Do our adult kids still need their mum?

I'd like to think so, but then I examine my relationship with my mother and realise I don't actually need her, I actually want her in my life.

I left home at 17, I've not been parented since, our lives are very different from each others. I now live abroad, but I've always had the need to spread my wings and as much as I think my mother would've liked me as a 'home bird' it was never going to happen. She also moved away from her family at a young age and has remained close with them if not geographically but through visits, letters and regular phone calls.

Around the time I left home, her mother went to live with her for a few years. it wasn't the most successful of stays, but it made her realise that when her time came for being looked after, it wasn't going to be done by her children.

But we're nearing that time, not in the next few years, but in the future for certain. It won't be me needing my mother, it will be her needing her us.

Over the last 2 years the roles have been changing slightly since my father died in 2017. I don't do my mother's finances, I just help and advice her with them. I have no access to her money and every telephone call I make on her behalf she has to verify she's happy for them to talk with me.

I now get to spend time with my mother doing nice things, lunch, coffee's, shopping, short breaks and her visiting us in Dubai. There's no definitive role. She no longer has a say or input in my life in regards to decisions I make, she is not the first person I consult, that is my husband, but she is informed of our decisions, our future moves, our choices and it's been like that for almost 20 years now.

My parents never consulted me after I reached adulthood about moving house or going on holiday, they just informed me. I do the same now. But I still inform her and the children of what is going on, travel plans, my health, friendships and what I bought when I went out shopping.

I'm hoping the same can be said by my children. So far so good. We've been involved in all the major decisions in their lives, they consult us about things, they tell us their travel plans, their plans for the future, if they've bought a new car, but they don't ask us to help them anymore. They'll run their ideas past us, but usually at that point they've made their decision. They'll ask for financial advice, but not for money, with planning their futures, renting a flat, buying a house, planning for their wedding.

They'll ask to stay in our flat and treat it with respect, it's always clean and tidy when I want to use it, we don't charge them rent for living there for periods of time in between jobs or travels. They respect us as adults as we do them.

They are all adults now, they are all financially responsible for themselves, they have other people to consult with before us as parents, which is how it should be.

We've done our job, raised them with minimum hassles, to be strong and independent individuals, with their own views and opinions, but do they still need their mum?

Who knows? We've really not been tested yet as parents to adult children, the 4 boys range in age from 19 - 29. They've all needed guidance at some point since leaving home, help sorting out finances, support making decisions to move abroad and change jobs. We live 3000 miles away from them, we're not there for the day to day stuff, although they do tell us about their normal lives.

We're not there to help with the driving lessons, or take them out for dinner to check in, we have to rely on them contacting us if they need support, we don't see the changes and aren't around to pick up on hints and clues, that they might need us. We rely on them to tell us.

They are all adults now with the youngest turning 20 next month.

Do they need their mum though? No I don't think they do anymore, I'm not and shouldn't be the first person they turn to for help, support and guidance, but they do keep me informed of their life decisions, they know I'm here if they need anything, they know they have a home to go to whether it's using our UK flat or coming to visit us in Dubai. They know they can ask for financial help, but they rarely do, if ever. They know they can tell me anything and I'll support them.

They choose to have a mum as adults, I'm not their friend. That's my husbands role........lol.

Having an adult child in care

We left the UK in January 2011, we took 2 of our 5 children with us, one was living in Germany, the other in Reading and the eldest in a care home in Gloucestershire.

If you think putting a child into care is easy, think again about how difficult it is to move 1000's of miles away.

Our daughter is 28, she has been in care since she was 12. She is profoundly disabled and lives in a bungalow with one other woman and is staffed 24 hours a day, funded by Gloucestershire Social Services. She is profoundly disabled, wears nappies and needs 24/7 care as she is a risk to herself if left unattended. She can feed herself if the food is chopped up and she uses a spoon with a plate guard and can drink unaided out of a sippy cup. She has no form of communication, doesn't even make eye contact and recognises us only by our routines with her when we visit.

Contact and communication with her is impossible. We write regularly, send the staff emails, send gifts and when we visit the UK we take her out to see her siblings and other family members. Sadly we can't have her out over night any more as we don't have a base in the UK or anywhere suitable to take her. Family homes aren't appropriate, there's hardly enough room for us to stay and hotel rooms are too small, as she is rather active and needs a lot of space to wander in.

She is too old for ball pools and children's play areas, not mentally but physically and she does grab out at people passing by and small children, she has a particular fondness for long hair. If we go to cafe's or restaurants she swipes everything off the table and we often find the lack of disabled changing facilities difficult to go to other places, so we tend to stick to supermarkets where the ground is even, they have good changing facilities and a cafe without fancy table cloths for her to pull off.

Prior to us leaving the UK, we had her home every weekend and visited her in her own home 30 miles from ours once a week. When we left the UK, we didn't abandon her or our other adult children. She is unable to visit us abroad like the other children can, a car journey is difficult with her and she needs to wear a harness, to stop her climbing out of her seat, so a flight is impossible and not fair on her to pin her in a seat for 7 plus hours, let alone the other passengers.

It was her 28th birthday yesterday. We last saw her in September, my mum calls her once a month, but that's the end of family involvement with her, the boys only visit when they're with us, but to be fair, we can't expect them to take her out and change her in the toilets. It's also difficult to visit her in her own home due to the turn over of staff. Every time we visit there are new staff, new management, new contact people. When I write or email, it's to the staff not to our daughter, she has photos of us on her wall, but we truly don't believe she knows what she is looking at.

I called her last night to wish her a happy birthday, it wasn't a pleasant call, the woman who answered the phone just said 'hello' I said who I was and was phoning from Dubai to wish her a happy birthday and to enquire as to how she was. I came off the phone very upset that the member of staff had no patience for me, I even asked her if she could make an effort to tell me our daughter was ok and reassure us that everything was alright. But I could hear in her voice and her lack of interest in the call that she thinks we've abandoned our daughter, that we don't care, that she knows our daughter better than us as she works 5 x 8 hour shifts with her a week, she probably isn't the person who answers the emails. or is on shift when the post arrives or my mother calls. She has only been in the job since mid September as I didn't recognise her name. The management have made no effort again to fill the care staff in on her history and family background, they probably look at the pictures on the wall and see a forgotten family, a family they don't see, a family the care staff know nothing about and assume we've just dumped and run.

I started my working life with SCOPE, I've worked in care for many years, I've heard the staff gossip, I've heard the assumptions they've made as to why the family don't visit. I've heard the staff moaning about how the family, when they do visit just interfere and they're the ones who are looking after their children whether they're minors or adults and heard them say how the family know nothing about their own child and how on earth could anyone just give their child away.

I'm fed of explaining to people why our daughter is in care, it's no one else's business at the end of the day. I can tell you for sure that if Gloucester Social Services didn't think she needed that level of care they certainly wouldn't be funding her full time.

Yes we feel the guilt, which is self imposed, but there's no need for anyone else, however well meaning or just thoughtless they are to add to it.

We also have a child in boarding school in the UK and no we haven't abandoned him either.

How well do you know your adult child?

Prompted by child 4 of 5 returning to the UK as an adult after 3 years as an expat child and a visit from the middle child and his girlfriend for 2 weeks, has made me wonder how well I know my adult children.

Hubby and I have 5 children between us and we’ve been together for 15 years.

Child 1 left home aged 12 she is profoundly disabled and has been in residential care since 2001. She is now 26.

Child 2 left home aged 18 to join the British Army, he is now 25. When we embarked on lives as expats, he’d been away from home for over 3 years and was based in Germany, prior to our move we saw him maybe twice a year when he either visited the UK or we made the trip to Germany.

Child 3 left home aged 18 also, in September 2010, around a week before we were asked to move to South Africa, leaving the UK 4 months later.

Child 4 left home aged 19 in January 2014 to return to the UK, you can read about some of the issues he’s having as an expat child to adulthood here.

Child 5 left home aged 14 in August 2013 to return to the UK to boarding school.

We have had no relationships at all with child 2 & 3 as adult children, they left home having just gone into adulthood and with us living in different countries we have not been able to establish relationships with them as adults.

They visit here, we visit the UK but without a base, somewhere to stay, somewhere just to pop in and out of and say ‘hi mum, hi dad’ it’s been strained, The assumption from them is that we’ll nag, critisie and give instructions, but no matter how hard I try to explain, I just don’t get through. ‘Yes when you lived at home, under our roofs and we paid the bills, we were intitled to make you do chores, keep your rooms tidy, etc’

As adults with their own homes, paying their own bills they can do what they like and if they want guidance and assistance then it is up to them to come to us, I’m not going to nag, I haven’t nagged, I’ve respected their wish to meet in town and not at their flat, despite having travelled 1000’s of miles by plane, then 100’s miles by coach or train. I’ve stayed in hotels near by rather than request the use of their sofa, so they can have their privacy, I’ve been told I can stay on their face book as long as I don’t post stupid comments or tag them in statuses or heaven forbid ask their friends to my friends also.

Child 2 is struggling at the moment, having left the army 2 years ago, he’s flitted in and out of employment and has finally reached the stage where he’s asked for help. We’ve offered in the past and had our heads bitten off, but we knew he’d come to us when he was ready and now is the time.

Child 3 came to visit with his girlfriend for 2 weeks, we were given a huge list of do’s and don’ts, respect their privacy, book separate rooms in hotels and not an apartment etc., etc.

We didn’t tell child 3 that we were doing that anyway, that we wanted our space, privacy, time alone together. We went away for 8 days, hubby was unable to take the time off work, a whole days driving in the car to reach the coast, I left them on the beach for one afternoon while I drank coffee and read a book, we spent 8 hours together on 2 different boats, whale watching and a croc and hippo tour. We then had a 7 hour drive to Kruger on day 4 and spent days 5, 6 & 7 up to 9 hours each day on safari and day 8 a 5 hour drive home. Trust me, it was me that wanted a break, a rest, some time alone and on 2 evenings, I had to insist that they spent some time together on their own and that I would pick them up from the restaurant later. I wasn’t valuing their space, I was securing my own.

They’ve gone now, back to the UK to their lives and it’s been fab, in fact they have been the best visitors we’ve had. No need to ask them to empty the dishwasher, suggest they might like to buy the coffee, they’ve shopped, tidied, cooked, sat with us in the evenings, chatting and watching TV, identified when hubby and I have had a little spat and they’ve disappeared, discretely, as we have done with them.

Child 3 is no longer a child, he’s now 22, with his flat, girlfriend, career, he makes his own choices, earns his own money and apart from one or two occasions where he’s asked for assistance, he’s turned into a dam fine adult and he’s done it all by himself.

Child 4 has had a transition into adulthood, with the school year in SA commencing January till December it meant he was almost 19 when he finished his education, he learnt to drive in South Africa, I taught him, something I wasn’t prepared to do with the older 2 boys, due to clashes and conflicts.

From the age of 15 he had to take responsibility for his youngest brother with international flights, at 18 looking after his brother while both hubby and I were in the UK for 2 weeks, including dealing with a medical emergency and managing to sort out the medical aid by himself. He’s now back in the UK he’s wanted to do it by himself, but asked for advice when needed and consulted with us about his decisions. We are financially supporting him until he jstarts work, not a lot with the exchange rate as it is and he is staying with family for the time being.

Child 5 was in boarding school from the age of 6 until 11 when we moved to South Africa, but after 2 years it was evident this was not the best decision for him and so he returned. He’s just started his final year with his GCSE’s and we are hoping we can move him to Dubai next year for his A levels. 

Who knows how our relationships with our adult children will develop and change. We don't have the luxury of 'just being there' nearby. We can go 6 months without a visit and as young adults, they grow and develop without us.

From expat child into adult hood

I read a lot on the internet about Third Culture Kids, TCK from both the TCK and the parents. I read a lot on the internet from adults about their TCK experiences, but what I don’t read about is the tranisition period and what actually happens when you arrive in a new country as a child and the tranisition into adult hood back to your country of birth.

As expats who moved to South Africa in January 2011 with 2 children then aged 11 & 15 we never gave any consideration to what would actually happen to the children when they became adults and had to return to the UK.

The move was a stressful period in all our lives, no company support or help, despite the promises, but that only became evident on our actual arrival.

Rather foolishily, in hindsight, we trusted HR to have done their job, done research and to have consulted with the professionals prior to our arrival.

We had to have student visas in place for the children prior to their arrival and after supplying the relevant documents in regards to the youngests SENs and the new school requesting he sat an entrance test and information supplied to us that they would be attending an English school, visas were issued and 2 days after our arrival the children were in their new schools.

It became clear that towards the end of the first year that the youngest child was struggling in school, but as he was due a move into the senior school and after meetings with the staff it appeared to be ok, towards the end of the second year, I discovered that although they accepted he was dyslexic and provided additional support in the form of a reader and a scribe for tests and end of year exams they were not providing learning support during lessons. Then to our alarm they showed us a document from the company to say we would only be in the country for 2 years and therefore they hadn’t really been doing anything to support the youngest, despite us seeing the Ed Psych for a South African assessment who also diagnosed Dysgraphia, as well as being Dyslexic and we also obtained new Irlen glasses for him.

A very quick decision was made for him to return to the UK to boarding school so he could get the right level of support and follow the British Curriculum.

In the mean time the 15 yo was coming on in leaps and bounds. We left the UK 5 months prior to him sitting his GCSEs. We did consider delaying the move to accommodate him, but to be honest and this is something he admits he was aware of at the time, was that he was unlikely to get the grades he needed for further education. His behaviour improved and his attitude to study did also. He still ran with the in crowd, he was very popular and made 1^st team cricket and rugby and played football with TUKS for the first 18 months.

Socially, the expat experience has made the biggest impact on the eldest and he has taken so much away with him from South Africa which he can use in his future, but it has left him at the age of approaching 20, without any formal qualifications in the UK.

With the school year starting in January, our son was 4 weeks short of his 19^th birthday in December 2013 when he matriculated and due to his student visa expiring in January 2014 it was decided he would return to the UK. We couldn’t guarantee we would stay in South Africa for the next 4 years for him to complete Varsity and with the new changes to the laws in regards to foreign workers, it was the right decision as we are moving to Dubai within the next 3 months.

When our son aged 19 returned to the UK, he was an adult, no longer a child, he returned to live with family members while he submitted job applications, but we didn’t anticipate the hassles he’d have with returning as an adult, he had no NI number which took 8 weeks to apply for, I had to locate a child benefit number, which we’d stopped claiming when we left the UK. He had no bank account, no previous UK address, no utility bills, no evidence of him having lived in the UK as an adult. He was able to surrender his South African driving license for a fee and exchange it for a UK one, which gave him proof of address.

His interviews for the job he wants to do didn’t start until April 2014, so he returned to South Africa for a month before the next round of interviews in August.

Having done some research his matric is equivalent to A/S levels, it doesn’t translate into GCSEs without having it converted which will take another month or so, he would then have to obtain 3 A levels, which would take him another 2 years and would have to start now, meaning he would be nearly 22 before he could start a degree and he feels that he’s wasted this year already and just wants to get on with life.

In hindsight he should’ve completed his GCSE’s in the UK then followed the British Curriculum here for his last 2 years at school and sat A levels, then he could’ve returned to the UK at the same time, ready to make his application and would be starting University now.

My husbands company moved us a family to South Africa and left us to our own devices, as a teacher in the UK, I had knowledge how the education system and everything else works over there, I had no knowledge of how it worked here. We made mistakes because we didn’t know what questions we needed to ask, the youngest child is now sorted, his education won’t suffer from his experiences as an expat, TCK, child, but the eldest has.

The only thing that South Africa has shown the eldest child is that if you want to succeed it is all down to you.

I would like to advise all other expats with teenage children to carefully consider the implications of what happens to their child when they become an adult, especially in countries where obtaining work is almost impossible for a foreigner, what can happen to their child when they become an adult and have to return to their home country and the difficulties of doing so with foreign qualifications.

When do you stop influencing your children?

...and I don't mean controlling them.

As a Mother of 5 with only 2 left at home, I wonder about how long they are going to 'need' me for.

I don't have the need to be needed, but I do question when they stop needing me, if ever.

The 2 oldest boys left home at 18, they were encouraged to go out into the big wide world, they were influenced by us as their parents as to the routes they took with further education and employment.

No, we didn't dictate what route they took, we merely supported their activities, their levels of education and interests. And as parents we discussed with them from an early age that their dreams of becoming a vet and an architect were not going to be achieved with their current standard of education.

They both got their basic GCSE's (5 grade C's) which enabled them to access further education. They both had part time jobs and they had their activites which we continued to support.

The eldest joined army cadets aged 14 he just wanted to go into the army, aged 16, we didn't feel he was mature enough, neither did the army recruitment. They suggested he attended college to further his education, we agreed (our signature was required aged under 18 for him to join up) Every day was a battle, he wanted to pack college in, we nagged and badgered him every day to attend. Aged 18 he joined the army and spent 5 years in Germany, Crete and Canada as well as in the UK, Surrey, Yorkshire and Wales.

The second eldest wanted to do A levels, both us and school didn't think they was achievable but he was determined, he completed his A/S levels and decided to go to college to study catering. he worked park time at the local boarding school in the kitchens, he loved college and was selected for an apprentiship in Reading. We encouraged him to apply, took him for interview after helping him with his CV.

With both the boys settled with their independent lives we emigrated to South Africa, there were tears, how would they cope/manage with us, they had their other parent in the UK, plus aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents, but it's not the same.

Contact with the boys is alomost non exsistant bar from a few messages on facebook and it appears they don't 'need' us anymore.

I write, send gifts, they don't acknowledge them, but I know they'd be upset if I stopped making an effort. They've had their problems, they've asked other family members to help them out, who take pleasure in telling us they are their for them with us being so far away...but they don't get the help and support they need.

Eventually the boys turn to us, over facebook or on skype to say 'help' Hubbies response is to have a go, tell them off, let them know he is disappointed, whereas I bite my tongue and lip, hard, promise not to judge and from the other side of the world try to untangle the mess, find out what everyone else has already attempted to do, make phone calls, write letters on their behalf and talk it through with them, adding everytime...please contact me first, it's so much easier to involve me at the beginning, it mean you can sort your own problems out with me guiding me through it.

The younger son has asked for help/advice with changing job, writing CV, interview technique, moving flats etc and it's been a pleasure to watch him grow and develop by himself, taking charge of his own life. He's here now visiting for two weeks and the arrogance/cockiness previously displayed to his siblings has abated, he has matured, he is an adult, he is independent. He sorted himself out when his flight was cancelled.

The older one contacted me this week with his big news, I can't share it on here, in case he and his mother are reading it, but i think he's making a big mistake. He left the army and returned to the UK, he has no job and enough money to live off for maybe a year. But his plans for the future are wrong in so many ways (all I'll say is history is repeating itself). But at 22 he is also an adult, I can't and won't be around for ever to help, bail him out...and this time when he comes to me because it's all gone wrong, I won't be unpicking everyone else's mess to help him out. I've told him this is the case this time...harsh i know, but if he's old enough to make such huge decisions, if he won't listen to the other side of the conversation, especially after he asked me my point of view, then he's old enough to sort things out for himself.

I don't influence my two older children, they have reached the stage where they inform me of what is happening in their lives and if I mutter a single word, I'm in danger of them not even telling me that any more...so stum I shall stay, i'll not offer opinions, I'll not tut (I'll try my best) I'll wait in the wings to be told things, but if they aks me for advice and then dismiss me completly like the eldest has done, he'll not find me sitting in the wings any more.

When people just take, I stop giving

Well here we have it, the cycle of depression when Suzanne says FUCK IT, everyone and everthing I've had enough.
I'm not talking about you all, in fact I'm only talking about a small minority and I can't disclose who these people are, maybe it's family and real life friends, maybe it's just people on the internet that I've never met, maybe it's just a mix, but you won't think it's you and if you do think it's you, you'll get defensive with me.

I'm not expecting any comments on this blog, in fact when I blog most people respond on twitter if they want to say something, cos sometimes it's just too bloody awkward to comment, hence the reason why I'm a bit pissed off.

As in time honoured tradition when Suzanne gets down, no one knows what to say, so they say FUCK ALL, it's for the best, I'll only jump down their throats and scream...'what the fuck would you know?' followed by 'you think you've got problems?'

Well I have problems also, 'good old Suzanne can always be relied on to say/type the right thing at the right time' and when you're down you'll either think 'that's nice' or you're too down to even take it in.

But when things perk up, even if the fog lifts, even if it's just for a day, it would be really nice of you to acknowledge, good old Suzanne and not galivant off with your real/other friends and then come bouncing back to me when they can't cope with you when you're down.

It would also be nice if you could consider why Suzanne is supportive, has she had similar situations? Is she feeling the same way right now?

I say when things go wrong, but no one knows what to say to me, you see 'it's different for you, Suzanne we don't know what to say or how?
Well I've not lost a loved one, I'm not in a violent relationship, I'm not suffering with PND, I have a lovely husband, 2 fantastic kids with me and money to spend. I'm not hard done by, by anyone else's standards.

But I left 3 kids in the UK, that makes me sad. OK they are all adults now, but they're still my babies and yes I know it was right to let them fly, but they'd all left home aged 18 a long time before we emigrated. They still need their mum and when they do ask for help, which is quite often, it hurts that I can't be there for them....no my magic wand never worked when we were all in the same country anyway.

I've lost my freedom and my independence, my ability to work and yes I know I'm going on about it, non bloody stop, but like PND it doesn't just go away because someone tells you to get over it. I am adjusting and getting used to it and yes with time I'll get over it and move on.

So please, say anything, just something, make me laugh is always a good one and remember I'm down, but I make time to comment, it would just be nice when you're feeling a little better that you realised the support you have, the understanding and the friendship that you have from me and not ignore my efforts.

if my efforts aren't wanted then I'll stop wasting my time, if you don't tell me either way, I'll just carry on and sometimes I get hurt.