I've a list as long as my arm and it frightens me. Actually I have two lists, a fun one which is painting, Christmas decorations, etc, the second list is things like pension, boiler service, car windscreen repair and other stuff that has to be done. The second list frightens me. I hate doing things like this, it stresses me out.
Everything causes me stress these days, always has. I'm not good at stuff like this, just because I get these things done, doesn't mean I'm good at it. I hate having dates and times in the diary. I hate having to think about a million and one other things. I keep thinking about going back to work, then panic about being back in the last place where things were normal before Stephanie died. I hate Monday mornings, I hate going to sleep at night, waking in the morning, knowing Stephanie has died and going through all those emotions again. I start therapy on Thursday. I'm seeing the GP. In between I'm functioning.
309 Monday I spent the night on the sofa due to Bailey barking and whining. Decided it would be best for her to spend more time getting used to the crate, she's obviously missing the other dog, Molly, so while she's in the crate during the day, I'm ignoring her but sitting in the same room, leaving her alone for longer periods of time while I pop out the room to watch a bit of tv, put the kettle on etc. Peter did some ironing then we headed up the hills and into town for a coffee. Bailey is loving the all the walking. Evening spent in front of the TV and Peter packed for his trip away.
310 Tuesday Peter left at 9.15am for his train to the airport. Bailey and I walked home and I had a call with a therapist to make a plan for helping me comes to terms with Stephanie's death and process unfinished issues around my father's sudden death also back in 2017. In the afternoon I got all the Christmas decorations down so I could start to clear out the loft room and finally get rid of some of the stuff of my father's I'd been hoarding (meaning to sort and sell) I ended up putting up the Christmas trees and sorting through the decorations. Bailey and I walked to the coffee shop to meet friends.
311 Wednesday Early start and a walk. Home to finish putting up the Christmas decorations. Early evening walk to the retail park to meet a friend after work, tea, TV. I tided up the lounge and put the boxes away, another dog walk, bath and bed.
312 Thursday A Dog walk, then some tidying up of the house, dog bed washing, tidied up the crate, decorated the dining room table, fiddled around with broken fairy lights, sorted through paperwork, then into Ledbury for coffee and to my first appointment for therapy to untangle an awful lot of trauma, stress and anxiety that has been overloading me for many years. It's going to be a long journey, but already I know I should've done this a long time ago. Home, tea, dog walk, bath, TV and bed.
313 Friday Quick dog walk, off to Newent garden centre to meet my friend with Bailey. Afternoon spent pottering around tidying things up. I took Bailey out for a longer walk early evening, tea, bath and before bed Bailey and I went for a shorter walk around the block in an effort to see if we can stop the night time pooping.
Peter promised me after Stephanie died he'd be more patient with me with photos.
314 Saturday Started the day with a coffee and breakfast at home, just chilling out. I sorted through some birthday cards and Christmas gifts and put a summer plant in the shed along with the sun umbrella and popped to Morrisons to do a food shop. Bailey and I walked to the retail park to meet my friend, Mel for coffee. Two other friends happened to be there with their families so we all joined up and spent almost 2 hours together, it was lovely just to chat about other things. Walked home, had an early dinner, watched TV, paid two more of Stephanie's bills from her estate. Had a bath, walked Bailey and in bed by 10pm.
315 Sunday I got the dolls house out the attic and sort out the paint I needed. Had a call with my friends in Germany, then caught the train into Worcester with Bailey for Remembrance Sunday and then met up with my friend for a coffee. We bumped into another friend. Home to drop off Bailey then into town to pick up a bit of shopping. I managed two layers of paint on the dolls house, wrapped up a couple of Christmas gifts, watched Nanny McPhee 2, had a bath, watched more TV, walked Bailey and bed.
Books read this week: 0
Words written towards book: 0
Clothes bought: 0
On the blog this week: Days out in the camper van
Things that made me happy this week:
Bailey, friends, putting the Christmas decorations up, finding old photos of Stephanie online.
Ugh! I don't like the sound of your second list that you need to do. Just take one at a time and enjoy your fun list when you can. Good luck with the therapy.
ReplyDeleteAww! Poor Bailey, it sounds like you are doing all you can to get her settled. I hope she has got used to her crate.
Aw, Bailey's so sweet. Hopefully getting settled more now. Sounds like the therapy is a good thing to have someone external to speak to and find your way through everything.
ReplyDeleteBailey is settling in really well
DeleteThere’s a phrase I often come back to when people think that I’m good at coping with things just because I get things done – “just because I seem to carry it well, it doesn’t mean it’s not heavy”. Going back to “normal” again after a huge bereavement is hard because of those reminders of life as it once was, and knowing that your life has forever changed. I’m glad you have therapy and support from your GP to help you through and are meeting up with friends regularly too. Those photos of Stephanie riding the horse are lovely. Finding “new” photos is so nice. I love it when I come across old photos of Jessica or ones that others send that I don’t remember seeing before x
ReplyDeleteI must go back through all the emails from her staff with photos attached from days out over the years
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