I have the confidence to fail

Failure, although painful is a great learning tool, without it, I fear my life would be boring, I certainly wouldn't have achieved half the things I have done without it.

What other people often see as failure to them isn't actual failure to me.

Without a failed relationship and marriage I certainly wouldn't have had my 3 kids, my husband now, 2 step kids and a life abroad.

Our marriage hasn't been easy with 5 kids, living abroad has also been challenging and at many points on our journey we could have been perceived to have failed, but we didn't pack it all in and return home, that would have brought with it a whole new set of things we could've failed at, work, finances, our relationship.

Failure means lack of success. Who determines what success is? If I attempt something and I fail, is it really a failure? I did my best with what ever knowledge and resources that were available to me, maybe I just wasn't prepared properly, I'll learn from it, re group and try again.

Failure means the neglect or omission of expected or required action. If I do nothing, then by default I have failed right from the start.

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I amaze myself often, people say they have no idea how I cope with some of the stuff I deal with. I don't choose to deal with most of this stuff, it just happens and I guess I just get on with it.

I do things because a) they have to be done, b) I have the time and resources to do things and c) I quite like a challenge.

I don't choose to make things difficult, people just love to drag stuff out of me, they want to hear the drama, add to it, make the task sounds 10 times worse and if I quietly get on with things, they think I'm keeping stuff from them, hiding things, when the reality is I really just don't have time to go through the details with them, with people who can't actually help, don't want to help and are not so secretly just waiting for me to fall flat on my face.

So I've decided I really don't have time for that anymore, I'll just do what I have to do, when I have to do it, if they think I'm being evasive, so what? If they think I'm hiding things? I'll ask them exactly what they think I'm hiding and what they think I'm gaining by giving up my time and energy to help others in the way I do.

I find by trying things, by tackling difficult issues I end up inspiring people in one of two ways:

• inspire confidence in others
• to inspire a person with distrust

I don't set out to inspire confidence in others, I set out to complete a task. However it appears that by completing the task, however difficult or time consuming, I often inspire distrust in others. That I'm only doing something for personal gains, that I'm receiving some kind of financial reward for my efforts. That I make others feel inferior because they see the task as too difficult, too time consuming and are overwhelmed.

I wasn't born with problem solving skills and knowledge. I didn't reach 46 years of age without learning a few things along the way. I've also made myself ill, caused myself unnecessary stress, taken on too much and attempted to do things without the correct tools and the right preparation. But I learn from it all. I'm starting to ask for help, say when I get over whelmed and need a break, realise my own limits and am now sticking up to fingers to those who wait for me to fail, at least I'm trying.

Why I quit teaching in Dubai

I'm a good teacher. In fact, according to my last Governors Observation, I'm actually a very good teacher.

I'm also organised and work well under pressure, my data is always up to date, my planning is always ready on the weekend, my gap analysis is under close scrutiny and I differentiate my planning for the children.

Having an occupation for me, forms part of my identity, something I lost when we became expats in 2011.

I was always 'Hi, I'm Suzanne, a wife, mother to 5 and a teacher'

It has always been important to me to be able to say that.

Suddenly over night I became 'Suzanne, a wife and a mother to 2'

Then I became 'Suzanne, Peter's wife' as we moved to Dubai and the kids left home.

I needed to reinvent myself, I needed to feel that I was something more than just 'Peter's wife' So I took a job teaching British Curriculum in an Arabic School in FS1.

But it wasn't for me. Having not worked for 5 years, I needed something that defined me. I blog, but I don't describe myself as a blogger or writer and I certainly didn't earn a living from it.

I spent 4 years in South Africa as a volunteer working with children's charities.

But everything in my life started with 'When I lived in South Africa I was a .........' Prior to that it was 'When I lived in the UK I was a ...........'

I needed something for the 'now' and I got it wrong.

As much as I loved teaching the children, I wasn't trained to work with this age group, I had no phonic's training or training on how to teach a child to hold a pencil, let alone work on letter formation and blending words.

But I learnt, I hadn't written a formal lesson plan for 5 years.

But I'd also never worked under such close scrutiny, never had to deal with unannounced short deadlines for inputting data and all of a sudden being told the data needed to be entered in a completely different way than the last time. I'd never in my entire life been observed so much, not even when I did my Teacher Training. I'd never had to work 12 hour days, work most weekends and still be told that being very good just wasn't good enough, that I could be better, I could achieve more and then being given a deadline in which to improve myself.

My background is teaching special needs, yet I felt I was being taught how to suck eggs. I'd worked in Child Welfare, multi agency, yet I wasn't allowed to work off my own initiative.

I felt I was being moulded into a one size fits all mould. My planning had to be done in a certain way, my activities had to be the same as the other teachers, my resources were often used, yet little was shared back. Then I was told I had to treat the children as individuals, teach them according to their needs, it would appear no one actually read my planning that was differentiated, colour coded according to ability, language and special needs.

I could have done so much more if I'd been allowed my individuality, if I hadn't been lumped in with everyone else, if I wasn't dragged into meetings for group discussions on the importance of submitting planning on time, setting up classrooms, use of resources, when I clearly did mine, above and beyond what was asked for.

But it seems that the more I did, the more I was asked to do, until in the end I felt like I just wasn't good enough, like I was failing.

I don't know if it was the management, the demands of the British Curriculum, the environment in which I was working, me or a combination of the above, but I decided enough was enough and I quit.

So now I'm back to being 'Suzanne, Peter's wife'

The sad part is that on reflection, I could have played the game till the end of the school year, I wasn't struggling with the teaching or the paperwork, I was struggling because I just didn't feel good enough.

I feel good enough to be Peter's wife though. I'll just have to find another way to reinvent myself for the rest of the world.

Do expats ever settle? I am not a failure. I am a success.

I'm NOT fullfilled, I'm NOT happy, I've talked about depression and all the other crap that goes with being an #expat.

It's NOT just me, I've reached out to 100's of expats online, via groups (face to face meetings) and it doesn't matter if you're from the UK living in South Africa (me), Japan, Saudi, USA or from any other country living anywhere else. It's bloody hard work being an expat.

Lonely, alien, frustrating, well you'd expect that wouldn't you for the first few months, maybe even a year, But, 2 years on? come on someone please slap me with a wet fish, wake me up, give me Dorothy's red slippers and wave your wand and send me home please.

But home is where now? I've lost friends, people lose interest. They think you are living in Paradise, but they forget you still have the same struggles, health, finances, kids, education etc, etc. But they don't see the other issues you have of not knowing a single person, not being able to get in the car and popping round to see your mum, not knowing how anything works. It's not as if you can ask someone to recommend where you buy your car tax from when it's called something completly different.

Everyone seems to think that the constant sunshine solves all evils and a dip in the pool will cheer me up.

I NEED a job, not for financial reasons, but for self satisification. I volunteer with Adults with disabilities and Children with mental health issues. I work in townships, with children who are orphaned by AIDS, I give and I get short term satisfaction from it. I've learnt new skills, to sew, written a book (needs editing and a publisher) I can name different types of species of birds and antelopes. I have made friends, I've established a network, but I'm still struggling.

Don't tell me to shut up moaning, I have my health, the love of my family etc. " years out of 41 years is a very short time in which to adapt and as an expat there is always the fear that sticks will be uprooted sooner rather than later, a constant feeling of insecurity and imminent change don't just lurk on the horizon, it lives with you.

I've spent two years feeling like a failure. I no longer have a career, can't call myself a SAHM, and if you know me, you'll understand why I don't want to play golf and join the expat wife scene.

Every experience I've had since we moved here has been because of other people. I've certainly made the most of the sunshine, pool, wildlife, voluntary work, holidays, because that's what I do...I survive. But it was all over shadowed by the lack of care, support and help and broken promises. That, I now realise was and still is out of my control. I have made our families transistion to South Africa a success, I had no help, knew no one, knew nothing.

I AM A SUCCESS. I MOVED MY FAMILY 6000 MILES AWAY TO THE BOTTOM OF THE WORLD, TO A COUNTRY THAT IS FAMED FOR ITS VIOLENCE. MY HUSBAND IS ABLE TO DO HIS JOB, MY CHILDREN HAVE A FANTASTIC LIFESTYLE, EDUCATION AND OPPORTUNITIES.

I NEED TO CELEBRATE THAT, NOT MOURN WHAT I'VE LOST....BECAUSE I'VE GAINED MORE THAN I NEVER KNEW WAS POSSIBLE AND OK I MAY FEEL A LITTLE OVERWHELMED BY IT ALL FROM TIME TO TIME AND I HAVE TO ALLOW MYSELF THAT FEELING. WHO KNOWS WHAT MAY COME OF THIS.