My Garden in October 2024

My husband has done some great work in the garden but he's not the best at tidying up when he's finished a job. 

I've been busy putting things away.

Cleaning things up ready to move to the tip.

Finding a home for the wheelbarrow.

Picking up stray gloves.

Tidying up the wood pile.

And gaining access down the side of the house.

Drying out the off cuts of wood.

And burning them in the fire pit.

The back garden is almost finished.

Just the wagon wheel to be mounted on bricks for the herb garden and the fir tree to be dug up and the new path to be laid.

The washing pole to be moved.

The succulents have been moved under cover and the winter boots are ready to be worn.

The bougainvillea has been repotted with a mixture of sand and compost, ready to be brought inside for the winter.

The more delicate plants and herbs have been put undercover.

The garden cushions have been stored for winter.

The Bay tree is waiting to be fleeced.

The last of the tomatoes have been picked to ripen on the window sill.

And the undercover area has been made ready for winter evenings and early mornings, for drinking tea, reading and still being able to enjoy the outdoors, whilst keeping warm and dry.

We planted some Angel Wing tulips with my granddaughter gifted to us by a friend after our daughter died.

'There you go Aunty Stephanie, stay hydrated'

2024 Week 43 - One Daily Positive, Project 365 and A Selfie a Day.

I'm feeling upset, not at how Stephanie died, it was ischemic bowel, there was nothing anyone could've done. nothing to do with her disability. I'm obviously more than upset about Stephanie's death.There are no words to describe how we feel right now other than lost. We cannot thank those enough that have rung, popped in, messaged, sent flowers, cards, food parcels, let us cry, talk, hugged us, attended the funeral, checked in, dragged us out for coffee. Obviously our 4 boys and their wives/partners have been our biggest network of support, but amongst of us, we've have noticed the absence of the above from others.

I understand it is hard to know what to say, I appreciate people have work, kids, their own lives to get on with and it's easy to pop a card in the post or to send a quick message or to even think well, it was a step child or she was in care. But she was our child. Our daughter died. She was nothing less than our daughter.

295 Monday We took child 3 down to Gatwick for his flight home to Australia. We'll be seeing him again in July when we fly out for a visit. Home to an empty house. We've been craving some time alone, but will really miss the boys being around. I've been feeling really strange today, disconnected from myself, there's a whooshing sound in my ears, my body isn't doing what I'm asking or expecting it to do, it doesn't feel part of me. I'm just functioning.

296  Tuesday Early start for a B12 jab, I met a friend from work with her husband for coffee. I decided to call in at work, to break the ice. I felt very uncomfortable going into school. I arrived before lunch and left after the kids had gone into their lessons. A few people hadn't heard and a couple ignored me, everyone else was very kind. We've had to go out every day for the past two weeks, mostly to Gloucester where Stephanie lived. It's a 50 mile journey, half country lanes, half motorway. It's been hard to function, concentrate on driving etc. We've kept up to date with washing, but there were beds to change, toys to tidy away and general tidying up to be done. We decided to take the cards down, the flowers were past their best. The house looks empty now. I did some gardening. We paid the funeral bill and in the evening I put some photos on Facebook.

297  Wednesday Today was a hard day. I just couldn't stop crying, it hit me really hard that there was no Stephanie in our future. Our lives had been consumed with who would look after her, fight for her after we died. I'd never thought for one minute she'd die before us. Peter encouraged me to get dress and get some fresh air. I went into town and did the Christmas shopping that I'd planned to do with Stephanie last weekend for our DIL's parents. I finished the day with coffee with friends after they finished work for the day. I then bumped into a parent from school. No one has been told why I'm off, they thought I was ill. I'd rather school had said I had a family bereavement so I didn't have to keep telling people over and over.

298  Thursday I'm not coping in the mornings, it feels like Groundhog Day. I made some dog beds as we're looking after child 4s dog for a few weeks and wrapped up gifts for our visit next week. I popped out to the nail bar and met my old student with her mum for a coffee. Getting out the house has really helped me. For some people they may find it strange that I'm going out but being around people is helping me. It's when I'm at home, I fall to pieces. I don't look or feel the best when I'm out, I don't think I'll ever feel the same old me again, how can I? but life does go on, and it will for us again, but it'll be different, it feels different already.

299  Friday I woke at 2am. It's the first night I've had less than 6 hours sleep since Stephanie died. We went out together for coffee and a food shop. We sorted some finances out in the afternoon and I dropped a birthday gift off with one of my friends from work. I packed for my weekend away and got the house ready for friends who are visiting from Germany next week.

300  Saturday It's our wedding anniversary, 22 years married. We forgot, we usually forget. October is the month that Peter and I met in 1999, although I've actually known Stephanie longer, having first met her around 1996. Today was penciled in the diary to take Stephanie out for a coffee and cake on my way to stay with a friend and drop off her halloween gifts. Instead I still had to call in her home to pay her outstanding gas and electricity bill. I then went for our planned Starbucks before heading down to see our granddaughter. I drove onto my friend's house for the night.

301 Sunday Off to visit my friend who came to the funeral and drop off her kids halloween treats and we had breakfast together, before driving onto see my old neighbours who I first met in 1995. Laura is a theatre nurse at Gloucester Royal Hospital and was with Stephanie the night she died, they are the same age and it gave Peter and I such comfort to see Laura as Stephanie was rushed into theatre. Laura sat with us while we waited to see Stephanie before they withdrew her life support. I got home late in the evening. Peter had cleaned and resprayed Bobs old cage.

Books read this week: 0

Words written towards book: 389 I've finished writing a story for my Grandson. I just need to print and bind it.

Clothes bought: 0

On the blog this week: Looks can be deceiving. I'm finally happy with the way I look (written and scheduled before Stephanie died) I've lost a lot of weight in the last 3 weeks, I've permanent bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and constant crying. I've remembered to wash my hair twice.

Things that have made me happy this week:

Friends, video calls, time in the garden, blogging.

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25th - 27th October 2024 Post Comment Love

Welcome back to #PoCoLo with Stephanie from Bosworth.Life and I.

Post Comment Love #PoCoLo is a friendly weekly linky where you can link up any blog post you've written this week. If you're new or a regular visitor we're sure you'll find something of interest.

These posts and tweet/X reminders and the blog posts I've linked up have been scheduled since mid September. Apart from adding this little bit, I'm don't really have the head space for much else at the moment. 

I am writing my weekly diary, although I'm struggling with the One Daily Positive and the 'Selfie a day' for a year has dropped off for now.

At some point in the year, I will come back and visit the post you linked up and as a family we have really appreciated your lovely comments sent for the loss of Stephanie.

We'd also appreciate your help spreading the #PoCoLo word on Twitter, tag us and we'll RT. You can find us on twitter here: Stephanie - @BosworthLife and Suzanne - @ChickenRuby 

I'll be catching up with reading your posts, sharing and commenting over the next few days. 

Want to find out more about Post Comment Love #PoCoLo? 

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53 years young comfortable with how I look.

This post was written in September 2024 and scheduled to go out on 21st October. Our daughter died on 7th October. It seems trivial to let this post go without with sharing this information with you. It's important to me that you know life isn't just carrying on as normal. It's also quite poignant if you reach the end of the post.

For the first time in my life (aged 53) I'm comfortable with how I look. My size, my style and my hair.

I'm at my most comfortable with clothing in the autumn and winter when I can stick jeans, a jumper and boots on and not have to think about layering. I hate feeling bulky. I hate feeling cold. Mind you I don't like being hot either. I do love a good summers day, the ones where you don't have to think about something warm for the evening, or a rain coat for later, or what type of shoes go with a dress because sandals won't cut it due to the rain forecast later.

I've always had reasonably good skin, although as I've got older I've developed liver spots, darkening patches of skin on my face. I've never tried to cover them although I do wear makeup, it's not heavy and I wear it for me. I''ve also always been happy to go out without make up on, but I always wear factor 50 sunscreen, since the age of 30 and I moisturise every day. I've never learnt to do my make up. All I've done over the years is change my colour of eye liner and mascara, these days it's black (it used to be blue in the 80's) and I've added in an eyebrow pencil in brown. Lipstick alters depending on my mood, but red is.a no go these days. 

I had a mall make over experience. I wiped it all off as soon as I left the store. It was so heavy and greasy. I've had two newspaper make overs and one by a professional make up artist, the latter was my favourite. She'd seen an article in the newspaper where it had aged me and offered to do a natural make over to make me look more my age. 

Before, during, the Teresa May Power Bob and after.

Mail Online 24th August 2016

Professional make up artist and photo shoot in UAE.

22nd May 2017

Sandwich Generation Mail Online 28th June 2018

Me and Mum

My nails are something I like to have done. Just a gel polish, once every 3-4 weeks, bright colours. I usually do my own soak off and spend around £30 on a new polish. I find if my nails are done, I can put my hair in a pony tail, not worry about make up and I'm good to go out.

I've lost weight recently. Only a stone. I'm now a size 10 trouser. I've fluctuated between a size 10-12 for the past 20 years. My top half is a 14. But with medication for migraines and no, the medication does not make me put on weight, it does increase my appetite and with up to 15 migraines a month I've always craved sugary foods. Just over a year ago. I realised the weight was no longer fluctuating, it was staying on and I was uncomfortable with how I looked and how I felt. My clothes still fitted me but were tight. My dresses that once fell from my bust, were now filling in and I was getting more aches and pains around my neck, shoulders and lower back. I started to watch what I was eating and slowly I managed to stabilise the weight gain and eventually started to lose some weight. A medication change earlier this year for the migraines helped me lose more weight and I'm now where I feel my most comfortable. I have more energy and in less pain.

My hair has always been the biggest thing I've had an issue with. I've NEVER been able to style it. I've NEVER had the right cut. I've grown it long, I've got fed up with it and had it cut short. I've had the worse hair cut EVER.

I asked for this in April 2022.

With an undercut.

I left like this:

I cried.

I washed and dried it, it looked like this:

I paid £48 to get it rectified. I was happy with the end result. I've only had it trimmed three times since.

I've had hair extensions, I've had it dyed almost every colour going, in fact right now, it's faded from a bright blue, underneath at the back to a pale green. Colours I've always been happy with. I've always alternated between short and long hair every couple of years. My hair grows quickly. It's only taken 2 years to grow from short to this below and you'll notice it's also gone from grey to blond and no it's not died. It was dark when I was younger, I went grey around my early 30's started to dye it blonde, let it grow out grey, then discovered it was blonde after all, could've saved a fortune.

But styling I've never got the hang of, until I bought one of these new fan dangled devices online, my hair has spent years being straightened or scrapped up in a pony tail, or just chopped short again. 

Are you happy with being you? The way you look? Your hair? Your fashion sense?

I'm not always happy with the inside, but on the outside I feel good and sometimes that's all that matters and it's what keeps me going some days, but please don't judge me by that. I might look like I've got it all together, but looks can be very deceiving. 

18th - 20th October 2024 - Post Comment Love

Welcome back to #PoCoLo with Stephanie from Bosworth.Life and I.

Post Comment Love #PoCoLo is a friendly weekly linky where you can link up any blog post you've written this week. If you're new or a regular visitor we're sure you'll find something of interest.

We said goodbye to child 1 this week, our daughter Stephanie. It may seems strange that I'm doing something so normal like blogging, but apart from adding these few personal words and a photo, everything else has been scheduled for the past 3 weeks and the rest of the month. 

Where talking is almost impossible, saying the words 'our daughter died' will be stuck in the back of my throat forever, but typing and writing come easier, reading through all the messages sent with love from family and friends around the world has provided Peter and I with the greatest of comfort over the past 12 days, as much as the physical hugs from our family and closest of friends.

To have people reach out from the blogging world, from social media, who have lost a child, people I've connected with from 15 years ago, people who have moved from online friends to real world ones, who have met our daughter, people who have only ever followed our journey online as parents of a disabled adult and helped us with out daily battles, it has been the best network we could've ever asked for.

No I'm not functioning, I'm not writing this with clarity, I can hardly see through the tears. I'm not getting on with normal life, life with never be the same again. It will be OK, I believe you when you tell me that, it will just be different, there will be a new normal.

RIP Stephanie 

2nd February 1988 - 7th October 2024

We'd also appreciate your help spreading the #PoCoLo word on Twitter, tag us and we'll RT. You can find us on twitter here: Stephanie - @BosworthLife and Suzanne - @ChickenRuby 

I'll be catching up with reading your posts, sharing and commenting over the next few days. 

Want to find out more about Post Comment Love #PoCoLo? 

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter

2024 Week 41 - One Daily Positive, Project 365 and A Selfie a Day. The week our daughter died.

I've written this blog post on Sunday. I've found writing very cathartic in the past when my father died, being able to look back in time and reflect. We never saw this coming. We've been extremely busy with phone calls and trips back and forth to Gloucester, but in-between there has been a lot of silence, tears, talking, staring into space and we seem to be tag teaming, one of us is functioning, the other isn't coping. We're looking after each other.

This isn't an easy read.

281  Monday Life changed today. It started off normally but by 1pm it became clear that our eldest child, Stephanie had gone from being unwell to potentially quite poorly and I left work with Peter and we intended to be in Gloucester should we be needed at the hospital at any point. By the time we arrived in Gloucester at 2.24pm, the hospital staff had asked us to come in. We waited for her to come back from a scan and at 4pm they said she would probably need surgery. At 4.30pm she would need surgery or would likely die without it. At 4.45pm it was likely she would not survive the surgery. At 5pm it was unlikely she would not survive to make it to surgery. Peter and I raced after the team as they rushed her up to theatre and as the doors shut, we knew she wouldn't make it. At 6.30pm they called us into the relatives room and at 7.15pm we held her hand and sat with her they withdrew life support. We called her brothers. We drove home in total shock.

Weekly bin lorry photo sent to Grandson.

282  Tuesday Little sleep, lots of calls, messages,  child 2 and his wife arrived for the day, chips were eaten and lots of tea drunk, afternoon naps, lots of tears, disbelief. So much to think about, so much to process. So much pain. My work colleagues have been amazing, I reached out in the WhatsApp group and met a friend for coffee, another colleague came to visit Peter to keep him company while I was out.

Found a raspberry growing in the garden.

283  Wednesday We had an appointment to collect the death certificate, then within in 2 hours her funeral was booked. We've had a very difficult time with her mother for the past 25 years. Stephanie and her brother lived with us after their separation. My 3 boys have never known a life without Stephanie in it. I'm only here to tell Stephanie's story, but the three of there were there with Stephanie when she died, we've made the music, flower, service choices together. Peter and I are writing the eulogy, organising the photos and Stephanies brothers will be her pallbearers. Home in a daze, there was an offer of coffee, it's doing me good to get out and for Peter and I to take a break from each other.

Child 3 is flying over from Australia and requested Marmite.

284  Thursday Ophthalmology Worcester Royal Hospital 6 monthly check up. I've been signed off now, the condition has almost completely improved since the migraines have gone from 15 a month to 2-3 a month. We then drove over to Stephanie's home to collect her photos and some of her belongings. Apart from clothes, she didn't have much. Stephanie wasn't aware she could have choices, therefore she didn't have favourites, her clothes were purchased by numerous people, selected for her to wear every day and she was dressed top to toe. I picked up a cushion and a couple of soft toys to give to her siblings at keepsakes which I'd bought for her previously. Her room still smelt of her. Peter found this the hardest. Evening spent sorting through photos.

Is there such a thing as a sign?

285  Friday There is only 1 photo of her and her mother, it was damaged in the frame. I took it into town to see if they can get a digital repair for us, they will have it by Saturday. I was in such a state, the hate, the bitterness, the past came flooded out. Why am I always the good person, why I am the one who is always brave who looks after everyone. It's her photo, it's her fault she didn't take more, it's her fault I'm here right now in so much pain, grieving the loss of a child, yet here I am doing her a favour. I was violently sick. I dove myself to the Dr and asked for help.

Peter's mum and sister came up for the day. Work colleagues arrived with a fantastic food basket. We ate properly for the first time this week. I had 8 hours solid sleep and Peter had 10 hours. 

Selfies are back. Last day of Grandsons holiday in Spain, he's so excited to be seeing his Daddy tomorrow who has flown home early from work he doesn't know why, but he's going to make the most of it before he has to return after the funeral.

286  Saturday Today was a booked visit to take Stephanie out for the day for Peter's birthday. I'd bought cake. Instead we went down the retail park. Peter had his flu jab and did a food shop. I met another colleague for a coffee. 

Child 2, his wife and granddaughter came in the evening as planned and we ate cake, and started to sort through old family photos, carved melons and decorated the house for halloween, using the decorations I'd bought for Stephanie for her care home.

287  Sunday We asked the family to leave mid morning as we had the eulogy to write, photos to upload for the funeral service, beds to make, a house to clean, photo albums to put away. We're exhausted. We just need time to be. A friend did a door step drop with a card and flowers. We invited her in, but I think she could see how exhausted we were.

Books read this week: 0

Words written towards book: 0

Clothes bought: 0

On the blog this week: Days out in the campervan

What made me happy this week: The boys are all coming home. There has been some happy news this week amongst the sadness. We' already knew we had some amazing friends, but how they've managed to step up yet another gear has astounded us.

Memories, flowers friends, 

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