Tuesday 6 March 2018

Crossing boundaries - physical and mentally

I cross boundaries all the time as I fly to and from the UK, I spend more hours at border control than I care to remember, but I've yet to have any problems, despite being singled out many times by airlines in regards to my chosen route, lateness of booking and general security issues. I've seen many changes over the years to border entries and visa requirements for countries I've visited frequently. We were questioned in detail leaving San Francisco on a one way ticket to Denver after 9/11. We've had visa's to live in South Africa and Dubai, needed permission for the youngest to travel in and out of SA despite having a residency visa, been questioned leaving France travelling alone with my eldest who had a different surname from me and I've been questioned many times about travelling alone on multi tickets, long stop overs and why my flights don't start and end in the country from where my passport is issued.

I do have a favourite boundary, seen below. Flying over Africa, between Mozambique and South Africa. The line you can see is where the physical boundary between the countries was removed to allow the free roaming of wild animals.

It's not just Country boundariess that I cross. I'm told I come straight to the point and many people tell me they like that about me, they know where they stand, but others can find it intimidating. I know that, but it also means I get taken advantage of, that I don't have feelings and many times over the years, I've listened to criticism of myself, my children, step children and my husband often without the right of reply.

I crossed a boundary recently by saying something about a friends child, I was upset. I actually gave it a lot of thought about whether I should say anything or not. But I'm glad I did. I’ll not go into details but a 15 year friendship came to an end. In all honestly, I’m not bothered. It can't have much of a friendship if no further discussion is to be had on the subject so hey ho.

This has got me thinking.

I probably overshare, in fact I know I overshare. If I’m proud of something my kids or I or my family have done then I’ll bloody well shout it from the roof tops. Sadly I’ve learnt that to a lot of people this is boasting and showing off. Blowing my own trumpet and leads people to think I have a long way to fall and many are standing there waiting for it to happen.

But I also balance that with the failures, the upsets, the stuff that went wrong. Now people love to hear that, offer their opinion, talk behind your back, tell you where you went wrong, point out how you could’ve done it differently, but actually offer little or no support at all in these matters.

So I’m changing tact, I’m not sharing anymore. I’ll just say when asked ‘how are things going?’ With ‘fine thanks and with you?’ And leave them to fill the silence. This also means I'm reducing my friendship circle. It's actually quite easy to do. Most people see on Facebook I'm in the UK then contact me and ask to meet up, which usually involves me driving to meet them fitting in with their childcare and work arrangements, but I'm redefining these friendships and if they don't occur throughout the year, regardless of which country I'm in, then I'm no longer going out my way to meet up and regale them with stories of life abroad.

I’ve tried that in the past but I’m often met with ‘but you’re life is so much more exciting than mine, living abroad’ well to me you’re the one who lives abroad so from now on if you don’t want to or can’t share back with me then I’m wasting my time visiting, because as far as I can see, you’re the one crossing the boundaries, using what’s going on in my life to to assume I’m either putting you down or to use to talk about me negatively with others.

Friendships are two way. They’re about support, sharing, doing things together. I’m not just your friend/family member in Dubai to showcase, to talk about. I’m also Suzanne who has feelings and if she is upset and hurt by something you’ve said about her, her husband or her children she has the right to say something, just like others have and do frequently.

22 comments:

  1. I am a stroke survivor and still have a long recovery ahead, I say the same when asked how I am, I'm fine thanks, how are you #teenstweensandbeyond@_karendennis

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    1. sometimes it's jus the easiest response isn't it?

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  2. Very powerful post. Do what is best for you and be kind to yourself - that is all we can do and we are all so very different which is probably a good thing in the end. Thanks for taking up the boundaries theme and making me think and I love your favourite geographical boundary - did not know about that so you have taught me something too. #BestBootForward

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    1. i'm so tired of being dragged down, time to let go of some baggage

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  3. Touching upon what we were talking about last week, I understand it's easy to "overshare" -
    whatever that is - and easy for people to feel intimidated by perceived success or assertiveness. I've had it in the past where I have shared intimate feelings about depression and that kind of thing and people have used it against me, but then when trying to share more positive things people don't seem to want to hear it or perceive it as being boastful. It's the story of blogging and life in general! Friendships based on perceived power are not ones that are all that healthy I'd say.
    Personally, I am always interested to hear about you and what's going on in your life, good or bad, so will keep reading and hope to see you once again before you depart. Thanks for Best Boot Forward - ing again this week!

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    1. I realised that this particular friendship was actually dragging me down and only focused on the negative, so many issues lifted when contact was cut

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  4. I think it gets to a point where you have to stand up and say enough is enough.
    Thank you for sharing this with us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back next week.

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    1. sadly i should've called a stop to this friendship a long time ago

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  5. I have a very small circle due to some of these reasons. I'm not so much of an oversharer, more of an undersharer as I don't let people in or know too much. It has the same effect I've found. You have to stand up for yourself and not let others take advantage. I would rather have a few close friends than a big group who want me when it suits them! Good for you #pocolo

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    1. I had included this person as one of the handful of close friends, the rest are people who come and go at various times, for various reasons, but hey ho

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  6. I think every so often a change is needed and if things aren't working or are causing you pain, then you have to look at how to put that right. It's painful in itself Suzanne so I do feel for you Suzanne. Thank you for sharing with #tweensteensbeyond

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    1. thank you, i realises that this person was actually dragging me down and only wanting to hear about the negatives, actually drawing it out of me which was damaging

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  7. Good on you! There comes a time when enough is enough x

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  8. I agree, I think it's important to realise when enough is enough and you have clearly done that. I prefer a small group of close friends myself. Thanks for sharing with us at #TweensTeensBeyond

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    1. i had counted this person as in the inner circle of friends but realise now i was not getting anything from the relationship

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  9. It is painful when friendship isn't what we thought it was, but it's also important to do what's right for you. Close friendships need to be worked at, like any relationship and they only work when both parties do. Thanks for sharing with #PoCoLo

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  10. Real friends want to know the highs and lows in life and will support you through both #triumphanttales

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    1. exactly and it's been easy to let go than i thought

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  11. Suzanne I am great one for resetting boundaries and whilst painful sometimes, if the situation makes you unhappy it is a job that needs to be done. #TweensTeensBeyond

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    1. i wish i'd done it earlier, feel like a weight has been lifted

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