My journey as a parent and how it went.

Do I miss anything about parenting?

NO.

Seriously, I miss nothing about it, let me tell you why.

My time as a parent has come to an end. Obviously there are 5 adult children out there in the world who still have a mum, who may or may not want my advice, my input, to be part of their lives. But my responsibility for them has come to an end. They are responsible for their own actions, their own thoughts and their own feelings.

Just a quick background. Mother of 3, mother to 5. I'm not including the trials and tribulations of merging 2 families together, as all the kids consider themselves to be siblings and Peter and I are the parents as they refer to us. Also our eldest child is profoundly disabled and is in the full time care of Social Services, but we still have an active involvement in her life and decision making on her behalf. There are 10 years between the boys. They were toddlers and teens at the same time, we only ever had 3 teens at anyone time. Now they are 4 adult men.

2002 our one and only holiday as a family of 7, France.

Parenting isn't about stages and development, it's not a tick box for successfully getting through each stage and moving onto the next. All these stages slowly morph from one to the next, they run concurrently.

We spend a lot of time as parents in the first few years encouraging our children to move onto the next stage. We can't wait for our baby to sit up, start weening, crawl, move onto solids, talk, walk, sleep through the night, then start school.

Taking first steps, maybe better footwear would have helped.

Then as they reach every stage we look back and wish they were babies again. I guess this is why people want more than one child.

The ages 5-11 sort of just happen, they develop differently, they discover their interests, have their own personalities and as parents we tend not to give another thought about the next stage until it happens.

There's a newish word for the pre teenage years, tweens. I've never really got this stage, maybe it's because I have 4 boys, I do tend to find it's more something that parents of girls refer to more. With 4 boys I never really stopped to think about hormonal changes. Yes their voices got deeper, they started to shave, they started to inflict their presence on each other as equals and exercised their right to be the alpha male.

During the teenage years we want it to all stop. We realise they're growing up and turning into adults and one day they'll be leaving home. We look back on the earlier years and question if we could've done things differently, ask ourselves why they have to grow up, wish we'd not encouraged them to move at the speed they did, wish they were still little.

Life with a disabled child has been very different, milestones have still yet to be reached, despite her being 31 now. Milestones that will never be reached were acknowledged a long time ago. Different milestones were set, more realistic ones. Hopes and dreams for a profoundly disabled child are different. Getting through a day without wet clothes when your child is in their 30's is something to be celebrated, just as much as potty training the boys was.

So how did my journey as a parent go? Most of it just happened, the memory fades. the children feel like they've always been the age they are now. Yes we can recall individual challenges, achievements and first words, but if I'm honest a lot of it gets merged, it gets attributed to the wrong child.

Me, aged 20 with my first born. 27 years later, I'm grey.

Being pregnant:
I was never the material type, even now I look at other peoples babies and think 'there's nice' but I prefer them when they're a bit older and have a personality. I didn't enjoy and neither did I not like being pregnant, it was just something I went through. I have to consult the boys red books to tell you what day of the week and time they were born. I do remember the date and year though. There are no photo's of me pregnant, ever.

Giving Birth:
No one in their right mind enjoys the physical side of giving birth, but nature has a funny way of protecting us from the memory otherwise we'd never have more than one child.

Breast feeding:
Nope, didn't like it.

Teething:
It was just something we all went through.

Sleepless nights:
At both ends of the spectrum, as babies, then as teenagers, waiting for them to come home at 2am in the morning.

Playgroups:
OMG no, no, no.

Weening:
Fussy with what they'd eat one day, they wouldn't touch the next. However they ate anything and everything as a rule. We had a few food intolerances to deal with but in general they'd eat hummus, veg, fruit, fish. But as teens they lived off pot noodles, pizzas and what I call 'orange' and bland foods. Now as adults they've had the gaul to complain that I didn't cook tasty food.

No baby led weening here.

Yep, letting my baby have chocolate.

Potty training:
Just one big night mare, from poo droppings behind sofas and peeing against the bathroom walls.

A note by child 4 to remind himself to wipe his bum, it's framed and in the bathroom still.

Siblings:
They hated one another, they still don't really get on now. Arguments and physical fights over toys, who they shared a room with and how the others were always favoured over them.

School:
There were tears on the first day of school for the first child only for primary and secondary. It was a relief when the others went. School was a constant battle with being called in for at least one of boys on a monthly basis, fighting, not doing homework etc. Don't get me started on school fees either, we paid enough over the years to have purchased an average 4 bed house in the UK.

After school activities:
No, no, no. I hated the amount of time I spent driving, the organisation and timing of activities. Standing for hours on end in the middle of a field while they played football usually in the rain. The cost of gym, music lessons, horse riding etc, all the activities they insisted they take part in then wanted to drop just after I'd paid a terms fees.

Teenage years:
See siblings. They just happened, we didn't survive them, we just got through them, of course we did we can't stop the ageing process.

Leaving home:
This was tough, but inevitable. For us though it was a bit different than it is for most parents. Our eldest left home aged 12 to go into care, the next, aged 18, joined the army, within a year he was posted in Germany. The next one, also aged 18, left home and 3 months later we moved 6000 miles away to South Africa. Our youngest left home next, aged 13, to return to the UK for boarding school and the last one left home aged 20 to join the army.
As each child left home, the others filled the gap, it didn't get easier because we were down in numbers, it just changed. There was more time for homework, activities, but meals still had to be cooked, washing and ironing done, school runs and breaking up fights.
We weren't around to support any of our children into adulthood, it wasn't a gentle break for any of us, it was an arm ripping off moment each time.

Empty nest:
We moved to Dubai the same time our last child left home in 2014, the youngest two returned to South Africa to say their goodbyes and to physically move with us, although they returned to the UK within a few weeks. Moving countries is stressful in its own right and while I was grateful to not have to sort out schools, negotiate traffic on school runs on the wrong side of the road, helping them make new friends and finding activities for them to join in with, I was incredibly isolated and lonely.
I'm over empty nest now, but I do wonder what the future holds for us in regards to our relationships with our adult children as they begin their own journey into marriage and parenthood.

You'll notice I have more to say about leaving home and empty nest and this is because they happened more recently, they're fresher in my mind. They were recent events, I've not done much since the kids left home, I did return to teaching for a year which contributed to filling my days and I had the death of my father and health issues to deal with over the following 2+ years.

When we all get together, which is rare as a family of 7, with our chosen homes, the last time was for the youngest's 18th birthday in 2017, we talk about the fun times, the memories that make us smile, the holidays, the time we lost the children and the day we went on holiday only realising we'd locked one of the children in the house and left them behind was one another child asked where they were.

At the end of the day we can't stop the process or even slow it down, parenting just happens. Sometimes we need the support of the wider family, teachers, doctors and other professionals.

Most of the time we can't stop or change what our children go through, they develop at their own rate, we can't fix a friendship, stop the bullying, mend a broken heart, get better grades or even have a great deal of influence over their lives as they become adults. We're just there to support them however we feel best at the time. We will have regrets, we will have issues. I know I do.

Please note: ALL this was done without the internet and there aren't many photo's to prove it.

Goodbye to the teenage years.

20.

My youngest child turns 20 next month.

I will no longer own a teenager.

I've owned a teenager since 2003.

That's 16 years of my life held hostage.

Or is it?

I stopped being a full time mum in 2013, when the youngest child left home, aged 13 and entrusted his teenage years to his boarding school.

They did a good job, there were issues, of course there were, long distance parenting of 6000 miles and a 2 hour time difference with limited access to the internet for us both (me with constant power cuts and him with living in a 17th century house with thick stone walls) wasn't easy. Holidays and visits weren't the same as living under the same roof 24/7.

Each teenager was different, One needed a lot of support from external influences in his life, another was fairly self sufficient from the age of 14 and both these left home at 18. The second youngest was almost 20 when he left home, the early teens were traumatic for us both, the later teens were very pleasant.

Every stage of parenting has been just that.

I can no longer write about my experiences as a mum of teens, than I can write about my birth experiences, it is all a distant memory now.

I can recall events in life, strops and tantrums on holidays, disagreements about days out and the endless fights amongst the 4 brothers. But I can't recall my feelings, I can't recall who did what and when.

I'm not traumatised by raising 4 teenage boys, it just doesn't matter anymore in that respect. Heck I have no idea what day of the week or time any of the kids were born. I need to consult their red books for that.

Each stage of parenting is different and with 4 boys and a girl with profound disabilities, life was never going to be straight forward, merging two sets of children together as a full time family was never going to be easy, but we did it. We all survived and we all enjoy spending time together, not as a family of 7, there are too many issues for that, too much distance and family commitments, but in small groups, visiting us in Dubai or us seeing them on our trips to the UK.

The teenage years went a long time ago in our household, the empty nest has been managed and it's no longer an issue I'm having to adapt to.

It'll be grandchildren next, but I won't be starting over again, I won't be parenting, times have changed on how that is all done and there's still the distance to consider.

That won't change my life anymore than the youngest child turning 20 has.

Living with an empty nest.

You might see this title and think, yep that's me, my kids have flown the nest, or you think, this will be me in a few years, but I bet most of you are counting down the days thinking you can't wait till the kids leave home.

I'll then take a guess at the ages of your children. In their mid to late 20's and older. 15-18 year olds or pre school children.

That's usually the response I get, from the parents of kids who are those ages, when I say I have an empty nest.

But what surprises most people is my age and the age of my youngest child.

I'm 46 and my last chick flew the nest in 2014. But it wasn't my youngest child. My youngest child was 13 when he left home to go to boarding school in the UK, as were living in South Africa. We're now in Dubai and as he turned 18 last year, he didn't join us, he's opted to stay in the UK and seek work there. You can read more in the Daily Mail about my experience as a mum of a child in boarding school (scroll to the last interview)

My kids also haven't gone to University, the eldest two boys left home aged 18 and moved away with their career in the army and in the hotel industry. The next child left aged almost 19 to pursue his career in the army also. There has been a clean cut off point, no coming and going over a period of a few years, just there one day as kids and the next off into the big wide world as adults.

I noticed some huge changes within a week of the being an empty nester there was fuel in the car and change in my purse. 2 months on and I was enjoying myself, days of 'me time' and no agenda, I could do what I wanted when I wanted.

Then it went all downhill, but we moved countries and life just got complicated in a different way, I didn't adjust to life in Dubai, I didn't want to invest all my time to have the rug pulled from under my feet when we moved on again. I blamed the children for not being here, for being able to use them to make friends, to get to know more about what was going on and the best places to meet people. I blamed everything on empty nest syndrome until right now, as I was writing this post (which is now a week a go) It's been 4 years since my last chick flew the nest.

I don't have an empty nest anymore, I just just have a new phase in my life that I need to learn to enjoy.

Life after kids

I'm 44, I've been a mum for 23 years.

I stopped parenting in January in 2014, despite still having a child in full time education till July

The second youngest son and last child left home in January 2014, aged 19, having finished his matric in South Africa and moved back to the UK to join the army also. He is based currently in Yorkshire and is being posted to Belfast in October 2015. Returning to the UK as an adult was a difficult process.

It would seem that most peoples children leave home over a period of time. They go to Uni or get a job whilst still living at home until they can save up for their own place and/or they live nearby and still spend a lot of their spare time with their families. For us this isn't the case and we've had little input into their lives as adults which you can read about here.

On my last couple of trips to the UK the logistics of trying to visit all 5 children has been tricky. The youngest and eldest 2 children live in Gloucestershire, I stay in Monmouth. Obviously the eldest child with her disabilities doesn't work and I can see here whenever I want, however any trips out have to be kept to her routine of feeding and changing and her bedtime needs, the youngest lives 15 miles from her and I have to visit around school hours and the eldest is unemployed so as long as I give him his bus fare he can come and meet me with his siblings.

I don't have a base where I can take the children to, which would make life a lot easier and with the other 2 boys living in Leeds and Catterick visits to them are costly and tiring but I do them willingly.

I've reached the conclusion that even if we were still living in Malvern, UK, we'd have the same logisitcal issues and the reality is that the adult children have their own lives, jobs/education, friends and they probably wouldn't want to traipse backwards and forwards on the train, on their weekends off to sit with their mum, doing what exactly.

I do feel cheated out of the last few years of parenthood with the youngest being in boarding school, but then he was in full time boarding when we lived in the UK anyway, he was just 20 minutes down the road and was home for all the school holidays, mind you he still is home for the major school holidays and often spends his exe at weekends with his mates who also board.

I have suffered with empty nest syndrome, however a week on both the good and the bad kicked in and had me in tears again, but a change of country and setting up our new child free home in Dubai has really helped with my adjustment.

But there really is life after kids. I started my journey as a mother aged 21, there is so much out there for me to see, achieve and be part of. But until our expat journey comes to an end I'm adapting to life after kids with so much free time I don't know what to do with myself. I expect when we return to the UK at some point in time, I'll pick up at the very least a job, hopefully a career again, even though i haven't worked for nearly 5 years, my experience volunteering in South Africa and living on two continents will count for something. I'm also assuming that there may be grand children by the time we return to the UK in a couple of years time and who knows what else may happen.

I'm spending large amounts of time on my own as hubbies job is taking him away more often and further afield.

I'm now learning to embrace my 'me time' sit back, relax and enjoy the simple things in life, such as

A nice leisurely breakfast every morning

I can also eat it in bed

 Sitting in the garden in the evenings, reading a book and enjoying a glass of wine

 Playing with the cat and dog, long walks and trips out to the lakes.

Cups of coffee with friends or just me and my laptop

Evenings on the beach and a swim in the sea

And the sweetie jar actually contains sweets

And lots of travel to see the children in the UK, have one of the kids coming to visit this week and another in July, visit new countries, I'm off to Canada on the 17th June and return to familiar ones to see friends, back to South Africa in October.

Life after kids

My 16 year old son has been home for 2 weeks for his Easter Holidays. You can read here about whether he is at home or on holiday here.

After 22 years of being a mum, it all stopped. I'm still a mum but I parent from several thousand miles away now, slightly closer to the UK after relocating from South Africa to Dubai in December 2014, but nevertheless, it's still a 7 hour flight plus car/train journey away. It's expensive to call the kids mobiles, they don't always have access to wifi so 3 G costs them too much to Skype, there are letters and cards to be sent, but they don't always remember to collect them and they rarely write back. But that doesn't matter, I'm the adult, even though 4 of them are over 20 and the youngest almost 16 is in boarding school and I've handed over day to day parenting to his team, who, in my opinion are doing a damn better job than I could've hoped for or probably done.

I miss my kids, I miss the house being full, I even miss the rows as it gave me a purpose to get through each day, school runs, uniforms, after school activities, dinner to cook, arguments and fights to resolve.

But I'm done with Empty Nest Syndrome I'm reminded only of my freedom from parenthood when one of the kids come to visit and suddenly the fridge, the fuel tank and my purse are emptied.

The biggest thing that helped me change from being a full time parent to it just being me and the cat and the dog all day was relocating. It was tough when we moved to South Africa and although the problems with HR and immigration were stressful in Dubai, this time I wasn't dealing with finding schools, settling children (although the dog and cat were a challenge) also I was able to go out on my own from day one, the streets are safe and the public transport is cheap and runs perfectly.

We created our first child free home so there are no empty rooms to mourn over. Our kids are now visitors here, they've never lived here, therefore from my perspective life on a daily basis without them is very different from when I found odd socks after they left and their rooms were in danger of becoming shrines as I cleaned and tided them within an inch of my life as a way of distracting myself from having nothing to do once they left home.

However this has caused a different problem and that's making sure that when the teenager comes 'home' he feels at home and not like a visitor, so far I think the balance is right, I just have to remember I didn't entertain him 24 hours a day when he lived at home so I must remember to give him space now and not try to spend every minute with him or he'll not want to come back.

I still haven't found my thing yet, my thing to do now the kids have left home, has relocating complicated things? Has being an expat changed my life forever? Will I ever pick my career up? Do I want to pick up my career again? I don't think I'll be volunteering here, although the autistic school appears to be drawing itself towards me.

So far, Life without kids has been just as unpredictable as life with them, I still need to be at home for visitors, be they young, old, family or friends. I have some amazing travel coming up over the rest of this year. 2 trips to the UK, 1 to South Africa and 1 to Canada. I've joined in with photography projects on social media, take part in 5 weekly links which seem to be keeping me busy. I've been sewing, exploring, shopping, having coffee and things are rather fun right now, so instead of thinking too much about what I'm going to do, I'm just going to carry on doing what I'm doing. I'm sure things will change soon enough anyway. Who knows? Grandkids, a job offer, another relocation?

My 'ME' time #MySundayPhoto

I wake up every morning and go downstairs and everything is just where I left it, cushions straight on the sofa, washing up done, laundry up to date, fridge and cupboards full and I hate it.

Why? because I spent 21 years as a full time mummy, firstly to my 3 boys for 7 years then I inherited 2 step children. All I wanted was 'ME' time, 5 minutes peace and quiet every now and then, in August last year I went from being a SAHM to a SAH and for the past 11 months I've had nothing but 'ME' time and I haven't enjoyed it.

My 15 year old arrives next Sunday for 5 weeks, followed by a visit from the 22 year old and his girlfriends for 2 weeks. My next available 'ME' time will be September 17th so for the time being I'm enjoying the calm before the storm and making the most of it.

Empty nest syndrome. One week on.

Last Friday night, hubby and I drove home from OR Tambo airport in silence, apart from the occasional sob from me.

We sat in the garden and waited for the BA0034 to fly overhead so we could wave goodbye to the boys as the 14yo returned to school and the 18yo left home to make an application to join the Royal Marines both in the UK.

Saturday I was reduced to tears when my hairdresser asked when the boys leave, again when the neighbour asked if they got off all right and again when I entered their rooms on Sunday.

We were out Monday for the day and as we approached Centurion I automatically reached for my phone to call home to see if the kids wanted to meet us at the local restaurant for dinner, then remembered they weren't here any more.

Tuesday I was distracted with another airport run, this time to see MIL off after her 6 week visit and Wednesday i was in tears again, but this time with frustration as I cleaned and sorted the boys rooms, washed walls that I'd only painted in August when the 14yo left, removed chewing gum from the side of beds and desks and retrieved ALL the missing items.

Thursday I went swimming for the first time since the 18yo left school in November, then I visited 2 of the places I volunteer at. Friday (today) I had physio and a belated Christmas party in a township and this evening I sat and mused over the past week.

We've got 5 kids and all 5 have now left home, every time my emotions have kicked in and I've sobbed for hours and days even.

We're used to the children not being here, to being on our own and at the moment it feels like they're on holiday. I keep reminding myself I'll be in the UK in March/April and it really isn't that long till I see them all again.

But in the meantime I'm focusing on the benefits of them not being here, especially the 18yo.

I went to the cupboard to fetch a clean glass

Discovered there was still coke in the fridge

Ice cream still in the freezer

And I haven't had a full tank of fuel since the 18yo passed his test last February

Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

5 years ago I’m not really sure where I saw myself being, I didn't have a plan, I was just preparing for when the last child left home and I could focus on us and my career. I was living in the UK, 2 years into a career in Child Protection and Lecturing, the 2^nd child left home leaving only the then 11 and 15 year old at home. I was studying for a degree in Psychology and Criminology in order to fulfill and enhance my career until the last child reached 18 and left home. I was talking to my husband about the possibilities of moving up north, Manchester area, after the 2^nd youngest finished his GCSE’s in 2011 and moving the youngest out of Private School back into mainstream to free up my salary allowing us to travel more often and improve our quality of life.

All I really knew was I’d still have a child at home in 2014 and for the next 3 years until he finished school.

In September 2010 all the plans changed for we were asked to move to South Africa with my husbands job and on January 19^th 2014 we will have been here for 3 years. Husband isn’t on a contract, so this is a permanent move until we are told otherwise, either by the company or the government if it refuses to renew our visas.

Based on all the information that was requested from us and never having lived abroad, we trusted the information given to us in regards to work and education and moved lock, stock and barrel 6000 miles from home.

And there the 5 year plan ended, at the end of year 1. I had to give up my studies because of lack of internet and all the issues we had when we arrived as the support offered vanished upon arrival. The youngest left home in August 2013 and returned to boarding school in the UK because the education system here doesn’t support Dyslexic students and I’m still unable to work. The 2^nd youngest now nearly 19 leaves home on January 10^th, like his older siblings before him and all the children will be back in the UK, in fact apart from Hubby and I, our entire families will be 6000 miles away.

I have a new 5 year plan, it involves the following although I can’t guarantee hubbies job won’t take us somewhere else, so my plan involves things that I can do from anywhere I live, in no particular order:

• ·         Finish my degree

• ·         Travel and spend as much time as finances permit in the UK visiting the kids and families

• ·         Continue to build on my CV through volunteer work

• ·         Seek employment based in the UK that I can do from anywhere I live to fund the travel

• ·         Finish writing my book and actively seek a publisher

• ·         Seek sponsorship through my blog to fund my volunteer work

Do you have a plan? Does it keep changing? What things make it change? Health? Finances? I'd love to hear from you.