Wednesday 21 August 2019

I'm not frightened of dying, it's survival that scares me

Last night over Prague we hit a patch of turbulence, it was that rough that the cabin crew didn't even have time to put the trollies away before the Captain told them to take their seats.

There were quite a few audible gasps from my fellow passengers, but I just sat there, looking out the window at the wing, tipping and bumping in the sky.

I used to be frightened of flying, I used to be frightened of heights, but that is an irrational fear and my true fear I faced all those years was my fear of actual death, but over the past year and a half I've come to realise that I'm not frightened of death either, I'm actually frightened of survival.

Summer 2017 my father died suddenly at home, I was with him within minutes of his collapse and I could tell he was dying. An ambulance had already been called, but I rang them back and went through the protocols with the operator, I was remarkably calm and in control of myself. I wasn't asked to start CPR or do mouth to mouth. I just followed instructions and sat there with my father watching him die until the emergency response teams arrived and took over.

Over the past few months, I've re lived that scene many times in my head, I've separated the sudden death of my father from the scene and I live with the feeling of helplessness watching a person die, not in pain, not aware, not communicating their wants and needs, no blinking of the eye, no rising of the chest, just life escaping them, slowly and there being absolutely nothing I could do to change the outcome.

I'm grateful my father died the way he did, quickly, painlessly and with his family around him, but as much as I didn't want him to die, I also didn't want him surviving and not having a quality of life, whilst waiting slowly for nature to take its course with every goodbye I made getting harder and harder for both of us.

My father died that night, I survived, but the events live with me, they haunt me. I have no regrets, July 11th 2017 was my father's time, he'd lived a full life. I know there was nothing I could've done, nothing different I could've tried that would have changed the outcome, but I live with a feeling of feeling totally helpless. His life was out of my control, like the turbulence last night was out of my control also. I've flown numerous times, I can accept the turbulence is out of my control. I wouldn't survive an air crash from 37,000ft so there was nothing to fear.

I've only watched one person die, I need a bit more time to accept that.

Getting on a plane and visiting the countries my father did gives me a lot of peace, you can read my guest post here. Finding peace in travel.

26 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you are still feeling the pain of that night. I agree there was nothing you could do but be there are you did that with grace and dignity at the time.
    I am with you I have no fear of dying, I have a fear of survival with no quality of life which is hard for family and friends as you take time to slip away.
    I work in a hospital and have done for 15 years now but every time the emergency buzzer goes off and everybody swarms from everywhere it still sends a chill through me and unnerves me a lot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've always thought of death about the people left behind and how they cope

      Delete
  2. You went through a trauma there and it is still very early days for you. I have no clever words but want to say this a brave and honest post and also does not try to be clever because some things are just too big for that and I get it. #TriumphantTales

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you, i guess we can't put a time scale on things like this

      Delete
  3. working in health care I've seen people go every way possible. I too, would prefer it to be quick and unexpected. Sorry for your loss #triumphanttales

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Suzanne, for once I'm actually lost for words. What you say makes sense, I wouldn't want to survive and loose my quality of life and dying is final, so I wouldn't know a thing. Ido know what you mean about being on a plane, it does cross my mind that if something were to happen I wouldn't know much about it ( I hope). I can't begin to imagine what it must have been like sitting with your Dad in his final moments, but it was certainly a plus that you know for sure that he didn't suffer and wasn't alone. Saying that it's bound to be something that takes a long time to get your head around and accept. Grieving is never smooth sailing.

    Thank you for sharing your story with #keepingitreal.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. it's going to take far longer than i could've ever imagined

      Delete
  5. It's true seeing someone's quality of life and will to live diminish is awful - we had that with my FIL this year, dying is awful really but (frankly) we all will. I think you're right sometimes survival seems harder. Take care, and thanks for sharing with #PoCoLo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dying I can accept, it was actually being there that has caused me the long term grief

      Delete
  6. Oh wow, this must have been an awfully hard experience, watching your dad die. No wonder it takes a long time to process, and will surely always stay with you. Death can be hard to cope with (for those surviving), even more so when it’s unexpected and sudden, or comes at an early age. Thank you for sharing so honestly, lots of love to you x #PoCoLo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was surprised with how quickly i came to terms with his death and shocked by the after effects

      Delete
  7. A really tough experience, which has impacted on you in unexpected ways. I can only think I would like to go quickly, or "cease upon the midnight with no pain: as Keats put it. Great post and thanks for sharing it #Tweensteensbeyond

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i guess there's no good way to go other than for the person who dies, it's the people left who have to deal with it

      Delete
  8. Oh I'm so sorry you had to go through that and that it still haunts you. Grief can affect you in that way, you can feel ok at the time and devastated later, or devastated at the time and learn to live with it or even both. I do think the aftershock is worse. I've watched three loved ones die, two quickly, one slowly. It's not something you ever really get over, but it does make you think about your own mortality more. I'm not afraid of dying at all, but I am afraid of what my loved ones will feel after I'm gone. Grief is the pits but it does help to talk about it. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you for sharing your experiences and sorry it's something you've been through, but guess it happens to everyone sooner or later, my upset is for my children when I die, I saw how they were affected by my grief at losing my father

      Delete
  9. I can't begin to imagine how awful this was for you. My mother's death was certainly much easier for me - long expected by us and she just slipped away in her sleep. #tweensteensbeyond

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry to hear, I think we've spoken about this before, it was fairly recently I believe, I don't feel though there is ever an easy option

      Delete
  10. Suzanne the memory of that evening is obviously still very raw. As each year passes I am thankful my parents are still here but often wonder how it will be for them and for me. It is always those left behind that are hit the hardest but time is also a great healer and I hope that the emotional trauma of that moment will be easier for you to deal with. This is a beautifully written piece, thanks for sharing it with us. #TweensTeensBeyond

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you for your comment, I spent the week volunteering on the European Golf Tour in Dubai, I thought of my dad every second and how much he's love to hear about it, but the tears have stopped now and life is getting easier

      Delete
  11. It's still very early days in your grieving process and everyone reacts differently. I can understand how the event would haunt you and in your own time you will deal with it. I watched my father die 10 years ago and I think in many ways I am still processing it but it's a lot less raw. Thank you for sharing your very moving post with us #TweensTeensBeyond

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you Sharon, it's certainly hard anyway it happens

      Delete
  12. I can only imagine how awful this was Suzanne and you were so very brave in dealing with your lovely dad passing. I love that you did the Golf Tour, that's one of the hardest things isn't it - wanting to tell someone that isn't around anymore. I still do it now. We always said that we would have loved to have been with our parents or known that they were going to pass but they both died suddenly at home where we found them. I realise now that there is no right way. Sending love as always and thanks for sharing with #tweensteensbeyond

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hi Suzanne, I see I've commented on this post before. And all these months on I still can't imagine what it must be like watching a loved one die and knowing that there is nothing you can do. They say that hearing is the last sense that goes, so it would be nice to think that your Dad knew you were with him at the end.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a horrible feeling that i live with knowing there was nothing i could do

      Delete

ShareThis