The mental symptoms I have are:
- racing thoughts
- uncontrollable over thinking
- difficulties concentrating
- feelings of dread and panic
- feeling irritable
- heightened alertness
- problems with sleep
The Physical symptoms are:
- heavy and fast breathing
- dry mouth
- fast heartbeat
- extreme tiredness and lack of energy
I am in a state of constant worry and have the inability to relax, switch off.
I have to run every possible scenario through, out loud, to make sense of the situation.
I have to plan for all eventualities.
I can't do anything without thinking about all the possible outcomes.
I do all of this in my head, quietly and silently. If I find myself in a situation I don't like, or it's too busy or I get overwhelmed, I will just walk away and find somewhere quiet to be to get my thoughts straight in my head. I'm not always able to do that when I'm with others, I don't have the ability to explain my thoughts rationally at the time and I just come across as difficult or argumentative and even as having a strop/tantrum as I'm not getting my own way. But that's not what I'm doing, I just need a few minutes headspace, right there and then.
Despite this being a recent diagnosis, I've just assumed this is how life is, I've always been like this.
However since lockdown started my anxieties have almost gone. The only time now I get anxious and the old and familiar feelings return is when I have to go food shopping, but I think that's a very common feeling for almost everyone right now, regardless of any diagnosis or normal patterns of behaviour.
Why have my anxieties gone? Because I'm on my own and I don't have to take part in daily life. I don't have to answer a 101 questions about my plans, where I'm going, how long I'll be, what I'm doing and why.
Obviously my husband and I discuss things, such as finances and we're in the middle of doing up our old family home, we've planned a budget, decided on what I can do, what needs doing and what hubby can do and what can wait until lockdown is over.
In the last two weeks, I've bought a car, had a plumber in, arranged and chosen new carpets to be fitted next week, had the tree in the front garden cut down. Renewed the rental contract in Dubai. I've also painted the upstairs and been working in the garden. I've been stress free throughout.
I haven't had to worry about anyone else. I've done things in my own time, if I've felt stressed I've been able to change what I'm doing and done something else. I don't have to worry about other people, other than doing my mums online food shop, I can eat what I like, when I like, sleep and bathe at times that suit me.
But this lockdown won't last forever and I'll have to rejoin the real world at some point in time. I've had a well earned break from day to day life and the dramas of others around me. I'm relaxed, I'm off my meds and I'm hopeful of a slower lifestyle, that is chilled and relaxed from now on.
Lockdown is giving me a well needed break.
I will add, I know I'm writing this from a privileged position with not having to worry about home education and finances.