I'm feeling upset, not at how Stephanie died, it was ischemic bowel, there was nothing anyone could've done. nothing to do with her disability. I'm obviously more than upset about Stephanie's death.There are no words to describe how we feel right now other than lost. We cannot thank those enough that have rung, popped in, messaged, sent flowers, cards, food parcels, let us cry, talk, hugged us, attended the funeral, checked in, dragged us out for coffee. Obviously our 4 boys and their wives/partners have been our biggest network of support, but amongst of us, we've have noticed the absence of the above from others.
I understand it is hard to know what to say, I appreciate people have work, kids, their own lives to get on with and it's easy to pop a card in the post or to send a quick message or to even think well, it was a step child or she was in care. But she was our child. Our daughter died. She was nothing less than our daughter.
295 Monday We took child 3 down to Gatwick for his flight home to Australia. We'll be seeing him again in July when we fly out for a visit. Home to an empty house. We've been craving some time alone, but will really miss the boys being around. I've been feeling really strange today, disconnected from myself, there's a whooshing sound in my ears, my body isn't doing what I'm asking or expecting it to do, it doesn't feel part of me. I'm just functioning.
296 Tuesday Early start for a B12 jab, I met a friend from work with her husband for coffee. I decided to call in at work, to break the ice. I felt very uncomfortable going into school. I arrived before lunch and left after the kids had gone into their lessons. A few people hadn't heard and a couple ignored me, everyone else was very kind. We've had to go out every day for the past two weeks, mostly to Gloucester where Stephanie lived. It's a 50 mile journey, half country lanes, half motorway. It's been hard to function, concentrate on driving etc. We've kept up to date with washing, but there were beds to change, toys to tidy away and general tidying up to be done. We decided to take the cards down, the flowers were past their best. The house looks empty now. I did some gardening. We paid the funeral bill and in the evening I put some photos on Facebook.
297 Wednesday Today was a hard day. I just couldn't stop crying, it hit me really hard that there was no Stephanie in our future. Our lives had been consumed with who would look after her, fight for her after we died. I'd never thought for one minute she'd die before us. Peter encouraged me to get dress and get some fresh air. I went into town and did the Christmas shopping that I'd planned to do with Stephanie last weekend for our DIL's parents in Northern Ireland. I finished the day with coffee with friends after they finished work for the day. I then bumped into a parent from school. No one has been told why I'm off, they thought I was ill. I'd rather school had said I had a family bereavement so I didn't have to keep telling people over and over.
298 Thursday I'm not coping in the mornings, it feels like Groundhog Day. I made some dog beds as we're looking after child 4s dog for a few weeks and wrapped up gifts for our visit next week. I popped out to the nail bar and met my old student with her mum for a coffee. Getting out the house has really helped me. For some people they may find it strange that I'm going out but being around people is helping me. It's when I'm at home, I fall to pieces. I don't look or feel the best when I'm out, I don't think I'll ever feel the same old me again, how can I? but life does go on, and it will for us again, but it'll be different, it feels different already.
299 Friday I woke at 2am. It's the first night I've had less than 6 hours sleep since Stephanie died. We went out together for coffee and a food shop. We sorted some finances out in the afternoon and I dropped a birthday gift off with one of my friends from work. I packed for my weekend away and got the house ready for friends who are visiting from Germany next week.
300 Saturday It's our wedding anniversary, 22 years married. We forgot, we usually forget. October is the month that Peter and I met in 1999, although I've actually known Stephanie longer, having first met her around 1996. Today was penciled in the diary to take Stephanie out for a coffee and cake on my way to stay with a friend and drop off her halloween gifts. Instead I still had to call in her home to pay her outstanding gas and electricity bill. I then went for our planned Starbucks before heading down to see our granddaughter. I drove onto my friend's house for the night.
301 Sunday Off to visit my friend who came to the funeral and drop off her kids halloween treats and we had breakfast together, before driving onto see my old neighbours who I first met in 1995. Laura is a theatre nurse at Gloucester Royal Hospital and was with Stephanie the night she died, they are the same age and it gave Peter and I such comfort to see Laura as Stephanie was rushed into theatre. Laura sat with us while we waited to see Stephanie before they withdrew her life support. I got home late in the evening. Peter had cleaned and resprayed Bobs old cage.
Books read this week: 0
Words written towards book: 389 I've finished writing a story for my Grandson. I just need to print and bind it.
Clothes bought: 0
On the blog this week: Looks can be deceiving. I'm finally happy with the way I look (written and scheduled before Stephanie died) I've lost a lot of weight in the last 3 weeks, I've permanent bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and constant crying. I've remembered to wash my hair twice.
Things that have made me happy this week:
Friends, video calls, time in the garden, blogging.
Sending massive love and hugs to you and Peter.
ReplyDeleteIt must have been nice to have the boys home for a little bit but hard to go back to an empty house.
Happy anniversary to you and Peter.
It must have been such a comfort to have a familiar face in Laura the night that Stephanie died. Thinking of you all. x
I am so sorry to hear about Stephanie, sending love and hugs. I am glad you were comforted about your friend Laura being with her. Happy anniversary to you both
ReplyDeleteThat's nice that Laura was there with you in hospital, what comfort it could have been given the circumstances with Stephanie. Happy anniversary, hope you were able to have some small celebration in that. Sounds like school/parents' information could have been more appropriate. We've just done line management training which said if we had colleagues on long term absence, we should be led by them on what they'd like us to tell people. As you say, some people would rather people know, better than the person involved coming back in after and having to go over and over what may have been a traumatic time off
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