Tuesday 30 June 2015

Things I regret now my children have left home

Hindsight is a wonderful, but it always comes too late.

There are many things I've learnt as a parent, that have shaped me and changed me into who I am today.

But my parenting days are over and although hopefully I'll have Grandkids one day, it'll not be the same as raising my own kids and to be honest, although I'm sad that my parenting days are over now, I really don't have the energy to do it all again.

My kids are all grown up and have their own lives. My youngest is 16, but as he's in full time boarding school in the UK while I live in Dubai, he grows and changes without me. In fact all 5 of our children have moved into adulthood without their parents around. Actually they seem to have done rather well for themselves, are content, happy, have girlfriends, careers and a place to call home.

I started life as a parent in May 1992, I was 21. I finished as a full time parent in January 2015. I spent the last 4 years as a SAHM, but prior to that I worked and studied. I had spells as a SAHM when a child was born or we moved to a new area, but I worked part time and studied and all 3 of my boys were in nursery or with a child minder or after school clubs prior to starting school.

In 2005 I went to University, in 2008 I started work full time and had a career. On top of that as a parent I had pack lunches, homework, taxi runs most nights of the week and weekends with their schools, part time jobs and sport. Add to that a husband who worked away most weeks, I had laundry, supper to cook, housework etc.

I had a full and varied 2 years, prior to moving to South Africa and gave it all up. I worked as volunteer but with no family near by, I worked within school hours only. I was home every evening. Child 4 of 5 learnt to drive and slowly my 'Mum' duties stopped. I was no longer required to give lifts to and from school, to mates, to football....and then they left.

So here I am, with a varied and full life behind me, well adjusted (they've had their moments) kids. I've not been able to work for the past 5 years due to rules and visas in the countries I have lived in and I'm wondering what it has all been for.

I needed something else than being 'just a mum' I needed to be able to join in with the 'real world' to personally achieve something, to be valued, to have a role in society, to be me.

I can't go back and change the course of my life, it has happened, it has lead right up to this spot today. But there are still things I regret, things I can't change, but there are lessons I can pass on to my adult children and their girlfriends, so they don't reach the same stage I'm at, right now, with regrets and they are:


  • Not worry about the washing up, hoovering, ironing. There is plenty of time in the day for that, instead of taking a long bath, I wish I'd had a quick shower and read more to my kids at bedtime. 



  • I wish I'd spent longer on the touchline when they were playing football, rather than sitting in the car with a coffee, reading a book.



  • I wish I'd had more structure to my approach to their homework. I wish I'd played with them when they were in the garden instead of tidying up their bedrooms, that they were only going to mess up again.



  • I wish I'd been more relaxed about the mess in their bedrooms rather than getting all shouty and stressed out about it.



  • I wish I'd listened to them when they said they no longer wanted to go to gym, have swimming lessons, practice their musical instruments, rather than make them finish off the end of the term.




I regret running the PTA, the local football club, saying yes to extra work when we didn't need the money, all to do what? To have a career when the children had left home, so I wasn't left without anything to do.

I regret wishing the time away so they were more independent.

I regret interfering with their rows and squabbles as they'd end up ganging up on me.

I regret making them go to parties of children they didn't particularly like, when they said they didn't want to go.

These are regrets for me as a parent, I'm sure my children have a whole list of things that they wished I'd done differently, such as bedtime rules, electronic games, pocket money, pets, staying out later, different holidays, eating out more, a lift to school everyday and back and forth several times with forgotten PE Kit and I'm sure the list goes on and on and on.


It's made no difference, to where I am now, I'm not working, I don't have any children at home. But I didn't realise back in 1992 that part of having children would was about shaping me and making me who I am today, it's was not about putting my life on hold and making sacrifices.





16 comments:

  1. Hindsight Is always perfect and we all have things we wished we did differently. You did what you thought best at the time. And you have good kids to show for it, so you've done something right!


    As always thanks for being a sense of reason to remind us to take a moment to enjoy just being and not wish the time away that we miss out

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    1. i dont think I've done anything thats caused any long term issues with my kids, but I'm sure when they have kids of their own they'll remind me

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  2. a very thoughtful post. it must be difficult to have your life change so much over the years. i can't imagine being so young and having finished the parenting thingy already. what a young grandmum you will be:))

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    1. the last 5 years have been huge, hopefully it'll be a while before i have grandkids I've got a lot of living to do first

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  3. This was a lovely and thought provoking read. Of course, we all do it don't we - giving priority to the things that don't matter like the mess and the homework. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and we don't get a rehearsal for this parenting lark do we! My take away from this and the last week is to ease up on the messy bedroom. Nicky

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    1. yep hindsight is amazing and the bedrooms really don't matter in the grand scheme of things

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  4. This post really resonated with me. My youngest is 13. I'm taking stock of what you've said. You mustn't regret though as everyone will sit there and be guilty of the things you mention. We've all been there, are there even! Give your kids a call. Arrange a date. There's still time for gorgeous things xx #TweensTeensBeyond

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    1. got lots of dates fixed with the kids over the next few weeks

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  5. I couldn't agree more that children shape who we are and what we become. Rest assured that we all have regrets and the downside of hindsight is that you forget that at the time you made the decisions for all the right reasons and because they were right for you and your family at that time. I am preparing for my eldest to leave home and as the countdown starts I have frequent moments of wishing I had done some things differently but as I say to him on a daily basis you can't change what has been only what will be and we need to remind ourselves of that too. #TweensTeensBeyond

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    1. I just hope my kids have a more relaxed approach when they have kids of their own

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  6. This post really resonated with me. Hindsight can be a cruel companion and does not always let you dwell on things that you don't regret. I bet you have a huge list of those things and you have a load of happy healthy grown up kids to prove it. I'm always so interested to read about parenting from your perspective, thanks so much for sharing with us at #TweensTeensBeyond

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    1. thank you Sharon, it's not been easy, but we get there, we have to

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  7. Wow, I saw that I commented on this just after I started blogging 2 years ago. Of course, it really resonates today as we embark on our journey of lasts. Thanks for sharing Suzanne, it shows how relevant these things remain and the joy of looking back over our older posts #tweensteensbeyond #bedroomstillmessy

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    1. everytime i think i'm done with parenting, something new comes along

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  8. So now the parenting is behind you. I can imagine how that must be a bittersweet feeling. Of course, in hindsight we all could have done better in so many ways but then parenting is something where we take decisions when we are in the middle of it. Some right, some wrong. But you have such good kids who are a testimony to how well you've done as a parent.

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    1. oh no I'm back parenting again, i thought those days were behind me, but it seems that it just changes to what they need from me

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