Christmas letter

First there was the individual letters...52 of them sent in March, which prompted an initial response from less than half the people I sent them to, some replied on face book, some sent emails and a few sent letters. (postal system is a bit crap here, so I gave many the benefit of the doubt) then there was the request on twitter for pen pals and the response was brilliant. Letters started coming in and were coveted, re read and replied to immediately.

I boycotted face book for a few weeks and sent everyone an email to say that I found facebook not to be personal enough and while it's great everyone loves to hear about what we're up to, the point was TELL ME, not other people. That's why I love twitter, you get a response, you chat with someone about anything and everything, you DM, you move to email, you get requests from people to add more to the blog. I love how interactive it is.

Well the response I got from the email was mainly limited in relpy to friends off twitter, a few other 'old' friends responded to the email, but they were the ones that had written back in the first place.

So my last option is the round robin letter in the christmas card, another 52, I shall personalise them of course, ask questions about work, children and family life so there is something to reply to and this afternoon I'm off to get the annual family picture developed to include in each and every card.

I'm desperate for communication from 'home' it is often the highlight of our week to receive a letter even if it just says, 'nothing much doing here' it shows they care, we are missed and my efforts are appreciated.

So no response to my efforts, means there will be no further effort from me and I'll leave them behind, even if they are family.

December 2011 A A year on, wow, it has gone really fast, both the boys have now completed their first school year in South Africa, with Dan going into Matric in January, this is Grade 11 & 12, equivalent to A levels, but instead of 4 subjects he continues with all his options and grading for university has already started. Alex moves into senior school (for the second time, it’s graded differently here) and is looking forward to some of the more practical lessons, stage production, CAD, music technology. Peter is settled with his job and travelling as much as usual, no longer far flung places but only 2-3 hours by air.
It is most peculiar to be sat writing a letter dated in December and thinking about Christmas in 30c, wearing shorts and t shirts and even more strange to see all the Christmas decorations up in the shops and malls and all the same as the UK, snow scenes, Christmas trees with tinsel and baubles and hundreds of fairy lights, I had hoped for something different, but not sure what really.
I’m now working, voluntarily at a home for abused children under 4 and I’ve been collecting and handing out with Santa Shoebox for children who are orphaned and disadvantaged, all those years we donated boxes to various schools in the UK and now I’m actually getting to hand them out to these kids in Africa, it is actually a very humbling experience.
I’m back in the UK now with the boys for 3 weeks, we return to South Africa on the 20th December, finances, time and transport is limited, if I don’t get to visit this trip there is July and August next year.
The postal system isn’t the best here, in fact not a lot gets past customs, unless it is sent via recorded delivery or is in a A4 envelope marked ‘printed papers’ with a return address on the back. And that is both ways. So please drop me an email, if you have sent a letter or anything else to us that we haven’t acknowledged you for, it may be we just haven’t got it yet.
Hope you have a fab Christmas and look forward to hearing from you in the New Year. Kids want me to cook a traditional dinner but in this heat I think their luck is out.
Love Suzanne, Peter, Dan and Alex.

Why I prefer Twitter to Facebook

Twitter allows me to be me. I find it non judgemental, I can say what I like and how I feel and even discuss quite personal issues.

I started my blog as a way to tweet longer, to explain a tweet and to be able to express an opinion.

My blog developed into somewhere I could share my experiences of parenting teens and as a place to give and receive advice.

We then moved to South Africa and it has become a permanent record of our families life here and the difficulties faced living in such a beautiful yet dangerous country.

The reason I use twitter over Facebook to promote my blog is I don't want certain people reading it, I don't want their comments, opinions and judgements. I don't want their pity and I dont want them sharing our lives with people I don't particullarg want to share my life with.

I've given the link to a few family and friends that I feel I can trust and don't object to them finding me on twitter.

Twitter allows me to be me, where as on Facebook I play the role of the daughter, the sister, the friend people want me to be.

Who's your support network?

When I had my kids I lived in a small village in the Forest of Dean in Gloucestershire. Ive just turned 40 and my kids are 19, 16 and 12...I also have 2 step kids aged 23 and 22.

At the time I'm talking about I only had two children they were newborn and aged 2, I moved away when they were 10 and 7 and had another child aged 2.

I joined a local playgroup, saw the health visitor at clinics on a regular basis, took turns to have friends round with their kids, went to play groups, met up for picnics in the parks, bike rides etc, the kids went to nursery, preschool and school together, with the same group of people for the 8 years...a few new people moved to the village and joined the same groups and a few moved away.

We all helped out at the school with fundraising and fetes, at church groups, cubs and brownies and the local football team.

Yes there was a clique, there was the one with the foul mouth, the one who let their kids run wild, the one that had an affair and split the village, the one that had a bit more spare cash than the rest of us and the odd falling out about who's child started it.

But on the whole it was good, I'd even been to school with 2 other parents in a different town, there were nights out, tears and endless babysitting.

We were all a similar age, from similar backgrouds and similar experiences. It wasn't idylic but it was fun.

Do you have this? This was 1995-2002, I didn't get a mobile phone or the internet till 2000.

I wish it was still like this, today when you have a baby you reach out to the internet for information and advice, breast feeding, what age to leave your kids alone or let them out in the street...

...but when you get your response from 100's of people and experts does it make you feel good, does it make you feel as if you're doing it all wrong or does it help justify your parenting skills?

Remember when you use the internet, twitter, facebook or google you're reaching a much wider audience, you're recieving advice from people that haven't had kids, people from completly different social and financial backgrounds, different ages, countries, experiences.

It doesn't mean that they're right and you're wrong.

If you don't tell me I'm getting it wrong, how am I ever supposed to know?

I go through life disappointed. Disappointed in myself and others but mainly with myself. I've blogged before about givers and takers and lack of post from the UK since moving here.

I aim too high, I set my standards to high and I fall, every bloody time. I won't learn, I can't change, but I am learning not to let it affect me like it used to.

Now I have a little rant, I have a little cry, sometimes I tweet it, but I no longer challenge.

I find if I dare to complain, tell someone that their reaction to my well thought out intentions has hurt me or explain why their actions or words have upset me, it ends up with them verbally attacking me, explaining how my expectations make them feel and why I make them behave the way they do towards me and I end up apologing for making them feel like that. And the issue of how I felt is left, undiscussed. But at least they feel better.

My biggest problem is I offer help/support/guidance when I see or hear them in trouble or when they post a comment or when I'm told by a third party something is wrong and they need help. But I do it in my way, not they way they want apparently. I spend my time looking for the right gift rather than just chucking money their way, I write what I think they want/need to hear and until they say my advice/help/support/guidance/gifts aren't wanted I just carry on blindly.

Since moving to South Africa I've discovered who/what is important to me, I've got rid of some deadwood, hangers on/takers. I've done this as a response from all the lovely letters, emergency PG Tips parcels, phone calls, personal messages, skype calls, emails and mostly but not entirely from people I've never even met. (Isn't twitter a wonderful place)

But what I've noticed and what has upset me the most is while people feel they can have a go at me because I'm not writing enough, I'm not making enough calls. Calls are expensive, the internet doesn't always work. I've sent photo's, gifts and long letters, I ask them questions about their lives, jobs, kids to give them something to reply to. But then they don't write back, evderyone loves to hear from me, everyone loves the photos's, the gifts, the letters. They don't reply, they've got nothing to say, they don't say thanks, they don't post a message to say I got your gift and thank you. I post comments on their face book, I reply to their status updates and the most I get back is a 'like'.

So no more, you reply to me I'll reply to you, you bother with me and I'll bother with you, that's how it works, it doesn't have to be a letter or a call it could just me a message to me, rather than posting your general news in my timeline or public announcements on face book.

So when you don't get a card for your birthday or at christmas and I don't pop in and say Hi when I return to the UK in December, it'll be your turn to be disappointed, your turn to wonder what you've done wrong and I won't be engaging in a conversation with you either so you can feel better.....it'll be your turn to wonder why?