Monday 10 October 2016

Why I regret having my children so young

I'm 45, my children have grown up and left home. I'm lonely.

Living as an expat has cut my parenting short as my youngest child now aged 17 left home 3 years ago to attend boarding school in the UK. Second youngest and the last of 5 left home in January 2014.

Everyone I know my age has their children still living at home and the majority of those children are still in primary school.

When I meet people who are in a similar situation with grown up children, they are usually 10 years older than me and while they are lovely people, we have little in common other than we are expats. Although I do have a few friends with childen a similar age to mine, they live in the UK and have them still living at home.

I'm sure things would've been very different had we remained in the UK, for sure the teen would still be at home, but even before we left the UK he was in boarding school, but at least there would be weekends, the odd evening visit and all the school holidays rather than just Easter, Summer and Christmas for visits.

I was 21 when my first child was born. I'd left home 4 years earlier, had a job, a flat, money and a reasonably good life, with the odd holiday and nights out.

My friends didn't have children and I had left my home town, I was also a single mum, so I moved home for a short time, before marrying and adding 2 more children to the family. I divorced, remarried and inherited 2 step children slightly older than mine, but still in primary school.

We currently live in Dubai and previously in South Africa due to Peter's  job, I don't begrudge him his career opportunities I just wish he could do this in the UK or at least closer to home.

I've been working this year, in a school. I only have the school holidays off. Summer, Winter and Spring, so far I've only made 1 trip back to the UK this year for 6 weeks over the summer and won't be back again until next summer. That's a whole year of not being part of a family, being lonely and missing out on life. 

Three of the kids have been out to visit a couple of times this year, my mother is here in November for 3 weeks and quite a few friends have been to visit with a couple more lined up, but it's not the same as just being part of life when we want, rather than waiting for it to happen.

We do get on with things, apart from food shopping, dog walking, housework, we go for the occasional brunch, eat out a couple of times a week in local restaurants, go for coffee and cake, visit the garden centre, walk round a mall, but it's boring and repetitive. Occasionally we meet people and socialise, but not on a scale like we used to and want to. We have little in common with the people we meet, their kids are at home still to they are older than mine with kids of their own. I don't know a single person who has their child in boarding school 1000's of miles away. I have some contact with a set of parents who are similar ages to us and have our son for exeat weekends, but they only live an hour away from the school and we've not met them yet, they also have 2 younger children, so their parenting will last a good few more years than ours.

I thought having my children young would mean I'd have all my life ahead of me, I could study further, travel, develop my career. I was right of course, I've returned to teaching, I always have fuel in my car, chocolate and coke in the fridge and money in my wallet. I answer only to myself, eat what I want, when I want and go to bed when I want. Of course Peter and I have the freedom to do all the above, but if I'm honest, and after years of wishing for routine and 'me' time, it's actually rather boring and lonely.

I am potentially just over half way through my life and I find it quite daunting that to date more than half of it has been spent as a Mother, I'm just not sure what else I can do to ever feel THAT fulfilled/wanted/needed again.

19 comments:

  1. This is such a sad post. Although I haven't been in your situation, I can imagine I would feel exactly the same. There are times when I feel overwhelmed by parenting (especially the endless lifts!) and wish I had some time off. But if even one of my kids goes away on a Scout camp, the house feels too empty and life feels too easy.
    PS I won't have any kids in primary school when I'm 45. My primary school days will be done when I'm 43.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My primary school years ended aged 39 and I'll be 46 when my youngest leaves school next year, i really miss the routine of the school and after school clubs, meeting people, grabbing 5 mins out for a coffee, i certainly don't miss the fights and stress of it all

      Delete
  2. I am the opposite to you - I didn't have the boys until I was 37 and 38 and sometimes wish I had been younger as I see friends my age out and about without having to think of their children who are now grown up. And being an expat does, I suppose, limit your social circle to a degree ... so I guess there is no right time to have expat kids.

    PS - virtual friends are good though ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. virtual friends are indeed good and provide a great need in my life, parenting seems to be very different these days, we rarely took our kids to restaurants, bars or rarely even food shopping, seems everyone takes/drags their kids with them everywhere these days

      Delete
  3. Sending hugs Suzanne, it must be hard to be away from the kids especially when things go on in their lives where you just want to give them a hug. And agree with Rosie virtual friends are good and can be a lifeline wherever you are. Thanks for sharing with #PoCoLo x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sometimes virtual friends understand more and judge less than real life face to face, because there's not the attachment there

      Delete
  4. Oh Suzanne, thinking of you and sending big hugs your way. I was 22 when I had BP, he's 12 now and it's hard to see the end of the "mothering" stage. I'm 35 years old, in 10 years I'll be 45 and my youngest will be 17. I cannot imagine what life will be like then. I think the others are right though, having friends around, even virtual ones, is a great way to ease the loneliness.
    Thanks for linking to #pocolo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you, have replied on twitter, I'm sure it'll get better, i'll let you know when

      Delete
  5. This made me feel very sad. I don't think you should regret it, though, because from their perspective you were probably a more energetic and fun mum having been younger. Which, ironically, makes the separation tougher now...

    ReplyDelete
  6. No this makes me really sad. I had my children young and they are still only small. I had thought like you that having them young would leave me able to get on with my career, etc, once they'd gone. But the thought of them not needing me anymore and not having a full house with hustle and bustle strikes fear deep into my heart. If it's any consolation, I left home 11 years ago but my mum is still so important to me, and I actually wish she was more involved with my life than she is (although I think she thinks that she's giving me my independence). Even when the kids have grown up and left home, they still need the support and security of their mama! #PoCoLo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i think my biggest problem is that i hadn't factored into my life, living abroad and sending my youngest back to boarding school, technically her would still be at home now.

      Delete
  7. This is a really interesting post. I have my 2 girls and 29 and 32 and I wish I hadn't put off having them (my Husband wanted them the second we got married but I held off for a few years). I find it all so tiring! I would have had so much more energy for them both if I'd had them in my early 20's. I guess I'll be at the earliest 50 by the time they both leave home but by that age my Mum was a granny already (to my Brother's kids!). I guess I hope they will stay close as I can't imagine my world without them, but equally sometimes just need 5minutes peace! #pocolo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i dont think there is a right time to have kids, my sister was a grandmother aged 39, she is 41 now with the third on the way, i have no plans for grandkids, it's not my decision

      Delete
  8. I always thought I started having kids late as I was 31 when I had Z and I wonder if he'll hang about at home till I'm 50ish! I know I'll feel the same when they finally fly the nest and, like the comment above, I hope they don't move too far away. I've become a bot of a home body that wants family around. Thinking of youx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i've loved my freedom over the past few years, but I'm tired of it now, i think being an expat plays a huge role in feeling lonely

      Delete
  9. Hi Suzanne, I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. When we become adults we can never be sure what path our life will take. It must have been hard having an empty nest when your youngest is still so young. I know you were hankering to move back to the UK not too long ago. Is that any nearer happening?

    Being an ex-pat myself, I know all too well that just because I'm an ex-pat doesn't automatically mean I necessarily have anything in common with other ex-pats. To be honest I don't even like the label 'ex-pat', it sort of makes me cringe. That's probably just me though.

    I hope you find a happier place soon. Sending you happy vibes.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, that's it, in South Africa we met very few expats and the ones we did were old school. can't escape them in dubai i'm afraid

      Delete
  10. This is so sad, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'm sure it's more to do with living abroad than having your children fairly young. Currently in the midst of mayhem with a 3 year old my husband and I often fantasise about that future when we get time to ourselves back but I'm sure the reality of it is very different. I hope you find something that satisfies you and brings you more happiness soon xxx #pocolo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that is the problem, separating being so far away and what could be normal if we'd stayed in the uk

      Delete

ShareThis