Monday, 7 November 2011

Letting go of the past

My husband says I have hindsight, I don’t agree. I always say at the time, if something isn’t right or I want to do something different, but I don’t get chance to stand still long enough to think of another option before a decision is made. I go along with decisions, I say ‘OK’ let’s do it your way’ and I try to make the best of the situation, I’m disappointed, I’m upset, I say so, but I go along with it.
When I pull up in a car park in a new place for the first time or visit a different country, I like to stand still and get my bearings, I like to see what is around the corner, I like to discover new things and places, but I need time to ‘ground’ myself first. I want to speak to people, find out their opinions, their mistakes and when I’m in full possession of all the facts, I may still turn left instead of the advice of turning right, but it’s a well thought out decision. My husband has fixed ideas of do’s and don’ts and when he decides he wants to do something or even not do something, it’s fixed and no amount of discussion will get this changed.
He is a thinker; he mulls things over in his head and then tells me what decision he has made. I don’t think that’s fair, it doesn’t allow for a conversation, persuasion, or give me any insight into how he has reached this decision. He’s not mean, he genuinely feels that the decision he has made is in the best interests of all involved. But, when it goes wrong, when it means I’m the one left to sort out the mess, he always says ‘hindsight is a wonderful thing, easy to say that now’ but I’m not saying it now, I said it at the time, I argued, fought and cried to get him to change his mind, but he stood firm.
Ok we all make mistakes, but it always seems to me that is left to sort them out, my trouble is I lecture too much with the ‘I told you so' and he just switches off, and I achieve nothing except for an opportunity to rant and rave, which never actually makes me feel better.
So the time has come to say ‘No’ these are the reasons I want/don’t want to do something and if you are going to refuse to compromise with me then we will just take longer to do everything/anything, whether it is exploring the beach in different directions or choosing a removal firm or buying a house, I can’t do these things financially without him and he can’t do them without my physical help.
But it is time now for me to be more assertive, in a nice way. But the first thing I have to do is to let go of the past, all the things he has chosen to do, all the things I’ve been left sorting out. All the times I’ve been disappointed because I haven’t got my own way and stop dragging them up every time we face a new situation...I can’t have a future if I won’t let go of the past.