I'm too posh for burger king, but not posh or old enough for M&S
At any and every function I go to I either spill food down my top or I've eaten the nibbles in one mouthful just as someone comes up to introduce themselves or even worse I have greasy hands from eating the crisps as they offer theirs to shake.
I cant get this air kissing right, is it 1, 2 or 3 is it on the check or in the air? does the man lead? What happens if its a woman greeting you or you them?
Holidays have always been a nightmare, take Turkey for example 4 kids plus me and Peter meant we had to have 2 apartments, which in turn meant that it wasn’t in the best part of the resort due to the price and what we could afford, I should have known what we were in for when we flew from Gatwick and the men and sons were in matching football tops with matching beer bellies and the women were giant pink velour donuts.....at 10pm agadoo blared out the stereos and ‘the first person back with granny's bra gets a free drink’ how I long for the hotel on the beach, sophisticated and relaxed, but id probably be bored and would have nothing to moan about.
Every time I stay in a hotel there's either a 2am fire alarm going off, or drunken yobs on a hen/stag do or the constant ringing of next doors telephone. I enter a hotel looking like a bag lady, always take or buy too much stuff, clutter up reception, discover my booking form is in my suitcase and have to unpack it all to get it out. The handles will break on my Primark/Pound store carrier bag and the contents spill out
ALL THESE THINGS DO HAPPEN TO ME, I WONDER IF THE AUTHOR OF BRIDGET JONES SAW ME ONCE and thought there's a good story.
Is there an etiquette book? Should I write one?
You know the one with instructions on how to handle your self on a first meeting, how to travel realistically and sophisticated...not the guides in the glossy mags on how to travel light with one LBD and accessories to change from beach to evening wear in one go...they're not realistic I shall always pack too many shoes and clothes even for an overnight stay.
Why isn’t it a good look to go into Prada with my Primark bag, I know, they know I cant afford anything but do they have to look so snotty nosed at me...'Guess what love? you’re working in the shop, you cant afford it either, even with your staff discount.'