a rich persons "putting their kids into care"'
With our eldest child in care due to profound disabilities comments like this are highly offensive, they don't make me feel guilty though, just angered.

I don't feel guilty for not living in the same country as my children. Of the 5 now adult kids. They all  live their own lives, 3 absorbed in work and their new families, 1 moved to Australia and 1 travels the world through his job from his base in Northern Ireland.

I don't pester our adult children into spending time with me or each other, I allow them to make their own choices, they can't drop everything just because I'm over in the UK for a few weeks at a time. I don't make them feel guilty about it, they don't make me feel guilty about being 1000's of miles away.

We don't always like our family set up but it works for us and anyone who makes us feel guilty just isn't worth bothering with.

I can apply not feeling guilty to all aspects of my life. From not only being a mother, but a daughter and a wife.

I just don't conform to stereotypes. I don't measure my life against others. I have occasional envy of other people's lives, but I don't feel I'm missing out on anything if I'm totally honest.

I don't have expat guilt.
I'm not your typical expat. I see so many women aboard having their nails and hair done, following the latest fashions and attending the right events. I could do it if I wanted, it's just not my thing.

I don't have wife guilt.
I miss my husband when I'm in the UK and he misses me when I'm juggling my time with family and friends, leaving him alone with the cat and dog to look after. My husband reminds me that the life we lead has given us and the kids so many opportunities we might not have had if we'd stayed in the UK. we don't make one another feel guilty for the time we are apart.

I don't have daughter guilt.
Living 1000's of miles from my mother. I can do what I do for her from Dubai, when I'm over in the UK we do things together but not every second of the day. I don't feel guilty for spending time with friends, my mum doesn't make me feel guilty for not spending every spare minute with her.

I don't have friend guilt.
I see my friends a couple of times a year, I invest a lot of time in maintaining these friendships when I'm abroad. If I was still living here I wouldn't see as much of them, we'd be getting on with our lives, taking our proximity to one another for granted and weeks would pass us by. I don't feel guilty for living the life I do and they don't make me feel guilty about the opportunities my husbands job gives me/us, they enjoy listening to our stories of our lives abroad as much as I enjoy listening to their lives and what their children are achieving. I don't tell them they're missing out on life by choosing to do what they do either.

I just remind myself that there are many people who would like the life I have and I'm not to feel guilty about it.

I feel mum guilt/shaming is something that's internal to a lot of people and if you're in an online group where people are making comments to make you feel bad about your circumstances or the way you're choosing to live your life then I suggest you leave those groups.

Support groups are supposed to help not make you feel guilty. Sometimes people don't set out to make you feel guilty. In blogging a lot of people don't celebrate enough of their success or their hard work, as they feel people will judge them for showing off, but I think we should celebrate our successes more and just ignore the people who try to make us feel guilty for doing so.

Do you have mum guilt or do you feel it's more fear of missing out FOMO?
I know I tend to suffer with FOMO, as I travel between our two separate lives, we miss important events, we miss day to day stuff. Our lives are in the UK with family and friends and the one we have in Dubai.

Assisting a School leaver into work

Our teenage son, child 5, is privileged and entitled. He has benefited from a private education in a UK boarding school and on leaving school in July has moved into a one bed flat with all his bills being paid for by the bank of mum and dad, his current situation is unemployed. He is lucky, has no understanding of the real world and doesn't have anything to worry about, unlike other people's children who left school this year.

Sounds cushy, doesn't it? And those very words have been said to me on numerous occasions.

The reality is somewhat altogether different.

We live in Dubai, our son was educated in the UK, because at the time we were living in South Africa and there was no support for his dyslexia. There was no British Curriculum available to him until he was 16. Our older son, child 4, found out the hard way that whilst he finished Matric with qualifications to go to University in South Africa, that when his qualifications were converted back in the UK, at the age of 19, he had the equivalent of 5 GCSE's but does not hold English or Maths.

Sending our son back to the UK was not an easy decision. Both emotionally and financially. His teenage years have been spent in a bubble, no parent support, no freedom to get a part time job and no socialising in the evening in town with others, learning valuable lifeskill that his 3 older siblings had.

On leaving school in July 2017 having had applied for apprenticeships, we quickly discovered that the qualification he did at school enabled him to get straight into the world of work, however he had no work experience. All the apprenticeships in his area of interest and knowledge would just be teaching him the same course we'd paid for him to do during his last 2 years in school.

We didn't know this, we were led by the school, the promises they made for his future, but we weren't there to attend the parents evenings, ask the questions, meet the other parents and find out what the reality of all this was going to be.

I spent the summer in the UK, my job as a mum this year was to help him apply for jobs, take him to interviews, help him get a part time job to gain some experience and then get him settled into a place of his own. I was open an open ticket from Dubai and he was my only priority.

Then a week after I collected him from school, my father died and everything stopped.

The teen carried on applying for jobs, I ran him for a few interviews, but I didn't focus on him as I'd promised.

Now I'm back in Dubai, he has a few things lined up, a bit of part time work over the holidays. The only thing we're now paying for are the utility bills, water and electric. We have to pay the council tax, property management fees and insurances regardless of whether he's living there or not. We own the flat, no mortgage, it's our bolt hole when we visit the UK.

But it's in a small town in South Wales, with a population of 10,000 people, there is limited public transport, no train line and it is difficult for him to get anywhere for a 9am interview. He's applied online for all the local jobs, over 150 people applied for one at a coffee shop, he has no retail or work experience.

I'll be back in the UK in February, we'll do another online push together in Mid January to apply for jobs further afield so hopefully any interviews can take place while I'm over so he can attend them easily.

It's not just simply a case of finish school and walk into a job. An 18 year old still needs guidance and support to make the transition into the real world. Normally they get to do this from the safety net of home over a period of time. His brothers left home aged 18 and went into an apprenticeship and 2 joined the army, they do so from the family home, with guidance and support, with someone there to encourage them, help them fill forms and attend interviews. For us, it's very different this time round and will take a bit longer.

So I'd thank you to keep your comments in the opening paragraph to yourself, they're not helpful or even kind. We're doing what we're doing because he's our son and we have the ability to support him in this way. As a parent I'd rather have had him attend school locally, I'd rather be in the UK with him. But I'm not.

*update. Since I wrote this post over Christmas the teen has landed himself a job in the area of work he's interested in, it's a firm offer but he's waiting for security checks to come through before he gets a start date then we'll have to help him find somewhere to live.

Can money buy an education?

Money can't buy an education.....it can pay for a child to be educated, but it can't be used to buy higher grades.

Our youngest child has finished school aged 18 with 5 GCSE's and several qualifications in computer related subjects equivalent to A levels, but he won't be going to University. He is now living back at home while he applies for apprenticeships.

For the past 4 years child 5 has been in boarding school in the UK. He returned for the start of year 10 in 2013. We were living in South Africa. Government education wasn't an option, so we were paying for private education over there. Learning support wasn't an option and working in education and in special needs I'd identified at an early age that the youngest child had additional learning needs around the age of 5 and by the age of 7 we had opted to move him into a fee paying school, The Downs Malvern College, where class sizes were 18 and we could pay for additional learning support that just wasn't available in governement schools.

It was evident he was dyslexic and as statements aren't supported in private school, we didn't seek one from the Educational Psychologists, until he started secondary schooling in South Africa in January 2012, where he was diagnosed as dyslexic, dyspraphic and having dyscalculus. He needed support with his reading, writing and mathematatics.

Towards the end of his GCSE's we relocated to Dubai, we took advice locally and in the UK and it was decided he would remain in the UK to finish his education so as not to disrupt his learning. The fees for boarding at Bredon school were £30,000 a year plus additional costs for learning support. The fees covered lessons, food and board, but did not cover trips out on weekends or during school time.

For the first 2 years, he shared a room with 3 other boarders, some weekly, some full and occasional mid week boarders. For the last 2 years, he had his own room, sharing a bathroom with 3 others and access to a kitchen and a shared lounge.

Now I may be a little naive, but I expected far more in all areas that what we actually received for our money. I relied fully on the school to keep me informed of his progress, I relied fully on those who collected him and dropped him off for exeat weekends or to bring him to and from the airport for the long school holidays when he came home and I had thought that by the time he left school last week, that there would be things in place for his future, but I got it all very wrong.

It would seem that everyone you collected him and dropped him off thought I knew about the state of his room.

The peeling paint, the broken furniture.

If I lived near by and visited more often I'd know about this, but then if I lived near by, he wouldn't be boarding and we wouldn't have the problem.

On Thursday I collected my son from school with 2 suitcases and 3 cardboard boxes of his belongings and a handful of certificates and nothing else.

I have a list of websites in an email where I can support my son to apply for an apprenticeship, I have no idea what we are doing, what the timescales are and we have no support to move onto the next stage.

Children 2 & 3 went onto college from school in the UK, one studying Public Services, the other catering. The course included instruction, support and contacts into the world beyond and as parents we were informed of the next steps, how to support our child with applications for apprenticeships. Employers came into college to recruit students and after finishing their courses, they had the summer off and left home moving into the world of work.

Child 4 completed his education in South Africa, his school friends were supported into further education and with applying for University places. Our son wasn't following that route, as he was returning to the UK to join the army, but there was support and guidance there had if have chosen that route.

I was mislead with the youngest's schooling. His aim was to get an apprenticeship with CISCO having studied a course with them in IT and Networking which was industry specific. Of the 600 students they offer 6-20 places every year and if he wasn't successful then the other large companies would snap him up. So based on that knowledge and the schools previous experience with other students, I fully trusted them with what they told me, why wouldn't I?

But it's not that simple, it's up to us now to register on websites, make selections from drop down boxes, narrow down areas where my son would like to live (he has no UK base) re write his CV, because the one he's left school with is not up to date and do this on our own.

Many people assume children who attend Boarding School are privileged and entitled and have the world handed to them on a plate. We, as parents, haven't built up a network of useful contacts, we're not former boarding school parents, our son has friends, but he's not friend's with the parents and as most of the parents are like us, employed and with a mortgage, they have their own children to support.

We can't employ our children in the family business, there is no family business, we've helped the kids out with their first deposit to rent a place, or the odd bill, lent them money to tie them over and paid for their flights to come and visit us while we live abroad. But we're not in a position to pay for any of their lives, such as renting accommodation and we see cars and mobile phone contracts, holidays and perfectly decorated homes as something to be earned and prioritised, not a right of passage, they are a luxury, not a necessity.

So returning to my question 'Can money buy an education?' The answer in my experience is 'No' Whether we did the right thing for our son or not, doesn't matter now, he enjoyed boarding school, didn't resent us for sending him away, didn't feel abandoned, he was struggling with his education in South Africa, not wanting to attend school, feeling thick and stupid compared to his peers, so for him emotionally, we made the right decision, for his education?????????

What is the right age to leave home?

I left home at 17 and moved into a flat share with a friend, attending college and working part time in the local supermarket in the town where I grew up. Aged 18, I ventured further a field and took a job in care with accommodation.

My husband left home at18 to go to university, his parents moved to the other end of the country at the same time.

We prepared our children to leave home at 18 also. From the age of 16 we started discussing with them the what next? The two oldest boys were able to leave school aged 16 but they were told this was not an option and they knew they had to go into further education. Child 2 chose public service and joined the army just after his 18th birthday and ended up based in Germany, he left the army after 4 years and now lives back where he grew up, with his girlfriend and works locally.

Child 3 chose catering and went into the hotel trade, leaving home aged 18, moving to Reading, with accommodation, then a short spell in Cheltenham before settling in Leeds. Now aged 25 him and his girlfriend are moving out to Australia the end of the month.

Child 4 wanted to join the army from the age of 5, he completed his education in South Africa, leaving home at almost 20 now living in Northern Ireland.

Child 5 completes his education in the UK this week aged 18, he is moving 'home' temporarily with me into a one bed flat in South Wales. The plan is to find him an apprenticeship and accommodation, settle him in and I can return to Dubai.

But I'm not sure it's going to be as easy as this.

The older 3 boys had accommodation with their jobs as did I with mine and hubby had with uni. 

Many of our friends children  and our children's friends are still living at home, well into their mid 20s and in some cases are living there with their partners and even children. Most are working, but quite a few aren't and nearly all are showing no sign of moving out, wanting to move out or their parents wanting them to move out.

The teen doesn't have the option of living at home and getting a job near by and whilst I know family read this and may be upset by this next bit, they're not in a position to support him, they haven't done so to date so we can't assume they will now. He needs a room, a lift to work, a reminder to get up in the morning, lectured of eating well, gentle nagging to do some household chores, support to set up bank accounts, general parenting and guidance into adulthood. He's been in a bubble the past 4 years in boarding school, it's going to be a lot harder for him than it was for the other 3.

As his mum I need to be around, he needs to know I'm around, that I'm there so he can pop home on weekends, I can pop up in the week, help him out with his washing, just say hi and be there to offer guidance and support.

I don't think my husband has fully thought this out, I know I haven't. It's not just a case of finding him somewhere to live, paying a deposit, first months rent, some basic furniture and hoping on a plane and going back to Dubai.

I feel I need to stay in the UK on a regular basis for the first year and pop back to Dubai for visits rather than the other way round. The teen won't be living with me in the UK, it's only a one bed flat and not in an area where there are many opportunities for an apprenticeship, but I'd be in the UK, I'd be near by and I'd feel like I was able to parent when I was required instead of having to find someone else who could spare the time to drive over to find out what he needed, rather than instinctively knowing how to help and what to do.

How old were you when you left home?

Did you have parental support?

At what age did your child leave home? 

Parenting from abroad.

Our youngest child is in boarding school in the UK, having returned there from South Africa in 2013 ready to start his GCSE's. On July 6th 2017, his school days will be over and we can pat ourselves on the backs for successfully raising 5 children into adulthood, who currently still all talk to us, so we've done something right.

Our children have not gone to University, but they have gone into careers with further training. Our eldest child is disabled and in a care home in the UK. 2 of the boys joined the British Army and 1 went into hospitality. The 3 boys all had accommodation with their employment, 2 have now moved on, changed jobs and have their own homes, living with their girlfriends. 1 is still in the army, but the youngest is an altogether different challenge for us now.

The 2 older boys left home, from our home, the family home in the UK. We were at hand to help them move, prepare them for their move, move them in and have them visit on weekends, or us to them. The 1 who is still in the army, left home from South Africa and moved 6000 miles away to make his application, living with family while he waited for his starting date. He however asked all his questions from me, but he knew what he wanted to do, where he wanted to go and then he was off. We attended his passing out parade in Catterick and he moved on his own to Northern Ireland, where he has made a new life for himself, mates, a car and a girlfriend.

I stopped parenting on a daily basis in 2014 when the last child left home and then we moved from South Africa to Dubai. I went through empty nest syndrome, but I guess a move from one country to another softened the blow a little.

The youngest is proving to be a bit more difficult in regards to his future. He is applying for apprenticeships, we have no idea where in the UK he will end up living and working and we need to be there to help/sort him out over the coming months.

So on July 6th 2017 I will become a full time mum again to an 18 year old, an adult. We have a base in South Wales which I'll be moving into in mid June. I'll be staying in the UK until his apprenticeship starts, paying his deposit for somewhere to live and purchasing the basic items he will need.

I'm hoping we can get him a room in a house, with his own tenancy agreement, bills included, so he can start life with everything he needs, no additional bills to pay and his own space where he can feel relaxed, safe and comfortable as he transitions from the safety and security of boarding school, where he has had a slightly more sheltered life than his 3 older brothers.

I will find returning to Dubai difficult, as I won't be there for him to pop home to see on weekends, bringing washing or just wanting a home cooked meal.

I was able to be there and do just that for the 2 oldest boys, but not the youngest 2 and being so far away, makes it difficult for me to manage.

Not managing my children's lives, but managing my emotions as I go through yet another transitional stage in my life.

My Sunday Photo Week 121 B is for Boarding School

I've tried several times to write how I feel about taking my son back to boarding school this afternoon for his last ever term and my last term as a school mum, but I'm struggling to put how I feel in words, so I'll just leave you with this photo of his school instead.

John's Giraffe

 Meet Raffy I never met John, but he was my son's friend, who sadly lost his battle in life with cancer last year, aged 18. 

Raffy was donated to the school where John was head boy in his memory. 

I had to look twice to work out what I was seeing as nothing surprises me anymore. 

 

Is our youngest child ready to leave school?

I doubt there are many parents who are fully prepared for their youngest child to finish school and leave home. For us, our youngest child has already left home, so unlike with the other children I have very little idea if he's actually ready to leave school and go into the big wide world of work.

Our youngest child leaves school this year. He will be 18 years and 2 months old.

Our youngest child of 5 left home in South Africa in August 2013, aged 14 years and 4 months to return to the UK to complete his education, the last child (4 of 5) left home in January 2014 1 week before his 19th birthday, having completed his schooling the previous month.

Apart from the school holiday we haven't parented for 2 years and have since moved to Dubai. We also haven't taken much of a role in the youngest's school life, apart from occasional emails and very few visits, he hasn't needed it, he's been on track for his apprenticeship with CISCO, he has an active social life both in school on on exeat weekends with friends and I've visited the UK during the shorter holidays and him to Dubai over the summer and Christmas.

This last few months of his schooling will be busy for both him and I, and I will be making regular visits to the school as we discuss the 'what next?' in regards to where his apprenticeship will take place and the logistics around the when and the how and most definitely the costs involved in regards to housing.

Our eldest child is in a care home, children 2 & 4 joined the army and child 3 had accommodation offered with his first job on leaving home, although in later years we helped out with deposits and landlord issues as he changed careers and moved around the UK.

We've not had a conventional school life with our children, involving 4 different, but simultaneous primary schools and 6 different secondary schools both in the UK and South Africa.

Although technically I haven't been involved with school life for a very long time, I think I will miss it. Having sent the older children off to school on their first day in both primary and secondary, by the time the youngest 2 went to school I had few questions or few worries. By the time the youngest 2 left home, I'd gone through all the worries and fears with their older siblings and it was easier to let them go, but also harder as this time they were moving 6000 miles away.

As adults, we see the children 2-3 times a year, either with their visits to us in Dubai, now with girlfriends and mates or us to the UK.

But having a child in school for the past 21 years has given me stability, reassurance and a sense of time, a way to mark the year, arrange birthdays, holidays and finances. Without school I'm not sure now how I will mark the years from now on, as their birthdays will be spent at work, with friends, Christmas will be spent with their own families as the years go by.

I'm just not sure that I'm ready for our last child to leave school, just yet. Peter is of course very relieved as it means an end to private school fees and his dream of an Aston Martin could become a reality.

Becoming adults

A couple of years a go I wrote about our adult children that stayed in the UK when we moved to South Africa with the 2 youngest children.

Not a lot has changed in their lives to be honest, well nothing major or life changing anyway, they're still happy, there have been trips here, we visit there.

Now our youngest 2 children have left home. Child 4 of 5 was with us until he was almost 20, he is now 21 and has been in the army based near Belfast for just over the past year. Peter hasn't seen him since September 2015, I saw him briefly in July when he drove over from Northern Ireland to London  for a few days. We'll next see him this Christmas when he is reunited with #BobTheDog after his last visit here in June 2015.

So far he's travelled to The Falklands and next year sees him visit Kenya, USA and Belize. He then has his first over seas posting, the middle of next year. Something as parents we are not pleased about, especially when he said where he was going.

The youngest is till in school, he will be 18 in April 2017. He's in the middle of writing his application for his CISCO apprenticeship, which is is well on track for.

He visits us 3 times a year, we visit the UK once a year, we talk randomly on Facebook, I send post cards and am constantly topping up his school account.

His friend died last month, he informed us he was to be a pall bearer at the funeral, we were understandably upset for him and his friends and for the fact that we couldn't be there to support him. We were also upset that his boarding school didn't feel the need to tell us this information. We knew his friend had died, we knew when the funeral was to be held, but we didn't know our son's role in it, in fact we realised we knew very little about our son's life in school from anyone else other than him.

We found out this week, our son has joined a cycling club. Those of you who know him will be in shock to hear this, our son does NOT do sport, not even watching it on the telly. Our son is a prefect. Our son works as a TA a few hours a week supporting younger students on the CISCO project.

We've seen our youngest develop and mature over the past year, he is a pleasure to spend time with, Peter and him will talk for hours about 'nothing' leaving me feeling excluded from time to time. They want to go places together, share a netflix account, talk gadgets, technology and generally take the mick out of mum, in a harmless way. We go shopping together for clothes for school, suit measurements, shoe shopping, he is reasonable with what he wants and has a budget in mind which we agree to before we go out to shop. We have coffee and cake together at the local starbucks. he is fun to with. They all are.

Our youngest son though has a second family, his school, his friends, other adults who guide him into adulthood. He spends his exeat weekends with a friend and his parents, he has other aspects of his life that we are not privy to, we don't even know these people, let alone never met them.

I received an email from the head master at his school on Monday night after the funeral. My son and I chatted on Facebook after the event, he couldn't face a phone call, he was too emotional.

This sums my son up and I am very proud of him, proud of his next steps and adventures. We're proud of them all.

'I was so proud of Alex today, he carried John's coffin in and out of the Abbey today. He walked tall and you would have been so proud of him. The piper played, a fitting service for such a lovely kind gentle student. John will be missed by all, a service of celebration of his life.

Well done Alex.'

We've missed out quite a lot as our children have turned into adults, gained their independence, although we don't think we could have given them a better start in life, we know we aren't ready to stop parenting them yet. They don't need discipline, organising, lifts to be given, they need to know we are there to provide them with guidance as they move into the next stage in their lives, that we are there to help them out when times get difficult, with what we can, whether it's helping write a CV, giving them advice when asked for on relationships, career paths, finances.

I don't know if we're getting it right or not, I worry about the difficult times they may face, they are not close in location to one another or to us, but they do have other family members who can step in, pick them up from train stations, airports, help them physically move.

I worry that we may interfere, that our guidance may be unwanted, I worry that they may accuse us in the future of being selfish by living abroad, that we were never there for them, that we missed events that were important to them, that they needed or wanted us there for.

But I guess I'd probably be worrying about all the above if we lived round the corner, that we were interfering regardless.

I suppose I will never know if we got it right or not until the day comes when they tell us.

All I know right now is we have a healthy and happy relationship with them all as adults, just as it is. We're 'friends' on all social media channels, they reply to messages, they remember our birthdays, they randomly contact us for no particular reason other than to say hi, they come to ask for help, advice and guidance, each in their own way and time scale. they choose to spend their own money on coming to visit us for their holidays, whether it's been to South Africa, Dubai or when we're in the UK.

But more importantly they pick up the slack when we're not around to help one another, whether it's because we can't be there or whether it's because we've asked them to.

We are very proud of our children, their achievements and their successes and I'm sure as the years go by, there will be issues raised, but we'll just have to deal with them when they come along.

For now and the immediate future, we'll carry on enjoying our distant relationship with our children and hope it stays the same when we do move back to the UK and be more actively involved in each others lives.

My Sunday Photo - Week 66 The #teen and his photography

The teen has been in Boarding School in the UK since 2013, he loves it there, he was a border in Prep School between 2006 & 2010, however we were only 4 miles away then, the other side of the Malvern Hills, now we are some 3000 miles away in Dubai.

The teen has become a little self sufficient, mind you so did his older 4 siblings, it's what happens when you grow into adulthood without your parents around.

The teen has a passion for his course at school, he's studying with CISCO and is on track for an apprenticeship with them in 2017, he also loves his photography and sporting all the latest gear, armed with his new camera and array of lenses, he has arrived in Dubai for 2 weeks with only one aim and that's to take pictures, so he's keen to go out everyday.

I'm a mum again for 2 weeks

The teen is back home.

He arrived at midnight last night.

All ready his room has gone from looking like this

to this.

And then to this as he decided to change bedrooms, note the first of many take aways.

His cat was ready and waiting.

The bandwidth has been reduced to almost zero as he connected his Xbox directly to the internet box and did a load of updates.

The odds socks from the last visit have been reunited.

I made jelly and cooked a Cottage Pie, his favourite for tea.

The fridge was stocked.

Now it's almost empty. Yes we finished off the other wine box already.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'd have him back at home full time, if it meant not disrupting his A Levels, I miss the mess, the rows, the disruption, the empty fridge and not to mention my empty wallet.

Life after kids

My 16 year old son has been home for 2 weeks for his Easter Holidays. You can read here about whether he is at home or on holiday here.

After 22 years of being a mum, it all stopped. I'm still a mum but I parent from several thousand miles away now, slightly closer to the UK after relocating from South Africa to Dubai in December 2014, but nevertheless, it's still a 7 hour flight plus car/train journey away. It's expensive to call the kids mobiles, they don't always have access to wifi so 3 G costs them too much to Skype, there are letters and cards to be sent, but they don't always remember to collect them and they rarely write back. But that doesn't matter, I'm the adult, even though 4 of them are over 20 and the youngest almost 16 is in boarding school and I've handed over day to day parenting to his team, who, in my opinion are doing a damn better job than I could've hoped for or probably done.

I miss my kids, I miss the house being full, I even miss the rows as it gave me a purpose to get through each day, school runs, uniforms, after school activities, dinner to cook, arguments and fights to resolve.

But I'm done with Empty Nest Syndrome I'm reminded only of my freedom from parenthood when one of the kids come to visit and suddenly the fridge, the fuel tank and my purse are emptied.

The biggest thing that helped me change from being a full time parent to it just being me and the cat and the dog all day was relocating. It was tough when we moved to South Africa and although the problems with HR and immigration were stressful in Dubai, this time I wasn't dealing with finding schools, settling children (although the dog and cat were a challenge) also I was able to go out on my own from day one, the streets are safe and the public transport is cheap and runs perfectly.

We created our first child free home so there are no empty rooms to mourn over. Our kids are now visitors here, they've never lived here, therefore from my perspective life on a daily basis without them is very different from when I found odd socks after they left and their rooms were in danger of becoming shrines as I cleaned and tided them within an inch of my life as a way of distracting myself from having nothing to do once they left home.

However this has caused a different problem and that's making sure that when the teenager comes 'home' he feels at home and not like a visitor, so far I think the balance is right, I just have to remember I didn't entertain him 24 hours a day when he lived at home so I must remember to give him space now and not try to spend every minute with him or he'll not want to come back.

I still haven't found my thing yet, my thing to do now the kids have left home, has relocating complicated things? Has being an expat changed my life forever? Will I ever pick my career up? Do I want to pick up my career again? I don't think I'll be volunteering here, although the autistic school appears to be drawing itself towards me.

So far, Life without kids has been just as unpredictable as life with them, I still need to be at home for visitors, be they young, old, family or friends. I have some amazing travel coming up over the rest of this year. 2 trips to the UK, 1 to South Africa and 1 to Canada. I've joined in with photography projects on social media, take part in 5 weekly links which seem to be keeping me busy. I've been sewing, exploring, shopping, having coffee and things are rather fun right now, so instead of thinking too much about what I'm going to do, I'm just going to carry on doing what I'm doing. I'm sure things will change soon enough anyway. Who knows? Grandkids, a job offer, another relocation?

Our expat child. Is he home or on holiday?

The teenage boy is here in Dubai this week for the Easter holidays. He turns 16 next week and on his return to the UK he has his GCSE's lined up ahead of him.

He left South Africa in August 2013 to finish his education in a UK boarding school and comes back for the major holidays. His last trip home was to move with us from South Africa to Dubai in December, but our house wasn't ready, our visa's delayed and furniture in storage so we stayed in a hotel and his older brother joined us.

This is the teens first visit to our new home. He has a bedroom, we've made the bed with his bedding and brought out of storage his personal items, toys, photo's, beach clothing and ornaments. He had seen the house before the repairs had been done and cleaned, but he says it feels like a home, just not his home anymore.

This makes me sad, but I also understand his reasoning. School is where he has his own room, he is fed, his clothes are washed and ironed, his friends are there. His routines, the boarding staff know his preferences as he has grown and matured, they are the ones who parent him these days.

I want his visits home to be enjoyable, I want him to feel like this is his home, I don't want to nag him, but I want to parent him, I want to do some fun things with him, catch up on the missing months. He knows this and prefers to go down the route of parting me with my money and getting the balance right is important.

He needed new clothes, shoes and a suit for his prom, he wangled a new camera bag out of me and endless visits to cafes and restaurants. We've done a few touristy things, a ferry trip, the beach, the Burj Khalifa. We've also played monopoly, trivial pursuits, planted the garden, walked the dog, watched movies.

We have a week left. As a teenager he doesn't want to be out with mum all the time, the activities such as Wild Wadi, SkyDive Dubai all cost a small fortune and he has no one to experience these activities with, no friends here.

We pay school fees, pocket money, flights back to visit us, we aren't on holiday and neither is he really. He's asked if he can have a few days at 'home' just to chill out and relax, which is what he elder brothers did at his age when they lived at home and we were in the UK.

This is his home, it's where his parents are, where we live, work, play. But it's not his home in the conventional way and even if we moved back to the UK, he'd remain in boarding school so not to interrupt a settled routine that is working for him, but at least when he came home he'd have a permanent room and regular stays.

But when he returns to the UK, his things will be packed up, the bedding changed and the room ready for the next visitor.

How often to you speak with your kids?

My kids all live in the UK. The eldest is disabled and doesn't speak, nor does she pay much attention to a computer screen or even recognise us.
The next one doesn't really 'do' internet and despite having an email address, a Facebook account and a mobile phone, he never uses them, so sending messages or ringing him, it could be months before he picks them up.
The middle child does respond to text and Facebook messages, but rarely makes contact with us outside of Christmas, Birthdays and Mother/Father's day.
The 2nd youngest is on twitter, Facebook, instagram and we chat daily, comment on each others pictures and updates and Skype often.
The youngest is in boarding school, Facebook etc is filtered through the school's wifi and 3G is almost none exsistant as the walls of the school are very thick and the location is remote, although I can see he's seen the whats app pictures and comments I send him, although he rarely replies. I do phone him on his mobile once a week but he only replies if he happens to be somewhere where there is reception and the call is usually cut off.

I send postcards but the boys always say 'don't bother Mum' or 'I'd rather you didn't as it gets read by everyone first'. I send letters with small gifts or money, but I rarely hear if they've received it.

I did get a post card from the middle child a few weeks ago, but only because he girl friend made him.

The thing is, it doesn't bother or upset me, the kids don't mind either, or so they say. I visit the UK twice a year, they come here once or twice a year and they have family in the UK, cousins, aunts, uncles etc that they spend most of their time with and the 2 eldest boys are in serious relationships so MUM is way down the pecking order anyway.

Dealing with empty nest syndrome

Well I thought my heart would break when my 14 year old left home to return to boarding school in the UK last August after having him at home for 3 years and again in January this year when my 19 year old left home to join the British Marines. My recovery from my eldest leaving home in 2010 was quick as we moved to South Africa within 3 months.

It's March now and I'll admit I'm enjoying being a SAH, it's meant I'm adapting to another identity change in my life as back in 2010 I had the kids at home, was a part time student with a full time career, then within 3 months I was a SAHM to 2 kids, with no studies, no career, no friends, you see I became an expat.

So when faced with my 'golden years' ahead of me, no responsibilities, my ability to choose to work, should we choose to move to Dubai next year, my ability to finish off some studies in preparation for the move, I just crumbled, I was lost, I cried, what about MY life? what was I to do? Changes all the time and I wasn't coping.

But the last few weeks I've been so busy, I've hardly noticed the kids aren't here and when I stopped and thought about it, I felt guilty for NOT missing them. But I now realise it's ok to feel this way.

I've been able to focus 100% on my volunteering and almost burnt out. I've been able to have numerous projects on the go without having to tidy stuff away before the kids get home from school. I do still get a bit lonely in the day and often call my son to help me with something then realise he's not here. I get to eat what I want, when I want, including ice cream for breakfast. I enjoy the fact there is still ice cream in the freezer, I watch what I want, when I want on the TV and meal times with hubby have become a pleasure, we cook what we want and often eat late at night, on the sofa in front of the TV. (the dining room table is full of photographs, I'm half attempting to sort.

I used to dream of 'ME time' and then always felt I'd wasted it, there was ironing or cleaning I could've done, now if I want to spend the day in my pjs feeling sorry for myself watching crap TV, I just embrace it.

Now I've experienced the kids leaving home I can tell you it's not actually that bad. Just like all changes in your life it takes a bit of time to adapt to, it's not something I looked forward to, but now I've finished with the crying I'm embracing my freedom and now found opportunities.

How do you cope as an expat when your child is not with you?

I will confess the first few days were tough, the kind of roll up in a ball and cry tough.
Now I'm celebrating my freedom for a few days, but guilt is creeping in slowly. He's our 4th child to leave home, it doesn't get easier especially as he's only 14.

We sat down and made a list of all the things we wouldn't miss about our 14yo son. You can read them here.

Then there was the acknowledgement that as an expat life is one big constant change.

The selfish part of things, the 'how am I going to cope?'

The packing finally gets started with a major sort out of the bedroom.

Then there is the last ever school run after 17 years.

The last outing together.

The goodbyes at the airport.

The 18yo is back in just under 2 weeks, so Operation 'call for the men in Chem suits' has started.

I've got around a week to clean, re decorate and re arrange the rooms before I fly back to the UK. Two reasons for my return are:
1. the tenants are finally out and I'll start blogging about the state of the house, damages, thefts and costs soon.
2. we can afford the flight for me to be the one to settle son into his new school, so I'll see him again real soon anyway, just can't seem to find a flight.

He returns to us for Christmas for 2 weeks and again for the major UK summer holiday. I'm hopeful I can afford to spend Easter with him in the UK also, but that will depend on finances.

I'm just not sure how I'll manage all the time in-between.

But for now, the house is tidy, the coke is still in the fridge, the chocolate bars sit in the cupboard, the washing and ironing is all up to date. I'll start the painting tomorrow as long as I can persuade the cat and the dog to stop following me around the house, they've very quickly filled the space.

My last Sunday with 14yo before he moves back to the UK

Dog walk and Picnic at Irene Village 

My last ever school run

 

I started my first school run in September 1996. I had of course done the pre school and nurseries prior to that.

That’s 17 years of early starts, juggling work, kids, pack lunches, uniforms, missing PE kits, hours of homework, reading.

It has involved 3 Primary schools, 2 Prep schools, 5 Secondary schools and 1 boarding school and that’s just with 4 boys.

August 2013 marks a new start for me in my life. I no longer have to do the school run as 14yo returns to the UK to return to full time boarding to start his GCSE’s.

Technically there may be a few more school runs but they will be collection and return from/to OR Tambo airport. The 18yo finishes school in November but he drives now so no more involvement from me.

The last day of my school run career ended with me dropping off all the uniform, returning all the school books, saying goodbye to the admin staff that I’ve made friends with over the past near 3 years. One last discussion on the English Premier league with Wendy in the school shop and her love of Liverpool FC.

After a breakfast out, a few tears and the food shop, I collected my son at 11am. He immediately changed out of his uniform, we washed it one last time. He isn’t sad to leave the school, I’m not sad he’s left the school.

But I do wonder for how long I’ll enjoy the lie ins in the mornings before I get bored and hanker back to the routine of the past 17 years.

Operation expat child, return to the UK

Yesterday we started the slow process of packing for 14yo to leave South Africa and return to boarding school in the UK.

When we moved to South Africa in January 2011, we had a major sort out, we threw away all the crap, donated anything we couldn’t sell, handed toys over to play groups, family and friends.

When we moved within South Africa in June 2012 we did exactly the same. I can’t believe how much crap we had accumulated.

Yesterday, I emptied my son’s bedroom and started the whole process again. I found tools, a kitchen knife, long lost memory sticks and the missing odd sock pile. I dumped everything in the spare room and only returned to his room what he is either taking with him or wants to keep here for when he visits.

There was one small box of ‘keep sake’ stuff we put in the attic.

 

2 black bags of clothes and shoes he’s out grown for charity and toys.

 

A boxes of paper, old school books etc for recycling.

 

 

Box of educational supplies for donating to charity also.

 

I went to the airport on Thursday to collect hubby from his business trip to Cape Town and made enquiries as to how we can transport his music technology equipment over to the UK, inc 2 huge speakers, smoke machine and missing desks. It will all fit (apart from the speakers) in a suitcase, but even with cling wrapping the case, I fear it will all go missing if it goes through the usual channels. OR Tambo airport is notorious for stuff being stolen.

 

He’ll leave a lot of his summer clothes here as he’s back for Christmas and probably won’t need them in the UK till next year. He has a laundry basket full of Panda teddy bears that he doesn’t play with anymore but can’t bear to part with and there’s all the Lego and K’nex that goes back to when I was a child, that has been added to over the years to stay behind.

 

We are all sorted now. I didn’t want to do it, he didn’t want to do it, but then what 14yo wants to tidy their bedroom?

How am I going to deal with the issue that my 14yo son leaves home next week?

I’m not allowed to blog about my 14yo anymore, I’m also not allowed to post photos on face book, without his approval, OK I abide by his rules, it’s his life, not mine to share, I hate it when others do it to me, so fair is fair. But what I can talk about is how what my 14yo does affects me.

He is returning to boarding school in the UK to follow the GCSE and A level system. He was a boarder prior to us relocating to South Africa in Jan 2011. We’ve had a fab time here with him. We always wanted to give our children the experience of living in a different country, culture and way of life. Unfortunately by the time the opportunity arose 3 of our kids had already left home, but they’ve had the opportunity to visit for extended periods of time.

Now the balance shifts, there will only be the 3 of us here in South Africa now with every other single family member 6000 miles away………My dad isn’t in the best of health, the youngest will be living near his dad, aunts, uncles and cousins and 2 of his siblings, his other brother lives in Leeds, but currently he only sees them once a year, although his aunty (my ex SIL) and niece have been out to visit as have the grandparents and hubbies sister.

So he will be OK, he has his family on his doorstep, exeat weekends and half terms and visits in between. There are students at his boarding school he went to prep school with, some familiar faces with the staff and an environment he thrived in, misses and is looking forward to returning to.

But what about me? I’m his mum and although as with all kids, they usually manage far better than we realise, I’m worried about how I’ll manage. I’ve been a mum for 21 years; yes I still have my 18yo here. I’m sure he’ll fill the gap. There has been very little difference to my life as a mum when I went from 5 kids to 2 kids, but they left home for different reasons.

The 25yo is profoundly disabled and went into residential care aged 12, that was hard, but for different reasons. We visit her when we return to the UK, but she has no understanding of us not being there and takes at least 2 visits before she settles back into a familiar routine and gets quite upset if we take her away from her home for too long. The 23yo left at 18 to join the army and was stationed in Germany when we moved here. The 21yo also left home aged 18 to start a management training course in hospitality and has since moved from Reading to Cheltenham to Leeds. The 18yo is preparing himself to join the Marines and could be leaving home with the next 6 months, but the 14yo? I’m supposed to have at least another 4 years to prepare myself for him leaving home.

I’ll be able now to focus on my volunteer work, raising funds and awareness for people with disabilities in South Africa, finish the book I started writing, run social media accounts for charities, advise on child welfare issues, develop short course life skills programmes, walk my dog, swim daily, finish my degree in Criminology, finally get round to scanning all my photos prior to 2003, improve my sewing skills and branch into making my own clothes as well as making and selling my hand bags.

Lots to do to keep me busy, but I don’t think it will replace the gap in my heart for my son leaving and my family being so far away, but it’ll help and I’ll look forward to December 19^th when my son returns for Christmas.