I went to see the doctor on Monday. I'm really struggling with Stephanie dying. Although Stephanie was disabled she did not have a life limiting disability and it has been an assumption of a few people that she had. Regardless of that it's been a cruel assumption that we would have been prepared, that we must feel some kind of relief and at least the guilt and almost burden of worrying about her has come to an end. She was just like our 4 other children. She had left home, was living independently. Our boys network is their partners, friends, workplace, hers was the two other people she lived with and her care staff. We saw her once or twice a month, had weekly contact with her care staff. We had her annual care/financial review plans, fully involved in her medical appointments, what went on in her day to day life. Not only has Stephanie's life come to an end but also a huge part of what we did has stopped abruptly. We're not only grieving for the loss of our daughter, but we're having to come to terms with the change in our lives, our future, our reasons for why we came back to the UK, living where we do, doing what we do also.
302 Monday We drove down to Ross-on-Wye to meet my friend Laura to collect my handbag I'd left at her mums yesterday. We had a Starbucks and a chat. I dropped Peter home then headed up to Bromsgrove to the retina clinic for my 6 monthly check up. Our friends from Germany arrived before I got back. We stayed up chatting.
303 Tuesday Up and off into town for coffee and a walk up the Malvern Hills, followed by a trip into the retail park for a wedding haircut and shoes for our visitors. Home for the afternoon and I popped to the Dr's and a quick coffee with a friend. Out for dinner in town.
304 Wednesday Our friends left at 10am. I don't think we've been the best company this week, but as good friends they've fully understood. We met them when we lived in South Africa. I last visited them in Germany in 2018, they have family in Plymouth and we popped down to see them in October 2021, they came to us in February 2022.
We packed the car and drove up to Birkenhead, stopping at Cheshire Oaks for dinner and sailed to Belfast, a good crossing.
305 Thursday We arrived with DIL and Grandson at 7.30am and straight into a full day of activities. Cake making, balloons, shopping, dog walking, carving pumpkins, colouring in and generally making a lot of mess, lots of laughter and having a lot of fun. We so both really needed it. There were a couple of moments when we both felt really sad, but I guess that underlying sadness will just become part of us now. It doesn't mean we'll never be happy again. We visited the out laws (DILs parents) for dinner, then we took grandson out trick or treating to fill up his sweetie bag, he loved up. It's becoming our annual tradition.
November
306 Friday Grandson loves going out in our caravan (camper van) after breakfast we headed out to Belfast Zoo for the day. his daddy (child 4) is in Kenya, so we went to see all the animals to send daddy pictures. We stopped off to buy tea, watched TV, there were bubbles at bath time and a dog walk.
307 Saturday We popped into town for a baby chino and cake. We celebrated grandsons 3rd birthday 3 days early, we brought over gifts from his uncle, aunty and cousin (child 2 and family) and my mum. There was cake also. The outlaws came to say bye and shared the cake with us. After dinner we packed up the car, loaded Bailey, said our goodbyes and headed off to the port.
We're bringing Bailey back with his, their 10 month old Springer to give DIL a break while son is away. It'll also be good for me to have some company while Peter is away for the next couple of weeks.
308 Sunday Docked at 7am and drove home. We stopped for coffee and a poo and wee stop for Bailey at Keene. Bailey had a good journey, we made it 7 miles from home before the next wee stop. Car unpacked and Bailey and I headed to the retail park for coffee with my friend. Late afternoon I did a food shop. Bailey didn't settle in the crate and barked and howled. I eventually got up and slept on the sofa with her, she slept all night till 6am. The cat is disgruntled with us, no more than usual.
Books read this week: 0
Words written towards book: 0
Clothes bought: 0
On the blog this week: My garden in October
Things that made me happy this week:
Family and friends.
Sending love and hugs. I hope the doctor could help a little. Even if your daughter did have a life limiting disability I don't think it's something you could ever be prepared for.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have had a busy week. What great fun you had with your Grandson, happy birthday to him.
thank you
DeleteI am so sorry for your loss. People can be so mean. I cannot imagine how it feels to lose a child, I don't know what comforting words to say besides that I am sorry you are going through this and that you have my sympathy.
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday to your grandson.
Thank you for your kind words x
DeleteOh my goodness, people say the most horrendous things. Nothing in the world prepares you for losing a child or eases the pain of that loss, whether they have a disability or not, whether they’re in care or not, or whether you know that they could die young. I’m so sorry you’ve been on the receiving end of such inconsiderate and hurtful comments. I’m glad you had some happy moments with your grandson. Rob Delaney once described the emotions after losing a child as being like a rainbow, only with a band of black added. All the happy emotions are still there, and will still come, but there will always be the sadness there too. I’ve found the rainbow analogy helpful when it comes to emotions and feelings. It looks like you had a nice day at the zoo. Happy 3rd birthday to your grandson. I can't quite believe he is 3 already. Bailey looks like a lovely dog. Hopefully having his company around helps a little. Much love to you all x
ReplyDeleteBailey has been a great support to me to me over the past week. It was lovey to spend time with our grandson also and to make new and happy memories with him.
ReplyDelete