One Daily Positive - Week 11. Going forward

The week has been spent preparing for job interviews, packing for the UK, ironing, blogging and working out for from the 20 odd emails, exactly what date Ikea are delivering my order to our apartment in the UK, so I can arrange for my sister to take delivery and my Nephew in law to assemble the items for me. I found out on Wednesday I didn't get the interview with The FA. It's been 6 years since I last worked in Child Welfare and so much has changed.

Sunday was all about cleaning and tidying the house, filling in forms for an interview as a Life Skills Teacher in the UAE, food shopping as well as the obilitory visit to a coffee shop.

Monday after doing a batch cook, I walked Bob to the vets for one final visit, all healed and no cone needed anymore. I finally tidied up the sewing room and sorted through some old photo discs. I visited Rory, took my book and a pack lunch so after a long walk she could just sit outside on the grass with me and be in the fresh air. I called in to visit a friend on the way home.

Tuesday and an unexpected trip to Dubai Mall to collect Peter's watch from repairs. The shops don't open till 10am, so I batched cooked for the rest of the week, had coffee and by the time I'd collected the watch, top left of the Mall and shopped in Waitrose, bottom right it was 1pm before I got home. I spent the rest of the day in bed with a migraine.

Wednesday I took Peter to the airport for 6am as he's working in Saudi until tomorrow and took Rory for a walk. I then went to the police station to have my finger prints taken for South Africa police clearance and obtained a 'Good Conduct Certificate for my time to date in Dubai, ready for a job interview. It's Plantation week in Dubai, so I collected a boot full of free plants from the Municipality before heading over to the opposite side of Dubai with Bob for a sleep over, pub quiz (which we won) dinner and a few beers.

Thursday, Bob and I got home mid morning, the cat was not impressed. After a quick hoover and mop of the house and sticking a wash on, I unloaded Peter's car of the plants and spent a couple of hours in the garden washing the sand off everything, furniture, lights, walls, windows. I need to level the sand pit off and then I can plant the new trees, shrubs and ground cover. I took Peter's car to be valeted and stopped off for my obligatory coffee. I also had a late lunch/very early dinner and was in my PJ's at 5pm, bored out my brain. Peter was home at midnight, I waited up for him listening to Five Live and doing the ironing.

Friday I headed out to the desert now Bob's wounds are clean and then we cleaned out the maids/storage room, as something has obviously died in there at some point judging by the smell.  it turns out one of the workmen had used the loo in there for a poo and there is no water to the toilet and they just left it. It's not the first time we've had issues with this, our gardener in South Africa was banned from our bathroom. We also had our eyes tested, Peter needs glasses for long distance and short distance, but requires 2 different pairs for each activity.

Saturday my brain was a whirl as I've got so much to do. Peter flies to Pakistan for the week, all my plans to take the week slowly, pace myself have gone out the window when he reminded me I'm off to the UK two days after he gets back, how did that come round so quickly? We went out for breakfast and I made a start putting the new plants in place, it's not easy digging holes in sand, as they fill in as quickly as you dig them.

71/365 Future - Job hunting.

72/365 Doors - going round and round in circles.

73/365 Sharp (for some reason I thought the prompt today was straight lines)

74/365 Blank.

75/365 Powerful

76/365 Green

77/365 That's Incredible!

On the blog this week:

My Sunday Photo - F is for Future

Family Life and #PoCoLo- It's OK to be bored

HDYGG, Monday Escapes and Travel - The Winter Palace, Luxor
Triumphant Tales - Parenting Highlights
Tweens, Teens and Beyond - The gentle art of persuasion with kids

The Winter Palace, Sofitel. Luxor

We spent 4 days in Luxor in January. Peter had spent the weekend there at a conference and I decided to join him for the weekend. We last visited Luxor in 2008 and as you'd expect not a lot has changed other than the alarming decline in the economy after the revolution in 2010.

We visited the temples and the Valley of the Kings as we'd done previously. On this trip our hotel was central to the main part of the city so we explored a bit further on foot, rather than whizzing past places in a taxi.

Struggling to find anywhere that served a decent cup of coffee we decided to visit the Winter Palace to try our luck there. We will definitely be staying their on our next trip, it was splendid. I think the reason we hadn't looked at this hotel is because it's not on the Nile and a Nile view is something to behold when you look across in the early mornings and see the balloon flights and can sit on the banks in the evening enjoying a drink watching the sunset.

The Winter Palace was built in 1886 and now owned by Sofitel part of the Accor group. It is where Howard Carter stood on the steps to announce the find of Tutankhamen's Tomb to the world.

Since then many other famous celebrities and heads of states have visited, including Agatha Christie who wrote 'Death on the Nile' while she was a guest there in 1937. But sadly the hotel from the front does not hold the appeal of luxury travel as it would've done in it's glory days.

The red carpet was out, but has seen better days and the paint was flaking on the outside of the building. The reception hall hadn't been modernised and that was lovely to see how it would've been back in the day.

However all the flaws were forgiven the second we stepped out onto the terrace. The gardens were spectacular and it took me a while to see the additional accommodation buildings, with balconies and an amazing outdoor pool and restaurant area.

View from the terrace

Looking back

New accommodation and pool, viewed from the restaurant.

The garden was full of trees, cacti and succulents.

Living in Dubai, I miss seeing trees everywhere, although there are palm trees and native trees in the UAE, they are not as tall and as spectacular as the trees here in Luxor.

The tress and plants were labelled to help with identification, which country they were brought in from and the date they were planted.

The gardens were empty and we sat in blissful silence drinking our coffee, which was OK and then enjoyed a stroll around the gardens, in addition to the trees there was a small aviary and lenity of places one could sit and just in quiet for a while.

It's ok to be bored

Finally my husband gets it 'I'm bored' but it doesn't mean I'm depressed or I need hundreds of suggestions of things to do to keep me occupied.

I have been applying for jobs and have been offered an interview, so this whole post could be irrelevant in May, but for now it's fairly accurate of how I combat the boredom.

I don't need to be kept busy. Despite there only being the 2 of us living in a 4 bed villa with our cat and dog, there is plenty to do. It's just boring doing the same thing over and over again.

I am actively seeking employment, but want to find the right job and I'm facing many dilemmas right now with it.

For example my average week is as follows:

Daily chores: Cook, wash up, mop kitchen floor, walk the dog.

Sunday - empty bins, tidy house, clean, put washing on
Monday - tackle one job, bathroom tiles, windows, oven, garage floor
Tuesday - take Bob to the desert, wash dogs beds, wash dog
Wednesday - ironing
Thursday - food shop

The weekends are slightly different as we rarely cook, or clean or food shop. We take Bob into the desert, we go out for breakfast, we wander around a mall, go to the cinema, for a walk, to the beach, watch movies at home, eat out or just have PJ days eating junk food. We just generally spend time together doing nothing, but together. Weekends aren't boring, I have company.

The gaps in-between in the week are spent blogging, writing letters, gardening, sewing dog beds, walking rescue dogs and going out for coffee as well as a bike ride, a walk along the beach or a visit to a mall or a tourist attraction just because I can.

At the moment with it being winter in Dubai, it's very windy and there are sand storms, so I'm kept extra busy sweeping and cleaning all the sand out the house on a daily basis, it's also been raining so muddy paw prints are the bane of my life.

I'm going out the house every day for a walk or a bike ride, a different route, visit a different coffee shop.

I keep my eye open for 'things to do in Dubai' free events, arts, music, literacy, wedding fayres, races. Places where I can meet people, learn something new, visit new places.

What I hear a lot of when I tell people I'm bored is 'but you live in Dubai' these same people have been to Dubai, I've taken them to all the tourist spots, malls, beaches, experiences. I don't want to be doing them on my own or over and over again. It's boring doing the same thing over and over again and Dubai is very expensive. I live here, I'm not on holiday.

I'm travelling to the UK soon, to visit family and friends, to wander around parks, take photo's of ancient buildings, go to garden centres for afternoon tea, wander round the individual shops, fight for car parking spaces, try new foods, walk in the rain, wear winter clothing, visit castles and churches, museums, do all the stuff that you find boring, expensive, repetitive and moan about daily as being 'boring' and 'there's nothing to do round here'

It's the same for me, life in Dubai is boring, it's normal, it's routine. It's actually OK to be bored. All I have to address now is the loneliness and I'll have cracked living here.

Do you find it's boring where you live?

My Sunday Photo - Week 115. F is for future.

A big part of who I am is what I do. Although it sounds dramatic my identity was taken from me the day we became expats, living in a country where I wasn't permitted to work. This wasn't something I was prepared for and we trusted the relocation company when they said that once we'd settled the children into school, found a house and our container arrived, that they would then assist with the job market. They hadn't checked the law on foreigners working other than organising the inter company transfer for Peter. I did eventually find volunteer work and as satisfying as it was, there was an assumption that I baked cakes and fund raised at the local golf club, or read to a primary school class once a week, when I said I volunteered in Education for charity.

So on moving to Dubai, just after 2 years ago, my focus after settling into our new home was to find work. It took 10 months before I started teaching in FS. In hindsight, I took the first (and only) job offered to me and as much as I loved the job, the environment wasn't for me, so I left 3 months ago.

My visa for the past 6 years has read 'housewife' I'm not even a SAHM, since the kids have left home, I'm just a SAH and I'm bored, lonely and at 45, life is now passing me by.

We're staying in Dubai another 2-3 years, at 60 this year, Peter is looking forward to retirement in a couple of years time and despite having our finances sorted, I will need to work as we want to continue living this life style of travel and having nice things, so the reality is I need to find a job that will enhance my opportunities when we return to the UK.

I've applied for 2 positions. 1 in Dubai and 1 in the UK. The Dubai job is teaching life skills to 15-18 year old in several school across the UAE. The UK job is with The Football Association and in Child Welfare. The UK job is probably out of my area of expertise these days, as things in Child Welfare have moved on so quickly. It will throw up huge problems as I will need to live in London and Peter will remain in Dubai.

The job in Dubai has offered me an interview, the beginning of May. I need the time to get my disclosure processed from the Disclosure and Barring Service, a police check for my time in both Dubai and South Africa and a variety of other documents that need collating. I also need to do a first aid course.

Both jobs leave me with several dilemmas:

I really want The FA job in London, but although I'd be closer to my family, the kids and be able to see them on weekends, I'd be using my 4 weeks annual leave for long weekends in Dubai to see Peter and he'd have to use his to make trips to see me. My salary would be spent on my cost of living and flights, but it may encourage Peter to make an earlier return to the UK as we could rent out both our UK properties and live off the rent as well as my salary.

If I take the job in Dubai, I'd earn far more money than I could ever dream of in the UK, although if I hadn't left the UK, I'm fairly positive my career would've developed to earning around the same amount now, but then Peter wouldn't have earn such a high salary staying in the UK as he does from working abroad. And I'd be back in a similar situation as to when I was working as a teacher here, bound by the school holidays, and restricted visits to see the family and adult kids in the UK.

At the end of the day, attending interviews won't do me any harm, I can always turn the job down, money isn't really a factor while we're living here, especially now we are free of boarding school fees.

But I do need to be doing something other than travelling back and forth to the UK, the months in-between drive me mad, I do the same things over and over and it's boring, my brain is turning to mush, although I do several study courses online to keep up to date with things. I'm 46 in a couple of months and in 2-3 years I'll be approaching 50, I'm not sure after 8-9 years of doing nothing I'll actually be that employable to do a job, have a career that I can excel in.

So watch this space, who knows I might not got offered either job and I'll be no worse off than I am now.

One Daily Positive Week 10 - Bye Bye Rory

Back to normal this week, with Peter at an exhibition last week, my routine was interrupted as he didn't leave home till 10am, returning at 7pm. I find I'm more productive with physical chores in the mornings and spend the afternoons/early evenings blogging.

After the drama of Bob's emergency vet dash and Rory having to be returned to the kennels, the house was in a mess and both Peter and I were frazzled. I spent 3 hours in the kitchen, cleaning and doing several loads of washing and trying to restore some norm to our lives.

I will carry on supporting rescue dogs in Dubai, without the involvement of Bob and mainly online.

I started packing for my UK trip, bits and bobs for the flat and a few gifts for upcoming birthdays. Looking forward to finally spending some time in the apartment we've bought, that's sitting empty and costing us a fortune in ground rent and council tax.

Sunday taking a break in-between the house work, I managed to comment on all the blog posts I'd linked up with last week. I went for coffee mid afternoon for a change of scenery and took a stroll along our local beach, I needed the break. In the evening it was back to the vets with Bob to have his wounds cleaned again and check on his leg as he's still limping.

Monday was spent sorting out paperwork and making a list of all renewal dates for policies and insurances in the UK and Dubai. Post arrived from child 4 of 5, marked for Mother's Day, as I fly to the UK on the 27th I decided to open the cards and enjoy them while I can. Back to the vets in the evening, Bob is making a good recovery.

Tuesday morning was spent on the beach, there's free wifi in places, restaurants and showers etc down on Kite Beach. I usually cycle there but as I wanted to take my chair and sun tent, I went by car. I sat had a picnic lunch, read, swam, blogged and just generally had a day off from doing nothing, by doing even less. We went out for dinner in the evening. Last trip to the vets with Bob, they're happy with his recovery, but he needs to keep the cone on until the wounds heal and 2 weeks of antibiotics.

Wednesday I attempted to tackle my sewing room, it's become a dumping ground for half finished projects, that I never seem to have time/inclination to do. It was 3.30pm before I realised the time, so I dressed and decided to pop out for coffee and get my nails done. I spent the evening replying to endless emails I'd fired off a few days ago, I'm fed up of people taking advantage of us living outside the UK.

Thursday I went to visit Rory and take her for a walk, she was so excited to see me and I feel so guilty for giving up on her, but Bob comes first. I was early so I stopped for a coffee first. My plans for the week have gone belly up, with Peter working odd hours, he had to go to the Pakastani embassy to collect a visa, so we had lunch out. I'm starting to get quite anxious when I go somewhere new, where there are lots of people and when I'm with others, I cope much better when I'm on my own, I'm getting stuck in my own ways, just doing my own thing, I'm finding it hard to adapt to others.

Friday, no desert trip for us or Bob, it'll be getting to hot soon, so hopefully his wounds will have healed by next week. We went out for brunch at the Crowne Plaza, had too much to eat and drink, got a taxi home and did nothing for the rest of the day.

Saturday we took Rory to hr new kennels out in the desert, sadly I won't be able to visit her daily from now on, I washed Bob and cleaned his wounds, he's healing really well. We had bacon and eggs for brunch and then headed down to the beach for a couple of hours in the afternoon and the evening was spent rehanging curtains in the villa, as hooks had broken and they weren't hanging to my liking.

64/365 Ouch! - Poor Bob, just wants to lick his wounds.

65/365 Surprise - Mother Day Cards from the cat and dog and child 4 of 5.

66/365 Meal - Picnic on our local beach.

67/365 Crisp - more abrupt really.

68/365 Cuppa - No excuse needed here.

69/365 Baby - Teeny, weeny pudding portions, but I made three trips.

70/365 My view.

On the blog this week:

My Sunday Photo - A is for Art with Dubai Canvas 3D Art Festival

Parenting - Managing emotions when your child is in care

Travel - Planning days out with a disabled adult

Review - Dinner for 2 at Tribes

Animal Tales - Problems with fostering a dog

Planning a trip with a disabled young adult.

Our eldest child is in care in the UK, we now live in Dubai. We are getting older, she is getting harder to deal with.

I visit the UK several times a year and take her for days out or a few hours, rather than visit her in her home where she just does her own thing and I'm left staring at the walls or chatting to the care staff. I do this at the beginning, several times in the middle of my stay and at the end of my trip, depending on the length of my stay, anything between a 1-8 weeks.

Going out involves packing and carrying an adult sized baby bag, making sure I've hired a car big enough for her wheel chair, choosing somewhere to go based on the weather and her toilet changing needs, somewhere that sells food and drink and somewhere where I can hopefully get a bit of help. I try to coincide her visits with taking one of the other 4 kids with me and although they come with me willingly and do more to help their sister than I could possibly expect from them, it adds to the length of my day by collecting and dropping them off. I'm worn out at the end of the day.

We usually end up spending our days out visiting different supermarkets, we've been doing this since 2011.

Over the past 6 years we've not had a base where we can take her and usually her father and I make separate visits to the UK. She doesn't sit well in a car and has crawled out her seat belt before so longer trips to visit the inlays or take her back to my parents house for the day/afternoon are out of the question when you have to be driver, carer and support all rolled into one whilst driving up and down the M5.

Then there is getting her in and out the car, changing her nappies in the bathroom, dragging the supermarket trolley around with her pushing in the opposite direction. Trying to manage a tray with food, a queue and just having to clear the table and make sure nothing in front or behind her is in her reach is mentally exhausting, she just never stops.

Visiting family and friends, even with support is hard work, she has a habit of grabbing peoples hair, she spits excessively and will wipe her hands on you, your walls and soft furnishings, she grabs things, would swipe ornaments off a shelf and has a habit of throwing things and hitting you with objects in her hand. It's not fair on other people whether they are family or not.

We've bought an apartment now, but it's 40 miles from where she lives, it's also on the second floor, due to us leaving it empty most of the year and although she can climb steps with support, I can't then leave her unsupervised in the apartment while I run up and down the stairs to get her changing and over night bag.

My family live near by so I can arrange for them to meet me there and either a) supervise her for very short periods of time or b) they can do the running back and forth to get her bags out the car.

Then there is getting her in and out the bath, getting her used to sleeping in a new room, getting some sleep myself.

The town we will be staying in is old, with narrow streets and restricted access, with steep steps into  a lot shops as the pavements are too narrow to install ramps and while people will help, I just get fed up and tired of explaining and then when we get in the shop, despite strapping her in her wheel chair she has quite an extended reach and you need eyes in the back of your head.

So on my next trip, I'll just stick with days out to the local supermarkets and wait for Peter to join me over Easter, so we can have here at home for a night or two for the first time in 6 years, just because we want to.

Review of Tribes African Restaurant at Dubai Mall.

The best place in the world to eat out in has to be South Africa, the quality, the price, the service, in my opinion, it cannot be rivalled anywhere else in the world in general terms.

We spent 4 years living in South Africa, prior to relocating to Dubai just over 2 years ago, and although we're originally from the UK, I still think of South Africa as home, annual visits back to Pretoria just aren't enough for me, I miss my friends, the culture, the lifestyle and I miss the experience of eating out, dinner, lunch, coffee and cake.

Any opportunity for a 'taste of home' is welcomed, but also avoided. 'What if it's not the same? 'It looks the same?' Will the food taste as good?' 'Will the service go above and beyond?'

There's another South African chain in Dubai, that disappointed us greatly, but we visited shortly after we moved here and probably made too many comparisons, but we've been back and I can safely say, the food and atmosphere is not the same.

We hadn't intended to have dinner out the afternoon we visited Dubai Mall, but we spotted Tribes and both thought 'why not?' besides it was also on the Entertainer App, so if it didn't meet our high expectations of South African Dining, we would have still have had a meal and a pleasant evening at a fraction of the cost.

*We received nothing in exchange for this review, I just had a lovely evening that I wanted to share.

From the moment we stepped inside we knew it was going to be a good meal. The general vibe, the celebration of someones birthday, we felt at home instantly as the waiters prepared a table for us so we could sit at the window overlooking the fountains and the Burj Khalifa.

Drinks were served and order taken in good time, without being hurried or having to wait too long. The most delicious bread was brought to the table while we waited for our meals.

The food arrived, it was well presented, smelt good, both meals were hot, the portions were generous and everything was delivered together, no waiting for sides or sauces.

What makes a bad experience for me when I'm eating out and can influence whether I return, are:

a) constant interruptions from the waiter, being approached to ask about the food when we are clearly having a conversation and multi visits from other waiters, head waiter and manager, and

b) the removal of plates, glasses, serviettes the second some one finishes eating. In some cases as soon as the cutlery is put down the waiters swoop in and clean the table, remove place mats and wipe the table, while other people in the group are still eating.

However I needn't have worried, none of the above happened, although the manager did come over to ask how our food was, as well as the waiter, but our eating and conversation wasn't interrupted, it was at an appropriate time.

Dining out for me is not a pleasure, it is not something I look forward to or get excited about. I don't consider dining out as an experience, we eat, we pay, we leave. However our visit to Tribes was fantastic and we'll definitely be eating there again and trying some more of the menu.

When fostering a dog doesn't work out

Last week I blogged about the positives of fostering a dog and of some of the things our dog, Bob have learnt from having another dog around. And I'll be honest with you, over the weekend we had some serious problems, but it was no ones fault other than mine for taking my eye off the ball and thinking I'd cracked it.

Having collected Rory from her failed adoption trial, I returned to firmness and kindness with her from the minute I brought her home. She was reintroduced to Bob, my husband and the home on lead and under full supervision she was let off lead and went straight to one of the dog sofa's we'd previously allowed her to sleep on.

I sat in the conservatory with the dogs, drinking tea, before putting Rory in her crate so Peter and I could head off to the beach for a couple of hours. On our return Rory was and Bob were very happy to see us, letting Bob outside first, while I fiddled around trying to open Rory's crate.

I fed both Dogs. I learnt on day one that Rory is super protective over her food, so Bob is fed as usual indoors and I fed Rory outside and sat with her. The afternoon was spent with the dogs, running around the garden, curling up to sleep and generally just both following me around. Rory was returned to the crate for bedtime, both dogs given a dental stick, radio left on low and left for the night.

Saturday morning, I let Rory out the crate and she went out to pee and poop, she then returned to the dog sofa where she lay for half an hour after her breakfast. Rory went back in her crate while we went out for breakfast and on our return she followed the same routine, but then I foolishly went to the bathroom and made a cup of tea. On my return Rory had shredded every book and magazine she could get in my absence. I didn't scold Rory I merely put her back in the crate while I tidied up.

We then sat in the garden with both dogs for the afternoon, then things got out of control, they were playing with a rope, Rory wanted it, so Peter threw a ball for Bob to distract him, Rory wanted the ball, so Bob grabbed the rope, there was nothing we could do, they fought and it was aggressive. I've never seen Bob like that before and both Peter and I were both quite frightened. I threw a bucket of water over them, I turned the hose pipe on them, I screamed at Peter not to intervene worried he would get hurt, but we knew we had to do something and opening the garage door, walking towards the dogs, eventually Peter managed to grab both dogs by the scruff of the neck and quite literally drag them apart, throwing one dog into the garage while I shut the door.

We took a few minutes to calm down and think what to do. Both dogs were injured there was blood everywhere. Peter had bruised his hand. The crate was fetched outside and Rory was put in it, Bob retreated, limping badly to his bed. I cleaned Bob's wounds and shut him in the conservatory while I made quick calls to get Rory rehoused and then went to see Rory, her bites were surface wounds, the poor girl was shaking quite badly, I was anxious about how she would respond but she came out the crate and sat on my lap, shaking and quivering, while I cleaned her up. I fed her some treats and kept apologising to her, that sadly she was no longer able to stay with us.

With Rory sitting on my lap, Peter drove us to the kennels, I was so sad to say goodbye, knowing this is probably the last time I would see her and she had to be dragged away from me, she just didn't want to go back in kennels.

I returned home and realised Bob needed the vets, he had two large puncture wounds, one to his leg and the other behind his ear, he was struggling to walk. The vets washed out his wounds and gave him antibiotic and pain killer injections and said I had to bring him back the following day for X-rays to check for a fracture, he was too traumatised to be x-rayed and the vet didn't want to have to sedate him.

So Rory is back at the vets, they called Sunday morning to say she had a good night, was eating and sleeping well and had antibiotics and pain killers, there's no lasting damage and she'll be fine.

Bob will recover and there is no long lasting damage done other than to my wallet. We will however be keeping a close eye on Bob over the coming weeks and will slowly reintroduce him to other dogs in a controlled environment.

The reality is I'm afraid that some things just don't work out and I need to put the needs of my family first.

I'm convinced with some training and the right person and a lot of love that Rory will make a great pet for someone. She needs to be the only pet in the house and with someone who is at home for most of the day and is prepared to crate her to continue the training.

We'll never fully know Rory's complete story, but she was found wandering without a collar and no microchip and no idea how long she'd been on the streets for, she has several scars over her face and body and she's obviously had a tough life.

If you or anyone you know can help out with Rory in anyway what so ever, either leave a comment below or contact DAWS directly as they are responsible for her care and continuing rising costs at the kennels.

Managing emotions when your chid is in care.

Disclaimer: Although I make references to 'our daughter' I am her step mother and have been since I met her Father in 1999. I consider her and her brother, referred to children 1 & 2 of 5, as my family. In the same way my husband considers children 3, 4 & 5 as part of his. The children refer to us as their parents and their siblings as just that. The children were 1, 5, 7, 10 & 11 years of age when we blended our 2 families.

In February 2016 I wrote a blog post about our adult daughter being in care and the self imposed guilt we feel about living thousands of miles away, you can read the post here. It was featured on Mumsnet Blog of the day and there were some lovely comments from people in similar situations on both the blog post and Mumsnet forums. In October Mumsnet contacted me to write a follow on piece for their forum, but due to disability and special needs being fiercely debateD in several forums after the BBC documentary featuring Sally Phillips, it was shelved and I forgot all about it.

I decided to post the piece I wrote for Mumsnet after receiving an email in February a year on from the original post about implementing a new assessment for our daughter, an assessment we were not asked to take part in by her care home and there are many errors in the assessment that are relevant to the original post that need addressing. Most of the content isn't relevant to our daughters day to day care, it's the historical information that is incorrect, such as her father only visiting once a year, us moving to Dubai after she went into care and no mention of the fact that from 2000 -2011 the year she went into care and the year we left the UK, that she stayed at the family home with us and her siblings almost every weekend.

It is important to us that this is corrected. It happens every time there are new management, social workers, owners of her care home and we sent similar emails and correspondence in 2013 and 2014 when this happened last. Surely her personal information should remain the same, just with an update on the previous year.

For the past 16 years, our daughter has been in care. She is now 28.

She lives with another disabled young woman and requires 24/7 care - the same kind you need to give a baby or toddler.

She is profoundly disabled and wears nappies. She can feed herself with a spoon if the food is chopped up, and can drink unaided out of a sippy cup. She has no form of communication and doesn't make eye contact, so if she is unwell, uncomfortable or in pain, we must use a process of elimination to work out what is wrong. She may laugh hysterically, cry or stay quiet. There is no pattern to her behavior.

My husband and I now live in Dubai. Putting a child into care was hard; moving thousands of miles away was even harder. People sometimes suggest that by moving abroad we no longer care about her, but that isn’t the case at all.

Our daughter has no concept that we are so far away. Her life carries on without a second thought for us - she doesn’t realise that she only actually sees us for a few weeks every year. She recognises us only by our routines with her when we visit. Our photos are on her wall, but we don't believe she knows what she is looking at.

Prior to leaving the UK in 2011, we had her home every weekend and went to see her once a week. We felt welcomed visiting her and our other children would play with her in the garden as if they were in their own home.

However, we had to manage these visits carefully - seeing other friends and family with her was difficult, as she has a tendency to grab hair and clothes and has no awareness of personal space or danger. She’s active and needs space to roam about, but she walks unsteadily and falls easily.

Since moving abroad, we try to keep in contact by sending post and emails, but we rarely receive a reply from the people caring for her. There is a constant turnover of staff, and there is little time for them to be briefed on her history and family background. Although we can’t fault the care she receives, we often feel our concerns and efforts are dismissed - it seems her carers assume we have abandoned her.

This can be difficult to cope with. When I last called to wish our daughter a happy birthday, the person who answered had no interest in talking to me, although I tried to find out details about how she was. I used to work in care and I know the kind of assumptions that are made about families who don’t visit regularly; it’s difficult knowing that these are being made about you, and being powerless to stop it. We feel guilty about the situation, but we also know it’s best for our family.

We’ve had to make these kinds of difficult choices throughout our daughter’s life. We also have four sons, and when they were younger we made the decision to go on holiday without her. Family days out always took an enormous amount of organisation; the boys were often restricted by their sister’s needs. In the end, we decided that their need for individual time and attention outweighed the guilt we felt at leaving our daughter behind.

After 16 years of navigating the care system, we no longer have the desire or energy to constantly justify our relationship with our daughter. We also know that as time passes and we age, we will be able to do less for her: we’re already finding it harder to get her in and out of the car and change her nappy. We have a lovely time taking her out and spending time with her when we visit, but we wouldn’t be able to cope with her day-to-day care. While we’ll always feel guilty that we’re not with her on a daily basis, we’ll always feel relief when we drop her back at her home at the end of our visit. 

We need our daughters record to be accurate and reflect our relationship with her and her extended family. There have already been occasions where I've turned up to visit and I've had to justify my relationship with her as the staff haven't met me before and aren't aware of her relationship with me.

Mummy Times Two