Life goes on - without Stephanie

'Give it a year and a day'

'It'll be easier once you've got through all those firsts'

'Life goes on'

Our last visit with Stephanie. We had no idea.

Yes it is getting easier going through all those firsts.

But not because it gets easier, but because all those firsts hit you like a ton of bricks and the rawness of her death hits so bloody hard. But as the next first approaches, you start to prepare. Book the day off work, book something nice to do on the day.

Christmas - not being able to buy presents and write her card, get gifts for the staff, visit her, take her out. I did a non Christmas shopping trip for Stephanie to get things out my system. I already had a bit of a list going before she died in October. I picked things up, I checked the size, the ingredients on treats and toiletries, then I put it back down on the shelf. We bought gifts and a card for the staff and dropped it round as we always did, just this time Stephanie wasn't there. 

I miss wiping her spit of my hands and arms and coat, miss my hair being pulled and I wear it down now more often, I struggled to find a disabled toilet that is clean enough to use.

9 months on when I use a public toilet I still check to see if the disabled one is clean. I can't help it. I did it all the time when I was out, so I knew where I could take her next time on a day out. The trend was if it was clean once, it'll be clean 90% of the time and staff would be receptive to freshening it up if I asked.

For Halloween, Valentines and Easter I'd put together a little parcel of gifts. Things to decorate her room and something to eat and wear.

I send these boxes to the grandchildren as well. Now I pop in a little treat for me and I send the decorations to my son and his girlfriend in Australia, instead.  I still get to buy all the things, I still get to send them.

Stephanie's birthday - I couldn't face work and called in sick. We went to Clifton in Bristol. Her boarding school where she lived from the age of 12-18. We had her home almost every weekend, driving down after work on a Friday with her 4 brothers in tow and back up the motorway home. A 3 hour trip. Drop offs on the Sunday would usually be just the one of us. Or we'd go down as a family on a Saturday and visit her grandmother and cousins.

Mother's Day and Father's Day - These were hard. We still have mother's to buy for, we still have children who will send cards and buy for us. Mother's Day snook up on me because of this. Remembering you're still a mum, but there is one child missing.

On Father's Day we went to Gloucester, for a coffee and some shopping where we used to take her. It doesn't make us feel closer to her, it's just part of our routine that stopped when she died.

My birthday last month, in June. I had some gorgeous flowers from family and friends. The last time we had this many flowers was when Stephanie died. It was nice to have bright, colourful flowers to change the image in my head from before.

Holidays are still a struggle. We would send a card and buy her a gift. We went to Las Vegas over Christmas just to be a million miles away. I sent a postcard to the staff and bought them a t towel for the kitchen. It gave us an excuse to pop back in.

We won't be popping back in again though. There's a new person in her room, some of the staff have changed. But we've decided we'll send our last holiday post card from Australia next month.

That just leaves the last day memory that we saw her and Peter's birthday. The day before she died.

We deliberated going to visit her for the day, but as we were going the following weekend, we decided to go for a coffee into Worcester instead. I don't know what happened to her card and gift from her for her dad. I guess they were going to give it to him the following weekend, then decided not to. Maybe they were taking her out in the week to shop.

The bin lorry ritual. Every Monday morning I'd take a photo of the bin lorry and send it so our grandson (he loves bin lorries) then I'd make my coffee and go to work.

Every Monday morning after that I'd watch the bin lorry as I made my coffee and relive every minute of that day. I'd struggle to get out the house. I was off work for 7 weeks and on my return I'd have to break my journey and sit in the park to have my coffee, find somewhere else to park as I was on half days for 3 months and my leaving time was the same time I left work to drive to the hospital on the day she died.

Life does indeed go on, we're joining in with it more, dwelling less on all the sadness although the sadness is still very much there. Every day Stephanie is in our thoughts and in our conversation.

We have planted a Jasmine called Stephanese outside the front door and have a pot of Angel Wing bulbs that flowered for Mothers Day that were planted with our granddaughter after the funeral.

There's a In Memory Rose that my mum gave us to mark the 6 month anniversary of her death, that was planted with our grandson, it flowered for Father's Day and there was a new bloom for my birthday.

There's always been photos of Stephanie around our home. Now there is an additional frame of her with all her siblings in the hallway, our family. There are 3 more grandchildren to add to the frame as sadly they never got to meet her their Aunty Stephanie before she died.

I'll be booking the day of her death, one year on, off work. We've no idea what we'll be doing yet. Maybe go for a walk in the Forest of Dean where we used to live and wander around the Arboretum, her favourite spot, where she was happy, sitting amongst the leaves.

I'm writing this blog post because we were going out in the evening and we'd be home late so must remember to put the bins out for the morning and I realised that while I'm still aware of the bin lorry and my coffee routine before work, it no longer triggers me. I no longer relive the Monday morning over and over.

But as life goes on around us and our family grows, we live life very differently. Stephanies life serves to remind us of the compassionate people we have in our lives, we're no longer mourning those who have left us, whether they died of their friendship just dropped away.

We're grateful for every minute of every day and make the most of everything we have. 

Life is fragile, it can go in an instance.

Week 28 - One Daily Positive and Project 365.

It was 5 years on Monday since my father died. I think about him all the time and often quote him when things are happening in the world, such as Boris, the war, football, things the kids/grandkids do. I'm no longer sad, he would be 84 this year, I doubt he'd have still been with us, it was his time. I still struggle with the helplessness of that night, just watching him die when he collapsed. I hope to god I never have to go through anything like that again.

Onwards and upwards though. He'd love the fact we're going to Australia soon to see our middle child. He'd love the two great grandchildren he never got to meet and he'd be telling me what I was to do when I work at the English Open Golf in Southport next week, mansplaining my job to me, then watching it on the TV to try and get a glimpse of me. We used to face book mum from sporting events around the world (Dubai, South Africa, Hong Kong, Wembley) telling her where we were sitting at the rugby, cricket or football or which hole we were on so he could try and spot us. He often did and he'd press record to show us when we visited him next.

189 Saturday Off to Gloucester to spend the day with child 1, did some shopping, had coffee and cake out and home around 4pm. We had a BBQ in the evening and watched TV. 

My first attempt at quilting.

190 Sunday I went off to the shops early and bought a few gifts and some new bedding. Peter walked Bob up the Hills and went to the pub and I cleaned the house top to bottom. Late afternoon I went next door for their daughters 1st birthday for cake. Their son came round when parents were putting the bins out and let himself in and shut the door on them. He sat on the sofa to watch the TV, joined us for dinner, watered the plants then just said 'thank you, go home now' and I took him back. I sat in bed watching Ghostbusters and catching up with blog comments.

New bedding.

191 Monday Swimming before work, I left early with a migraine and home to get meds and sleep. I decided in the evening to pop to see a friend to take my mind off the anniversary.

Getting warmer and whilst car temps were 36c, it's nothing compared to Dubai where I'd previously registered 57c in my car.

192 Tuesday Cycled to work, bloody hot on the way home. Sorted out my accreditation for the golf and accepted a last offer as a volunteer in the Commonwealth Games Village.

193 Wednesday Lift to work and home, sorted out holiday insurance and looks like the flat sale will fall through unless I reduce the price by 5k, 6 months after accepting the original offer. If the buyer pulls out, my costs of 1k will be covered and I will remarked the flat at a higher price anyway. Watered the garden, blogged and did the ironing. I brought a cushion from school home to finish stuffing and sewing for a student who ran out of time to finish his project in and did some more work on the neighbours daughters quilt made from old baby clothes.

never too old for bubbles.

194 Thursday Lift to work and back via the Doctors for a blood test, out in the evening to the local youth club, then watched TV and did some more blogging and finally got the ironing done.

Quilt finished made with old baby grows from the 1 year old next door.

195 Friday Swimming before work and a lift home. Evening spent with friend, chips and wine. I had my 6 monthly check with the consultant who said whilst iron is dropping it's not enough for an infusion and will review again in 6 months.

I lovingly brought 2 'leaves' in damp tissue paper back from our balcony garden in Dubai. They survived 3 weeks in temporary accommodation and 11 days in hotel quarantine in the UK and are now sprouting babies in the bathroom in the UK.

On the blog this week:

Our English Garden in July 

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter

One Daily Positive - Week 43. Back in Dubai (again)

What I didn't say last week was that I was cleaning the flat within an inch of its life. My insurance company requires I empty the water tanks and turn the electrics off if the flat is left unoccupied for more than 60 days. Fridge freezer defrosted, oven cleaned, all cupboards emptied and cleaned, food taken to mum. All appliance doors left wide open to stop them going mouldy.

294 Sunday Did some more cleaning, cooked a roast at my mums with child 3, visited the Things and went to see a friend in the evening before a quick stop at the pub. Finished packing my case and watched Dr Who.

295 Monday Finished the cleaning, emptied the water tank and met mum and child 3 for a coffee. Left at 3pm, and sat at the airport reading. I prefer to get their early rather than worry about being late.

296 Tuesday Arrived home at 10am, Peter collected me from the airport then went to work, I had a shower and unpacked. The cat and dog were pleased to see me. Slept till 1pm, at 3pm I went out to food shop, get my nails done and walked Bob. I was in bed by 7.30pm, Peter went out to meet a colleague.

297 Wednesday Up early, walked Bob, unpacked my suitcase and had a general tidy round, bed in the afternoon and out for dinner in the evening for pub quiz.

298 Thursday Back to the Dr's for another blood test, met a friend for coffee, my ankle is really hurting now I'm not wearing my winter boots, will ask the Dr to look at it when I go back next week for my results. Looking forward to starting work in the garden on the weekend.

299 Friday It's our 16th wedding anniversary, Peter's turn to have forgotten this year. Had a lazy morning before heading off for brunch 12-4pm at a Japanese restaurant. Spent the evening watching netflix and complaining we ate and drank too much.

300 Saturday We spent the day working in the garden and cleaning the balconies setting it all up for winter use, looking forward to BBQ's and just just chilling outside.

On the blog this week:

Why I'm not frightened of dying, it's survival that scares me

I'm not back in the UK until February, i'll be interested to see how quickly they complete construction projects outside of Dubai

An InLinkz Link-up

Our first week with Bob

We wanted a dog for some time, but with there being 5 kids at home and both Peter and I working it just wasn't possible. About a year after moving to South Africa and only 2 kids left at home, who were 12 and 16, we decided it was time to get ourselves a dog. Around the same time, we were adopted by a cat, little did we know at this time that we would have to move house within 8 weeks and that 2 weeks after that I would have to fly to the UK in an emergency after my dad had a heart attack. But we are great believers of what will be will be and we just got on with it.

As it happens we were turned down for adoption, we had less than a year left on our visa's and despite reassurances we would take the dog with us if we left, the answer was still no. From time to time to called in at the SPCA in Watloo, Pretoria and although there were plenty of dogs for adoption, there wasn't our dog.

Finally after renewing our visa, the SPCA said with our determination we could adopt a dog, so Dan and I headed off to the kennels to take a look. It was a wet day and again, we saw plenty of dogs, but just not the one. As we were leaving Dan decided to look right down the end of the last aisle and said 'Mum, come look'  We named him Bob, he didn't have a name when he was left there 6 weeks earlier.

It took a lot of coaxing to get Bob to come over to us, but we knew straight away, he was the one and he was coming home with us.

We paid the adoption fees, bought food, collar and lead and made arrangements for the house to be inspected, although we were informed as we had a walled garden, unless there were major issues we could pick Bob up in a few days.

I made a bed for him and we visited on the weekend and took Peter and the teen up to see him, neither of them were too sure, but our minds had been made up.

I decided to surprise the boys by collecting Bob a a day early, we wrestled with the harness after he slipped out of his collar in the car park, I drove home with one eye on him worried he could attack me, I knew nothing of his temperament and for the first time started to panic.

He settled in immediately, but wouldn't leave my side which 3 years on is still the case. The cat was really unhappy with her new house guest and it took a year before they would tolerate being in the same room together.

Within the first week we took Bob out for walks and let him run off lead, he came back straight away, he put weight on.

We took our first family portrait.

Now there is only the 4 of us at home, Peter and I, Bob and Pushkins, but they miss the kids.

6 weeks after we got Bob I had to return to the UK for 4 months, unexpectedly, but everything was fine, what will be, will be.