The rest of you are just intrigued because you know me well enough to realise I'm not being serious.
But if you want some tips then here they are:
- Ensure each room looks exactly like page xx of Next home or whatever store is in vogue and similar to everyone else.
- Purchase display towels and make sure your family know they can't use them (actual conversation over heard in IKEA in Dubai) I know people who have 'display towels'
- Spend an hour or two every day staging photos and tidying up for the perfect shot
- Move that house plant around for it to appear in every photo
- In all bathroom shots make sure a) yours looks like everyone else and b) that pot plant is placed near the loo
- Make sure you only buy or just tag expensive wall paper/paint companies
- Spend a fortune on buying the latest 'must have' cushion in the latest colour, for the photo
- Don't up cycle anything, if you want shabby chic then buy it already done like that
- Paint your walls grey and call it greige, same with all other colours, give them a made up name
- Have a glass of wine, fresh flowers and freshly baked bread/cake in every shot also
Or you could do what I do.
Show the reality of your home, the mess, the work in progress, realise that the above is not true to life.
Here's how my house looked on Tuesday when I wrote this post and after a 2 hour tidy up. If you click on the #myhousethismonth hashtag on instagram you'll see how far off the mark I am with every being qualified to offer you a top tip on interior styling or design.
Cushions used to stop Bob the dog making himself comfy on the sofa.
We rarely draw the curtains and the bed only ever looks like the 2nd photo on the day I change the sheets, I made it especially for this post.
Entrance hall and dumping ground, used for everything that comes in and out of the house. Yes, the bike really does live there.
Kitchen is hit and miss, for this photo I just removed everything that shouldn't be there and dumped it on the stairs.
The lojunge at the end of every day and within half an hour of peter being up, easy to tidy, just plump up the cushions. The single chair also has to be dog proofed or he'll sleep on there at night and when we're out.
My lovely outdoor space on the balcony and the bedroom floor that everything gets dumped on when it rains, as keeps happening.
It takes around 45 minutes to sweep the sand up after a storm and everything gets set up, then I use the chairs to dry the washing on.
Then it rained the following morning and everything jsut got dumped in the dining room.
Is your home insta ready all the time?
Mine is like anyone of the above photo's at anytime and I welcome anyone in at anytime also.
I don't have time and energy to keep it looking perfect.
It's a home, it gets lived in.