How I'm grieving one year on since my fathers death

I thought we'd got through all the 1sts since my father died suddenly on July 11th last year, until my birthday on June 26th, the moment my mum walked into the coffee shop that morning. Last year my father was with her. Of course there is still the anniversary of his death to get through and then the funeral 2 weeks later. Then we're done or are we?

For me, my start to the summer is mimicking last years UK trip. Helping the teen find somewhere to live, visiting child 4 in Belfast to say good bye before his overseas posting and typing up 1000's of names on a data base for a charity in South Africa. Mum and I even visited the Speech House for afternoon tea where I took this photo.

The same place this one was taken 3 days before my father died.

As an expat my greatest fear was not being able to be there for my parents and my children should there be an emergency and not being able to get there in time to say our last goodbyes. Travelling for nearly 20 hours back in 2012 from South Africa with no way of communicating was traumatic, not knowing if by the time I arrived at the hospital my father would've have survived his surgery or not.

After that trip, every subsequent trip I made then became my most feared trip. As much as I enjoyed the time with the family, the moment I arrived I was fully aware that I was already dreading the goodbyes, the last hugs, the last kisses and the last words, knowing that at some point in time and soon, I would be coming back to the UK with the full knowledge that my father would no longer be there.

My father was a very opinionated man and ran commentary on every situation in life, he would wind me up to the point of an argument, with neither side backing down. We both viewed the world as explorers, we shared a love of sport, particularly football, but we viewed life from different vantage points, his mostly from the 'good old days' mine from the present.

The last few weeks of my fathers life were special, we talked so much, we did things together, we always did, there were arguments of course during that time, but I have no regrets, no words left unspoken, no words spoken regretted.

On the night my father died, I said to the teen 'come on we're going to Nanna and Grandad's, be a good grandson and come with me' my niece was there with her 3 boys also. We had a drink and my father started on one of his favourite topics, yet rather than have an argument I just simply said 'I'm not doing this' we said our goodbyes, nicely and left. 3 hours later, I was back sitting at his side as he lay in the hallway, waiting for the paramedics to arrive.

That night I sat with him, I was relatively calm, I knew there was nothing I or anyone could do. When the paramedics took over I collapsed, I couldn't breathe, I phoned my husband and a friend. I stood on the street with the neighbours, then I spent several hours going over all the details with the police as it was a sudden death at home.

The following days I didn't wash, eat or sleep. I couldn't talk to anyone without gulping huge intakes of breath. I walked round the town asking in my head 'why are you smiling? don't you know my father just died' It's a small town and I wasn't able to go far without someone offering their condolences, many times I held it together, said 'thank you' often I fell apart, leaving people staring at me blankly not knowing what to say or do.

All of a sudden I went from saying 'my father died last night' to 'last week/month/year' Mum moved during this period. I returned back and forth to my home in Dubai. My father was a hoarder, thankfully everything was labelled, but trying to sell it all has been a battle. A challenge I've accepted, willingly. I shout at him for leaving me all this crap to sort/sell/donate/throw. I look through his things and wonder why he never showed me this stuff when he was alive. I get angry with him for leaving us like he did. I get emotional, I cry. I can't watch the World Cup without crying, or pass merchandise in the shops without automatically wanting to buy him something. I can't attend a sporting event without getting upset, as he'd be back at home trying to spot me on the TV, while mum relayed the information via face book. I can no longer argue with him, tell him he's wrong and I miss all that.

But as time has gone on, I cry less, but I never stop thinking about him, good or bad. I cried as I wrote this sitting in a coffee shop in Belfast, people were looking at me, I didn't care. Because I fear the day that I don't cry for my father, the day I no longer shed a tear.

There are days, whole days when he doesn't enter my thoughts, but they are rare. He'd be so proud of the teen with his new job, he'd be excited for child 4 as he heads off on another tour with the army, he was so excited when child 3 told him he was going to Australia a couple of weeks before he died, he'd be so looking forward to seeing him come back in October for a visit. He missed child 2's wedding last month.

He's missed by us all, he'll never see Thing 1, 2 & 3 grow up, his great grandchildren, or the great children my mum will get to know. Thing 1 who is 4 said to me the other day 'My grandad died, your daddy died, do you miss him? I do'

This is the post I wrote marking the end of 2017. Managing grief 5 months on.
Although i am not my mother's carer, I do need to support her with stuff while she adapts to life on her own after 53 years of marriage. Living in a different country is challenging and our story appeared in the Daily Mail, you can read about it here.

You don't need to entertain children 24/7

Back from a recent trip to Egypt, the one thing that struck me the most was the number of children playing.

Playing by themselves, without any electronic items in sight anywhere.

This may have something to do with the lack of and poor wifi in Luxor, or the effects of the revolution in 2010, in terms of income, it might have something to do with the weather being good most of the year and the big open spaces, either way it reminded me of the differences between when I raised my kids in the 90's and the way other people raise their kids today.

In the UK and here in Dubai I see children all the time with iPads and mobile phones. Sitting in the trolley playing a game going round the supermarket, in restaurants, coffee shops and in their pushchairs. Nearly every single person I know has at least one gadget available for their child's use and in many cases I know of people who have bought a 2nd iPad for the 2nd child so they don't fight over it. Most families own game consoles and children as young as 8 have their own mobile phones with access to the internet and in many cases even social media accounts. 

As a mum now to 5 adults (almost, the last one turns 18 in April) I'm totally amazed and quite often stunned that (some) parents feel the need to have to entertain their children 24/7 and that (some) children without electronic devices can't seem to entertain themselves these days. With many parents quoting 'but we only have educational apps on them' Of course the child is going to complain when their 'screen time' is limited or interrupted, but they'll get used to it, over time, you'll just have to actually parent them for a little bit and teach them/show them how to behave without a hand held gadget.

I didn't own a mobile phone until I was 28 in 1999, that was also the year we purchased a computer and connected it to the internet at dial up speed. Up until that point I'd had a ZX Spectrum and a hand held packman and a walkman. My kids had various construction toys, toys for the garden and very few toys that required batteries, due to the expense. Toys were bought and sold at car boot sales, saved up for, for christmas and birthdays and borrowed from local toy libraries. We didn't have sky TV, but we did have a video player and borrowed and lent from family and friends.

Weekends and evenings were spent with friends, playing in the garden, with family and out in the street. The kids played unsupervised in the garden while I got on with household chores or played over the park with the neighbours kids, with at least one or two older children supervising or us parents with a flask of tea. Trips to the supermarket were done on the weekends and I usually had at least one child in tow whenever I had a doctors or dental appointment.

Holidays were 1 week a year camping and the occasional trip to the seaside, if the weather was nice. Trips to theme parks were reserved for birthday treats and school trips were local and only for the day.

When ever we went anywhere with the kids they packed themselves a small bag of toys and we added snacks, crayons and a colouring book. These bits and pieces would entertain them for hours on long car journeys, at the doctors or dentists, round the supermarket in the trolley, in their pushchair as we walked round town. We never took the kids for meals out, we didn't even have a McDonalds near us until we moved to Malvern in 2002.

My kids went through their entire primary school years without a mobile phone, none of their friends had one either, without TV's in their bedrooms and without demands for me to entertain them 24/7.

We didn't have the money, several of these years were spent as a single mum, there wasn't the number of gadgets around then as there is today.

We asked our family to club together for a DVD player for Christmas one year, for long car journeys in the mid 2000's that just ended up causing arguments and fights about who wanted to watch what. Eventually the kids had TVs in their bedrooms once they were over 14, they had mobile phones around the same age, but then there was no internet and few were capable of taking photo's. Then there were laptops when they went onto college or 6th form.

Don't get me wrong my kids were still little shits from time to time, or even most of the time. I couldn't blame it on technology, just 4 brothers, fighting to be the alpha male, bored with each others choice of activity but I did see a huge change in their behaviour, attitude and response to me and other adults once they did get access to game boys and TV's.

There's nothing wrong with having bored children, when I told my mum I was bored she'd find me some household chores to do, I soon decided I wasn't that bored and managed to entertain myself.

As an adult I probably spend way too much time on my laptop, phone and plonked in front of the TV, but as I'm an adult with no kids to parent and no job to go to, I can choose how to spend my time online, once I only do after I've done all the things I should be doing including going for a walk and cycling most days.

What makes a good parenting blog?

Certainly not a lot of the ones I read anyway.

I shock people sometimes with my honesty, I blog about real events, how it affects us as a family and what conclusions we have drawn. I have permission, I'm not allowed to photograph the teen, but he has helped me with the hashtags for his recent visit for instagram, even if it's only his arm that appears in the photo and they'd all rather I didn't tag them on Facebook as then all their friends get to see it, but they don't mind the rest of the family and my friends reading about it all.

Why am I writing this post? Well having joined in with numerous linkys/groups/forums I'm starting to see too much of an artificial world, too many scripted and planned out blogs, too many gushing reviews, too many perfect lives.

But it doesn't bother me that much, as I'm almost done with raising my family, in fact I no longer parent on a daily basis, there's only one child left under 18 and we packed him off as soon as we could back to the UK to boarding school, while we live the life of riley as expats in Dubai, by the beach. I'm sure that would probably get more hits for a post like that, but then it would probably attract the trolls also and anyway I write for myself, for others in similar situations and certainly not for the stats, which btw aren't too bad, but unlike a lot of you I'm not going to make a fortune from blogging unless I can get 10,000 hits per day (some of you are deluded, but you're happy I suppose) I did get 10,000+ hits recently on a youtube video over 2 days.

My youngest son moving to the UK was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life, it didn't get easier because we'd already had kids leave home, each child that left, wherever they went and for whatever reasons broke my bloody heart, but we knew they'd go one day. There were times when I could've quite cheerfully let them live with their other parent. The arguments, the rows, the fights, the name calling and yes it was both sides. It wasn't healthy for any of us, but now they are adults and now they have their own lives, we all just get on fine. We have our space, our own routines, our own habits, no one to annoy, no one to argue and fight with.

This is one of the downsides about living in a large family, you can't please one another all the time, in fact it is rare to even have one or two getting on at any one time. But when they come to visit now, they come as an only child, they come home to mum and dad, they come home as adults and we value and respect each others space, as we all remember what it was like to live on top of one another.

I have no issues with telling you the truth about the realities of family life. I don't care much if you think I'm a bad parent, I'm just a different parent, I am an honest parent.

I have a friend who is aghast at the antics of my children over the years. I told her not to judge as her son is only 11, she looked at me and I said 'I can see that you're thinking oh no, not my child, he won't be like that, ever' and as much as I'm truly not wishing any of the negative things about living with teens, I know she will have her own set of issues and worries about him, she will justify his behaviour, she will analyse her role in it, she may dismiss it, she may challenge it, but it will be there all the same.

The same with some of you when I read your blogs, there are food issues (please research the difference between food allergies and intolerances and learn that sometimes it's not always the food that causes your child to behave badly) I've been there, done that. There is being bullied at school, there is your child playing an active role in bullying, there is being top of the class, the best reader etc, but the reality is, half the time you're exaggerating your child's achievements, but I'm not knocking you for that, I'm proud of my kids also, I'll tell you when they've done something to make me proud. But I'm realistic and more often than not, I'll tell you about the things that went wrong, the pain, the heartache, the walking away, the tears behind closed doors.

It's difficult to measure the success of parenting unless you acknowledge the pitfalls and being honest with yourself certainly helps to make parenting a lot easier.

Why I'm not going to Britmums live

I went last year, I'd planned a trip to the UK and as I was flying in and out of Heathrow I decided to tag a few extra days to my trip and go to Britmums. I'm not going this year, although I did consider it when I planned my UK trip in April, but the dates don't coincide with the school holidays and the purpose of my trip was to spend time with my children, especially the 15 year old in Boarding.

Don't get me wrong I actually enjoyed Britmums and learnt an awful lot about working with brands, making the most out of your blog by adding pictures and so many other things that I use today, but it was hard work and I see familiar tweeters heading off there again this year, with the same issues and worries, namely:

What if no one speaks to me?

Put any group of people together and you'll discover they have little in common apart from the fact they are bloggers, tweeters, Mums (and Dads) stay at home/work part time/work full time.

I met people last year at Britmums that I admired, people whose blogs I read and enjoyed, people I wanted to meet and surprisingly people who wanted to meet me and actually sought me out.

However I met a few people who I never wish to meet again, in fact I unfollowed quite a few while I was there, especially the woman who walked up to me, took one look at my name tag and said 'oh you're Chickenruby' and turned her back on me to talk to the person I was with. A couple of other people did not come across as the person I knew online, looked different, sounded different from how I thought and in a lot cases acted very differently to the way they do online.

There were a lot of cliquey groups, seated together, attending the same seminars, closing others out, but hey that's their problem, not yours. A lot of you seem to raise this issue generally whether it's about Britmums, the school playground or an after school activity.

If I can give you any tips on how to make the most out of Britmums, how to relax and enjoy yourself, it would be:

Wear what you would normally wear for coffee with a friend, be comfortable and feel comfortable.

Don't automatically follow someone on twitter just because you've just met them.

Don't be afraid to unfollow someone when you have met them.

Don't worry about sitting on your own or joining another person who is also sitting on their own.

Don't be afraid to get up and walk away from a group or an individual if it's not 'your thing' say you need the loo, just be polite.

Remember most people in the room are probably feeling the same way as you are, nervous and apprehensive. The online world isn't the real world, you sit at home, go out with your friends for coffee, play dates with the kids, work and when the weekend comes you socialise with 'real' people and tweet and blog about your experiences and share with an online world, that you don't actually live in. 

I'll leave you with my most awkward Britmums moment.......On the Friday night, I sat down for dinner with a group of people I'd never met before and the woman on my right said 'Why did you block me on twitter?'

Why I hate saying Hello

As soon as I board the plane for the UK I start getting wound up. Having said 'Goodbye' to hubby I then travel to the UK a route that doubles back on itself. This trip I arrived in Manchester and my route took me to Leeds to say 'Hello' to the eldest son. I'm currently in Herefordshire saying 'Hello' to very dear friends and have my youngest son with me. The middle son dropped him off and I will be seeing him on and off over the next few weeks.

This evening I travel into Monmouth to stay with more friends and on Monday I say 'Hello' to my parents, sister, nephews, nieces and meet my great nephew. I'm also meeting up with the ex sister in law and my other niece.

In-between I have my step children to say 'Hello' and 'Goodbye' to and a couple of other friends.

I then travel to Bath to stay with more friends, say 'Hello' to my Mother in Law, maybe Sister in Law, but I think they're on holiday, then down to London to say 'Hello' and 'Goodbye' to friends down there.

My youngest and I return to Bath to say 'Goodbye' then to Monmouth to say 'Goodbye' then I take youngest back to school and say 'Goodbye' before I return to Herefordshire and say 'Goodbye' back to Leeds to say 'Goodbye' and then back to Manchester for a quick 'Hello' and 'Goodbye' to a few people there and a flight home to say a quick 'Hello' to hubby before he flies off to Nigeria for a week.