In desperate need of counselling

Our daughter died in October 2024. 

There was no counselling available for 12 weeks. 12 weeks is the normal grieving time. If any support is needed in that period then contact with the GP or the Samaritans is the only support available.

I contacted private grief counsellors. They all told me the same.

I finally got hold of a psychotherapist who agreed to see me, because of the trauma I was experiencing after the death of my father in 2017.

I was having problems with this prior to our daughters death and I'd sought help, spoken to friends and Peter and written about trying to sort my head out and irrational fears about Peter dying and a feeling of impending doom. I felt that if I didn't sort my head out, I'd not be able to process Stephanie's death.

I'd been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder in 2019 and failed to deal with it. Moving back to the UK, while Peter stayed in Dubai, covid hitting, being separated for months on end, then Peter retiring early, being hit by hotel quarantine, health scares, building work, new job, health issues and surgery with grandson, death of our dog.

Seeing the psychotherapist and having someone to talk to helped me process so much, it helped me rationalise a lot of my thoughts, breathing exercises helped me through not being able to sleep. I started to eat properly, was able to process a lot about my fathers death that I hadn't been able to, to date, but I was diagnosed with depression and went back to the GP and was prescribed medication.

The depression was put on my records. 

Just before Christmas the psychotherapist diagnosed me with PTSD and said we would start unpicking it at the next appointment. I had to cancel the next appointment due to a meeting and they were on holiday the following week, they wished me a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year via email and I haven't heard anything from them since.

In the meantime, a self referral with the NHS finally came through and I had returned to work full time, getting to the see the psychotherapist after work was going to be tricky for me. Times and days had been random, it had been ok when I was only working mornings, but I would have preferred a set time and day, but I hadn't felt confident enough to state this, even though I was paying to see them as I was just grateful that I was having regular sessions. I was also slightly uncomfortable that their spouse was in the house on a couple of visits and of course, me being me, I didn't say anything, but I do wonder if they'd read my blog and that, along with seeing that I had an appointment with the NHS and was uncomfortable with the days and times was the reason they hadn't got back in touch with me.

The NHS appointment took place over the phone. it was a 50 minute appointment. it started with me being asked if I had a driving licence, access to a car and anyone under 18 to care for, followed by questions about my childhood and what had brought me to self refer.

I'd also filled in a questionnaire pre call and I didn't feel relaxed or comfortable opening up to this level to someone who was going to decide on whether I needed any help and support at such a deep level over the phone. Within 20 minutes I was in tears, struggling to speak and I could slowly feel myself regressing with all my thoughts and feeling back to the time when Stephanie died. I stopped being honest, I needed to protect myself and all of a sudden I heard the voice on the end of the phone saying 'we're coming to the end of our 50 minutes, the thoughts and feeling you are having are common with grief and you don't qualify for counselling on the NHS' she then went on to tell me she would email a list of therapies available that I could contact and I was welcome to go try private counsellors also.

When I received the list it was group zoom calls, a list of organisations that provided online information and breavement cafes, any face to face support is too far from me with the hours I work.

In regards to finding private support, I was back to square one and when I do find a company, there's a pre appointment questionnaire, select the type of therapist you want to see, the type of treatment you want and there in lies the problem, that I don't know. I had hoped the NHS would be able to assess this, but according to them, I'm perfectly fine.

I'm not here to discuss exactly what the problems are I'm experiencing, that part I'm struggling with, that's why I need a professional to talk to, someone who can help me address the problems.

I do find writing helps me express how I am feeling about everything going on around the actual problems and maybe one day, I'll be able to publish the things I've actually written about the problems and the effects on my daily life.

The biggest problem I'm having at the moment that is impacting on my life is being able to leave the house.

I'm able to go out, go to work, meet family and friends, shop. I'm showering, eating, sleeping, doing my hair and putting make up on. Up until just before Christmas, I wasn't eating, sleeping, doing my hair or make up and was only working part time. But I'm still struggling to leave the house.

If it's just me and Peter going out on the weekend for coffee or food shopping or a trip out, we leave the house when I'm ready. I can be up and dressed and ready, but for some reason it could take me another hour or two to actually go out the door.

Going to work or an appointment is harder. I get stressed, upset, I cry, I delay, find things to do, leave it till the very last minute, then just go. I drive to the park and I sit there for 10-15 minutes and just drink my coffee and transit into work mode. I'm often late for work, but it's the only way I can get myself in.

If I'm meeting friends after work at 6 or 7 I won't come home after work, I'll go sit in the coffee shop or wander around the shops until it's time to meet them, so I don't have to go through the process of leaving home again.

Because I'm in work, getting dressed, eating and sleeping, I'm judged to be fine, not in need of any support.

But my whole inner workings just don't work the way they used to, I'm battling to hold myself together every, single day. I'm not half the person I used to be. On the outside I'm bright and getting on with things, inside I just feel so totally hopeless.