Monday 14 October 2024

2024 Week 41 - One Daily Positive, Project 365 and A Selfie a Day. The week our daughter died.

I've written this blog post on Sunday. I've found writing very cathartic in the past when my father died, being able to look back in time and reflect. We never saw this coming. We've been extremely busy with phone calls and trips back and forth to Gloucester, but in-between there has been a lot of silence, tears, talking, staring into space and we seem to be tag teaming, one of us is functioning, the other isn't coping. We're looking after each other.

This isn't an easy read.

281  Monday Life changed today. It started off normally but by 1pm it became clear that our eldest child, Stephanie had gone from being unwell to potentially quite poorly and I left work with Peter and we intended to be in Gloucester should we be needed at the hospital at any point. By the time we arrived in Gloucester at 2.24pm, the hospital staff had asked us to come in. We waited for her to come back from a scan and at 4pm they said she would probably need surgery. At 4.30pm she would need surgery or would likely die without it. At 4.45pm it was likely she would not survive the surgery. At 5pm it was unlikely she would not survive to make it to surgery. Peter and I raced after the team as they rushed her up to theatre and as the doors shut, we knew she wouldn't make it. At 6.30pm they called us into the relatives room and at 7.15pm we held her hand and sat with her they withdrew life support. We called her brothers. We drove home in total shock.

Weekly bin lorry photo sent to Grandson.


282  Tuesday Little sleep, lots of calls, messages,  child 2 and his wife arrived for the day, chips were eaten and lots of tea drunk, afternoon naps, lots of tears, disbelief. So much to think about, so much to process. So much pain. My work colleagues have been amazing, I reached out in the WhatsApp group and met a friend for coffee, another colleague came to visit Peter to keep him company while I was out.

Found a raspberry growing in the garden.


283  Wednesday We had an appointment to collect the death certificate, then within in 2 hours her funeral was booked. We've had a very difficult time with her mother for the past 25 years. Stephanie and her brother lived with us after their separation. My 3 boys have never known a life without Stephanie in it. I'm only here to tell Stephanie's story, but the three of there were there with Stephanie when she died, we've made the music, flower, service choices together. Peter and I are writing the eulogy, organising the photos and Stephanies brothers will be her pallbearers. Home in a daze, there was an offer of coffee, it's doing me good to get out and for Peter and I to take a break from each other.

Child 3 is flying over from Australia and requested Marmite.


284  Thursday Ophthalmology Worcester Royal Hospital 6 monthly check up. I've been signed off now, the condition has almost completely improved since the migraines have gone from 15 a month to 2-3 a month. We then drove over to Stephanie's home to collect her photos and some of her belongings. Apart from clothes, she didn't have much. Stephanie wasn't aware she could have choices, therefore she didn't have favourites, her clothes were purchased by numerous people, selected for her to wear every day and she was dressed top to toe. I picked up a cushion and a couple of soft toys to give to her siblings at keepsakes which I'd bought for her previously. Her room still smelt of her. Peter found this the hardest. Evening spent sorting through photos.

Is there such a thing as a sign?


285  Friday There is only 1 photo of her and her mother, it was damaged in the frame. I took it into town to see if they can get a digital repair for us, they will have it by Saturday. I was in such a state, the hate, the bitterness, the past came flooded out. Why am I always the good person, why I am the one who is always brave who looks after everyone. It's her photo, it's her fault she didn't take more, it's her fault I'm here right now in so much pain, grieving the loss of a child, yet here I am doing her a favour. I was violently sick. I dove myself to the Dr and asked for help.

Peter's mum and sister came up for the day. Work colleagues arrived with a fantastic food basket. We ate properly for the first time this week. I had 8 hours solid sleep and Peter had 10 hours. 

Selfies are back. Last day of Grandsons holiday in Spain, he's so excited to be seeing his Daddy tomorrow who has flown home early from Kenya, he doesn't know why, but he's going to make the most of it before he has to return after the funeral.

286  Saturday Today was a booked visit to take Stephanie out for the day for Peter's birthday. I'd bought cake. Instead we went down the retail park. Peter had his flu jab and did a food shop. I met another colleague for a coffee. 


Child 2, his wife and granddaughter came in the evening as planned and we ate cake, and started to sort through old family photos, carved melons and decorated the house for halloween, using the decorations I'd bought for Stephanie for her care home.

287  Sunday We asked the family to leave mid morning as we had the eulogy to write, photos to upload for the funeral service, beds to make, a house to clean, photo albums to put away. We're exhausted. We just need time to be. A friend did a door step drop with a card and flowers. We invited her in, but I think she could see how exhausted we were.


Books read this week: 0

Words written towards book: 0

Clothes bought: 0

On the blog this week: Days out in the campervan

What made me happy this week: The boys are all coming home. There has been some happy news this week amongst the sadness. We' already knew we had some amazing friends, but how they've managed to step up yet another gear has astounded us.

Memories, flowers friends, 



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6 comments:

  1. Sending massive love and hugs to you and your family. What an awful week for you all. I am so sorry about Stephanie. My thoughts are with you all.
    I am glad you have had some good news during the week, the fewer migraines and being signed off from the hospital must be a relief. x

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  2. So hard to know what to say. Sorry you're all going through this, a horrible week. Thoughts are with you as the days go by.
    Glad you've had good friends and colleagues to help support, and that family have been able to come in too.

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  3. I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your lovely Stephanie and for all the pain that you've had to endure this week and will continue to endure in the days ahead. There are no words that make any of this any easier, and I wish with all my heart that you and your family weren't walking this path, but you are held in love by so many people and I hope that love will help give you strength in the days ahead. Keeping you all in my thoughts and sending so much love your way xx

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