Word of the week - Future

I'm aware more than most just how fragile the future is.

We all make plans that don't come to fruition and we all have dreams that we know will never happen for a variety of reasons.

It's been a year since Stephanie died. She was such a part of my future. She was my future.

As our adult children left home, including Stephanie and we became expats and our last two children left home, we didn't really know what the future would hold for us. We had plans, we had dreams, we had expectations.

Peter would retire, we'd move back to the UK, I'd resume my career. We'd travel. My father died suddenly without warning and life stood still in 2017 for 6 months. I'd just finished a job and was embarking on a new career due to start the following month. I never got back into a routine, I didn't get a life back for me. I just drifted for the next few years, just waiting to restart. 

Grandchildren filled my time as I travelled between Dubai and the UK, relocating back here permanently in March 2020 in covid to be here for Stephanie, unsure of what the future would be again for the next 18 months.

We brought Peter's retirement forward, had an extension built and a new kitchen. I started working and it felt like for the first time in ages we had settled down, things were sorted. The kids were all settled and happy, we had been travelling, had travel booked, were spending time with our grandchildren. The house was sorted, we'd sold the flat and were rid of the stress of being landlords after living abroad. We bought a campervan. We started planning our new future.

We had a year with a grandchild needing surgery in and out of hospital and he still has moments here he is unwell, but no further surgery needed. Our lovely Bob the dog died aged 13 which upset us far more than we ever anticipated. Yes, we had some stress in our lives and we anticipated things would go wrong and there would be problems, but we knew we'd just have to cope with things and that together we'd be able to do this.

Day, to day, week to week, month by month and yearly plans and dreams were being put into place. The future was quiet, it was peaceful, it was what we had envisioned. 

We didn't have everything planned for our future, we also acknowledged that things wouldn't always go to plan. We might have to move before we're ready to due to ill health or disability. We might have to sell the van and give up our camping trips earlier than planned.

There is however a natural order to things. The future was me in my 80's after Peter died (he's 14 years older than me) in a coffee shop with Stephanie having lunch. My granddaughter with her children having collected me and driven me there for our monthly meet up.

I'd even told my 6 year old granddaughter I'd buy her a car when she was bigger so she could drive me to see Aunty Stephanie when she was a big girl.

Whatever we had planned, however far ahead we had booked in our diary, the future was always me in the coffee shop with Stephanie. 

That coffee shop will always be in my future and so will my granddaughter, whether it'll be in my old age, whether she will have children herself is to be seen, but as long as we can get to the coffee shop or at least get to each other, we can still have that future and I can make sure that Stephanie lives on in our family through our granddaughters memories of the brief time she got to spend with her.

Dreaming

I've blogged about how I've got to where I am today but I haven't blogged, thought much or even talked about how my life has changed so much that what I wanted to do, where I thought I'd be and what I thought I could've achieved, that I now need to rethink my entire future.

My husbands job dictates where we live, and it's open ended, there is no end date on the contract, all we do know is that at some point he will have to return to the UK, either to retire at 65 or earlier or to end his working days there. We could choose to move back to the UK any day we want, that is in our control, but with only 7 years left till he reaches 65 and a final salary pension with 31 years continuous service we'd be a little silly to make that decision unless of course there were bigger reasons, such as health of us, our children or families.

We have made sacrifices to live as expats and although we've both agreed and make joint decisions about everything, some things are harder to adapt to than others. For me giving up my career has been a huge sacrifice, bigger than I could've ever imagined, but when we became expats I had every intention of working until discovery a) I didn't meet the requirements to work in South Africa and b) upon our relocation to Dubai I discovered I need a Masters to teach here or have the right connections.

When we do return to the UK, it'll be hard for me to resume my career in Child Welfare as a) I'm already 44 b) I've already been unemployed for 5 years and c) regulations and laws change and my knowledge will be out of date.

Because we don't know when we will return to the UK, where we'll live, or whether hubby has retired or is still working and where our children will be living and working, there may be grandchildren by then, parents that need looking after, who knows?

So rather than plan anything I've decided I'm just going to have a dream, a base line for what I'd like to do, an idea of the type of place I'd like to live and not the where. I've decided to not worry about work or study until I return to the UK or the circumstance in which we return,

I would like to live in a rural location, keep chickens, have a veg garden with raised beds, be surrounded by open fields. Be no more than an hours drive from the beach and an hour to a large town.

I would like to live in a bungalow that we do up room my room to meet our requirements. You see like a lot of people I don't want to keep moving, I'd like my forever home now and that means no stairs, so I can choose to move when I want or am ready, not when our future health dictates that.

I'd like to own a camper van so I have somewhere to stay when I visit family and friends rather than sleeping on sofas, where I can take Bob with me. I can use the camper van for days out to the seaside, into the woods, where I can sit and drink tea while Bob runs freely and read my book and stay dry and warm. I'd like to get a dog passport and travel round Europe, either with hubby if he's retired or just Bob and myself if he's still working and travelling abroad.

I'd like to be able to plan for my future, for our future, but there are just too many variables of which none are currently in my control and it's getting harder to manage.

It's all a dream for the future, but it doesn't mean I have to stop living now. My career is on hold as is my relationship with my family and friends. My dreams are on hold also, but it doesn't mean I shouldn't have dreams or not be able to dream big.

What's getting me down right now?

Winter
Our house has NO insulation, wooden and metal window frames and single pane glass, it is also open plan and very little sun light reaches inside the house, it gets dark by 5.30pm and the sun doesn't rise till 6.45am which leads me to:

Power cuts
Last week was 3 days without electricity, this week 3 mornings in a row the power has switched off, hot baths are limited as is the use of the electric blanket and this morning I had to get ou to dry my hair at the gym, which leads me to:

Health
I came back from the Uk beginning of May with a chest infection, very soon I had pleurisy, the last weekend of June I actually felt well and went to Kruger, I returned with the flu, took to my bed which means I haven't been going to the gym or attending my physio and that leads me to:

Diet
I've had little taste or sense of smell, I haven't felt hungry, when I have eaten it's been junk food, preprepared food and chocolate and coke and in turn I've had headaches, suffered with my neck which is made worse by the cold of winter.

So now I've completed a full cycle with Winter, Power cuts, health and diet I'll tell you what else has been getting me down.

Charity work
The more I do, the more I see, the more useless I feel that I can't help more people and the more money I spend. There are new people and structures in a few of the places I volunteer at, who want set days and times so they can plan around my arrival, but that's not how I work, I'm a volunteer I give my time and my skills when I can.

Work (lack of)
Or at least some kind of an income to fund the voluntary work.

Face book
I've temporally deleted my account. Why? Well I'm sort of fed of people thinking they keep in touch with me purely because they 'like' a picture or comment. I'm also fed of people make huge announcements on face book and then expect that I trawl through their posts looking for these said announcements and then reply with heart felt sincerity. You have news to tell me, then tell me, when we moved to SA we told people individually, even if it was on a private message and waited till all had replied before we made it public. I get upset hearing about pregnancies, marriages etc at the same time as casual acquaintances.

USB port
There are only 2 on my MacBook Air and one of them doesn't work. I've only had the laptop for a few months and it should be repaired under warranty, but it will be away for weeks for the repair and I'll have no computer access.

Decisions for the future
I'd love to have a say in our future, our timescale and the how, when and where.

So I have lots getting me down right now, I'm being proactive about dealing with these issues, but when you suffer with ill health, ones ability to focus on what's important, goes out the window.