When people just take, I stop giving

Well here we have it, the cycle of depression when Suzanne says FUCK IT, everyone and everthing I've had enough.
I'm not talking about you all, in fact I'm only talking about a small minority and I can't disclose who these people are, maybe it's family and real life friends, maybe it's just people on the internet that I've never met, maybe it's just a mix, but you won't think it's you and if you do think it's you, you'll get defensive with me.

I'm not expecting any comments on this blog, in fact when I blog most people respond on twitter if they want to say something, cos sometimes it's just too bloody awkward to comment, hence the reason why I'm a bit pissed off.

As in time honoured tradition when Suzanne gets down, no one knows what to say, so they say FUCK ALL, it's for the best, I'll only jump down their throats and scream...'what the fuck would you know?' followed by 'you think you've got problems?'

Well I have problems also, 'good old Suzanne can always be relied on to say/type the right thing at the right time' and when you're down you'll either think 'that's nice' or you're too down to even take it in.

But when things perk up, even if the fog lifts, even if it's just for a day, it would be really nice of you to acknowledge, good old Suzanne and not galivant off with your real/other friends and then come bouncing back to me when they can't cope with you when you're down.

It would also be nice if you could consider why Suzanne is supportive, has she had similar situations? Is she feeling the same way right now?

I say when things go wrong, but no one knows what to say to me, you see 'it's different for you, Suzanne we don't know what to say or how?
Well I've not lost a loved one, I'm not in a violent relationship, I'm not suffering with PND, I have a lovely husband, 2 fantastic kids with me and money to spend. I'm not hard done by, by anyone else's standards.

But I left 3 kids in the UK, that makes me sad. OK they are all adults now, but they're still my babies and yes I know it was right to let them fly, but they'd all left home aged 18 a long time before we emigrated. They still need their mum and when they do ask for help, which is quite often, it hurts that I can't be there for them....no my magic wand never worked when we were all in the same country anyway.

I've lost my freedom and my independence, my ability to work and yes I know I'm going on about it, non bloody stop, but like PND it doesn't just go away because someone tells you to get over it. I am adjusting and getting used to it and yes with time I'll get over it and move on.

So please, say anything, just something, make me laugh is always a good one and remember I'm down, but I make time to comment, it would just be nice when you're feeling a little better that you realised the support you have, the understanding and the friendship that you have from me and not ignore my efforts.

if my efforts aren't wanted then I'll stop wasting my time, if you don't tell me either way, I'll just carry on and sometimes I get hurt.

Two things your children should never listen to

Their parents having sex and any discussions that involve planning. So far I think we've avoided both.

Kids we're moving to Malvern, yes, yes new schools, friends, clubs,activities etc. School, clubs and activites named....(obviously I can't name the new friends in advance)

This is the new house and these are the rooms you'll be in.

We're changing your school, you will now be going here...for the following reasons (there is a list)

You will be leaving home at 18 to follow a career, you're welcome to stay living here is you're either in University or can evidence you're saving up a deposit from your job for your own place. You're welcome to come home inbetween jobs, training, education for transistion periods (so far two children sucessfully left home both in training, one in the army in Germany the other in Hotel Management in Reading.)

Kids we're moving to South Africa in 3 months, this is your new school and we'll make the rest up as we go along.

And so far, no major problems, 'his room is bigger than my room' 'yes but you have a better bathroom than he does' 'I hate my new school uniform (shorts and long socks) 'OK so do I actually and I know wearing shorts at 16 is a tad embarrassing, but hey, everyone else is wearing the same silly clothes'

But the one thing as parents we can't manage, the one thing that ends up with sulks, rows 'I'm not going' is planning the family holiday.

We let it slip (OK they pester all year to find out where we're going) we've been to the States, Turkey, Tunisia, Egypt, Gites in France when they were younger. 5 kids in tow is a major operation. One is disabled the other four are boys they all have their preferences, one wants theme parks, the other wants bloody electronic and game shops, one wants to dig a hole in the sand all day and do nothing else and the other just shrugs and says 'don't ask me, I like it when you just plan it and tell us when and where'

And this year is no different, we always leave the planning of holidays till the last minute, something always comes up, I've written the end of terms dates down wrong, their Dads factory fortnight holiday has been changed, Nanna is going away somewhere and we have to juggle everyone to fit it all in. But this year we decided not to have a holiday as we're living in SOuth Africa, but Hubby has to go to Europe with work and is going to tag on a few days to see the kids we left behind. The eldsest is off to Mozambique for a week with his friend and his parents (Must sort out his visa, it's only next weekend) so that leaves me and the 12 year old. I want to return to the UK for a week, hubby says it's too expensive, eldest says it's not fair as he will miss a visit with his dad and the youngest, who is 12, cannot understand why we are speaking in whispers in the kitchen.

Because if we tell him our plans he'll go beserk if we end up not being able to go, blame the eldest for feeling left out, blame hubby for being tight and quite frankly that's why we don't discuss things with our kids.

'Gender Disappointment' : Coping with the 'wrong' baby

I read this on twitter today from @parentpages ‘Gender disappointment’: Coping with the ‘wrong’ baby >> do you want a boy or a girl >> why do we even ask? http://bit.ly/afHD3n

I felt great disappointment when my 3rd son was born, not because I had another boy, not because I was a failure, but because I knew then I had to cope with the barrage of questions from family and friends of 'are you upset' 'never mind, you can try again' these thoughtless statements and assumptions came in thick and fast even during my pregnancy.

I do wish people would think before opening their mouths of the damage and hurt they can cause.

With my first pregnancy 19 years ago I asked if they could tell me the sex of the child. There answer was 'No, we can only tell you if there is a genetic reason for doing so'

In my second pregnancy I didn't think to ask, nor was I given the option. At that point my sister had just given birth to her second child and the comments of....'one of each now, she has the perfect family' haunted me.

When my second child was born comments of 'she had 'another' boy' and 'you can always try again' stay with me to this day.

By the time my 3rd child arrived I answered the questions of 'what would you like this time? A girl would be nice to complete your family' with 'actually I was hoping for a pony'

At my scan I was asked if I wanted to know the sex and I declined. The midwife actually said 'I thought you would want to know as you have 2 boys already' My response didn't go down too well, 'If it's another boy can I arrange the termination now' That wasn't how I was feeling I just said it to shut her up.

I was asked if I felt depressed at the thought of another boy and was offered counselling.

Even now as the kids are 18, 15 & 11 I still get asked if it saddens me that I don't have a daughter and apparently I'm missing out on so much stuff. But I have 3 healthy, loving and well adjusted boys (sometimes). That is what I was given and that's that....end of...but I can 'always hope for granddaughters' but 'what do I do if I only have grandsons?...ignore them?