Word of the Week - (Uneccessary) UPSET

Many would say I'm always upset. Life is full of upset.

In general I always feel that just when life is ticking along nicely, something comes along to upset things.

However when you're general level of life is GAD and depression with a touch of PTSD thrown in, a little upset causes a major disturbance.

I'm looking for a new job. My current role has come to an end. I started work at a local secondary school as a Teaching Assistant in February 2022. 

In my interview when asked where I saw myself 5 years from now, I replied 'working as a Teaching Assistant in this school' 

7 months later there was a change to role and with this change I was required to terminate my full time permanent contract and accept a 2 year temporary one. I did this willingly with full knowledge that there was no guarantee of a job at the end of the contract. 

In the months leading up to role ending 'yep, there will be plenty of work in September for you' and then came my letter saying goodbye.

Well I didn't take it lightly and I fought bloody hard to keep working at the school and I was offered a new role as Alternative Provision and Academic Tutor, on a one year temporary contract.

In February I was warned this role was unlikely to be renewed. So looking at booking a trip to Australia and realising we could save over £2000 on flights alone by going August-September instead of July-August, we went ahead and booked.

So there we were in March/April before my formal letter arrived knowing I wouldn't be back at the school in September anyway.

I'm very sad to be leaving, I'm very disappointed there is 'no suitable alternative employment' on offer.

But this week when I got my letter to say my temporary contract was ending it read: 'dismissal' (when challenged this was retracted) but it has left a very bitter taste in my mouth. It caused a lot of stress and upset and has set me back several months in terms of not wanting to leave the house and go to work anymore.

It's been a very tough 7-8 months. Our daughter died 6 weeks into the start of the school year. I was off for 7 weeks and then returned part time for 7 weeks. I've also had a 2 week period off just before Easter with ill health and ended up in hospital, but I've given my all to my job, I always do and it's not just a case of working somewhere else.

When you work in a school you belong to a community and it's going to be hard to say goodbye. 

Do you worry about upsetting others? when they're upsetting you?

I get myself in such a pickle...I've lost count the number of times I've sat there, being told what I've said, done or talking about doing is upsetting them. Be it because they can't afford it, don't agree with me, or think I'm dreaming and are worried I'll end up getting hurt.

I always find people feel they can say anything they want to me and me, being me sits there, worrying about how it would upset them if I told them 'please don't speak to me like that, I'm upset by your comments' because I know it would upset them, that we would have issues, that they would reply 'why can't you just listen, realise you're making a mistake, you're upseeting me with your reaction...I was only saying...'

But that's not my problem any more, I'm going to stop being polite, stop agreeing with them because I don't want to upset them, stop worrying about their feelings when something they say upsets me.

It's not my problem anymore, they obviously don't think it's their problem how I react to a 'few home truths' So from now on I shall say 'your comments are upsetting me, I don't like the way you feel you can critisie my choices, I was only telling you because I thought you'd be interested, not so you could judge me so openly' and if my response upsets them, that's their problem, I won't say it with malice. I shall just say it the same way they do to me and I'll not worry about the consequences, if they're grown up enough to tell me, then they can deal with how it makes me feel and I'll not worry about their feelings, that's their problem.