I'm not bored, I'm lonely.

I'm thinking of leaving the curtains closed for a few days and see if any of my neighbours notice and knock on the door to see if I'm OK.

We're constantly being told through the media to check on those on their own, the vulnerable, the elderly. And yes, I'm doing that. I'm still doing mums online shopping for her and even sorted out her Christmas shopping and cards when I posted to her last week while they've been in lockdown in Wales and the presents are all with my DIL just over the border in England for her to drop off once England come out of lockdown in early December.

During Lockdown 1.0 I felt like I was in Groundhog day, but I had more than enough things to be getting on with renovating the house and garden and every Thursday for 9 weeks all the neighbours checked in on the street for Clap for Key workers, in between they seemed to be spending a lot of time at the front of their house, hanging around waiting for a door to open to grab a chance for a quick chat.

I then travelled to Dubai for 3 weeks, I let the neighbours know I was going, then I returned for two weeks to isolate and not one neighbour came round, asked if I needed anything, in fact some 4 weeks later I saw a neighbour who said 'oh you're back' and since then, not a peep from any of them.

Dealing with loneliness is something I've been doing now for 10 years, back home in Dubai, Peter is out at work everyday and although I get out the house most days for something to do, same as I'm doing here during covid, I'm on my own, filling up 10+ hours. There is only so much reading, drinking coffee, cleaning to do, writing letters, watching TV, but at least he would be home at the end of the day. In the UK there is even more time to fill. Thankfully I'm sleeping now for at least 8-10 hours a day. but if you take out prepping, cooking and meal times, a shower/bath, dog walk, coffee/tea, washing up, cleaning etc that still leaves 8+ hours a day to find something to do to relieve the boredom and loneliness.

I have been going out everyday for long walks with the dog, stopping for a coffee, sitting outside and I often find someone to chat with and once a week I've been going further afield to visit family and friends and my friend comes round every Friday night for chips and wine, but of course we're back in lockdown again so that all stops.

I'm sure there are many others like myself, on their own but not falling into the elderly or vulnerable category. I know there are many others that are craving some alone time whilst juggling work from home and home education, I see it on social media daily. I'm grateful not to have finances to worry about, that I have a garden to sit and work in and a car to get out further a field. I have hobbies, things to do to entertain myself, but nothing replaces the emptiness of the house, the silence that I'm living in for the majority of the time and its hard work.

The longer I'm not around people the more my anxiety builds when I do go out and the less I want to actually be around people, the thought of sitting on a plane for 7 hours soon, is creeping in, there's no one to just talk to when I need to, I have to wait till people have finished work, sorted the kids out and had 5 mins to breathe and rest before we can speak and then I don't want to off load, I want to hear about their day, talk about anything and feel grateful they've made the time for me to remember I'm on my own and I'm struggling.

Personal reaction to Covid-19

It's strange how family and friends around the world are experiencing the reactions to Covid-19 and how their governments and their neighbours how people are responding.

This isn't a post about government response or how the spread is being handled, the rights or the wrongs, it's about day to day living.

Dubai closed schools on March the 8th initially for 4 weeks. Within 2 weeks social distancing started, a week later attractions and meeting places were closed down and by week 4, Emirates stopped flying and the borders were closed. A week later a curfew was in place between 8pm and 6am and now you are only allowed to leave your house for essential work and supplies., you must apply for a permit online first.

I arrived in the UK on March 24th, the day before the UK went into lockdown, around the same time as Dubai did, but in a different way.

When I left Dubai on the 24th as a citizen I had to sign a mandatory agreement to go into 14 day isolation in a medical facility upon my return. The previous week, Dubai authorities had closed the E gates. On arrival in the UK, I walked through passport control as usual, through the electronic gates and out.

There was a woman meekly asking if people wanted a leaflet, it offered advice on self isolating if you'd recently visited the countries on the list. The UK, Heathrow T5 missed a valuable opportunity to check where people had travelled from prior to their arrival from Dubai, we were a full plane of passengers in close proximity to one another for 7 hours. No one checked which countries I'd travelled from.

I practised self distancing from my friend who collected me from the airport and kept me safe over night before I made a journey using 3 trains across the country to get home. I had a carriage to myself as the staff on the platforms were advising people to do this.

The second week in March I'd spoken to my son in Australia who made the decision to stay put as he has a job in transport, a car, a flat and a girlfriend. The PM advised no one was to leave the country and some airlines announced they would no longer be flying out of Australia from March till June 14th.

My husband and our 4 boys all are key workers, husband and youngest child can work from home, the other 3 are still going out to work each day. I made the decision to return to the UK as we have a disabled child in the UK, she's not at risk from the virus health wise but she does live in a care home and we were concerned as to what would happen to her should the staffing levels drop, at least with me being here, I could have her home. She requires 24/7 care and supervision, to the extent I would have to take her to the bathroom with me and she would be a risk in the kitchen when I was cooking, but I wouldn't be able to leave her in the front room unsupervised, but I'll manage if I have to. I also came back as the weather is heating up in Dubai and it won't be long before I wouldn't even be able to sit in the garden, also my MIL was house and pet sitting and wanted to get back to her own home.

I've managed to get an online shop for my mother, my niece and her family live in the same town so have been able to pop up with additional supplies when needed, but they're not wanting to go out with 4 small children unless they have to.

I've been to the shops 3 times now for essentials, thankfully I'd stockpiled back in February before I returned to the UK, not because of the virus, but because I knew I wouldn't have a car on my return. All I needed to do was stock up with meat and fruit and veg. I'm also walking the dog on a daily basis but only for a short walk, incase we go into further lockdown like Dubai and I won't be able to take him out.

I've noticed neighbours walking their dog twice a day or taking the dog out in the car to go for a walk, people are going out everyday to pick up food for that evening, rather than just shopping in one go when needed. whilst I appreciate there maybe reasons for this, I'm seeing similar comments being made on social media and in local fb groups. I'm not intending to shame, but I don't think a lot of people have really grasped the size of this pandemic and that it's worldwide and affecting people of all ages.

There seems to be an assumption that as the stores are open people can go in them. I've heard people moan the queues are too long and they're not prepared to wait, people who have visited 3 stores in one day to get a particular brand of food, people over 70 going to the shops daily as it's 'their slot time for shopping' despite having relatives that could shop for them.

It also amazes me how many people seem to think this lock down is personal, that it is only happening like this in the UK and that other countries are managing it better, that the government is at fault for it's spread, that they SHOULD have been told earlier to stay indoors. People were acting with anger at the train station because their train was delayed or cancelled, people are acting in disbelief that this is actually happening but following the guidelines, some blatantly ignoring them, some say it's a government conspiracy.

I appreciate I am fortunate that I don't have to worry about my income, I don't have children to home school, I'm healthy, have a garden and I have more than enough things to do to keep myself occupied with renovating our family home after 9 years of tenants.

I'm following all the guidelines, washing my hands after handling the post, wiping down the bin and door handles for the refuse collectors and the people who deliver the post. I'm using only one pair of shoes and one coat when I go outside and keeping them separate. I'm washing everything that comes into the house and carry wipes, gloves and hand gel with me where ever I go and using it.

My positives:

Getting more work done than I anticipated
Saving money by not going out for coffee everyday
Learning new skills such as tackling a plumbing job and making repairs
Reconnecting with old friends
Grateful for the video online calling services that are blocked in Dubai

My negatives:
Missing my husband and no idea when we'll see each other again
Whole days go by without a real life person to talk to
No one to make me a cup of tea in the morning
No one to cuddle other than the cat and dog
The silence is deafening

Life in lockdown during Covid-19. Mistaking loneliness and boredom

In January this year, my husband and I began a long distance marriage. We've been living abroad for 9 years, with only 2-3 years before Peter retires and issues with our tenants in our family home, we decided I would return to the UK with the cat and dog and prepare for our eventual full time return.

I will travel month on month off between the UK and Dubai, ensuring I met the visa requirements for Dubai, 1 visit within 6 months. For the UK, 193 nights per year.

Well life never works out as planned and I returned to the UK on the 24th March, the day before Dubai closed it's borders and the UK went into lock down.

I've written often in the past about loneliness and how isolated I feel living as an expat, especially when Peter travels as much as he does. I'm a do'er, a planner, a get stuck right in and make the most of every situation and take every opportunity that arises.

The day before I left Dubai, Emirates announced the suspension of all passenger flights and on arrival in the UK I received notification my visit back to Dubai on April 27th till May 27th was cancelled. In hindsight I've done the right thing coming back to the UK, although my family think I should've stayed in Dubai with Peter. We have no idea when we'll see each other again in person.

Peter works in hygiene in the food industry he is busier than ever. I already feel my life has been put on hold by living as an expat and juggling family life in the UK, it was impossible for me to work.

Life for me in Lockdown hasn't changed much.

I spend 10 hours a day on my own, when Peter isn't travelling. 10 hours everyday, without kids, a job and friends, it's a lot of time to fill every single day. I make sure I go out everyday for a coffee, a walk. When I'm in the UK Bob and I walk for hours, stop for coffee a bit of shopping and home. In both Dubai I can spend the whole day without a verbal conversation with anyone other than 'I'd like a latte please' and 'thank you'

I am lonely and bored in Dubai, especially when the summer comes making it almost impossible to leave the house in the heat. In the UK I spend my time with family and friends, people are more inclined to chat here, dog walkers, other coffee shop goers, random people in the supermarkets.

I have plenty to do here in the UK with our home and garden. Thankfully all the major jobs were completed in January, all the stuff I need to finish painting and for cleaning has been bought. Back in February before Peter returned to Dubai, I made the most of the car hire and did a huge food shop, dog food, cat litter, washing liquid etc. I have enough to keep me going for several months.

I've got a pile of books, DVD's (one of the things the tenants left behind) I have basic tools to carry out simple repairs and enough tools to sort the garden out.

I have boxes of my late fathers belongings still unsorted, I have crafts to do and seeds to plant, things I'd bought for family and friends for easter, that I won't be posting now, including 4 small easter eggs and a selection of jelly sweets to snack on. I can still walk the dog for the time being and food shops are every 9-10 days.

I have regular video calls with family and friends, and several times a day with Peter. I'm confusing loneliness with boredom and boredom with loneliness. I have plenty of things to do in the UK. I'm surrounded virtually with family and friends, something I don't have when I'm in Dubai due to voice over internet being blocked over there and I don't have much to do when I'm in Dubai other than walk round the malls and go out for coffee and the occasional pub quiz or dinner out.

Has much changed for you?

Why do I share so much stuff online?

This was something Peter and I were discussing this weekend. It's simple really. I can go days without speaking to another human being, other than a phone call twice a day with Peter when he is travelling or a shop assistant when I purchase a coffee.

I have no one to share things with.

I 'speak' to my mum several times most days and to at least one of the kids daily, but this speaking is in the form of the written word since Skype was blocked the beginning of this month.

Peter said it was the same for him, he only has me out here in Dubai and he doesn't feel the need to share what he does on a daily basis online. I reminded him he goes to work everyday, he's in an office where people will ask about his plans for the weekend or what he did this weekend, they will ask after me, the kids, the animals, how we've settled into the new house. Me? I don't have that.

I have a couple of friends who I occasionally spend time with, but not on a regular basis. Yes I could make more of an effort, but one works and the other is always busy with various activities and I sort of feel that I get slotted into their lives, rather than them choosing to spend time with me. It's not the kind of friendships where you just pop in or pick up the phone and say 'hi, you coming round for coffee?'

I have several social media accounts, 2 face book pages. One Daily Positive where I post a photo a day and link up with a weekly post with Project 365. I've just started my 4th year doing this. I started it to make sure I got out of the house every day and initially used photo prompts that encouraged me to explore Dubai after a recent move there. Chickenruby is linked to my Instagram account and I basically post photos on there which link to twitter also of anything and everything that catch my attention, make me smile, wind me up, tell a short story or just because. I tend not to use twitter too much these days, but pop over there from time to time and catch up with a few people. I also use facebook for connecting with family and friends back in the UK and around the world, but more for commenting, messaging and I post on there maybe only once a week.

However I blog 3-4 times a week and like everything else, I go by the name of Chickenruby, so called as I used to have a chicken called Ruby.

A long time ago I made the decision to only put on my blog what I get up to, hence my blog is all about me.
From time to time this has caused some discussion amongst family members ‘what about me? Are we not important in your life?
Well of course they all are. I’m a daughter, sister, mother, aunt, friend amongst many other things. A lot of what I do in life involves being one or many of the above. It also means a lot of what happens to me and what I do involves other people. Mostly my husband, my children and my mother.

I have a lot going on in my life right now and I'm not coping very well with it, physically and mentally. I had pneumonia all through the summer, autumn and now into the winter. My dad died last summer and I'm still struggling with this. My health is holding me back, I'm still doing stuff, getting stuff done, dealing with day to day life, even going to the pub in the evenings, but I'm slow, breathless and struggling physically.

There's an awful lot going on in my life and as usual I blog about it. I blog about parenting and my travels and adventures with my dog Bob. But I blog about what I get up to, how the above affects me, what I'm doing to support the teen with finding a job, helping my mum with selling her home and buying a new flat, about dealing with my health, about how my kids moving abroad has affected my life,

I try not to blog about what other people are doing that causes me grief, about their actions or lack of actions affects me, how their crisiticisms of what I'm doing or not doing hurt me. How they feel I waltz in and take over, how they will tell me how I make them feel, how I upset them, how I don't take their feelings into account, how I could just buy the teen a car, how the teen in their opinion isn't making anough of an effort, but if I tell them how their actions and words are in my opinion making things worse, how their solutions are easy to say but not actually practiable, they get hurt and upset and it just makes all the above worse and harder for me to cope with.

I know I choose to live abroad, but others choose to live where they do also, and whilst I dont critise their choice of where to live, I feel they critise my choice of where I choose to live my life. Whilst I've had a whole world of opportunities opened up for me, I also feel that when they say as 'one door closes another one opens' that for me it feels like 'as one door opens and I go through it, it then closes firmly behind me and I have no choice to go back, only to move on and I'm not always comfortable with going forward into to the unknown.

So basically I share stuff online to interact, to get a response, for feedback that I'm actually doing ok, for contact with the outside world. I can't just pop in to see people, but I can spam their timelines with what I'm up to.

Why do you share what you do online?

Why I regret having my children so young

I'm 45, my children have grown up and left home. I'm lonely.

Living as an expat has cut my parenting short as my youngest child now aged 17 left home 3 years ago to attend boarding school in the UK. Second youngest and the last of 5 left home in January 2014.

Everyone I know my age has their children still living at home and the majority of those children are still in primary school.

When I meet people who are in a similar situation with grown up children, they are usually 10 years older than me and while they are lovely people, we have little in common other than we are expats. Although I do have a few friends with childen a similar age to mine, they live in the UK and have them still living at home.

I'm sure things would've been very different had we remained in the UK, for sure the teen would still be at home, but even before we left the UK he was in boarding school, but at least there would be weekends, the odd evening visit and all the school holidays rather than just Easter, Summer and Christmas for visits.

I was 21 when my first child was born. I'd left home 4 years earlier, had a job, a flat, money and a reasonably good life, with the odd holiday and nights out.

My friends didn't have children and I had left my home town, I was also a single mum, so I moved home for a short time, before marrying and adding 2 more children to the family. I divorced, remarried and inherited 2 step children slightly older than mine, but still in primary school.

We currently live in Dubai and previously in South Africa due to Peter's  job, I don't begrudge him his career opportunities I just wish he could do this in the UK or at least closer to home.

I've been working this year, in a school. I only have the school holidays off. Summer, Winter and Spring, so far I've only made 1 trip back to the UK this year for 6 weeks over the summer and won't be back again until next summer. That's a whole year of not being part of a family, being lonely and missing out on life. 

Three of the kids have been out to visit a couple of times this year, my mother is here in November for 3 weeks and quite a few friends have been to visit with a couple more lined up, but it's not the same as just being part of life when we want, rather than waiting for it to happen.

We do get on with things, apart from food shopping, dog walking, housework, we go for the occasional brunch, eat out a couple of times a week in local restaurants, go for coffee and cake, visit the garden centre, walk round a mall, but it's boring and repetitive. Occasionally we meet people and socialise, but not on a scale like we used to and want to. We have little in common with the people we meet, their kids are at home still to they are older than mine with kids of their own. I don't know a single person who has their child in boarding school 1000's of miles away. I have some contact with a set of parents who are similar ages to us and have our son for exeat weekends, but they only live an hour away from the school and we've not met them yet, they also have 2 younger children, so their parenting will last a good few more years than ours.

I thought having my children young would mean I'd have all my life ahead of me, I could study further, travel, develop my career. I was right of course, I've returned to teaching, I always have fuel in my car, chocolate and coke in the fridge and money in my wallet. I answer only to myself, eat what I want, when I want and go to bed when I want. Of course Peter and I have the freedom to do all the above, but if I'm honest, and after years of wishing for routine and 'me' time, it's actually rather boring and lonely.

I am potentially just over half way through my life and I find it quite daunting that to date more than half of it has been spent as a Mother, I'm just not sure what else I can do to ever feel THAT fulfilled/wanted/needed again.

I want to go home

Life just isn't that simple is it. There's a lot to do if you want to pack your life up and relocate 1000's of miles away, trust me, we've done it twice in the past 5 years.

Originally from the UK, we moved to South Africa then 4 years later to Dubai. It's not an easy process and by no means cheap and it is very stressful, especially when you leave your children, family and friends behind.

If I could turn back the clock I probably would, but it would have to be before the question arose 'Do you want to move to South Africa?'

Both Peter and I had hoped for a long time there would be an opportunity to move abroad with his company, but we didn't actively seek it out, and it's certainly something we never would've done off our own backs.

Hence the quandary we are now in.

I want to go home, but there is no job for Peter back in the UK, but there is a job in Dubai for as long as he wants it, or until he retires in 7 years.

7 years left, living in Dubai, I honestly don't think I can do it.

We need to stay out here for at least another 2 years, to enable us to afford the teens boarding school fees, moving to South Africa in year 7 had a dramatic effect on his education and it was with a sad heart we sent him back to the UK to finish his education in 2013. We really don't want to disrupt his education again, he sits his A/S levels this summer. We did look at him coming to Dubai, but with him being dyslexic, dysgraphic and dyscalculia, the timing just wasn't right.

I'm back in work for the first time since we left the UK, I enjoy my job, but I'm struggling to work in this culture and drowning under a pile of paperwork.

It took a lot of effort to integrate into life in South Africa and leaving there, against our wishes, was a wrench, as big as leaving the UK in the first place.

I'm scared to make the same level of investment here in Dubai, I just don't think I could cope with that level of upheaval again. I'm distancing myself from people, from making friendships, from settling down.

My husband is my best friend, my only friend, he is away this week, last week and next week, I feel so isolated, alone.

We could of course return to the UK with a few months planning, we have savings to cover school fees until next Easter, that would give me time to find employment. But we'd need to find the money to get back to the UK. We have a house there to move back into once we give the current tenants their notice, it would take a few months to organise, handing in our notices, organising shipping, the cat and the dog, closing down bank accounts etc. Our rent is due for renewal here in early December, so that would be our deadline.

But it's not going to happen, what would Peter do? I know how hard forced unemployment was when we relocated to South Africa, how I struggled, the depression, but I had 2 children with me, school runs, activities etc to keep me going and on the move to Dubai, the dog and cat and settling in occupied my time until I got a job. But it wouldn't be the same for Peter it would be the end of his working life as such and as much as he dreams of retirement, it will take a bit more time to adjust to than a few months.

I am fully aware that the grass isn't greener on the other side, when we see our family and friends doing things that we long to do, pine for. In fact the grass is none existent here right now with it being summer and too hot to go outside and do most things. I'm aware that life sounds exciting for us, living in Dubai, all the opportunities we've had and still have to come. Living in a world class holiday destination, but life abroad isn't a holiday. I was out the house at work from 6am - 4.15pm. I've done the washing, walked the dog, cooked dinner and washed up and hoovered and mopped through the house and cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. I'll still have all that to do back in the UK also

So as much as I want to go home, I'm also realistic and know it's not going to happen anytime soon. It doesn't make it any easier or harder, we know that if we need to return, we could afford to, now we've looked into the possibilities and hopefully we'll be better prepared emotionally and financially to do so when the time is right, it just isn't now.

Once an expat always an expat?

I’m ready to go home, although I’m not sure where home is anymore. I’ve always associated ‘home’ with the kids, but now they’ve all left and are spread out over the UK, where would I go back to?

We still own a house in Malvern but that stopped being our home when we let tenants move in, their subsequent trashing of our house made it even easier not to consider it a return to point anymore.

The first 2 years in South Africa was all about settling in, adjusting to a new way of life, culture, language and a whole different way of doing things. The 3^rd year was been all about sorting out the youngest education, which has resulted in him returning to boarding school in the UK and the other son completing his Matriculation and the ‘what next?’ which has also involved a move for him back to the UK.

So hubbies job continues here, but what about me? I was depressed, I did struggle, but I had the boys to support with their schooling, activities, cleaning the ever messy house and begging for 5 minutes peace and quiet.

Well I’ve got it now, by the bucket load. 9 years before hubby retires, another 9 years here? To do what? I have plenty of voluntary work I can do, have already taken up new hobbies crafting and sewing. I swim and walk the dog daily, I have some good friends, but they all work during the day and have young kids. Hubby and I go out together for meals, picnics, dog walks and holidays, but there is just too much time left in the week when I’m on my own and bored.

My idea to return to the UK just won’t work, there is no job for hubby over there and with 28 years service it would affect his pension and at 56 he’d find it hard to walk into another job. I’m not just going to walk into a new career over night and I know how hard it was for me to go from full time work to stay at home mum without asking hubby to do that, except there’d be no kids at home for him to look after.

So I guess our only option is to move to another country, one where I can work and we’re looking into Dubai for February 2015, there are plenty of training and educational jobs on offer for me, but I need to check the reality of how easy it is to actually get a job there.

In the meantime I'm swimming everyday, blogging, raising awareness of disabilities in South Africa, fundraising, voluntary teaching, enjoying new activities, learning new skills which I'll take with me and continue doing where ever I am in the world.

For now, I have plenty of projects to work on, to keep me busy, 6 months left of a degree to keep my mind active, but it's not relieving the loneliness, I'm struggling to motivate myself to get things done.

When you have all day to do nothing in, one tends just to do that, nothing.