Where are all the expats?

I've written before about meeting other expats when you move abroad and let me tell you it's not easy.

In the past 2 weeks we've met people who are moving to Dubai and they seem to be under the impression, like many before them and like many more to come, that they'll step off the plane and there will be someone stood there with a sign that reads

'Expats this way'

There's also an assumption from people who've never lived abroad that you just need to go and find the expat groups to make friends, it's easy.

Well that's easier said than done, because unless you work for an all British company (or company of your nationality) or you live in a compound that your company own. There is no such thing as an expat society.

In South Africa there were pockets of British expats and people would ask us why we chose to live in Centurion and not Lone Hill for example where the other British people lived. But when you looked into it, you realised they knew 3 or 4 other British people who just happened to live in that area, so it became a myth that, that was the British expat area. In Dubai only 21% of the population are locals, therefore everyone else is an expat and yes, we are all expats here because you can not obtain citizenship here and besides we call ourselves expats, not because we are British but because we are expatriated from our birth country for a period of time and will be returning one day, we are not migrants in search of work or immigrants who are never returning to our home country.

When we moved to South Africa, my husband was the only British employee of the company, in Dubai he is one of 2 or 3 and those other people have relocated here from other countries also. Just because they are British doesn't mean we are going to have anything in common and they have young children and their social lives and interests are very different from ours.

There are of course many other nationalities that my husband works with and we do socialise with them from time to time, but they are all much younger than us, mainly single or with small kids. Just because you're all living abroad doesn't necessarily mean you've got anything else in common.

I've been blogging recently about being bored and feeling lonely, I do have some friends here in Dubai and I quite often take the first step in arranging to meet up with others that I've formed an online friendship with. You have to remember that Dubai is a city and with city life comes traffic (lots of it) people work, have school runs etc and just popping round someones house or meeting up for coffee can quite often be a logistical nightmare here.

When we first moved abroad I joined every group going. I took advice from other expats and joined in with everything. There are numerous blog posts about joining a gym, searching face book for local groups, joining specific world wide expat groups, volunteering at your local school etc, but sometimes that is easier said than done.

In South Africa security was a big issue and meeting people online wasn't the best idea, however I did find some volunteer groups that I met life long friends through. Language can often be a big hurdle when it comes to meeting people and even now, the WhatsApp group still converse in Afrikaans from time to time, which excludes me from the conversation. It's not intentional, it just happens.

I find Dubai to be quite superficial, it's all about networking, whose husband can help who and what school your child is at, what job you do, handbag you carry and shoes you wear play a big part in making friends.

Of course that is a fairly sweeping statement to be making, but over the past few weeks, I've revisited the online expat groups throughout their websites and on facebook. Unfortunately these groups either meet in the evenings in bars as they are made up of people who work out here, or they're coffee mornings for 'Mums and tots' although I don't have any children living at home it doesn't mean to say I wouldn't have anything in common with some of these women, but I think it might look a bit dodgy if I turned up at one of their breast feeding support groups.

I've applied to join face book groups that look appealing but their community groups based on where you live and as I don't live in those estates I've been denied access to them. I do visit dog parks and play centres with my dog, I chat with my neighbours when I walk the dog several times a day and there's an open day at the local leisure centre soon I'll go along to.

There was a coffee morning near by this week, advertised as a British speaking group, 15 people attending and local. I thought I'd go along, so I went to register my interest to discover the only confirmed attendees were 15 Asian men, going by their profile pictures.

So you see it's not as easy as you think to just go and find the expat groups, but if anyone does know where these group of people are hiding, will they please let me know.

Why are women so mean?

I’m battling boredom and loneliness here in Dubai, I just about established some roots after 4 years in South Africa, made friends and found a purpose and it was gone over night as we relocated to Dubai, just over 2 years ago.

In South Africa we knew very few expats, in fact hardly any. We lived in an Afrikaans area, around Pretoria, with the children attending an English School. I was unable to work, due to visa restrictions and Peter worked in Johannesburg, which had a higher concentration of expats.

Peter’s colleagues were all South African as were our friends, even the few British people we met had been resident in South Africa for upwards of 10-20 years.

I went to every event I saw advertised, charities, golf do’s, accepted church invites, attended coffee mornings and events at the kids school. Unfortunately I would often be the only none Afrikaans speaking person there and I’d smile and nod along not knowing what was being said. But I persisited until I made friends and found a purpose.

I had upsets along the way such as when I met and English family who invited me to their home then forgot I was coming and I never heard from them again. Or arriving at an event to discover the only spare seat had a handbag sat on it and despite me asking if I could sit there, I was ignored. There were also loads of coffee dates that people would fail to turn up to, without messaging to say something had come up, only to discover being friends with the newbie wasn’t going to be beneficial to their husbands business or child’s development.

We got to know one couple whose children were in school in the UK and had been living in South Africa and other African countries for 2 decades, who were affectionately known as the ‘when we’s’ as in ‘When we lived in Keenya…….’ And were keen to make us feel like South Africa was just like living in the UK compared to their experiences. As time went on, I realized that one of their children had attended a school local to where we had lived in the UK, that we knew some of the same people and had been to events at various places, probably at the same time and the friendship turned sour.

Then one day we turned up to their house as arranged, they weren’t in and despite seeing them at the golf course they repeatedly ignored our existence until eventually one day, I walked over to talk to some other women I knew and upon this woman seeing me, she pulled her chair round and blocked me out the conversation.

I’ve had similar experiences also in Dubai and despite making a few friends through having worked here for a year and through walking Bob. Dubai is more transient and quite frankly can be very false. People posting endless pictures on facebook of them at brunch, relaxing at a spa or hiring a cabana on a private beach, the reality is often different and they are living in debt, up to their max on credit cards and generally living outside of their means. I’ve found a lot of women don’t want to discuss day to day life, they don’t have issues, worries, concerns they want to share. It's all about networking, who has been to the best brunches and had the best experiences.

It's sad really, people come for a few years, move back to the UK and spend the rest of their lives as 'when we's'

I know I'm sounding judgemental, but when you attend a coffee morning and all everyone is discussing is their latest designer bag or talking about their brunch experiences, it's hard not to be.

I walk into new environments now on edge, I'm asked my occupation, I don't have one. This can go either one way or another. If I'm meeting a group of people in a bar, it's usually because they're working and have nothing to say. If I'm meeting a group of people in a cafe, usually all women, they ask if I have children and what my husband does for a living. You can quickly see that a) I'm no use for play dates as my kids have left home and b) my husbands job can't benefit their networking aims.

Not all the women I meet are like this, but I often find a lot just aren't being their real selves. They too have been in a similar situation to me, where they've just not fitted in, but unlike me I refuse to play games and if I don't fit I just walk away, not change myself to be something I'm not.

It strikes me as being similar to the school playground. But in the playground, working life and in South Africa I finally found my 'place' and made good friends, I just think it's slightly harder in Dubai as it's so transient. 

Do you find it easy to make friends? 

Without children for play dates and not working it does get harder to meet people. 

How do you make friends?