My journey as a parent and how it went.

Do I miss anything about parenting?

NO.

Seriously, I miss nothing about it, let me tell you why.

My time as a parent has come to an end. Obviously there are 5 adult children out there in the world who still have a mum, who may or may not want my advice, my input, to be part of their lives. But my responsibility for them has come to an end. They are responsible for their own actions, their own thoughts and their own feelings.

Just a quick background. Mother of 3, mother to 5. I'm not including the trials and tribulations of merging 2 families together, as all the kids consider themselves to be siblings and Peter and I are the parents as they refer to us. Also our eldest child is profoundly disabled and is in the full time care of Social Services, but we still have an active involvement in her life and decision making on her behalf. There are 10 years between the boys. They were toddlers and teens at the same time, we only ever had 3 teens at anyone time. Now they are 4 adult men.

2002 our one and only holiday as a family of 7, France.

Parenting isn't about stages and development, it's not a tick box for successfully getting through each stage and moving onto the next. All these stages slowly morph from one to the next, they run concurrently.

We spend a lot of time as parents in the first few years encouraging our children to move onto the next stage. We can't wait for our baby to sit up, start weening, crawl, move onto solids, talk, walk, sleep through the night, then start school.

Taking first steps, maybe better footwear would have helped.

Then as they reach every stage we look back and wish they were babies again. I guess this is why people want more than one child.

The ages 5-11 sort of just happen, they develop differently, they discover their interests, have their own personalities and as parents we tend not to give another thought about the next stage until it happens.

There's a newish word for the pre teenage years, tweens. I've never really got this stage, maybe it's because I have 4 boys, I do tend to find it's more something that parents of girls refer to more. With 4 boys I never really stopped to think about hormonal changes. Yes their voices got deeper, they started to shave, they started to inflict their presence on each other as equals and exercised their right to be the alpha male.

During the teenage years we want it to all stop. We realise they're growing up and turning into adults and one day they'll be leaving home. We look back on the earlier years and question if we could've done things differently, ask ourselves why they have to grow up, wish we'd not encouraged them to move at the speed they did, wish they were still little.

Life with a disabled child has been very different, milestones have still yet to be reached, despite her being 31 now. Milestones that will never be reached were acknowledged a long time ago. Different milestones were set, more realistic ones. Hopes and dreams for a profoundly disabled child are different. Getting through a day without wet clothes when your child is in their 30's is something to be celebrated, just as much as potty training the boys was.

So how did my journey as a parent go? Most of it just happened, the memory fades. the children feel like they've always been the age they are now. Yes we can recall individual challenges, achievements and first words, but if I'm honest a lot of it gets merged, it gets attributed to the wrong child.

Me, aged 20 with my first born. 27 years later, I'm grey.

Being pregnant:
I was never the material type, even now I look at other peoples babies and think 'there's nice' but I prefer them when they're a bit older and have a personality. I didn't enjoy and neither did I not like being pregnant, it was just something I went through. I have to consult the boys red books to tell you what day of the week and time they were born. I do remember the date and year though. There are no photo's of me pregnant, ever.

Giving Birth:
No one in their right mind enjoys the physical side of giving birth, but nature has a funny way of protecting us from the memory otherwise we'd never have more than one child.

Breast feeding:
Nope, didn't like it.

Teething:
It was just something we all went through.

Sleepless nights:
At both ends of the spectrum, as babies, then as teenagers, waiting for them to come home at 2am in the morning.

Playgroups:
OMG no, no, no.

Weening:
Fussy with what they'd eat one day, they wouldn't touch the next. However they ate anything and everything as a rule. We had a few food intolerances to deal with but in general they'd eat hummus, veg, fruit, fish. But as teens they lived off pot noodles, pizzas and what I call 'orange' and bland foods. Now as adults they've had the gaul to complain that I didn't cook tasty food.

No baby led weening here.

Yep, letting my baby have chocolate.

Potty training:
Just one big night mare, from poo droppings behind sofas and peeing against the bathroom walls.

A note by child 4 to remind himself to wipe his bum, it's framed and in the bathroom still.

Siblings:
They hated one another, they still don't really get on now. Arguments and physical fights over toys, who they shared a room with and how the others were always favoured over them.

School:
There were tears on the first day of school for the first child only for primary and secondary. It was a relief when the others went. School was a constant battle with being called in for at least one of boys on a monthly basis, fighting, not doing homework etc. Don't get me started on school fees either, we paid enough over the years to have purchased an average 4 bed house in the UK.

After school activities:
No, no, no. I hated the amount of time I spent driving, the organisation and timing of activities. Standing for hours on end in the middle of a field while they played football usually in the rain. The cost of gym, music lessons, horse riding etc, all the activities they insisted they take part in then wanted to drop just after I'd paid a terms fees.

Teenage years:
See siblings. They just happened, we didn't survive them, we just got through them, of course we did we can't stop the ageing process.

Leaving home:
This was tough, but inevitable. For us though it was a bit different than it is for most parents. Our eldest left home aged 12 to go into care, the next, aged 18, joined the army, within a year he was posted in Germany. The next one, also aged 18, left home and 3 months later we moved 6000 miles away to South Africa. Our youngest left home next, aged 13, to return to the UK for boarding school and the last one left home aged 20 to join the army.
As each child left home, the others filled the gap, it didn't get easier because we were down in numbers, it just changed. There was more time for homework, activities, but meals still had to be cooked, washing and ironing done, school runs and breaking up fights.
We weren't around to support any of our children into adulthood, it wasn't a gentle break for any of us, it was an arm ripping off moment each time.

Empty nest:
We moved to Dubai the same time our last child left home in 2014, the youngest two returned to South Africa to say their goodbyes and to physically move with us, although they returned to the UK within a few weeks. Moving countries is stressful in its own right and while I was grateful to not have to sort out schools, negotiate traffic on school runs on the wrong side of the road, helping them make new friends and finding activities for them to join in with, I was incredibly isolated and lonely.
I'm over empty nest now, but I do wonder what the future holds for us in regards to our relationships with our adult children as they begin their own journey into marriage and parenthood.

You'll notice I have more to say about leaving home and empty nest and this is because they happened more recently, they're fresher in my mind. They were recent events, I've not done much since the kids left home, I did return to teaching for a year which contributed to filling my days and I had the death of my father and health issues to deal with over the following 2+ years.

When we all get together, which is rare as a family of 7, with our chosen homes, the last time was for the youngest's 18th birthday in 2017, we talk about the fun times, the memories that make us smile, the holidays, the time we lost the children and the day we went on holiday only realising we'd locked one of the children in the house and left them behind was one another child asked where they were.

At the end of the day we can't stop the process or even slow it down, parenting just happens. Sometimes we need the support of the wider family, teachers, doctors and other professionals.

Most of the time we can't stop or change what our children go through, they develop at their own rate, we can't fix a friendship, stop the bullying, mend a broken heart, get better grades or even have a great deal of influence over their lives as they become adults. We're just there to support them however we feel best at the time. We will have regrets, we will have issues. I know I do.

Please note: ALL this was done without the internet and there aren't many photo's to prove it.

Can money buy an education?

Money can't buy an education.....it can pay for a child to be educated, but it can't be used to buy higher grades.

Our youngest child has finished school aged 18 with 5 GCSE's and several qualifications in computer related subjects equivalent to A levels, but he won't be going to University. He is now living back at home while he applies for apprenticeships.

For the past 4 years child 5 has been in boarding school in the UK. He returned for the start of year 10 in 2013. We were living in South Africa. Government education wasn't an option, so we were paying for private education over there. Learning support wasn't an option and working in education and in special needs I'd identified at an early age that the youngest child had additional learning needs around the age of 5 and by the age of 7 we had opted to move him into a fee paying school, The Downs Malvern College, where class sizes were 18 and we could pay for additional learning support that just wasn't available in governement schools.

It was evident he was dyslexic and as statements aren't supported in private school, we didn't seek one from the Educational Psychologists, until he started secondary schooling in South Africa in January 2012, where he was diagnosed as dyslexic, dyspraphic and having dyscalculus. He needed support with his reading, writing and mathematatics.

Towards the end of his GCSE's we relocated to Dubai, we took advice locally and in the UK and it was decided he would remain in the UK to finish his education so as not to disrupt his learning. The fees for boarding at Bredon school were £30,000 a year plus additional costs for learning support. The fees covered lessons, food and board, but did not cover trips out on weekends or during school time.

For the first 2 years, he shared a room with 3 other boarders, some weekly, some full and occasional mid week boarders. For the last 2 years, he had his own room, sharing a bathroom with 3 others and access to a kitchen and a shared lounge.

Now I may be a little naive, but I expected far more in all areas that what we actually received for our money. I relied fully on the school to keep me informed of his progress, I relied fully on those who collected him and dropped him off for exeat weekends or to bring him to and from the airport for the long school holidays when he came home and I had thought that by the time he left school last week, that there would be things in place for his future, but I got it all very wrong.

It would seem that everyone you collected him and dropped him off thought I knew about the state of his room.

The peeling paint, the broken furniture.

If I lived near by and visited more often I'd know about this, but then if I lived near by, he wouldn't be boarding and we wouldn't have the problem.

On Thursday I collected my son from school with 2 suitcases and 3 cardboard boxes of his belongings and a handful of certificates and nothing else.

I have a list of websites in an email where I can support my son to apply for an apprenticeship, I have no idea what we are doing, what the timescales are and we have no support to move onto the next stage.

Children 2 & 3 went onto college from school in the UK, one studying Public Services, the other catering. The course included instruction, support and contacts into the world beyond and as parents we were informed of the next steps, how to support our child with applications for apprenticeships. Employers came into college to recruit students and after finishing their courses, they had the summer off and left home moving into the world of work.

Child 4 completed his education in South Africa, his school friends were supported into further education and with applying for University places. Our son wasn't following that route, as he was returning to the UK to join the army, but there was support and guidance there had if have chosen that route.

I was mislead with the youngest's schooling. His aim was to get an apprenticeship with CISCO having studied a course with them in IT and Networking which was industry specific. Of the 600 students they offer 6-20 places every year and if he wasn't successful then the other large companies would snap him up. So based on that knowledge and the schools previous experience with other students, I fully trusted them with what they told me, why wouldn't I?

But it's not that simple, it's up to us now to register on websites, make selections from drop down boxes, narrow down areas where my son would like to live (he has no UK base) re write his CV, because the one he's left school with is not up to date and do this on our own.

Many people assume children who attend Boarding School are privileged and entitled and have the world handed to them on a plate. We, as parents, haven't built up a network of useful contacts, we're not former boarding school parents, our son has friends, but he's not friend's with the parents and as most of the parents are like us, employed and with a mortgage, they have their own children to support.

We can't employ our children in the family business, there is no family business, we've helped the kids out with their first deposit to rent a place, or the odd bill, lent them money to tie them over and paid for their flights to come and visit us while we live abroad. But we're not in a position to pay for any of their lives, such as renting accommodation and we see cars and mobile phone contracts, holidays and perfectly decorated homes as something to be earned and prioritised, not a right of passage, they are a luxury, not a necessity.

So returning to my question 'Can money buy an education?' The answer in my experience is 'No' Whether we did the right thing for our son or not, doesn't matter now, he enjoyed boarding school, didn't resent us for sending him away, didn't feel abandoned, he was struggling with his education in South Africa, not wanting to attend school, feeling thick and stupid compared to his peers, so for him emotionally, we made the right decision, for his education?????????

What is the right age to leave home?

I left home at 17 and moved into a flat share with a friend, attending college and working part time in the local supermarket in the town where I grew up. Aged 18, I ventured further a field and took a job in care with accommodation.

My husband left home at18 to go to university, his parents moved to the other end of the country at the same time.

We prepared our children to leave home at 18 also. From the age of 16 we started discussing with them the what next? The two oldest boys were able to leave school aged 16 but they were told this was not an option and they knew they had to go into further education. Child 2 chose public service and joined the army just after his 18th birthday and ended up based in Germany, he left the army after 4 years and now lives back where he grew up, with his girlfriend and works locally.

Child 3 chose catering and went into the hotel trade, leaving home aged 18, moving to Reading, with accommodation, then a short spell in Cheltenham before settling in Leeds. Now aged 25 him and his girlfriend are moving out to Australia the end of the month.

Child 4 wanted to join the army from the age of 5, he completed his education in South Africa, leaving home at almost 20 now living in Northern Ireland.

Child 5 completes his education in the UK this week aged 18, he is moving 'home' temporarily with me into a one bed flat in South Wales. The plan is to find him an apprenticeship and accommodation, settle him in and I can return to Dubai.

But I'm not sure it's going to be as easy as this.

The older 3 boys had accommodation with their jobs as did I with mine and hubby had with uni. 

Many of our friends children  and our children's friends are still living at home, well into their mid 20s and in some cases are living there with their partners and even children. Most are working, but quite a few aren't and nearly all are showing no sign of moving out, wanting to move out or their parents wanting them to move out.

The teen doesn't have the option of living at home and getting a job near by and whilst I know family read this and may be upset by this next bit, they're not in a position to support him, they haven't done so to date so we can't assume they will now. He needs a room, a lift to work, a reminder to get up in the morning, lectured of eating well, gentle nagging to do some household chores, support to set up bank accounts, general parenting and guidance into adulthood. He's been in a bubble the past 4 years in boarding school, it's going to be a lot harder for him than it was for the other 3.

As his mum I need to be around, he needs to know I'm around, that I'm there so he can pop home on weekends, I can pop up in the week, help him out with his washing, just say hi and be there to offer guidance and support.

I don't think my husband has fully thought this out, I know I haven't. It's not just a case of finding him somewhere to live, paying a deposit, first months rent, some basic furniture and hoping on a plane and going back to Dubai.

I feel I need to stay in the UK on a regular basis for the first year and pop back to Dubai for visits rather than the other way round. The teen won't be living with me in the UK, it's only a one bed flat and not in an area where there are many opportunities for an apprenticeship, but I'd be in the UK, I'd be near by and I'd feel like I was able to parent when I was required instead of having to find someone else who could spare the time to drive over to find out what he needed, rather than instinctively knowing how to help and what to do.

How old were you when you left home?

Did you have parental support?

At what age did your child leave home? 

Sharing my son with another family.

Child 4 was the last to leave home in 2014, he was almost 20 and had been the last child at home for almost a year after child 5 returned to the UK to boarding school.

Child 4 is the only child we've had an input with into adult hood, he was at home the longest, therefore the one we spent the most time with as a young adult.

He was the only one we taught to drive, who we left home alone to look after his younger sibling while we travelled and the one who did the school runs, food shops and picked us up after a night out.

Apart from the youngest who finishes school this year, the other 3 boys manage their own finances, careers and lives in general. But they always come to me for advice and support before making major decisions. They respond to messages, but unlike child 4, they rarely initiate just general day to day chat.

However things are changing/have changed with child 4 in the past few months since he got himself a girlfriend. I don't mean that he's stopped talking to me, tagging me in photo's or even become distant. I mean he now has a whole new family involved in his life. He tags me in photo's of days out with his girlfriend and her family, his achievements and just general stuff he thinks I'll like, same as usual, but now not only is his girlfriend commenting on his posts, so are her family, their extended family, friends and neighbours.

These are people I don't know, but who are getting to know my son just as well as I do. Whose comments are similar to mine, because they know what he's like and how he'll respond. People who share 'in' jokes with him. People who he tells things to at the same time as he tells me. People who are important in his life, of equal importance to me.

I'm not jealous, but I do envy their relationship with my son. My relationship with my son is now online, we live 4000 miles apart, he sees his girlfriend most days after work, he goes round her house and eats his tea with her family, he walks their dog, he talks to her dad about the football, he asks her mum to help with removing stains from his clothes.

As a Mother to 5 children, all bar one being adults, I've accepted a long time ago, that they would all grow up and leave home one day, that they'd get girlfriends, get married one day and eventually have children of their own. What I didn't think about was how their new families had families of their own.

I'm off to Belfast for a few days in March to meet the girlfriend and her family and the 3 of us are taking a road trip to Dublin, it's a short visit, but it will be nice to meet the girlfriend and her family and get to know the people my son now shares his life with on a daily basis.

Is our youngest child ready to leave school?

I doubt there are many parents who are fully prepared for their youngest child to finish school and leave home. For us, our youngest child has already left home, so unlike with the other children I have very little idea if he's actually ready to leave school and go into the big wide world of work.

Our youngest child leaves school this year. He will be 18 years and 2 months old.

Our youngest child of 5 left home in South Africa in August 2013, aged 14 years and 4 months to return to the UK to complete his education, the last child (4 of 5) left home in January 2014 1 week before his 19th birthday, having completed his schooling the previous month.

Apart from the school holiday we haven't parented for 2 years and have since moved to Dubai. We also haven't taken much of a role in the youngest's school life, apart from occasional emails and very few visits, he hasn't needed it, he's been on track for his apprenticeship with CISCO, he has an active social life both in school on on exeat weekends with friends and I've visited the UK during the shorter holidays and him to Dubai over the summer and Christmas.

This last few months of his schooling will be busy for both him and I, and I will be making regular visits to the school as we discuss the 'what next?' in regards to where his apprenticeship will take place and the logistics around the when and the how and most definitely the costs involved in regards to housing.

Our eldest child is in a care home, children 2 & 4 joined the army and child 3 had accommodation offered with his first job on leaving home, although in later years we helped out with deposits and landlord issues as he changed careers and moved around the UK.

We've not had a conventional school life with our children, involving 4 different, but simultaneous primary schools and 6 different secondary schools both in the UK and South Africa.

Although technically I haven't been involved with school life for a very long time, I think I will miss it. Having sent the older children off to school on their first day in both primary and secondary, by the time the youngest 2 went to school I had few questions or few worries. By the time the youngest 2 left home, I'd gone through all the worries and fears with their older siblings and it was easier to let them go, but also harder as this time they were moving 6000 miles away.

As adults, we see the children 2-3 times a year, either with their visits to us in Dubai, now with girlfriends and mates or us to the UK.

But having a child in school for the past 21 years has given me stability, reassurance and a sense of time, a way to mark the year, arrange birthdays, holidays and finances. Without school I'm not sure now how I will mark the years from now on, as their birthdays will be spent at work, with friends, Christmas will be spent with their own families as the years go by.

I'm just not sure that I'm ready for our last child to leave school, just yet. Peter is of course very relieved as it means an end to private school fees and his dream of an Aston Martin could become a reality.

Where have our children gone?

This is our favourite picture of all 5 of our children. 4 boys and 1 girl.

It was taken in 2002 on the last family holiday all 7 of us went on.

It is 1 of a handful of pictures where we have all of the 5 children together.

Left to right

Alex, 1999, after 2 and a half years living with us in South Africa, it was decided he would return to boarding school in the UK, waiting GCSE results then 2 years of A levels ahead and on schedule for an apprenticeship with CISCO

Jamie, 1992, currently living in Leeds after leaving home age 18 for an apprenticeship in Hotel Management in Reading, also living in Cheltenham for 18 months.

Andrew, 1989, left home 2007 to join the army and was stationed in Germany for 4 years, the last 3 years he's been back living in the Forest of Dean.

Daniel, 1995, completed his high school education in South Africa, left home 2014 spent a year applying for and sorting papers and is in the army in Yorkshire. he passes out in September and is being stationed in Belfast.

Stephanie, 1988, left home a few months after this picture was taken and went into residential school in Bristol, had a short spell in care in Tewkesbury before moving to her adult placement in Gloucestershire in 2009.

So that's where our children are, but what actually happened to them?

We've been looking back at old family photos this week and it feels like yesterday, today. We can remember how it actually feels to be the parents of 4 boys and 1 disabled daughter. We don't just remember the fun, the tantrums, the stress, we can feel them, breathe them.

In our minds we can travel back in time to our house in Malvern, the first home we had where all 7 of us lived together.

We recall the weekends of getting the children to their football matches, their grandparents, the long drives to Bristol to collect and return our daughter every Friday and Sunday night. Calling in at granny's working out the rota for whose turn it was to sit next to their sister and have their hair pulled, stopping at Michael Wood services on the way home for yet another toilet stop. Carrying changing bags, fitting a wheelchair and a pushchair in the boot, Gluten free food for the youngest and 2 sets of nappies for the eldest and the youngest, then finding somewhere to change them whilst looking after the other 3 kids.

The holidays, the fights, the achievements, first day at school, prom, last day of school, exams, girlfriends, part time jobs, trying to get everyone together for dinner most evenings, maybe cooking twice, cooking different meals.

The washing, the ironing, the cleaning, homework.......I'm breaking out in hives as I type this, how did we actually manage?

Hubby worked away 3 days a week, I had a full time job, the closest family were 40 miles away, we spent a fortune on after school care, bus fares, football kit, replacement PE kit every term for at least one child. They went to 4 different primary schools, 6 different high schools.

And now we have 4 adult children and one remaining teenager. I'm 44, hubby 57, no one tells me anymore I look old enough to have 5 kids, or that I must have started young, people see us as single adults, without a care in the world, who have raised their children and live a dream life in Dubai.

They don't see the transition we went through from parents of 5 kids to no parental responsibility within 7 years, they drip fed themselves out of our lives and then they were gone.

Yes we are still their parents, but what we see now is 5 well adjusted adults who occasionally stand before us, when we visit the UK or they visit us in Dubai. They meet and visit us with their girlfriends in tow, they finance themselves, have good jobs, their own homes. (apart from the 16 yo)

Hubby managed to get 4 of the 5 together on his last trip to the UK, to date I'd only managed to get 3 together at any one given time.

Next month we'll both be back in the UK to visit all 7 kids, we're hoping we can get a chance to recreate the photo, not necessarily on the beach in France, but at their grandparents or in a cafe.

They really don't keep in touch with one another, they are all so very different, but when they meet up it's none stop chatter about life as children, with us, their parents at home, the holidays, football matches, the fights (but they don't dwell on those)

But today they stand before us as adults and we can't help but wonder where those 5 little children went, because they no longer feel like ours.

@MummyBarrow asked in a blog post what do we call our kids as they are no longer teens? Well there's a word now for Tweens and Threenagers, so I'd like to suggest we call them Kidults.

What makes a good parenting blog?

Certainly not a lot of the ones I read anyway.

I shock people sometimes with my honesty, I blog about real events, how it affects us as a family and what conclusions we have drawn. I have permission, I'm not allowed to photograph the teen, but he has helped me with the hashtags for his recent visit for instagram, even if it's only his arm that appears in the photo and they'd all rather I didn't tag them on Facebook as then all their friends get to see it, but they don't mind the rest of the family and my friends reading about it all.

Why am I writing this post? Well having joined in with numerous linkys/groups/forums I'm starting to see too much of an artificial world, too many scripted and planned out blogs, too many gushing reviews, too many perfect lives.

But it doesn't bother me that much, as I'm almost done with raising my family, in fact I no longer parent on a daily basis, there's only one child left under 18 and we packed him off as soon as we could back to the UK to boarding school, while we live the life of riley as expats in Dubai, by the beach. I'm sure that would probably get more hits for a post like that, but then it would probably attract the trolls also and anyway I write for myself, for others in similar situations and certainly not for the stats, which btw aren't too bad, but unlike a lot of you I'm not going to make a fortune from blogging unless I can get 10,000 hits per day (some of you are deluded, but you're happy I suppose) I did get 10,000+ hits recently on a youtube video over 2 days.

My youngest son moving to the UK was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life, it didn't get easier because we'd already had kids leave home, each child that left, wherever they went and for whatever reasons broke my bloody heart, but we knew they'd go one day. There were times when I could've quite cheerfully let them live with their other parent. The arguments, the rows, the fights, the name calling and yes it was both sides. It wasn't healthy for any of us, but now they are adults and now they have their own lives, we all just get on fine. We have our space, our own routines, our own habits, no one to annoy, no one to argue and fight with.

This is one of the downsides about living in a large family, you can't please one another all the time, in fact it is rare to even have one or two getting on at any one time. But when they come to visit now, they come as an only child, they come home to mum and dad, they come home as adults and we value and respect each others space, as we all remember what it was like to live on top of one another.

I have no issues with telling you the truth about the realities of family life. I don't care much if you think I'm a bad parent, I'm just a different parent, I am an honest parent.

I have a friend who is aghast at the antics of my children over the years. I told her not to judge as her son is only 11, she looked at me and I said 'I can see that you're thinking oh no, not my child, he won't be like that, ever' and as much as I'm truly not wishing any of the negative things about living with teens, I know she will have her own set of issues and worries about him, she will justify his behaviour, she will analyse her role in it, she may dismiss it, she may challenge it, but it will be there all the same.

The same with some of you when I read your blogs, there are food issues (please research the difference between food allergies and intolerances and learn that sometimes it's not always the food that causes your child to behave badly) I've been there, done that. There is being bullied at school, there is your child playing an active role in bullying, there is being top of the class, the best reader etc, but the reality is, half the time you're exaggerating your child's achievements, but I'm not knocking you for that, I'm proud of my kids also, I'll tell you when they've done something to make me proud. But I'm realistic and more often than not, I'll tell you about the things that went wrong, the pain, the heartache, the walking away, the tears behind closed doors.

It's difficult to measure the success of parenting unless you acknowledge the pitfalls and being honest with yourself certainly helps to make parenting a lot easier.

Life after kids

My 16 year old son has been home for 2 weeks for his Easter Holidays. You can read here about whether he is at home or on holiday here.

After 22 years of being a mum, it all stopped. I'm still a mum but I parent from several thousand miles away now, slightly closer to the UK after relocating from South Africa to Dubai in December 2014, but nevertheless, it's still a 7 hour flight plus car/train journey away. It's expensive to call the kids mobiles, they don't always have access to wifi so 3 G costs them too much to Skype, there are letters and cards to be sent, but they don't always remember to collect them and they rarely write back. But that doesn't matter, I'm the adult, even though 4 of them are over 20 and the youngest almost 16 is in boarding school and I've handed over day to day parenting to his team, who, in my opinion are doing a damn better job than I could've hoped for or probably done.

I miss my kids, I miss the house being full, I even miss the rows as it gave me a purpose to get through each day, school runs, uniforms, after school activities, dinner to cook, arguments and fights to resolve.

But I'm done with Empty Nest Syndrome I'm reminded only of my freedom from parenthood when one of the kids come to visit and suddenly the fridge, the fuel tank and my purse are emptied.

The biggest thing that helped me change from being a full time parent to it just being me and the cat and the dog all day was relocating. It was tough when we moved to South Africa and although the problems with HR and immigration were stressful in Dubai, this time I wasn't dealing with finding schools, settling children (although the dog and cat were a challenge) also I was able to go out on my own from day one, the streets are safe and the public transport is cheap and runs perfectly.

We created our first child free home so there are no empty rooms to mourn over. Our kids are now visitors here, they've never lived here, therefore from my perspective life on a daily basis without them is very different from when I found odd socks after they left and their rooms were in danger of becoming shrines as I cleaned and tided them within an inch of my life as a way of distracting myself from having nothing to do once they left home.

However this has caused a different problem and that's making sure that when the teenager comes 'home' he feels at home and not like a visitor, so far I think the balance is right, I just have to remember I didn't entertain him 24 hours a day when he lived at home so I must remember to give him space now and not try to spend every minute with him or he'll not want to come back.

I still haven't found my thing yet, my thing to do now the kids have left home, has relocating complicated things? Has being an expat changed my life forever? Will I ever pick my career up? Do I want to pick up my career again? I don't think I'll be volunteering here, although the autistic school appears to be drawing itself towards me.

So far, Life without kids has been just as unpredictable as life with them, I still need to be at home for visitors, be they young, old, family or friends. I have some amazing travel coming up over the rest of this year. 2 trips to the UK, 1 to South Africa and 1 to Canada. I've joined in with photography projects on social media, take part in 5 weekly links which seem to be keeping me busy. I've been sewing, exploring, shopping, having coffee and things are rather fun right now, so instead of thinking too much about what I'm going to do, I'm just going to carry on doing what I'm doing. I'm sure things will change soon enough anyway. Who knows? Grandkids, a job offer, another relocation?

Dealing with empty nest syndrome

Well I thought my heart would break when my 14 year old left home to return to boarding school in the UK last August after having him at home for 3 years and again in January this year when my 19 year old left home to join the British Marines. My recovery from my eldest leaving home in 2010 was quick as we moved to South Africa within 3 months.

It's March now and I'll admit I'm enjoying being a SAH, it's meant I'm adapting to another identity change in my life as back in 2010 I had the kids at home, was a part time student with a full time career, then within 3 months I was a SAHM to 2 kids, with no studies, no career, no friends, you see I became an expat.

So when faced with my 'golden years' ahead of me, no responsibilities, my ability to choose to work, should we choose to move to Dubai next year, my ability to finish off some studies in preparation for the move, I just crumbled, I was lost, I cried, what about MY life? what was I to do? Changes all the time and I wasn't coping.

But the last few weeks I've been so busy, I've hardly noticed the kids aren't here and when I stopped and thought about it, I felt guilty for NOT missing them. But I now realise it's ok to feel this way.

I've been able to focus 100% on my volunteering and almost burnt out. I've been able to have numerous projects on the go without having to tidy stuff away before the kids get home from school. I do still get a bit lonely in the day and often call my son to help me with something then realise he's not here. I get to eat what I want, when I want, including ice cream for breakfast. I enjoy the fact there is still ice cream in the freezer, I watch what I want, when I want on the TV and meal times with hubby have become a pleasure, we cook what we want and often eat late at night, on the sofa in front of the TV. (the dining room table is full of photographs, I'm half attempting to sort.

I used to dream of 'ME time' and then always felt I'd wasted it, there was ironing or cleaning I could've done, now if I want to spend the day in my pjs feeling sorry for myself watching crap TV, I just embrace it.

Now I've experienced the kids leaving home I can tell you it's not actually that bad. Just like all changes in your life it takes a bit of time to adapt to, it's not something I looked forward to, but now I've finished with the crying I'm embracing my freedom and now found opportunities.

Watch out, Empty nest syndrome about to kick in here

This post was written as an article a few months ago. Today is the day my last child boards a plane for the UK and leaves home,

'I got in my car the other day, drove half way to my destination and something made me stop and turn round. I could actually see out the rear view mirror without an array of boxes and I remembered my son had taken my car to the gym the night before and emptied everything into the garage. My car has and still is full of boxes since mid October with Santa Shoebox gifts and donations for various facilities. I was bloody annoyed that I had to re load my car and when I made my 1^st stop at the post box I discovered the key wasn't where I’d left it.

A few weeks ago I need to use the super glue, I opened the drawer, removed it, used it and put it back and then broke down in tears. Why? Well I'm suffering with empty nest syndrome a little.

My 14yo moved back to the UK in August after 2 and a half years with us in South Africa, his education was suffering and we made a decision to move him back into boarding school. We received his first school report and he’s achieving at and above the expected level. So happy for him that he’s doing so well, considering his last report from the school here ‘he’s not making an effort, could do better and his hand writing, reading and spelling is atrocious’ well we did try telling the school, backed up with Ed psych reports that he’s dyslexic and dysgraphic.

So what do I do to fill the gap, volunteer work and plenty of it. I just have to keep going. It’s Santa shoebox season and for the past few weeks I've been grateful the youngest child isn’t here. The 18yo is self sufficient, studying hard for his exams, leaving a mess everywhere; dominating the telly, taking my car and making me book with him when I want to use it. He leaves on January the 10^th 2014 the same day the 14yo returns after his Christmas visit, Santa shoebox season will be over. It’ll be the middle of summer and too hot to muster up any enthusiasm to do anything.

I’m trying to be brave at the moment. I wasn’t when the first 2 boys left home; I was a wreck when the 14yo left so I assume the airport trip with the 18yo in January will be difficult also.

To be honest I’m ready for the 18yo to leave home now. He’s ready also. I’d like to use my car when I want, get a drink of coke out the fridge without going to the shops to buy more. Have money in purse, the freedom to go to the gym when I want, the remote control. The day to myself. But all day every day I’m not ready for.

So at the moment I’m enjoying the time I have left with him, his exams are over, I’m not moaning about my car or the coke or even the empty milk bottle. I’m looking forward to my 14yo coming out to visit again in August rather than worrying about what I'm going to do when they return to the UK.

 It’s hubby I feel sorry for though, he doesn't know how I’ll react to having an empty nest, but he’s made it quite clear, there will be no more kids.'

I'm afraid I've not enjoyed the last few weeks, I've been on count down to them leaving. I've focused on the 'what will I do with myself' rather than the time I've got left. Yes there will still be holidays, them here and us to the UK, but life as a full time mum has finished for me today. Nearly 22 years of being at someone else's beck and call, 22 years of complaining about the mess, lack of ME time, 22 years of school uniforms and pack lunches.
I've a busy few weeks ahead of me now, deliberately planned by hubby to try and ease the pain, fill the gap. I have bedrooms to clean, stuff to store and take to charity shops, a trip to Durban and Dubai to take a break, take my mind off things. But I know what I was like when the 14yo left in August, when the others left home, also aged 18, and I'm fully aware it's going to be tough.

Can I just have 5 minutes peace and quiet, please

How many times have you just wished you could have 5 minutes peace and quiet? 5 minutes in the bath without the kids knocking on the door wanting something and even when you get 5 minutes peace in the bath to relax and unwind it's not quite as somewhere in the house there is an argument going on?

Today in Morrison's I had a mini melt down, the tears flowed. I just wanted 5 minutes peace and quiet. I bought these, as tonight I plan on spending time in the bath treating myself, relaxing, me time.

It's achievable tonight, I'm staying with friends. So why the mini breakdown?

We are waiting for confirmation of youngest son, aged 14, returning to the UK in September to start boarding school for his GCSE's and A levels. The 18 year old isn't at all time consuming especially since he passed his driving test earlier this year, so school runs and lifts for clubs and activities stopped a while ago.

From September onwards I'm going to have 5 minutes peace and quiet whenever I want it and that's just the problem. 5 minutes peace and quiet isn't needed when you don't have anything to take a break from.

Oh I was tagged in a Mother's Day meme

I've been tagged by @kateonthinice the founder of #groovymums over at http://kateonthinice.wordpress.com/ to blog about What mother's day means to me.

I won't be tagging anyone else, as I'm a day late for the UK, as Mother's Day isn't actually until May here.

I received a facebook message from my 19 year old son wishing me a lovely day, my 17 year old tweeted me from his bedroom and the 13 year old asked hubby 'Did we get anything for mum?'
My step children haven't sent or acknowledged me, but then post may be 'lost' and step son has just moved back in with his Mother, and I doubt he's remembered her either.

Describe Motherhood in three words
Overwhelming, Challenging, Hard

Does your experience differ from your mother’s? How?.
My mum never worked when we were kids apart from 9 months when I was 14, but she always did voluntary work with the eldery, shopping, trips out and she played a lot of sport. We had regular babysitters in the evenings if my dad was away, while she played badminton and walked us to school every morning and collected us every afternoon. She run us round to all our after school activities, Brownies, Swimming, Gym, Youth Clubs and then school and youth discos.
When my children were small I had to work, we needed two incomes, I spent two years as a single parent, but never claimed any benefits. I used to work shifts around my then husbands job in care and youth work and I also did voluntary work to build my CV up alongside regular study.
I run the kids to all their activites also and like my mum I've run the home and moved on quite a few occassions with my hubbies job, like we did with my father's job.
My mother doesn't 'do' cooking, she doesn't enjoy it, she did cook a meal for us every evening, but if there was any chance we could eat out, or request fish and chips she'd be more than happy. I like cooking, I like preparing meals for the children, they like to experiment and enjoy 'tasty' food.
I'm much more relaxed with my children and their friends, we always have a house full of children, I drive miles with the kids for their activites, whereas my mum kept things local which meant I wasn't able to progress further with my activities.
My children have far more freedom than we did, I allow them to go out just for the sake of it, stay over at friends houses mid week, but I don't let them have TV's in their rooms.

I'm going to stop now, there are too many differences and I could write for ever about them.

What’s the hardest thing about being a mum?
I'm not sure there is anything 'hard' about being a mum. I can't compare it too anything else. I have single friends, childless, I don't envy their 'freedom/lonliness' I guess sometimes the hard part about being a mum is never being allowed to switch off and being judged by other parents, teachers, family and friends for the childrens behaviour.

What’s the best thing?
Well there are laughs, fun times, wonderful experiences. Companionship, friendship, achievements.

How has it changed you?
Again I'm not sure it has. I don't know what I would have been like if I hadn't had kids.

What do you hope for your children?
I hope my children are happy and I hope they continue to aim high.
I always recall my parents being disappointed that I had C for achievement, they wanted more, expected more. I had A for effort and that's all I want for my kids. I want them to do their best and that's all.

What do you fear for them?
I fear my children will struggle, that they will have to work hard and get overlooked.

What makes it all worthwhile?
Don't expect they will go down well, but it makes it worthwhile when they leave home. My first 3 kids left home aged 18, they went on into further education and training and they are happy and settled and left behind in the UK. If the last 2 can leave home at 18 then it will all have been worthwhile.

Every FIRST is the worse.

On Twitter, Facebook, Mumsnet and Britmums there’s lots of talk about ‘My Child’s first day at school.’ Some are coping, some are relieved and some are just upset.
Amongst all of this talk there was a status update from my son on facebook, that read.
‘I left home a year ago today’
I’d forgotten.
But I do remember how that day a year ago felt; I’ve forgotten his first day at school. Did I cry? Was I worried? Did he have everything he needed? Would he miss me/be ok?
It’s all gone now, but is there is how I felt when he left home aged 18 to move 120 miles away, worried about whether he’d come home in a few weeks, would he come for visits, or would we be just forgotten about?
I’d helped my son leave home as I’d done with my step son 3 years earlier, prepared them for getting a job with prospects, supported them both through school, GCSEs, college applications etc, taken them for job applications after helping them with their CV’s.
But nothing actually prepares you or them for the moment they leave.
‘I don’t want a fuss mum, I’ll pack my own stuff, will be back in the morning, I’m off out to say bye to my mates,’ arriving home the following day at 12pm, looking tearful, but denying there was a problem. Jeep seats folded and car overloaded and off we set.
A good journey, quite quiet, stopped for lunch, my treat (always is) arrived at destination. Son goes to fetch the keys while I try to park, impossible, so everything off loaded onto the street, I re park and I’m made to stand guard while son goes in to inspect his new home.
‘I’m not staying here, take me home’
‘What...?’ and on closer inspection I see why,’ OK we can clean, I’ll help.’ ‘No, Mum it’s disgusting’
So my son who doesn’t need me anymore, ‘just dump my stuff and leave me I’ll be fine’ attitude has changed. I drag his boss over to the house, he’s saying to me its shared accommodation madam, it’s bound to be untidy. That was until I showed him the toilet that had been leaking for so long had caused the kitchen ceiling to give way and the waste water was dripping onto the units, the freezer where the door wouldn’t shut, the fridge that Kim and Aggie would have been delighted to have swabbed and the thick dust and grease that coated every surface in the house.
Apologies made, a cleaning crew will be sent in, in two days.
Not good enough, so instead of a new uniform with labels hand sewn, this required a trip to a supermarket for cleaning equipment so I could return home alone and leave my son to start his new life.
House cleaned, provisions bought, junk furniture removed from room (Son set his TV up while I was cleaning) and one last trip to the supermarket for son to buy a small tool box.
I left him in the car park. ‘I want you to go now mum’ and he got out the car and walked off. I sat and cried and it took me an hour to compose myself to drive. I managed 7 miles before I hit the services and sat and cried some more.
Little did we know that within 2 weeks we’d be asked to move to South Africa and be gone within 4 months, he came to visit us in March, I went to visit him in July and every time we both cry. We don’t do parting very well.