2024 Week 42 - One Daily Positive, Project 365 and A Selfie a Day. Stephanie.

I know things will get easier, I there will be a new normal. Throughout the past two weeks there has been some laughter, some normality, but there has mostly been tears, pain and a feeling that this sadness will never go away. It's been absolutely fantastic to have all the boys and their families back under one roof, but the second they arrived I was dreading them leaving and at the same time, just wanting some time alone for Peter and I to process the whole situation, but as they left one by one and child 3 was still getting his head around the jet lag and going to bed early, we were like 'come back, don't leave us' 

288  Monday A very busy day. I collected some photos from town. A friend from work came round to help me make the beds and for a chat. Her husband picked us up and dropped me at the nail bar as Peter had gone into Worcester for a hair cut. I had a wobble about going out. I felt really panicky. Peter picked me up and we had a coffee. I realised later that 1.10pm, when we left the house was the same time I'd left work last week to go to the hospital. Peter did a pile of ironing, I did the cleaning, we tried to keep ourselves busy but it was inevitable at 7.15pm we both stopped and watched the clock tick past to the time Stephanie died. How can it be a week already? I sorted my clothes for the funeral and spent nearly 2 hours on a video call with my friend. Son started his epic 29 hour trip from Australia.

289  Tuesday Waking up is hard, feels like Groundhog Day. I sat and drank tea, scanned some photos and watched an episode of Eastenders. It's getting ready cold now in the mornings. We did a food shop, filled the car, had a coffee then set off to Gatwick to collect child 3 from his flight from Australia. I drove the first part of the journey. After collecting him, Peter took over the driving and it was up to collect Child 4 and his wife from their flight from Belfast. With child 4 having initially flown home from Kenya on Saturday and his wife from Spain on Sunday. Her parents are looking after our grandson. We got home at 10pm.

290  Wednesday I went out at 9am with child 4 to collect the flowers and have a coffee whilst the household were having showers and breakfast. My friend from work turned up at the coffee shop and gave us a hug. The funeral was in Gloucester. We were early so stopped at the Starbucks where Peter and I used to take Stephanie all the time. Dressed in our funeral attire with 3 extra people one of the staff there came over, recognising us and you could tell by the look on her face that she knew whose funeral we were going to, she'd been incredibly kind and helpful to us with Stephanie over the past 3 years. 

After the eulogy and Peter read his letter to Stephanie I switched off, it was too much. My friend Kath who I met the night my father died and my oldest friends daughter, who is a theatre nurse and was on duty at the hospital the night Stephanie died and offered us great comfort that night came to the funeral also.

Afterwards the care home staff went back to the home. We said our goodbyes we came home for a McDonalds, Stephanies favourite meal and for our own private goodbye and share memories. Peter's family joined us.

291  Thursday Child 2, his wife and our granddaughter came up for the day to visit. A walk to the park, a coffee, general lazing around. Sad goodbye late afternoon as child 4 and DIL flew home. We're visiting in half term, no idea yet, if child 4 has to fly back out to Kenya. Granddaughter went home, we had dinner and I went to bed early. There were several phone calls with friends. 

We planted Angel Wings Tulips Granddaughter 'There you go Stephanie, stay hydrated'

292  Friday The plan was to scatter Stephanie's ashes today. Peters ex wife collected them, she doesn't want me there. But Peter does. I'm ok with that. But I will be driving with him and waiting for him, that's his wishes. Originally Peter said she could have the ashes. We'd both said our goodbyes to Stephanie on Wednesday. Now apparently Peter thinks more of me than he does his dead daughter's ashes. We've spent the past 11 days waiting for something, some final act of revenge, some argument. She holds nothing over us now, there's no contact between her and her son, I'm granny and always will be. It gives neither of us any satisfaction. Stephanie brought our family together. I only met Peter because his ex wife walked out on the family and I was asked by social services to provide after school care for Stephanie while he was working. I've actually known Stephanie since she was 8 years old, I worked in a respite facility. I knew the mother, but I'd never met Peter. In total that's 28 years of Stephanies life.

We've no energy to fight, we have no need to fight, we have each other and our family.

It's been a very difficult 25 years, very difficult. We've fought the same battles for Stephanie, from separate corners. But for the past 11 days there has been a lot of talking, a lot of working together. We've shared the most wonderful daughter. We were all at the hospital together last Monday, we all received the same news together, we've been right by her side as she took her last breath, we share the same grief. We've hugged, we've cried. She asked for Stephanies brothers to be her pallbearers. We won't be friends, we won't see each other again. I've no anger left towards her. She knows things could've been different, but now is not the time and never will be. It's sad enough as it is. We'll go our separate ways now.

We went to Gloucester to sort out Stephanie's finances and pay her outstanding care bills. We didn't get to scatter Stephanie's ashes. We don't know where they are, what's happened to them.

I spent the evening with friends, I cried, I was hugged. Peter went out with child 3. We needed the space apart, we needed to get out and do something that was 'normal' 

293  Saturday I woke early, but had a good sleep. I wake each morning in tears, I find it helpful to sit and blog, write down how I'm feeling, write letters to Stephanie, write letters to her biological mother, some have been kind, most have been full of how life could've so different for her, how I was so open to her having a relationship with her son and her granddaughter, how I willing to support and facilitate that, not for her, but for her son and granddaughter, but they'll never be posted or published. I don'; have the energy or the desire. I've spent my entire life trying to help others. From now on it's just me and my family. Sadly this past 2 weeks, I've noticed just as much the absence as I've noticed those that have been here for us.

We took child 3 to visit his dad and his grandmother, we called in at my mums, went for coffee and just wandered around killing some time. Then off to child 2, his wife and granddaughter's. Her parents were there doing some work to the house. Child 3 was dropped off to say his goodbyes to his brother and niece and we got home around 6pm.

294  Sunday I went out for a coffee with a friend, no set time, just when I was ready, she was waiting for my call. Then we had a roast in the pub and home for a lazy afternoon in front of the TV and a spot of ironing.

Books read this week: 0

Words written towards book: 0

Clothes bought: 0

On the blog this week: Dealing with grief - Written and scheduled 2 weeks before Stephanie died. 

Things that have made me happy this week: Friends, McDonald's, grandchildren, memories.

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter