Things to do before you die

Losing a loved one is a very difficult time.

My father died suddenly last month. As an expat, I was fortunate to have been in the UK and to have spent some time with him in the days before his death and to have actually been with him when he died as I have a flat in the same town and was able to be there shortly after he collapsed.

My father wasn't a well man, after a heart attack in June 2012 and I had to make a 24 hour journey from South Africa with little contact not knowing if he had survived until I arrived in the UK.

Since that trip, leaving has been hard every single time, not knowing if I'd ever see him again and I'd always make sure that I'd call in at Mum and Dad's to say goodbye and tell them that I loved them and that I'd see them again soon.

In between visits there would be phone and skype calls and letters written. Sometimes the phone would ring and I just wouldn't be in the mood, they'd forget the time difference, I'd moan, but I'd answer the phone or I'd call back straight away.

Over the past 7+ years since I've been outside the UK there have been other calls to say various family members have been unwell, including our children, there have been deaths in the family and I've been able to come over for the funerals. I've also planned my travels for weddings and other happy events.

Prior to this trip, I was last in the UK in March and April. I'm not sure why I planned 2 trips so close to one another. This trip June till October was planned to help the teen with finishing school, find an apprenticeship and somewhere to live, but I decided to visit in spring also.

In April it was clear to me my father's health had declined, he was having difficulty managing the stairs, doing jobs around the house, my parents were talking about moving. Mum was looking at properties, Dad was contemplating selling some stuff to be able to downsize. Dad spoke to me about the finances, not the details but where I would find things, policies etc. Told me he had funeral cover for them both and he had started the process of sorting his stuff out. But there was plenty of time to go through everything on the next visit and we'd do it all then.

I had 3 weeks with my dad when I arrived back in June. He didn't go through the rest of the stuff with me, he didn't expect to die.

My father collected things, he wasn't a hoarder, but he had a lot of stuff. It's been a bone of contention between us for years. I've told him for years that when he's on his death bed I'm going to call in house clearance, as I sat there with my father the night he died, waiting for the paramedics, that was the last thought going through my mind. I never said it, but I knew it was something I'd be doing in the next few weeks.

It would be my father's 78th birthday on September 7th. I'd already bought him this card.

Seems so apt now, all I've done for the past 7 weeks is sort, tidy, sell, recycle, donate, tip box after box of stuff. Fishing gear, golf clubs, train sets, toy cars, real car, pub ashtrays, sports memorabilia, stamps, cigarette cards, newspapers. All of it of great value and meaning to my dad, all of it a chore to me to get rid of. Some of it of value, most of it he thought was of potential value, but sadly unless I become a full time ebayer, it's just £20-£50 here and there and I have no where to store it whilst I try to sell it.

There will be no house clearance, but there will be an auction. The stamps are more specialised, there are a few other items I will take time to sell on properly for him as he has requested. He would get really upset at the thought of us just breaking up his collections and selling them on for next to nothing after he died, but we told him when he was alive that the reality is that will just have to happen, unless he spent the time sorting through things himself and at least making a start.

My father had started to label items of family and personal interest. His father's pocket watch, his footballing days and trophies. Items he'd picked up on his travels and of course Mum is able to add to the stories, identify items and tell me what things are, their history and personal value and meaning to help decide whether they should stay or go.

I'd been nagging my father for so long about getting his affairs in order that I'd started the process to sort mine out back in Dubai, between trips. Peter and I are downsizing in December and I am determined I will not leave this task to my children to do.

The grieving process for my father has been difficult, I've not had anything else in my life to measure it by to know if I'm doing OK or not, but it really hasn't been helped with all this added stress. I've been angry at him, I've had unanswered questions, I've screamed at the unfairness of why I'm having to clear all this shit out. I've cried in despair at the number of fishing rods one man needs and FFS he's never been deep sea fishing in his life, why so much gear? All the years I've asked for something but he's not let me have it, yet now, there's no satisfaction in it, and besides the bloody thing doesn't work anyway and he'd have known that. The glue sticks had all run dry, the envelopes had all lost their stick.

There are a lot of things I've learnt from my father's death, both good and bad about what needs to be done and I thought I'd share a list of what I'm going to do and/or have already put in place so when the time comes and I'm no longer here it will hopefully make things easier for my surviving relatives.

• write a will, include funeral wishes and instruct the solicitors to act as executors and do probate where needed (particularly helpful if you predict family issues or family are spread far and wide)
• write a separate list of every single item you want to go to each person
• prepare your eulogy (my father had a pack with his CV, brief history of his football career, suggested hymns, readings)
• arrange finances for funeral cover
• ensure all policy documents are clearly labelled, keep a list of current/active documents, policy numbers and contact details in the front of files
• if you have social media accounts set up a legacy and/or leave a list of passwords with someone you trust
• leave a letter for your loved ones, even if it is 10+ years out of date
• have your photo taken with all your family at every opportunity you have to do so
• tell your family you love them and make sure they understand it's not just words
• tell your family you are proud of everything they do
• tell your children stories about your childhood, talk to them about the older generations and if they're too young to listen or don't seem interested then write it down
• listen to the older generations, spend time with them, let them tell you the same stories over and over again, write down the stories
• take a little sticky label and put it on the bottom of an ornament, object with who it was from and when (christening gift, aunty xxxx 19xx)
• research your family tree, add photo's, snippets of info, dates, interesting facts like your great grandfather waking the railway lines from Wolverhampton to Newport with his brother to Newport till they found work in the Steel works then sending for the family
• declutter, tidy, sell, get rid of stuff, only keep what you use/need. Donate items of personal interest to museums etc. Don't leave it to your family to do, they will bin it, they don't have the time. Remember everything can be found online these days.

The most important thing you can do though is just send time with your family, create memories, take photographs and enjoy the moment. At the end of the day, all the stuff you bought will be sold or given away and all the time you spend collecting your stuff together will just be dismantled.

I value this photo, taken 3 days before he died, more than any trinket he could could've have given me.

We spent the morning with mum at 2 boot sales before stopping at the Speech House for coffee. I wish I'd asked more questions. I know what day and time your died, as I was there with you. I know what day and where you were born as I have your birth certificate, but I do not know what time you came into the world.

I have your handwritten notes, but I have nothing in your handwriting written to me.

Dad, sadly over recent years we've not spent much time together as a family, we've all had our own lives, things to do, lived in various places around the world. But since you've died we've all come together and spent a lot of time making new memories, having fun despite the sadness, putting our differences to one side to support one another through this difficult time. We've all learnt that it's the who and not the what that counts these days. I wish you could've been here to see all your Children, grandchildren and great children together, probably for the first time. We did make the effort before you died, back in April for the teens 18th birthday, but sadly we never got to take a photo with you in it.

One daily Positive - Week 30 After Dad's Funeral

Grief is a very personal thing and we're all dealing with it differently. Both mum and I are fine when we're in the house, but as soon as we leave it and face the real world we are struggling. It's really strange, the first week I couldn't cope being in the house where my dad died. I had to move the rug, couldn't use the downstairs loo, couldn't tolerate the kids leaving their shoes where he had fallen and I jumped round the bottom stair into the hall way. 3 weeks on, I'm able to carry on as normal in the home, the rug has been returned to it's original spot. I knew I was being irrational, but it was difficult to manage. Very little has changed, I know my dad isn't here, I know he hasn't just popped to the shops, but life is carrying on, jobs are getting down, memories are being made, the kids are helping their nanna with jobs their granddad didn't get round to doing, we're making changes around the home, nothing major, just little things. There's still so much to do, things to sort, a car to sell, the teen is still making his apprenticeship applications, which have been neglected a little, there's a ton of phone calls mum wants to make to say her thank you's etc, I have a load of paperwork and bills to pay for the flat and our house in the UK, plus we need to renew rental contracts etc in Dubai soon. I really need some time out.

204 Sunday Freedom - Enjoying the rain, makes a change from the weather in Dubai.

Idiot neighbour pushed passed me in the stairwell this morning, then on his arrival back at 11pm that evening with a mate or two he was yelling 'that's the stupid effing bitch who wouldn't let me in' In between dealing with him and his antics we dropped in at my mums in the morning to check on her and 4 and 5, then went to Gloucester to visit child 1 and take her out to the Docks. We got caught in a torrential downpour, then drove to Birmingham to collect 3 from the bus station. 2 and 2a arrived in the evening and Peter took them all out for dinner, while mum and I just pottered around.

205 Monday Mood.

Up and at mums by 8am, various cars loaded with various people and we set off for the Crematorium. I travelled with 2 and 2a and made them stop for coffee while the rest of them got to the there half and hour early. I had a few wobbles during the service, but as strange as it sounds, the funeral was actually the easiest thing I've had to do in the past 2 weeks. It was lovely catching up with the family, most of them I've seen recently, some I haven't seen for almost 15 years. Peter and I paid a visit to place some flowers from Dad's flowers in vases for my 2 uncles and grandparents in the gardens. We were back at Mum's by 2pm. Mum had a sleep. Sister and I sat in the garden to moan about Dad, nothing changes, other than instead of him sitting in the conservatory moaning about us moaning at him, life does really still go on.

206 Tuesday Wide Angle.

I spent the morning sorting out insurance policies, we had a visit from the funeral directors with some new order of service with the correct dates printed on them and an apology from the printer. In the afternoon I had to make a victim statement at the police station in regards to my neighbour and the grand kids and the great grand kids got on with some jobs around the garden.

207 Wednesday Party - Really not in the mood for celebrating.

Another tough day as we drove child 3 up to Birmingham to catch the bus back to Leeds, before he flies out to Australia on Monday. It was a very emotional day. We collected child 1 from Gloucester and Peter was able to drive her mobility vehicle.

208 Thursday Food - I've drunk more coffee than I've eaten over the past few weeks, it's the only thing that's kept me going.

Off to Bath for the day to visit MIL, out for lunch and some shopping. the driving is killing me. I have 3 cars to drive and currently I'm the only one insured for them. Peter cooked dinner while I made some telephone calls to notify various companies my father had died, it's exhausting saying the same thing over and over. It was a long day for my mum and child 5 without me around so I slept over again and I'll probably move back in for the next week or two.

209 Friday Sleep - everyone was well and truly worn out, digging up tree roots.

More gardening work, I'm getting good at this supervising. More paperwork and phone calls, appointments with banks and solicitors made for next week. There's so much to do.

210 Saturday My Town.

I seem to be saying a lot of goodbyes this week in Birmingham, today was the turn of Peter. It's not been an easy week at all. I was back at my mums by 9am and after a bath, we went for coffee and a food shop, I spent most of the day sorting paperwork, most of the family came round and I cooked a roast dinner, for the first time in 3 weeks I had some time to sort through photo's and catch up with some blogging and TV.

On the blog this week:

My Sunday Photo - T is for Together

Getting your affairs in order

I'm 46 this year and if I live as long as my Gran, Nan and other females in my family then I am half way through my life.

There is plenty of time ahead to get my affairs in order, life has only just started for me in reality, now the kids have left home, after started my family at 21.

Last year a friend of mine died, we were very close once, but a few years ago we just stopped being friends.

She was 49, she died of a heart attack, no indication of ill health, just went to bed one night and wasn't alive in the morning.

I think about her often, our kids were a similar age and I think about the chaos she must have left behind for her loved ones to deal with on top of her unexpected death.

My Gran was admitted to hospital on the day of her 92nd birthday, she died 4 weeks later. About 2 weeks before she died she asked if she could go home for a couple of hours 'to put her affairs in order'

It saddens me that she was too ill to go home, at 92 she knew death was not far away, despite actually being well for a 92 year old and her affairs were in order, but I suspect what my Gran meant was to throw out of date food out the fridge, make sure all the washing and ironing was done and probably run the hoover round.

We received one of those phone calls last night at 4 minutes past midnight. it could only be bad news, it was, the last time our landline rang was in October to say my uncle died.

It's not the type of news I need to rush back for the UK for, although I'm sure that day isn't too far away, but it made Peter and I talk about 'getting our affairs in order'

We have sorted, wills, the pensions, investments etc. That's all in order, but it's the little things we need to sort, to minimise the impact one of us dying unexpectedly would have on each other and the kids.

We have no preference for funeral plans, other than to be cremated, (which is mentioned in our will) we've decided that the details are for the living, their choice of songs, the where and the when.

So this weekend we shall be putting our affairs in order as such:

• passwords for our phones and laptops
• sign in details for bank accounts, insurances
• social media account details
• locate the spare car keys 
• label documents in files with a list of policy and phone numbers and expiry dates
• write a list of which child/family member/friend gets things such as jewellery 
• update address books and calendars with numbers and birthdays
• back up photos and other documents

I'm sure we'll think of other things when we start.

What else would you add to the list to minimise the impact of your departure to your loved ones?

Week 43 - One Daily Positive and Project 366. Newport to Dubai

I arrived back in Dubai on Friday, I'm shattered. I've unpacked and put most of it away. I really don't want to go to work tomorrow, I'm not getting any satisfaction from working, there's too much pressure on me, while I enjoy the teaching side and don't mind planning and evidencing work in my own time, I don't think I've ever worked in a job where I'm under so much scrutiny and asked to justify EVERY single action. I've already decided I will pack it in at the end of the school year in June, but at the moment I'm not sure I'm going to make it to the new year.

Whilst I had a lovely time in the UK, it was sadly a trip made due to family bereavement. My Father's youngest brother's funeral was on Monday. It was lovely a service, there were lots of people there from his involvement with Gwent Football Association and the bands he'd played in over the years.

Sadly on Thursday we heard the news that my Mother's eldest brother had passed away. The funeral will be in mid November and I won't be able to travel to attend.

Day 297 - Kids. Picked up a few craft activities for school, I did want to post a picture of the teen, but he was having none of it as usual.

Day 298 - Cute. My sisters missing cat, he ran away last year, she has moved towns since then, she finally located him and brought him back to the new house where he has settled back in.

Day 299 - Amazing. Lovely to meet up with my SIL who I haven't seen since her Cancer was diagnosed in July, she is half way through her treatment and looks fab. Her daughter (my niece) is spending new year with us and 2 of the boys, she needs a break, she doesn't want or need the break, but her mum and I have ganged up on her.

Day 300 - Light. I've really enjoyed being in the UK in autumn, the rain and the cold, it all looks so pretty, it's amazing how early it gets dark now. In Dubai we average 10-12 hours of light every day. While we miss the long summer evenings of the UK, we certainly don't miss the lack of sun in the winter.

Day 301 - Leaves. I've loved the sight, smell and sounds of autumn. 

Day 302 - Dark. Back in Dubai, an evening at sunset spent on the beach, I've been sleeping the rest of the time.

Day 303 - Trick. I hate this part, the unpacking and eventual putting away of stuff. 

Goodbye Mandela

Before leaving Cape Town I signed the book of remembrance.

 

'Thank you for the opportunity to live freely and safely in South Africa for the past 3 years'