Assisting a School leaver into work

Our teenage son, child 5, is privileged and entitled. He has benefited from a private education in a UK boarding school and on leaving school in July has moved into a one bed flat with all his bills being paid for by the bank of mum and dad, his current situation is unemployed. He is lucky, has no understanding of the real world and doesn't have anything to worry about, unlike other people's children who left school this year.

Sounds cushy, doesn't it? And those very words have been said to me on numerous occasions.

The reality is somewhat altogether different.

We live in Dubai, our son was educated in the UK, because at the time we were living in South Africa and there was no support for his dyslexia. There was no British Curriculum available to him until he was 16. Our older son, child 4, found out the hard way that whilst he finished Matric with qualifications to go to University in South Africa, that when his qualifications were converted back in the UK, at the age of 19, he had the equivalent of 5 GCSE's but does not hold English or Maths.

Sending our son back to the UK was not an easy decision. Both emotionally and financially. His teenage years have been spent in a bubble, no parent support, no freedom to get a part time job and no socialising in the evening in town with others, learning valuable lifeskill that his 3 older siblings had.

On leaving school in July 2017 having had applied for apprenticeships, we quickly discovered that the qualification he did at school enabled him to get straight into the world of work, however he had no work experience. All the apprenticeships in his area of interest and knowledge would just be teaching him the same course we'd paid for him to do during his last 2 years in school.

We didn't know this, we were led by the school, the promises they made for his future, but we weren't there to attend the parents evenings, ask the questions, meet the other parents and find out what the reality of all this was going to be.

I spent the summer in the UK, my job as a mum this year was to help him apply for jobs, take him to interviews, help him get a part time job to gain some experience and then get him settled into a place of his own. I was open an open ticket from Dubai and he was my only priority.

Then a week after I collected him from school, my father died and everything stopped.

The teen carried on applying for jobs, I ran him for a few interviews, but I didn't focus on him as I'd promised.

Now I'm back in Dubai, he has a few things lined up, a bit of part time work over the holidays. The only thing we're now paying for are the utility bills, water and electric. We have to pay the council tax, property management fees and insurances regardless of whether he's living there or not. We own the flat, no mortgage, it's our bolt hole when we visit the UK.

But it's in a small town in South Wales, with a population of 10,000 people, there is limited public transport, no train line and it is difficult for him to get anywhere for a 9am interview. He's applied online for all the local jobs, over 150 people applied for one at a coffee shop, he has no retail or work experience.

I'll be back in the UK in February, we'll do another online push together in Mid January to apply for jobs further afield so hopefully any interviews can take place while I'm over so he can attend them easily.

It's not just simply a case of finish school and walk into a job. An 18 year old still needs guidance and support to make the transition into the real world. Normally they get to do this from the safety net of home over a period of time. His brothers left home aged 18 and went into an apprenticeship and 2 joined the army, they do so from the family home, with guidance and support, with someone there to encourage them, help them fill forms and attend interviews. For us, it's very different this time round and will take a bit longer.

So I'd thank you to keep your comments in the opening paragraph to yourself, they're not helpful or even kind. We're doing what we're doing because he's our son and we have the ability to support him in this way. As a parent I'd rather have had him attend school locally, I'd rather be in the UK with him. But I'm not.

*update. Since I wrote this post over Christmas the teen has landed himself a job in the area of work he's interested in, it's a firm offer but he's waiting for security checks to come through before he gets a start date then we'll have to help him find somewhere to live.

My Sunday Photo Week 121 B is for Boarding School

I've tried several times to write how I feel about taking my son back to boarding school this afternoon for his last ever term and my last term as a school mum, but I'm struggling to put how I feel in words, so I'll just leave you with this photo of his school instead.

John's Giraffe

 Meet Raffy I never met John, but he was my son's friend, who sadly lost his battle in life with cancer last year, aged 18. 

Raffy was donated to the school where John was head boy in his memory. 

I had to look twice to work out what I was seeing as nothing surprises me anymore. 

 

My Sunday Photo - Week 66 The #teen and his photography

The teen has been in Boarding School in the UK since 2013, he loves it there, he was a border in Prep School between 2006 & 2010, however we were only 4 miles away then, the other side of the Malvern Hills, now we are some 3000 miles away in Dubai.

The teen has become a little self sufficient, mind you so did his older 4 siblings, it's what happens when you grow into adulthood without your parents around.

The teen has a passion for his course at school, he's studying with CISCO and is on track for an apprenticeship with them in 2017, he also loves his photography and sporting all the latest gear, armed with his new camera and array of lenses, he has arrived in Dubai for 2 weeks with only one aim and that's to take pictures, so he's keen to go out everyday.

I'm a mum again for 2 weeks

The teen is back home.

He arrived at midnight last night.

All ready his room has gone from looking like this

to this.

And then to this as he decided to change bedrooms, note the first of many take aways.

His cat was ready and waiting.

The bandwidth has been reduced to almost zero as he connected his Xbox directly to the internet box and did a load of updates.

The odds socks from the last visit have been reunited.

I made jelly and cooked a Cottage Pie, his favourite for tea.

The fridge was stocked.

Now it's almost empty. Yes we finished off the other wine box already.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'd have him back at home full time, if it meant not disrupting his A Levels, I miss the mess, the rows, the disruption, the empty fridge and not to mention my empty wallet.

Life after kids

My 16 year old son has been home for 2 weeks for his Easter Holidays. You can read here about whether he is at home or on holiday here.

After 22 years of being a mum, it all stopped. I'm still a mum but I parent from several thousand miles away now, slightly closer to the UK after relocating from South Africa to Dubai in December 2014, but nevertheless, it's still a 7 hour flight plus car/train journey away. It's expensive to call the kids mobiles, they don't always have access to wifi so 3 G costs them too much to Skype, there are letters and cards to be sent, but they don't always remember to collect them and they rarely write back. But that doesn't matter, I'm the adult, even though 4 of them are over 20 and the youngest almost 16 is in boarding school and I've handed over day to day parenting to his team, who, in my opinion are doing a damn better job than I could've hoped for or probably done.

I miss my kids, I miss the house being full, I even miss the rows as it gave me a purpose to get through each day, school runs, uniforms, after school activities, dinner to cook, arguments and fights to resolve.

But I'm done with Empty Nest Syndrome I'm reminded only of my freedom from parenthood when one of the kids come to visit and suddenly the fridge, the fuel tank and my purse are emptied.

The biggest thing that helped me change from being a full time parent to it just being me and the cat and the dog all day was relocating. It was tough when we moved to South Africa and although the problems with HR and immigration were stressful in Dubai, this time I wasn't dealing with finding schools, settling children (although the dog and cat were a challenge) also I was able to go out on my own from day one, the streets are safe and the public transport is cheap and runs perfectly.

We created our first child free home so there are no empty rooms to mourn over. Our kids are now visitors here, they've never lived here, therefore from my perspective life on a daily basis without them is very different from when I found odd socks after they left and their rooms were in danger of becoming shrines as I cleaned and tided them within an inch of my life as a way of distracting myself from having nothing to do once they left home.

However this has caused a different problem and that's making sure that when the teenager comes 'home' he feels at home and not like a visitor, so far I think the balance is right, I just have to remember I didn't entertain him 24 hours a day when he lived at home so I must remember to give him space now and not try to spend every minute with him or he'll not want to come back.

I still haven't found my thing yet, my thing to do now the kids have left home, has relocating complicated things? Has being an expat changed my life forever? Will I ever pick my career up? Do I want to pick up my career again? I don't think I'll be volunteering here, although the autistic school appears to be drawing itself towards me.

So far, Life without kids has been just as unpredictable as life with them, I still need to be at home for visitors, be they young, old, family or friends. I have some amazing travel coming up over the rest of this year. 2 trips to the UK, 1 to South Africa and 1 to Canada. I've joined in with photography projects on social media, take part in 5 weekly links which seem to be keeping me busy. I've been sewing, exploring, shopping, having coffee and things are rather fun right now, so instead of thinking too much about what I'm going to do, I'm just going to carry on doing what I'm doing. I'm sure things will change soon enough anyway. Who knows? Grandkids, a job offer, another relocation?

Our expat child. Is he home or on holiday?

The teenage boy is here in Dubai this week for the Easter holidays. He turns 16 next week and on his return to the UK he has his GCSE's lined up ahead of him.

He left South Africa in August 2013 to finish his education in a UK boarding school and comes back for the major holidays. His last trip home was to move with us from South Africa to Dubai in December, but our house wasn't ready, our visa's delayed and furniture in storage so we stayed in a hotel and his older brother joined us.

This is the teens first visit to our new home. He has a bedroom, we've made the bed with his bedding and brought out of storage his personal items, toys, photo's, beach clothing and ornaments. He had seen the house before the repairs had been done and cleaned, but he says it feels like a home, just not his home anymore.

This makes me sad, but I also understand his reasoning. School is where he has his own room, he is fed, his clothes are washed and ironed, his friends are there. His routines, the boarding staff know his preferences as he has grown and matured, they are the ones who parent him these days.

I want his visits home to be enjoyable, I want him to feel like this is his home, I don't want to nag him, but I want to parent him, I want to do some fun things with him, catch up on the missing months. He knows this and prefers to go down the route of parting me with my money and getting the balance right is important.

He needed new clothes, shoes and a suit for his prom, he wangled a new camera bag out of me and endless visits to cafes and restaurants. We've done a few touristy things, a ferry trip, the beach, the Burj Khalifa. We've also played monopoly, trivial pursuits, planted the garden, walked the dog, watched movies.

We have a week left. As a teenager he doesn't want to be out with mum all the time, the activities such as Wild Wadi, SkyDive Dubai all cost a small fortune and he has no one to experience these activities with, no friends here.

We pay school fees, pocket money, flights back to visit us, we aren't on holiday and neither is he really. He's asked if he can have a few days at 'home' just to chill out and relax, which is what he elder brothers did at his age when they lived at home and we were in the UK.

This is his home, it's where his parents are, where we live, work, play. But it's not his home in the conventional way and even if we moved back to the UK, he'd remain in boarding school so not to interrupt a settled routine that is working for him, but at least when he came home he'd have a permanent room and regular stays.

But when he returns to the UK, his things will be packed up, the bedding changed and the room ready for the next visitor.

How often to you speak with your kids?

My kids all live in the UK. The eldest is disabled and doesn't speak, nor does she pay much attention to a computer screen or even recognise us.
The next one doesn't really 'do' internet and despite having an email address, a Facebook account and a mobile phone, he never uses them, so sending messages or ringing him, it could be months before he picks them up.
The middle child does respond to text and Facebook messages, but rarely makes contact with us outside of Christmas, Birthdays and Mother/Father's day.
The 2nd youngest is on twitter, Facebook, instagram and we chat daily, comment on each others pictures and updates and Skype often.
The youngest is in boarding school, Facebook etc is filtered through the school's wifi and 3G is almost none exsistant as the walls of the school are very thick and the location is remote, although I can see he's seen the whats app pictures and comments I send him, although he rarely replies. I do phone him on his mobile once a week but he only replies if he happens to be somewhere where there is reception and the call is usually cut off.

I send postcards but the boys always say 'don't bother Mum' or 'I'd rather you didn't as it gets read by everyone first'. I send letters with small gifts or money, but I rarely hear if they've received it.

I did get a post card from the middle child a few weeks ago, but only because he girl friend made him.

The thing is, it doesn't bother or upset me, the kids don't mind either, or so they say. I visit the UK twice a year, they come here once or twice a year and they have family in the UK, cousins, aunts, uncles etc that they spend most of their time with and the 2 eldest boys are in serious relationships so MUM is way down the pecking order anyway.

Dealing with empty nest syndrome

Well I thought my heart would break when my 14 year old left home to return to boarding school in the UK last August after having him at home for 3 years and again in January this year when my 19 year old left home to join the British Marines. My recovery from my eldest leaving home in 2010 was quick as we moved to South Africa within 3 months.

It's March now and I'll admit I'm enjoying being a SAH, it's meant I'm adapting to another identity change in my life as back in 2010 I had the kids at home, was a part time student with a full time career, then within 3 months I was a SAHM to 2 kids, with no studies, no career, no friends, you see I became an expat.

So when faced with my 'golden years' ahead of me, no responsibilities, my ability to choose to work, should we choose to move to Dubai next year, my ability to finish off some studies in preparation for the move, I just crumbled, I was lost, I cried, what about MY life? what was I to do? Changes all the time and I wasn't coping.

But the last few weeks I've been so busy, I've hardly noticed the kids aren't here and when I stopped and thought about it, I felt guilty for NOT missing them. But I now realise it's ok to feel this way.

I've been able to focus 100% on my volunteering and almost burnt out. I've been able to have numerous projects on the go without having to tidy stuff away before the kids get home from school. I do still get a bit lonely in the day and often call my son to help me with something then realise he's not here. I get to eat what I want, when I want, including ice cream for breakfast. I enjoy the fact there is still ice cream in the freezer, I watch what I want, when I want on the TV and meal times with hubby have become a pleasure, we cook what we want and often eat late at night, on the sofa in front of the TV. (the dining room table is full of photographs, I'm half attempting to sort.

I used to dream of 'ME time' and then always felt I'd wasted it, there was ironing or cleaning I could've done, now if I want to spend the day in my pjs feeling sorry for myself watching crap TV, I just embrace it.

Now I've experienced the kids leaving home I can tell you it's not actually that bad. Just like all changes in your life it takes a bit of time to adapt to, it's not something I looked forward to, but now I've finished with the crying I'm embracing my freedom and now found opportunities.

How do you cope as an expat when your child is not with you?

I will confess the first few days were tough, the kind of roll up in a ball and cry tough.
Now I'm celebrating my freedom for a few days, but guilt is creeping in slowly. He's our 4th child to leave home, it doesn't get easier especially as he's only 14.

We sat down and made a list of all the things we wouldn't miss about our 14yo son. You can read them here.

Then there was the acknowledgement that as an expat life is one big constant change.

The selfish part of things, the 'how am I going to cope?'

The packing finally gets started with a major sort out of the bedroom.

Then there is the last ever school run after 17 years.

The last outing together.

The goodbyes at the airport.

The 18yo is back in just under 2 weeks, so Operation 'call for the men in Chem suits' has started.

I've got around a week to clean, re decorate and re arrange the rooms before I fly back to the UK. Two reasons for my return are:
1. the tenants are finally out and I'll start blogging about the state of the house, damages, thefts and costs soon.
2. we can afford the flight for me to be the one to settle son into his new school, so I'll see him again real soon anyway, just can't seem to find a flight.

He returns to us for Christmas for 2 weeks and again for the major UK summer holiday. I'm hopeful I can afford to spend Easter with him in the UK also, but that will depend on finances.

I'm just not sure how I'll manage all the time in-between.

But for now, the house is tidy, the coke is still in the fridge, the chocolate bars sit in the cupboard, the washing and ironing is all up to date. I'll start the painting tomorrow as long as I can persuade the cat and the dog to stop following me around the house, they've very quickly filled the space.

My last Sunday with 14yo before he moves back to the UK

Dog walk and Picnic at Irene Village 

My last ever school run

 

I started my first school run in September 1996. I had of course done the pre school and nurseries prior to that.

That’s 17 years of early starts, juggling work, kids, pack lunches, uniforms, missing PE kits, hours of homework, reading.

It has involved 3 Primary schools, 2 Prep schools, 5 Secondary schools and 1 boarding school and that’s just with 4 boys.

August 2013 marks a new start for me in my life. I no longer have to do the school run as 14yo returns to the UK to return to full time boarding to start his GCSE’s.

Technically there may be a few more school runs but they will be collection and return from/to OR Tambo airport. The 18yo finishes school in November but he drives now so no more involvement from me.

The last day of my school run career ended with me dropping off all the uniform, returning all the school books, saying goodbye to the admin staff that I’ve made friends with over the past near 3 years. One last discussion on the English Premier league with Wendy in the school shop and her love of Liverpool FC.

After a breakfast out, a few tears and the food shop, I collected my son at 11am. He immediately changed out of his uniform, we washed it one last time. He isn’t sad to leave the school, I’m not sad he’s left the school.

But I do wonder for how long I’ll enjoy the lie ins in the mornings before I get bored and hanker back to the routine of the past 17 years.

Operation expat child, return to the UK

Yesterday we started the slow process of packing for 14yo to leave South Africa and return to boarding school in the UK.

When we moved to South Africa in January 2011, we had a major sort out, we threw away all the crap, donated anything we couldn’t sell, handed toys over to play groups, family and friends.

When we moved within South Africa in June 2012 we did exactly the same. I can’t believe how much crap we had accumulated.

Yesterday, I emptied my son’s bedroom and started the whole process again. I found tools, a kitchen knife, long lost memory sticks and the missing odd sock pile. I dumped everything in the spare room and only returned to his room what he is either taking with him or wants to keep here for when he visits.

There was one small box of ‘keep sake’ stuff we put in the attic.

 

2 black bags of clothes and shoes he’s out grown for charity and toys.

 

A boxes of paper, old school books etc for recycling.

 

 

Box of educational supplies for donating to charity also.

 

I went to the airport on Thursday to collect hubby from his business trip to Cape Town and made enquiries as to how we can transport his music technology equipment over to the UK, inc 2 huge speakers, smoke machine and missing desks. It will all fit (apart from the speakers) in a suitcase, but even with cling wrapping the case, I fear it will all go missing if it goes through the usual channels. OR Tambo airport is notorious for stuff being stolen.

 

He’ll leave a lot of his summer clothes here as he’s back for Christmas and probably won’t need them in the UK till next year. He has a laundry basket full of Panda teddy bears that he doesn’t play with anymore but can’t bear to part with and there’s all the Lego and K’nex that goes back to when I was a child, that has been added to over the years to stay behind.

 

We are all sorted now. I didn’t want to do it, he didn’t want to do it, but then what 14yo wants to tidy their bedroom?

How am I going to deal with the issue that my 14yo son leaves home next week?

I’m not allowed to blog about my 14yo anymore, I’m also not allowed to post photos on face book, without his approval, OK I abide by his rules, it’s his life, not mine to share, I hate it when others do it to me, so fair is fair. But what I can talk about is how what my 14yo does affects me.

He is returning to boarding school in the UK to follow the GCSE and A level system. He was a boarder prior to us relocating to South Africa in Jan 2011. We’ve had a fab time here with him. We always wanted to give our children the experience of living in a different country, culture and way of life. Unfortunately by the time the opportunity arose 3 of our kids had already left home, but they’ve had the opportunity to visit for extended periods of time.

Now the balance shifts, there will only be the 3 of us here in South Africa now with every other single family member 6000 miles away………My dad isn’t in the best of health, the youngest will be living near his dad, aunts, uncles and cousins and 2 of his siblings, his other brother lives in Leeds, but currently he only sees them once a year, although his aunty (my ex SIL) and niece have been out to visit as have the grandparents and hubbies sister.

So he will be OK, he has his family on his doorstep, exeat weekends and half terms and visits in between. There are students at his boarding school he went to prep school with, some familiar faces with the staff and an environment he thrived in, misses and is looking forward to returning to.

But what about me? I’m his mum and although as with all kids, they usually manage far better than we realise, I’m worried about how I’ll manage. I’ve been a mum for 21 years; yes I still have my 18yo here. I’m sure he’ll fill the gap. There has been very little difference to my life as a mum when I went from 5 kids to 2 kids, but they left home for different reasons.

The 25yo is profoundly disabled and went into residential care aged 12, that was hard, but for different reasons. We visit her when we return to the UK, but she has no understanding of us not being there and takes at least 2 visits before she settles back into a familiar routine and gets quite upset if we take her away from her home for too long. The 23yo left at 18 to join the army and was stationed in Germany when we moved here. The 21yo also left home aged 18 to start a management training course in hospitality and has since moved from Reading to Cheltenham to Leeds. The 18yo is preparing himself to join the Marines and could be leaving home with the next 6 months, but the 14yo? I’m supposed to have at least another 4 years to prepare myself for him leaving home.

I’ll be able now to focus on my volunteer work, raising funds and awareness for people with disabilities in South Africa, finish the book I started writing, run social media accounts for charities, advise on child welfare issues, develop short course life skills programmes, walk my dog, swim daily, finish my degree in Criminology, finally get round to scanning all my photos prior to 2003, improve my sewing skills and branch into making my own clothes as well as making and selling my hand bags.

Lots to do to keep me busy, but I don’t think it will replace the gap in my heart for my son leaving and my family being so far away, but it’ll help and I’ll look forward to December 19^th when my son returns for Christmas.

Things we won’t miss when 14 yo returns to the UK for boarding school

 

The mess

 Things going missing

Sweet papers down the side of the sofa

Hysterics if the cat and dog get within a mile of one another

Overriding TV programmes so he can record his

Searching for the remote control

Never being able to find a battery, selotape, scissors, glue, blu tack etc etc

Half empty tool boxes

Looking for door keys

Odd socks under sofas, in the dogs mouth, behind doors, dropped down back of washing machine

Denial that he was involved

School runs

Packed lunches

Shoes and bags dumped in the hall

Cushions and blankets piled up on the floor

Evidence of fires being lit

All the plug adapters and cables in his room