The build up to this week has been horrendous. I always do this. I self sabotage. I'm on a sabbatical from work for a month after only a week of starting a new job. I try and put things into place knowing that I'm going to struggle. I think positive, I speak out, ask for help and say what I need, but no one listens. I self destruct, I get angry, I start to switch off, I want to be on my own. I want to run away.
Then as the day gets nearer, the anger subsides, the fear is lessened and my head is clearer and I'm free to just grieve, just cry and mourn the loss of Stephanie for what she meant to me, the loss not only just for Stephanie, but for me, my future without her.
No one grieves for or misses Stephanie other than Peter and I, or at least tells us that they do. No one else understands the impact Stephanie had on our lives, our little bit of the world and few understand the impact of how our lives are affected by the loss of Stephanie.
Only a few people were capable of loving Stephanie.
Sunday
Day 277 Slept till 8am. Packed up the van and met friends at the retail park in Newport for coffee. Home to find this rose on the doorstep from my lovely friend Amy, I was in tears when I saw its name. We unpacked the van, had dinner and just chilled out for the evening, mostly with the cat taking it in turns to claim us.
Monday
Day 278 Peters birthday and after a lie in and a lazy morning, we drove into town for a coffee and a walk round, did some shopping and home to do some work in the garden. Video calls with two of the kids and a nice relaxing day together. Clear blue skies and warm weather.
Tuesday
Day 279 We marked the first anniversary of Stephanie’s death with a visit to the Forest of Dean to lay flowers in a place that is special to us. We had lunch and drove home. There were flowers from child 2 in Northern Ireland and a video call with our grandson who wanted me to play with the paw patrol tower in his bedroom in our house. We spent the evening in front of the tv refusing to acknowledge the clock as we’d decided we didn’t want to relive the day, just the happy times.
Wednesday
Day 280 A difficult day. I went out to source a plumber and some brochures for new bathrooms whilst Peter started work on the downstairs loo. I had a coffee and picked up a couple of gifts. Home to spend the afternoon messaging my cousin in America, she’s been the most amazing support this year despite losing her mother. These gorgeous flowers arrived from her. Early bath, dinner and another evening in front of the tv.
Thursday
Day 281 Morning spent searching for Chase. Granddaughter did a good job tidying after her visit but grandson was concerned things weren’t back in the right place. I also rehoused all the coats and shoes from the downstairs loo whilst Peter is decorating and I packed up all the gifts I’m taking for birthdays and Christmas to Northern Ireland at the end of the month. In the afternoon I visited my old student for an hour, went into Worcester for a coffee and new trainers then met two friends to watch Downton Abbey at the cinema.
Friday
Day 282 After a lazy morning in bed till midday I finally got up and started my couch to 5k on the NHS app. I surprised myself and really enjoyed it. We went out for coffee, I finished reading a book and after dinner we watched tv.
Saturday
Day 283 We headed out to Hanbury Park near Droitwich for the day. Enjoying a 4 mile walk, making coffee in the van and having a picnic before exploring the house. Home to change some photos in frames and make up some new ones, pack a Christmas box for my cousin in America and son in Australia and start making some Christmas cards.
Things to make you smile:
Playing with grandson over a video call with the Paw Patrol Tower, we couldn't find Chase and his suggestion was I booked a ferry, travelled over in the camper van and he'd give me one of his so we could play together.
Things that made me happy:
Discovering I can actually run. I downloaded the couch to 5k app, bought new running trainers (mine gave up life on holiday) and I completed my first session with a walk/run of 2.5 miles in 28 minutes and I've signed up to my first park fun in November.
On the blog this week:
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